Introducing Mr. Jason Tiberius Nalick, a man of loss and failed rebellion, finding a purple rock. This purple rock sends him suddenly into a whole new world. A world if he was told he was going to a few moments earlier would laugh at. His arrival marks the beginning of events that shake nations, dethrones a corrupted ruler, helps preserve millennium-old dynasties, and helps protect a country and his new friends against forces only two living beings know still exist. Will Jason ever find peace and erase his past?
Reading this generation old tale, is a Princess of the world Jason falls into born years later who, as a life lesson, is forced to undertake the study of the Magic of Friendship using this age old tale as a guide. Adventures spur forth and she comes face to face with the past told in the very book she is reading as she tries to right her wrongs and become whole again. Will she ever be able to find her way?
A smirk formed on Twilight's muzzle. "Certainly. I'll pull a few stings. I'm sure Celestia will agree."
A few stings huh...I'm sure the bees had to help get teh point across somehow.
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Oh, why thank you for the compliments, and I am glad you liked it.
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I'm really glad to hear that! I try to make the dialogue flow as a pony (or person) would say it. It takes some effort, but I find it very rewarding. Ellipses make good halts and pauses, em dashes make good stutters, etc. And a pony isn't going to talk to most ponies the same exact way. They will often changed what vocabulary or mannerism of how they talk based on relation, emotions, and other factors. I tell you what though, Luna's early modern English is tough. I have put a considerable amount of research into it. I only wish I had some Shakespeare on-hoof for a better base. Err... sorry for the lecture. I just have a habit of explaining how I do something.
I'm glad you liked the character building scenes. I was worried those got too drawn out. Anyway, thanks for the input! I really appreciate it!
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No worries. I enjoy the feedback! I suppose I could try to slim down the future chapter when I can. I guess 11,000 words for a chapter is a bit too much. Anyway, I enjoy your support and continued feedback! If you have anything that you think needs to be brought up, let me know.
Hm, I wouldn't say eleven thousand words is too much, but that's just me and wanting the story to entertain me as long as possible.
I really like your way of counting the story through a book in a book, I gotta say. This also leaves expectations upon what you will do with Equestria's future.
I do have a few things that would need to be pointed out, even though a few seem to be a common problem for most.
The one that is common is grammar errors regarding the use of your and you're.
Your stands for a possessive noun while you're is short for "you are".
I have no problem with you switching between present and past tense in general either (although some peoples might get confused by that),
but I do also notice that there are errors regarding the according of verbs to their subject and time.
I would point a few out, but I'm too lazy to write it down.
I'm also wondering if you have pre-readers?
I would recommend it.
Do remember that this comment is only based as concrete criticism, and that I do overall enjoy the story you're telling (which is why I'm at this chapter right now and have you watched.)
I do hope to see more
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No, I don't have a pre-reader yet. That's the majority of the problem with the grammar errors. I just have trouble looking through all of it--it just blurs after awhile--and it makes it difficult. I am aware of the your & you're thing, but usually focus on content quality first, and then focus on the spelling/grammar quality after I finish a chapter. Probably not the most effective, but it works for the most part though some things just slip past the net like I said.
I thank you very much on your criticism and am glad you like it.
If you want to go into detail, go for it! I'll have the next chapter up by tomorrow so you can comment on that too!
Happy Thanksgiving all, and thanks to my new pre-reader for helping edit this chapter!
"a lot of the times since many sounds can come from one letter"
"Wow, pretty strong for a baby. Must be because he's…"
Hey there, I see you managed to get yourself a pre-reader?
Those are the only two obvious errors I could find.
Kudos to both of you!
That is also definitely not something I expected would happen. (Someone being transported into a book. Huh, reminds me of Myst.)
Also, I do notice that even if I watch someone, I won't receive a notice when there's a new chapter for one of their stories.
Any way I could get that to work?
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Thank you! My proof-reader caught many of the ones I skipped over numerous times, because of reading it too many times. I thank you for pointing those out too. (I'll have to correct those later...) What are the less obvious ones you saw, if any?
That old game? Hmm... I never thought about it before, but you're right. Maybe my subconscious dredged it up, I can't say.
If you let your mouse hover over the star for a moment, a bubble should pop up for an e-mail notification checkbox. I could also PM you when I post a new chapter if you want.
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Well, most errors are obvious to me, so to tell you the truth, those are the only two I found.
No need to pm, I'll just have to get used to reading my emails.
Also, VEGGIE SALAD!
What's this about a veggie salad?
Also, amendments are complete, and thank you for the input and pointing out the mistakes. I appreciate it!
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I should kick myself after watching the CMC episode three times and not realizing what 'VEGGIE SALAD!' was referring to. Proceed with brain implosion from stupidity in 3 ... 2 ... 1... *POP!*
I feel really dumb right about now ...
Now then, anger at self now subsided, good morning all, enjoy the chapter, and I'm off!
Hello, everypony. As Omni's close friend, and (primary) pre-reader (and as he's unable to do this himself), I feel I should inform you all that the next chapter may take a couple more weeks to come out. For reasons I will not go into, he has been without power for the last few weeks, and, as such, has been unable to type up the next chapter. However, he HAS been writing out the outline and a rough draft by hand, and as soon as he gets power back, I am sure he will begin typing it out. Please be patient, the next chapter's gonna be a d*** good one. Have a great day, everypony. /)
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Thank you so much Soul!
To all readers:
I'm so sorry I've been unable to get back you y'all for so long. I don't have long, so I'll just give you a quick over-view of the writing situation:
1.) Soul pretty much covered everything, but I am determined to get the next chapter written by the end of the week and typed/sent to pre-readers by next weekend. The local library will be seeing a lot of me!
2.)Outline - done > Hand-written draft - 68% > Typed - pending > Pre-read/proofing - pending
3.)Pen KO count - 3!
Update!
Outline - done! > Hand-written draft - done! > Typed - done! > Pre-read/proofing - In Progress
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Pre-read/proofing - Done!
Check your E-mail, Omni. To everypony else, expect the next chapter sometime this weekend. Hope you like it as much as I did.
Huh. I can't place my finger on why, but this chapter felt weaker...
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Hmmm... Well, when, or if, you figure out why, let me know. I'm intrigued. It is shorter than my usual chapters.
I was wondering about the tags, as neither Blueblood nor Trixie turn up in a search.
Then I got to chapter 6, and now I'm scared to read on for fear of finding Blueblood, of all ponies, to be some kind of monstrous fiend in the guise of a pony... especially since I have a hard time feeling with the heroes...
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You'll see how that whole part will turn up very soon. Remember how bitter Thunderstorm is about everything, and Trixie is going to have a very dramatic entrance. Also, I do NOT believe in straight up heroes. All heroes have their faults that they need to come to terms with at some point. Granted some of the character's from the show have already been put through this test, so they will probably not have to do so again. This aspect of MLP: FiM is a part of what made me interested in the series to start with. However, I also do NOT believe in pure villains either. So, make of that what you will--I hope I did not include any spoilers in that--and thank you for voicing your opinion and reading! I do hope you continue!
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Nono, thank you for handling my post so graciously!
Yep, Lieutenant is feeling pretty tired.
It's obvious since he's telling a unicorn to fly away
Will read this when I have a chance, your friend suggested it to me.
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Awesome, I hope it helps you with your writer's block some. I'll enjoy any feedback if you decide to give it too!
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The lieutenant is very tired indeed. I'm glad someone found the joke within the reference.
I do believe you are confused in your end note, as the suffix Mancy means divination by, it was only associated with the meaning you are providing once people realized that Necro-mancy is often attempted by trying to summon the spirits of the dead and bind them into revealing the future. other examples of divination common around the world is osteo-mancy, divination through the various uses of bones, pyromancy, divination through fire, and aquamancy, divination through the use of water. what you are looking for is Kinesis, the ability to control or influence the energies of
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Oh, thank you for that. I overlooked that for some reason. I'll change that when I get the chance.
3204044 it's quite alright, it's just something that i've had drilled into me by my professors time and again to the point where it really annoys me seeing Mancy used wrong
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Well, I should have known better with as much research as I've put into magic due to this story. Goodness knows it's less than my readings on the latest the workings of theoretical nuclear fusion reactors, but you get the gist of it.
Noooooo. not everything
Up to this chapter so far. I'm enjoying the story but I'd recommend that if you ever started a parallel story like this again that you introduce Astra sooner as a more full character than as what feels like just the framing device for Jason's story. The reason being that my initial reaction to her story is frustration that we're not still talking about Jason's story. Having a novella's length before taking a chapter to focus on her feels a bit long to me but maybe I'm just more interested in Jason's story and my reaction is different from most people's reactions.