WHO ARE YOU?!
Twilight tinkered away at the giant telescope in the observatory, occasionally sliding to the side to glare at the sky.
"I'll get that sun," she growled. "Look at it, Spike! Always sitting there thinking it's sooooo bright!"
Spike looked up at it and, in a matter of seconds, his eyes burst into flames and he started running around screaming, slamming into bookcases and lighting small fires.
"Yes, Spike! I also want to SCREAM VERY LOUDLY!" She continued tinkering and stuck her hoof out. "Spike, I need a large mallet."
The baby dragon immediately stopped running and casually walked toward the tool box sitting on a small table to the mare. He fumbled through it to find the requested tool and handed it over to Twilight.
"Here you go," he said.
"Thank you," Twilight said. Spike took a deep breath and resumed screaming and running around. "No, I don't need an AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH Spike." She peered again at the sky, her eyes barely looking to the side of the star. "Thinks it's sooooo special that no pony can look at it, huh? WE'LL SEE!" Her eyes just barely glazed the sun that she slammed her hooves to her face and started screaming in pain. "My eyes! Aaah!"
In her flailing, the mare ended up kicking the telescope, causing it to move slightly and emit an enormous laser of blue light into the sky. The power surge was too much for the unfinished project and caused the instrument to spark and break off its hinges to crash into the castle below.
"Nooo!" Twilight yelled in horror. As her eyes watered she sat down, pouting. "That took hours to make! What am I supposed to do now?" she asked herself while ponies screamed below. She grabbed a book with her magic and peered inside of it. "Oh yeah, wasn't I supposed to check on Nightmare Moon?" She shook her hoof angrily at the sun. "I'll get you eventually," she threatened.
The sun was unfazed.
The mare raised a brow at Spike screaming and pummeled him with the book in her magic, extinguishing the flames. "Stop yelling and go look for books about Nightmare Moon and the Elements of Harmony!" she bellowed at him.
Spike bounced in place, smiling. "Okay!" he agreed cheerfully.
While Twilight continued to pour over her books, she noticed a nasty smacking noise assaulting her ears. "What is that? Is it the brain worms again?!" she said with a shiver. She realized it was Spike, sitting in a pile of books, chewing on one. "Spike!" she yelled angrily. The mare pounced on the baby dragon and tried her best to pry the book out of his mouth while he attempted to chew faster. "Those aren't for eating! Spit that out right now!"
The door to the observatory slammed open, revealing Princess Celestia breathing hard. She almost stopped breathing entirely when she saw the mess everything was in and the two occupants in a fight.
"Twilight!" Celestia called. "I'm sending you to Ponyville to oversee the Summer Sun Celebrations," she explained hurriedly. "You need fresh air and friends!" She teleported over to them and started punting the two with her hooves. "Go go go!"
She launched them out the window where the two landed on a chariot pulled by two royal guard pegasi who took off as quickly as they could, and when they arrived in Ponyville they dumped the two onto the ground and took off in a rush.
"What was that all about?" Twilight wondered.
"I dunno," Spike said casually.
Twilight looked at the town with suspicion, eyeing every single little thing around. She crossed eyes with Pinkie gasping in shock, bolting away in terror, and fell to the ground, clawing at her throat.
"They're trying to steal my oxygen!" the mare wheezed on the ground. The ponies walking around stopped and stared at Twilight, dumbfounded. Spike fell down face first and started to imitate her before Twilight squeezed him against her chest. "WE'RE IN ENEMY TERRITORY!" she yelled suddenly. "WE NEED COVER!" she bellowed at the top of her lungs.
She rushed through Ponyville and headbutted the Library door and slammed it shut. The mare breathed heavily, feeling herself panicking the more she looked around.
"They're surrounding us, Spike. They want to steal all my air. I KNOW IT!" She peered through one of the windows and frowned. "Using stealth spells, huh?" She lifted Spike up. "We need disguises!" she said.
The mare started rushing around the library ripping off curtains, shredding apart pillows, and resizing comforters and blankets. In just a few minutes she managed to stitch a poorly made disguise for her baby dragon: A pink pony outfit with a hood that fit over his head. His spines would hide perfectly in the shaggy, hot pink mane that had been stitched on the top of the hood.
"Ooo," Spike said in awe. "It's so soft." The baby dragon hugged himself. Twilight, meanwhile, surrounded herself in magic that quickly dissolved, but nothing changed. Spike hummed pensively. "You look the same."
"Nuh uh!" Twilight protested. "The RGB of my coat is now point-four percent less on the B," she stated proudly.
Spike narrowed his eyes behind his hood. "Oh yeah," he realized.
"Only a genius with colors could change something so impossibly subtle and become unrecognizable!" she declared. "Let us into the town and assess what the FILTHY peasants of this place have done for the celebration." She raised a foreleg triumphantly toward the door. "Spike! Unveil me to the ponies!"
"Okay, Twilight!" Spike said.
Outside, a rainbow-colored pegasus was wiping mud off of her body after crashing into a puddle. She's distracted when the door to the library slams open and a unicorn comes flying out and collides face-first into the ground, skidding along its surface until she stops in front of the pegasus.
Witness to the whole thing, Spike becomes excited. "Oooo. That looks like fun."
The baby dragon slams his face into the ground and starts pushing himself forward with his stubby legs while producing muffled cheering.
"Uh...are you okay?" Rainbow asked.
Twilight's head shot up immediately. She meant to yell something, but a huge glob of dirt sputtered out of her mouth instead. The mare was quick to wipe her mouth clean. "You!" she yelled. "You're supposed to be taking care of the clouds!"
"Uh...yeah?" Rainbow said. She wrung some mud out of her mane. "I'll do it later. It'll be super quick."
"LIES!" Twilight bellowed.
Rainbow looked extremely insulted. "I can do it in ten seconds flat! Word of Rainbow Dash!"
"MORE LIES! THE WORMS!" Twilight shouted as she raised her forelegs into the air. "THEY'VE GOTTEN TO YOU TOO. The stinky worms of cheese doodles and fibs!"
Rainbow's eyes twitched and she shot into the sky, turning into a streak of rainbows as she popped every cloud in the sky, revealing the rest of the blue they were hiding. "There!" the pegasus said while panting. "I-Where'd you go?"
Twilight looked around erratically while Spike stuffed mud into his mouth and quickly coughed it out.
"Ew," Spike complained. "This is the worst chocolate I've ever had." He plucked a beetle minding its own business from the ground, shoved in the mud, then happily chewed wet dirt, a gleeful expression on his face. "Mmmm. Vanilla chips!"
"That pony was suspiciously fast," Twilight remarked. "Next, we have to check on the food." She stuck her tongue out. "Evil peasant fooood." The mare arrived at an enormous farm surrounded by fields and fields of apple trees. Hesitant but knowing her duty granted to her by Celestia, the mare moved toward the red barn. "Hello?" she shouts. "Anypony around?"
An orange mare jumped in from the top of a tree and grabbed the lavender unicorn's hoof. "Well, howdy doo there, missy! Mah name's Applejack 'n ah'm glad ta meet ya!"
The unicorn's head spun while she talked. "'I uh...came fer-for the food."
Twilight was immediately thrown toward a table surrounded by a plethora of ponies.
"Ah reckon Ah'd let ya meet mah family. Friendly greetins 'n such," Applejack said with a wink.
As the farm pony introduced her family members, each one dropped a tray of food on the table, scaring the mare. Spike, meanwhile, started gorging himself on the snacks and wouldn't stop for air, even when he was choking from the intake. He ended up spitting out several plates of food, sitting there in pain, then repeating the process again. His caretaker, however, didn't feel as enthusiastic.
"YOU'RE TRYING TO TAKE OVER MY MIND WITH SUGARY TREATS!" Twilight screamed in horror. She started mumbling in a panic when she pulled a metal disc from her mane, fiddled with it using her magic, and then dropped it on the ground. "RUN AWAY, SPIKE!"
The baby dragon chased after Twilight with his mouth overstuffed with food that obscured his vision. A few seconds later, the disc exploded, but the mare didn't turn around. Both she and Spike kept rushing along until they crashed into Fluttershy, startling the birds rehearsing for the Summer Sun Celebration.
The unicorn started rolling on the ground, her legs flailing about. "No! The sugar got me! It's eating my bones!"
Spike continued to choke on his treats and plopped down onto his rear, preferring to try and ingest more than he was capable. When she realized nothing was wrong, Twilight got up and cleared her throat, preferring to act like nothing happened.
"Uh...Hello," She clenched her teeth and glared at the yellow pegasus. "FILTHY PEASANT PONY! I'm here to ask about the birds," she finished with a smile.
"..."
Twilight leaned forward. "What?"
"...y."
"WHAT?!"
"I'm Fluttershy," the pegasus managed to push out audibly.
There was a long, awkward silence. "WHAT?!" the unicorn shouted again.
Taken aback, the pegasus shied away and flew toward the birds, leaving Twilight alone. "Well, it looks like you had everything under control," the unicorn said. "Carry on!"
Next was the town hall where Princess Celestia would appear. The main hall was decorated to the brim with colorful banners and ribbons everywhere, not that Twilight noticed. She and Spike were fixated on the white unicorn choosing decorations for the celebration.
Spike started choking further on the treats still in his mouth. He started drooling on himself, his 'disguise' coated in apple jam and dragon spit. "Mmmm. Marshmallow," he wheezed.
"Hm?" the white unicorn said. "Oh! You must be here for the celebration!" She trotted forward and showed visible, extreme disgust at Spike. "Um, I'm Rarity," she said.
"Twilight," the lavender unicorn responded. She looked around and shrugged. "This looks fine," she stated dismissively.
The white unicorn gasped in shock. "Fine? Fine?! C'est de la haute couture, madame! Ce n'est pas juste 'fine'!" she complained.
Twilight's horn lit up and she pointed at Rarity. "She's speaking in tongues!" She grabbed Spike and pointed his mouth at the mare. "Escape plan 'Blaagh'!"
"Blaagh!" Spike said as he was squeezed.
Rarity was coated in a thick layer of pastry and spittle, much to her horror, while Twilight and Spike fled as fast as they could. The young dragon faceplanted against the door frame and fell down. He then got back up, shook his head, and did it again. He repeated this two more times before Twilight grabbed him with her magic and got away.
"I need reeeeest!" the mare said in a low and quiet voice. "Come, Spike. We must retreat to the secret lair!" Twilight opened the door and started to bump into things thanks to the sheer darkness within. "Spike! I cannot see!"
"Me neither! Wheeee!"
The dragon's cheer was quickly followed by the sound of crashing and something breaking.
"What was that?" Twilight asked.
She was flashbanged by the lights suddenly turning on and tons of ponies yelling 'surprise'.
"Hiya!" Pinkie greeted. "I threw this 'Welcome to Ponyville' Pinkie Pie party after meeting you! I thought 'hmmm. She seems lonely' and thought up the best way to--"
Twilight's attention started to wane as the pink mare kept droning on and on while the others celebrated and have fun watching Spike stuff his face with food. The lavender unicorn shoved some cake into the pony's face and fled to her room, exhausted.
"These ponies talk for so loooong!" she lamented. "Why do they-IT'S MORNING ALREADY?!" she shouted in shock.
Angry and tired, she went to the Town Hall, dragging Spike along with her to see the celebration take place. She couldn't wait to talk to the Princess about...stuff...and things. Maybe. She didn't know.
"-and I present to you, Princess Celestia!" an old glasses-wearing mare announced. As the curtains of the in-door balcony parted, everyone gasped. "Wh-where is Princess Celestia?"
Raucous laughter filled the room as a cloud of starry dust seeped in from the walls and congealed into the form of a black alicorn with cyan-colored reptilian eyes. "There is no more Princess Celestia!" she declared with more laughter.
Rainbow made to attack her but was stopped by Applejack holding onto her tail with her teeth.
"Oh? Do you not remember who I am?" the alicorn asked. "Did you not see the signs? Did you not read the tales abo--"
"Huh?!" Twilight shouted. She pointed a hoof at the intruder. "WHO ARE YOU?!" she interrupted.
The alicorn sputtered from the sudden interruption. "I am--"
"WHO ARE YOU?!"
"I AM-!"
"WHO ARE YOU?!"
The alicorn huffed and drooped down, exasperated. She stood back up and spoke with such strength and power that the windows of the town hall shattered and the ponies around went deaf.
"I AM NIGHTMARE MOON: THE MARE IN THE MOON, AND I AM HERE TO BRING ETERNAL NIGHT!" She glared down at the crowd standing before her, baring her fangs. "YOU SHOULD HAVE ENJOYED THE DAY WHILE IT LASTED, BECAUSE NOW, THE NIGHT. WILL LAST. FOREVER!" she cheered with more deafening laughter.
Twilight, who was looking elsewhere, bounced when she heard the alicorn laugh. "What? Could you repeat that? I wasn't listening."
The alicorn's eyes started to twitch and she felt like crushing everypony here while gritting her teeth. Instead, she dissolved into a cloud to cool her head.
"Hmmm. This unknown perpetrator seeks to do something to the pink pony's party," Twilight surmised.
The ponies around her visibly flinched at her conclusion.
"Wh-No, she said that--" Rainbow started. She was quickly interrupted by Twilight.
"No need to thank me at my obviously talented conclusions," the unicorn said proudly. "Now I must go find the Elements of Harmony in the old castle!" she announced.
Before Rainbow could add anything, the unicorn had already started galloping away.
"Hey, wait up!" Applejack shouted. "Ya cain't do this all alone, and what even are the Elements of Harmony?"
After much running, the six came upon a large forest blocking the way.
"Oh no. The Everfree forest," Rarity squeaked.
"Yes," Twilight said. "This obstacle of...brown pillars is blocking the way."
Applejack took in a deep breath. "Thems're trees," she explained very calmly. "No. Trees are blue."
"Huh?!"
"The castle must be through here," Twilight realized.
"Then I guess we have to go through i--" Pinkie started but was interrupted much like her friend.
"NONSENSE! I JUST HAVE TO DESTROY IT ALL!" Twilight charged her horn and laughed manically as she felt the magic focus within it.
Unbeknownst to the unicorn, a little butterfly, barely bigger than a foal's hoof, fluttered about, enjoying its life. Fluttershy was the first to spot and felt her heart melt at how cute she thought it was.
"Awww. Look! It's a butterfly!" she said softly.
It flew next to Twilight's glowing horn, pausing for a moment, then coughed. The sound was so quiet and the breeze it produced so imperceptible that no pony even noticed it.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! I CAN'T CONTROL IT!" Twilight shouted in terror as a tree-sized beam of light shot from her horn. The mare started flying all over the place, her magic burning away large swathes of the land. "Spike! Help me!"
"Okay!" the baby dragon said seriously. He jumped on Twilight's back and hung onto her mane. "Wheeeeee! Yee haw!"
"That's not helping at aaaaaaaaaall!"
Twilight's voice grew increasingly quieter as her spell sent her flying through the air, deep into the forest. Applejack grumbled and her ears drooped.
"Well...let's go 'n get her Ah s'pose."
Rarity readjusted her mane. "At least she carved a path in the forest for us. Shouldn't be too hard to find our way to wherever she flew."
Twilight and Spike had broken through the roof of an old castle, landing in a room with an old fountain at its center holding up five gray orbs on small, extended podiums.
"I wasn't expecting that kind of entrance," Nightmare Moon realized.
"Huh?!" the unicorn shouted in surprise. She was quick to stand up and see both the alicorn and the orbs. "The Elements of Harmony!" she realized.
"Indeed," Nightmare agreed. "But I won't let you use the-Hey!"
Twilight had ignored her and grabbed the orbs with her magic. "The elements must be inside!" she declared.
Moon looked at her sideways. "What?!"
The unicorn smashed them against the ground, shattering all five into pieces. "Where's the elements?!"
Nightmare Moon laughed heartily. "You foal! Why did you destroy y--"
"YOU'RE HIDING THE REAL ONES SOMEWHERE!" Twilight accused.
Moon was caught off guard. "What? No, you--"
"Use your dragon powers to destroy her, Spike! Breathe fire!"
The tiny dragon took off his hood and ran to Nightmare Moon, the sudden screaming and the strange creature running towards her causing her brain to malfunction. Spike slammed his fists against his chest and took in a very deep breath, causing his chest to glow green, but instead of breathing fire, he burped loudly.
"Ow. My ears," Moon complained. "How crass."
Spike dropped onto his butt and rubbed his belly while groaning. "My tummy hurts. Oooo. I ate too much."
"That...That's what happens, yes," Moon agreed. "What is happening right now?"
"Oooo." Spike pulled out a piece of apple pie from his disguise. "Maybe more food will help," he said as he chomped down. The dragon immediately collapsed into a food coma.
The alicorn pursed her lips and looked around, confused. "Okay?" The alicorn was about to move forward that she started getting pelted by pieces of the elements. "Hey!" She raised a wing to shield herself.
"Take that! And that!"
"Stop that! That's mildly inconveniencing!"
"We found you at last, Nightmare Moon!" Rainbow Dash declared.
The alicorn snorted. "I had a whole thing planned out to delay you all, too," she complained. "Well, without the elements you can't do anything to me," she laughed.
Twilight rubbed her chin and started throwing the stones at the five newcomers as well.
"What are you doing?" Rarity complained. "That's very uncouth!"
"Oh. I thought you were with her," Twilight realized.
Pinkie giggled as she started to float. "Hey, I'm glowing!" she laughed.
"So am I!" Fluttershy exclaimed.
Rarity looked around in a panic and tried to get back to the floor. "So am I! We all are!"
The alicorn looked on in horror, unsure of what to do. "What is happening?!" Moon shouted.
Twilight started floating as well and laughed. "It's the Elements of Harmony!" she exclaimed. "THEY'REMEANTFORHARMING!"
Moon tried to protect herself with a shield of magic, but the rainbow engulfed her completely, leaving behind a frail, young alicorn mare. The five mares looked at each other gleefully and pointed excitedly at the windows when they saw the sun finally rise up once more.
Twilight's eyes widened in realization. "Yes. YES! With this power I can take on the sun!" she exclaimed. "It'll pay for thinking it's higher than me!" she grumbled.
"Oh, Twilight..." a voice groaned in exasperation.
Celestia had come in and saw Spike collapsed in a pile of food he had somehow hidden in his disguise while Twilight continued to declare her rivalry with the sun for some reason. She had even destroyed everything around her.
She got worse.
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- The Psychopath · 1.4k words · 34 0 · 1.2k views
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Best. crackfic. EVER!!!!!
That cover image, 7/10.
more please.
Okay this is hilarious and it needs to be more than a shot~
I AM TWILIGHT!!
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I mean, if enough people clamor for it here I could try doing every season finale with Invader TWIlight.
11862682 YES! Please.
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Yes please! I imagine Chrysalis going insane and wanting to run from Twilight instead of dealing with her and calling off the invasion. She even offers peace in exchange Twilight never comes near her.
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YES! Please that would be so AWESOME!
LMAO
Quite good!
This has pure Jhonen Vasquez energy going on for its content, and it was a joy to behold in its insanity.
Thanks for the laughter you granted me with this gem, and I hope that you grant us more endings featuring this looney pony and her dragon assistant!
So, would this then make the alicorns the Almighty Tallest?
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M-maybe
[VAY HEK INTENSIFIES]
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laughs in robot vulture
Vay Hek is that you???
Also...
It's beautiful. I've looked at this for five hours now.
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Thinking up how to do the bug wedding. Lemme finish White Sun and I'll get to work on it.
Also, it'll be still with this story. I know now, thanks to Magic's Birth, that no one reads the 'sequel' story. YOU WILL BE FUNNELED, PROCESSED, AND MADE TO READ BOOKS INSTEAD OF GOING OUTSIDE! NO GRASS FOR YOU!