Maëva lives in a strange world. The legends talk about old mages, coming from a world of ponies, that met with humans a long time ago.
They left soon after, never to return again. The known portals vanished and the others were lost to time, only to be found again, by chance, at random points in history.
As a slow apocalypse is falling on Maëva's world, her friend Éma discovers one of those portals. Maybe it is luck, or fate, or a carefully devious plan from another entity, but either way, here's their escape route.
After all, living as a pony can't be as worse as being a human on a planet were earthquakes have become as common as rain, right?
Well, about that "being a pony" thing...
Story made for the Portal Transformations Contest and to prove to myself that I can write an actual HiE that isn't just a self-insert with a twist. Probably won't be done in time tho.
Post-deadline changes : 12/03/2024, added chapter 3
06/04/2024, added chapter 4
Fully written with ArianP92's remix of The Gypsy Bard in the background.
That explains the chapter title. One look at that and I was immediately mumbling to myself: "...there's a simple explanation, you're a toymaker's creation trapped inside a crystal ball..."
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Yeah, the next chapters are going to be more or less like that but with slight changes to the lyrics ^^ Fits the story.
This looks like a fun story. I'm excited for more!
"Maëva had grown a new head."
Lol
Huh, wasn't sure what to expect at first. But having realities collapsing due possibly to Eldritch horrors was not on my mind. A lot of these HiE fics have all sorts of nonsense going on in the human universe and it rarely has any affect on the story. Finding out this isn't an isolated event changes the narrative quite a bit.
How do you pronounce Maëva?
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The "Ma" of "Mama"
The "e" of "echo"
The "va" of "diva"
I think it's the same pronounciation than "Maeva". It's a popular name in French. I've kept the spelling because I like it and I tend to not change names during translation. (Most French authors don't translate names like "Twilight" or "Rainbow Dash" even if the show did, so we technically have equivalents)
This story is very... primitive. When someone speaks you need to add 'blank said', or some equivalent to that. To the end of that, if you don't, the assumption is that the last person to speak also said whatever else is being said after which leads to a jumbled mess where I just have to guess who is talking based on context clues but even then that isn't always totally clear. Most of the time it's obvious but there are more than a few times where I had to concede that several of the people in the room could have said the line which is disappointing to see.
(You can always get around those assumptions, like for example if there are only two people in a scene and they speak back and forth. Or a few other circumstances but you have up to seven people in a room and even then you don't mention who's talking at any point in time which is just plain messy.)
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I rely on context most of the time or the rule of "last person that spoke or was spoken about/spoken to" because I don't like to repeat "said" "told" "explained" and so on all the time. And if two people are discussing and no one is interrupting them, I don't add each time who's talking. It's a conscious choice on this one. Maybe not a good one, because while it's obvious to me who's speaking with the context and the way they speak, it might not be to everyone. But I don't need a lecture on the concept X) no need to call it primitive
Maybe you could give some examples? Because I re-read the text before posting it and everything seemed fine to me.
Edit: So I've gone through the text again and spotted like 5 times where this could be a problem (I guess? 3 of them don't look problematic to me. Like when I say "[Flurry] stopped at Cozy's height", it's obvious that she's goign to ask her and that Cozy is the one that's going to reply. Nevertheless, I added a little something to make it clearer) But I don't even know if that's the one you were talking about.
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It doesn't look like a problem to you, because you know who is saying what from the very outset, you are the writer here. I apologize if you didn't like the explanation I gave, but it's important to give it because some people genuinely don't know and it seemed as though you fell into that category given how primitive the story appeared.
If this idea of making every conversation a confusing guessing game of assumptions and trying to piece together context clues is one you want to hold onto for whatever reason then I would highly recommend never having more than three people (or three active speakers) in a scene at a time as having the eight or so of that last chapter was frankly, a mess. Stories shouldn't make the audience guess who is talking, you are an omniscient narrator, and that information needs to be obvious because every time someone has to stop mid-sentence and actively wonder "Who just said that?" they are taken out of the story.
If you don't want to use 'said' there are tons of other options like I mentioned. Such as having a character do a small action to indicate who is talking like.
"Jerry," Bob leaned forward and jabbed a finger at the page. "That is not how the word antiquated is spelled."
or
Bob leaned forward and jabbed a finger at the page.
"Jerry, that is not how the word antiquated is spelled."
I can appreciate that as writers we all have our Shakespeare moments where we think we can ignore the conventions of writing, make up our own words, and remake the very concept of grammar. But we ain't Shakespeare, and those rules are there for a reason.
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Again I've said I know I'm the writer so what's obvious to me isn't to the writer, you don't have to say it again X)
And I'm fine with you supposing I might not know. All the people on this site don't have 10 years of bagage like I do. (Although the "primitive" does hurt a bit ngl)
But I've written stories with way more characters than that and never had a problem with it, no one told me it was confusing so that's why I'm curious about where the mistakes might be.
I don't want to make it a confusing game. I just think there are some innate conventions in speech, such as, even if the room is full of people, if no one else is described doing something, then the people talking are the only one talking so no need to put it every sentence (even though I still do it every so often just to remind the reader. Because if feel like after 5-6 lines even between two people you tend to get a bit lost). Yes the reader should never get pushed out of the story unless it's desired, but if you cut every line it can ruin the pace and make it feel like you're thinking the reader can't follow a dialogue. (I've seen stories with that) Because sometimes it just adds nothing, not even clarity.
Maybe it's because in french we do differently. (For example I'm pretty sure I've never seen a text do an action after a sentence. But I don't read that much. The
"hello" Bob leaned forward.
feels so jarring to me that I don't use it. And I'm not saying I'm in the right. Just saying I don't like my text when I do it. And maybe that'll change, I'm still learning how to write in this weird language that is yours)
I don't want to be all Shakespearian either, I'm just asking for an example. Because I'm all knowing on my stories, well, I need another eye to tell me where there's something wrong then. That's why I asked for an example. You're saying I did a mistake but not saying where. The rule you're talking about isn't a hard one. You don't have to put a "said" or synonym at every sentence. (My vocabulary is lacking so it's also why I don't like doing it too often. And yes I know about synonym dictionnairies I use them but still) You gave some examples yourself. So I'm asking: where was it that I should still have followed it? Because I know in some places I was "right" to not follow that rule. But I can't tell which one because I'm the writer.
And don't get me wrong, I appreciate that you're stopping by and giving feedback. I really do. But I want to learn from it. That's what it's for. And I can't if you just say "made a mistake" and lecture me on why mistakes are bad and why I'm not shakespeare. I'm just asking for a clear example, a moment in the text where it doesn't work. That way I can stop, look at the situation, asses why I did that, why it doesn't work, and learn from it. But right now I can't.
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The mistake, quite simply is every single time you don't have a clear speaker. I could list them, but it would be almost all of them. It would actually take less time if I pointed out where you didn't mess this up but since you want examples, I'll give some examples from your last chapter.
"So... There's no repairing it?"
No speaker mentioned before that. Though the assumption is that Twilight said that, since that event actually happened after the line, a speaker is not apparent.
"What is that?" she said, shocked. "I thought Maëva's voice sounded a bit weird."
The last person mentioned was your hydra, so the assumption would be that any one of them said that since they are all female though I think you are trying to say that Cozy said that, again I have no idea who said that.
"Gee, princess. That's a harsh way of saying hello."
Again, the last mentioned person was Twydra, but I'm assuming you are implying that Cozy is speaking.
"A guide is on his way. So, who are they?"
No idea who said this, as the last person mentioned is Twilight, and both Cozy Glow and Cadance could have delivered this line.
"I don't think I can wait..." she muttered. "Cozy, can you point me towards the ruins?"
This might be Twilight but other characters have also mentioned an interest in the ruins so we cant be certain.
"We'll do our best to get back to Canterlot High as quickly as possible."
There is a coin toss if Cadance or Sunset said this, no idea.
"I know..."
No clue who could have said this as both Sunset and Twilight have the same motivations here.
"Thanks..."
Again, no clue who this is as there are no context clues available.
"If they need anything, come seek me, alright?"
This is probably Cadance but due to the previous sentence structure it could actually be Cozy or her.
"I only did it once!"
No idea who said this as the last person mentioned was Cozy, so I'm assuming this is Sunset? But it could also technically be Twilight so no idea the speaker here.
"Yeah, after betraying Celestia a few years prior."
Again, multiple characters could have said this, no idea who did.
"I'm just saying," the third head continued. "If-"
Its never actually mentioned anywhere in the story who is number one head, number two head and number three head. It could be order of delivery but that's just another assumption I have to make since you don't want to tell me whose talking.
"You're not wearing them?"
No idea who said this. The assumption is Cozy but other characters could have said it as well.
"I don't know. But the me here has probably read them. If they contain important information, we might as well be more than one to know about them. Two brains are better than one."
I have absolutely no idea who said this. The previous speaker was I think Sunset, but this line could have been delivered by either of the other heads so I have no idea.
"Found anything yet?"
Unknown speaker, no previously mentioned person. It could have been any three of the hydra heads, though if we look at it gramaticly then Flurry is the speaker but that doesn't make sense.
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Thank you.
Although I find myself already disagreeing with the second one. The last person mention is "her". So it's Cozy.
But I'll run through them all to see. Thank you still.
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Yes there are some inherent things to speech but this is not a visual or auditory medium, we cant hear the inflection of the words and determine who is speaking or judge that something is shouted from the distance. If two characters are having a conversation in a crowded room in a text-based medium like writing yes it's most likely that the only thing you will see is them going back and forth but if you don't tell us that we have to guess every single time they speak. Any line delivered in that context could have been a stranger shouting from the back and we will simply never know for certain which is really not the point of writing. You are turning your stories into wild games where nothing is certain, and any line could have been delivered by a number of different people which is frustrating, messy, and ignores some of the most basic, fundamental aspects of writing in general.
Adding a "Twilight said" will not ruin your pacing or throw people off your story. (Certainly not as much as the mess that is your current form of dialogue) This is how things are written in English, and from the age of five, we are taught that when someone speaks in a story, a speaker is indicated to tell who is speaking.
Here are some guides.
1. Pay close attention to rules 1-3 these are very basic rules.
2. This one is a bit more advanced and a bit more detailed. Check this one out once you've mastered the previous one.
3. This one covers some stuff the previous two didn't and with all three I think you have writing dialogue mastered.
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Every single character in that scene is female, "She/Her" doesn't help at all.
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"Cozy was flying in their direction but stopped in mid air, surprised, seeing the three heads turning to look at her." I don't see how in this sentence "her " can mean anyone other than Cozy. (Again English is not my mother tongue so maybe I'm mistaken)
Thanks for the links. I'll try to check it, but I still have issues with a lot of the ones you've highlighted, for example:
"We'll do our best to get back to Canterlot High as quickly as possible." -> It's said before that Candance is trying to reassure her. I even put a ":", isn't that a thing in English? (honest question)
"I only did it once!" -> Sunset said the line before Cozy's. Like, I kinda see where you're coming from on this one and not some others you haven't mentionned, because this one was shouted so it could apply to Twydra? But again, Sunset was the one saying the line before, so I thought the default assumption would be to think it's her? (Although now that I read it a "Sunset defended herself" or "Sunset said, offuscated" would have better conveyed the tone. But that's not what we're talking about here)
And others. And I'm not saying you've done those remarks in bad faith or anything. If you didn't understand them, yeah I guess that's on me.
I feel we're working and reading under very different assumptions. Your point of "Any line delivered in that context could have been a stranger shouting from the back and we will simply never know for certain" only works if you're assuming anyone can talk anytime without any precision ever been brought by the author. I work under the "Default to the expected. If two people we're talking, the next one talking are them, back and forth." (and people have "expected" even if they're not the authors) If I were to have a character say a line, then a description, then say a line again (and not the person they're talking to), yeah I would add something saying they "took a pause before resuming" or from the like. But if I don't say anything (and don't read anything) saying otherwise, I assume the next line is from their interlocutor. I wonder if that's cultural?
It's also funny because you're the first one to repproach me the "gimmick" of "first line of a new scene being a spoken sentence by a character that is only named in the next paragraph" that I've used twice in this chapter. I've used it probably dozens of times over the years and never seen a complaint about it. Makes me wonder if that's also cultural or if everyone that ever read me lied or forgot to mention it. Because that's definetly something that I've read before (that's why I use it) and it didn't bother me.
I'll take what you've said into account, don't worry. I'll be wary of that. But I'm not sure I will apply it as thoroughly (had to google that one) as you would. Because I don't feel like I would like that kind of story. We're not 5, I'm not writing for 5 years old. And I don't mean that as a burn or anything. Just, you mentionned you're taught from 5 that you put something after a line, but that's only because you don't nuance too much with 5 years old. And it's better to have a general rules that works all the time they can apply. But I feel adults writing/reading for adults could/should expand beyond that. It's an art, not a science. (well tbh even science expands beyond what you learn at 5, so bad example...) And I don't want a story to hold my hand at all time. So I don't want that in my stories either. Not saying that I'm succeeding in that.
Either way, you gave me food for thoughts. Sorry for the mistakes btw, I'm sure I've made a lot in those comments.
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I have absolutely no idea why you are bringing up a completely different sentence so I'm just going to ignore this.
That isn't used in this context. Especially not in writing dialogue. That isn't a dialogue tag and a speaker isn't apparent.
You cannot make that assumption in a room full of people. If we are assuming who the speaker is based on grammer the answer is Cozy Glow since she was the last one to speak and there are no dialogue tags. If we are assuming based on who might say it the answer is either Sunset, or Twilight, but again we can't know for sure.
We should not have to guess. We should not have to turn ever single line of dialogue into a game of "whose talking?" Just tell us. There is no excuse for this. Just tell the reader who is speaking.
You are just wrong here I'm sorry to say. Not sure why you think that way, it's just not how you write in English. Maybe it's a french thing.
This gimmick is fine when it makes it obvious who is talking, which is where you fail. If a character is alone in a room and it starts with "Augh!" Then the answer is the character said it. You are using the gimmick incorrectly by having crowded rooms, and only ever hinting at the speaker and never saying who said it. Which is weird? Like, why do you refuse to say who is talking? The way you have it now things look incredibly sloppy, disjointed, and the product of AI. So it doesn't actually help with aesthetics. Unless part of why you write is to purposefully confuse people and turn every scene into a weird meta-contextual game of who said what.
You are grossly exaggerating things. I did not say "Make sure every single sentence ends with 'blank said'. All I'm saying is to make it obvious who is talking, that is it. Please stop trying to take me out of context and frame this as some grand attack against the very concept of artistic expression. That is not what is happening, and you need to stop pretending otherwise. By choosing to make your dialogue a confusing mess which from the outside looking in, appears as though an AI wrote this story, then you fed it through some bad translation software. Your stories are at times, completely illegible, and look terrible. Simply making your dialogue understandable to people who aren't you is not some great artistic sacrifice I am trying to force upon you it is just a straight upgrade.
Final thing. I gotta ask is the point to evoke confusion in your readers? Or do you simply not care enough about your writing to even make sense in the first place?
Either way, you should have pride in your work and you should care about what you do, even if it's just a hobby my friend.
Minor thing, but the reason you probably haven't gotten many people pointing this out is that the stories of yours that get views are shitposts. Which are fine don't get me wrong, but the quality bar for shitposts is very low. Most serious readers will see how primative your writing is and simply pass, thinking that it's probably just another AI prompter trying to pass off the work of a computer as their own. Or at least that's what the few people who I passed your work to thought of your writing. My first thought was that you were someone who didn't speak the language and simply didn't care enough to be understood.
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(was about to go to PM but I guess it's easier if we keep the text under our eyes)
I was referencing that. It's the line before. (should have used quote before, mb)
I see. Guess I've done that mistake a couple of times already.
Well, I do. But guess I found out I'm the only one.
I don't see how...? Is that a thing, having a character say two lines back to back with not description with a linebreak?
Don't be sorry, I'm here to learn still. Don't know if it's a french thing or just me thinking in weird ways, but either way I'm still curious and glad to learn.
I'm sorry if you feel like I've taken you out of context, that wasn't my intention. Never wanted to make it look like a grand attack or whatnot.
This story is written in english from the start and I'd rather not write anything than have to resort to AI, even for translation. But I guess that was more for the comparison? Just wanted to make it clear.
I'm not going to answer those and try not to take them as an insult. I'm sure I can appear very hard to work with on your end, I get that don't worry. But we're both writers, we both know the answers to those.
I actually have too much of the first one, and the simple fact we both went on for so long shows you I have the second as well. Again, trying not to take it as an insult.
I'll be making changes in the chapters published and yet to come so that the dialogues aren't ambiguous.
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I'll just leave it at this.
My observation is that you don't speak with the intention of being understood. You place a strange amount of personal pride on not using the rules of proper grammar and by pretending as though you are somehow above the rules of writing. You think that by indicating who is talking in a more direct fashion (Some of the time, half the time you seem fine saying who is talking) you are somehow losing something when the opposite couldn't be more true. You are a very early amateur who is very new to writing and you have a lot of strange beliefs that you should critically examine. It may seem as though it is beneath you to study grammar but trust me it will help you immensely.
Good luck out there.