On a Wednesday morning, Rarity decided to go to her luck to refresh her slightly lost mind. She found a cafe where she would meet someone very special.
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- Member Since 22nd Jun, 2023
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Pinkiemlp97
A simple reader loves reading fanfiction but is considering making her own fanfics.
Pinkiemlp97
Joined 22nd Jun, 2023 ·
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I like it!
I'm interested
Oooooh Paris. The city of love
You need to work on the grammar a bit.
You are jumping not only between tenses but also from first to 2nd and 3rd person.
That is a no no.
I liked the story itself- but there were enough grammatical issues that I wondered about maybe commenting about the overall patterns of them I saw, so as to help. This part of things really did explain quite a lot: "I use a translator so it is possible that some things are possibly poorly translated".
(Side note: As confident as I am on grammar, that's pretty much the ONLY thing I'm confident in, and I fully admit to being a stumbling rookie of a writer myself.)
Point of advice #1: Use consistent tenses. Though you mostly use past tense, which is normal for a written story, there are some times where you switch into present tense. The first example is here: "She is currently in Paris", a phrase which is sandwiched in between a bunch of past tense verbs, meaning that 'she WAS currently in Paris' would be more consistent.
Point of advice #2: Use consistent point of view. You mostly use third-person point of view, but there are some times where you slip into first-person, and it is yet again jarring. The first example is here: "Luckily for me, the lady also spoke English, she approached the shoes, I asked her for my size and she took them with me", a first-person perspective which comes in between a bunch of sentences based on third-person perspective.
Point of advice #3: Work on using pronouns that are accurate to the meaning you're trying to convey. There are some times where pronouns are used incorrectly- sometimes to confusing effect, and sometimes to unintentionally hilarious effect. The first pronoun mistake is here: "looking at the padlocks with the initials of her partners". Because it says the padlocks have the initials of HER partners, the sentence is technically saying that all of those initials were from people who had been partners to the narrator, which is kind of a hilarious typo once the reader gets past the confusion. Another early example of an unintentionally hilarious mistake is here: "It's not that he doesn't like the idea of two girls being together", where the pronoun "he" is used to refer to an obviously female narrator.
Hopefully these three pointers can help prevent you from being overwhelmed when dealing with a foreign language, allowing you to focus in on very specific things when analyzing the output created by the translator and fine-tuning it.
11810268
Thanks for the advice, as I said, I use a translator and sometimes I noticed that it said "he" instead of "she" or if I read it and you are right in part I changed it to first person without realizing it, I will correct it when I get free, but for now I corrected some things
11810257
I will correct it soon... I was waiting for the page to approve the fanfiction and I didn't notice some errors but I hope you liked the story
11810355
Erm... I'm not really sure what you mean when you say 'is very separated'. For each point of advice I gave, I made sure to give a quote as an example, so I'm really not sure what you're looking for in terms of additional examples.
11810370
Sorry I got confused with another comment, I already edited some points that you indicated then I will correct if I notice something else (or if someone notices something like you) I'm a little busy at the moment and I will also do it with a fanfiction I'm working on (they are chapters ), it's funny since I have the plot but I started with the middle and some of the beginning and to get to where I want, which are beautiful moments, I have to create a tense atmosphere at the beginning)
PS: When you said that "She is currently in Paris" sounds in the past tense and that "she was currently in Paris" would be more consistent. You say I changed it to "she was currently" since it sounds in the present tense.