After she became paralyzed due to an accident, Rarity's life changed drastically. The mare lost her will to live, and she constantly begs for her suffering to end. AppleJack however, can't stand to see her wife like this.
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Wolfeh05
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I’m just reading your wall of text and it’s no good because it’s a wall of text.
Break it up.
Holy crap I didn't read this in its entirety as I hate Uber dark stuff, but your twist is phenomenal. Have a like you evil being you.
So it wasn't poison but water from the stream of silence that she gave her because she didn't want her to be depressed all the time
11867515
Yeah, I'm still working on the structure of my stories
11867530
Thank you
11867622
I know that getting an editor might be difficult, but next time try that instead of just posting an entire wall of text, here is a question. How the hell did you even get that through?
Because the approval queue doesn’t allow just one wall of text.
11867563
.
You're only partially right, but I guess you can interpret it that way too. My first choice was that AJ wanted Rarity to stop begging for death, and she can't beg for death if she's mute, right?
11867563
no, because she did not want to hear about it.
she took away her only means of communication.
that is fucked up. even worse than actually giving
her poison, especially since she tricked her into
drinking it . .
11867625
To me it doesn't appear as just "a wall of text". I added paragraphs and I actually saw approved stories that WERE a wall of text. So I dunno...
11867630
Yep, you got it
I personally believe that for someone in Rarity's position, death is actually a mercy.
I was hoping that at the last moment Rarity would see Aj drink from the bottle too, but this is even more shocking.
11867630
Lets also remember that, aside from one of their kind, the waters also deadened emotion. So not only is Rarity silent. she doesn't even care how or why she is, or even about her state of affairs.
Ah, this weeks' version of "I discovered 'Johnny Got His Gun' and must put it in pony form"
11868112
Huh? Is that a movie or something?I'm from Europe, I don't think I've heard of it
If you really wanna know, the inspiration for this story was a combination of:
I suddenly remembered a story about a crippled Rainbow Dash x AJ, but there the twist was that she was actually dead(I think it was made by Rubydubious but I might be wrong)
I just rewatched MLP season 8 and that's how I came with the water from the stream of silence(the kirin episode)
I actually had a completely paralyzed aunt that lived with us when I was younger and...yeah I don't need to say too much about that, but most of Rarity's dialogue and sentiments are my interpretation of my aunt's struggles
11868253
Johnny Got his Gun is a novel by Dalton Trumbo, which tells the story of a paralysed war veteran who cannot communicate his suffering yet is kept on perpetual life support. It was the basis for a Metallica song, which uses clips from the film adaptation of the movie in the music video.
Whilst this had the potential to be emotional, it has quite a few problems. Firstly, the paragraphing is a bit of a mess. A standard rule of writing is 'new speaker, new paragraph'. For example:
Correctly formatted, it would look like this:
See how much easier this is to read?
We also don't get a real sense of how Rarity is feeling, and precisely why she no longer wants to go on living. Obviously being unable to walk sucks (as somebody who broke his leg I can verify), but it feels like Rarity is being overdramatic. If you want to see another example of the theme done well, I'd suggest reading Johnny Got his Gun.
Various grammar mistakes and a wall of text. I won’t really point it all out since the whole single paragraph thing makes the quote feature hard to use.
So, basically, Applejack hated that her wife was constantly begging her for death, it would have been better if:
Maybe AJ would kill herself too, leaving a sort of bittersweet "If you’re going down then I’m going down with you" type of ending. Or it could end with her resolving to try and find a cure for Rarity’s paralysis. But no, she chooses to remove her ability to speak and feel any emotions, wow.
Applejack’s decision does not feel right, the water from the Stream of Silence also makes creature become emotionless, that is not good. This gets a PRETTY BAD from me.
11868754
Thanks for the explanations, I will try to edit the story when I have time.
However, regarding the last part: I wouldn't say Rarity is overdramatic, since she is basically paralyzed, she can't feel anything below her neck. Even with a broken leg, you could still move your arms, use crutches and basically still be a functioning human being, while also knowing that your leg will get healthy again. Like I said in the story, Rarity had everything taken away from her and I tend to believe that what she went through takes a toll on any sane person
11869047
Aside from your grammar and wall of text, which were fair points, I...don't understand the other points you were trying to make:
"Maybe AJ would kill herself too, leaving a sort of bittersweet "If you’re going down then I’m going down with you" type of ending. Or it could end with her resolving to try and find a cure for Rarity’s paralysis."
The point here was the twist. There are a lot of stories that end with "and they both unalived themselves". And I even pointed out in a previous comment that one inspiration for the story was another story where Rainbow Dash is paralyzed and AJ is taking care of her, and the twist there is that Rainbow Dash was dead. Just like you have your opinion, I have mine, and I decided to make the story to add a twist, not make a linear and predictable story where it would be obvious that they would both die. Also, since Rarity is paralyzed for months already and she resigned herself to that fate, I'd say that finding a cure for her paralysis failed, not to mention that I didn't even wanted to explore that option, since...well, in real life people don't magically get better from spinal cord injury(sure, they are MAGICAL horses, but even in the show we can see that magic can't fix anything).
"Applejack’s decision does not feel right, the water from the Stream of Silence also makes creature become emotionless, that is not good."
Regarding AJ's character: the idea here was that Rarity is miserable all the time and upset with AppleJack, but AJ knows she can't do what she asks, but at the same time, she is tired hearing Rarity all the time begging for death. What she did was selfish and cruel, true, but that was exactly the point and the reason why the story has a "dark" tag and not a "slice of life" or other tag like that. But in my opinion, this isn't far from reality, since AJ doesn't have the easiest life: she has to take care of the farm and take care of Rarity, who is completely paralyzed and constantly begs for death. Believe me, I know what I'm talking about when I say that life with a paralyzed person is not easy...
11869099
Ah. I'd rather misunderstood the extent of Rarity's injuries. I'd thought paralysis from the waist down was the case here.
im starting to read fics because i was looking for more mlp content and this was a really cool read!! nice work!!
11869877
Thank you, I'm glad you enjoyed it