Full Friendship's Magic #3 (The Inner monster)

by Reykatan

Scroll of Modesty Chapter 13: The flaw before the price

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The next day, the ponies gathered together at the park for their picnic, to make up with the Pie cousins. They brought their pets along with lots of food and drinks. As they arranged the picnic cloth, Pinkie pie arrived first. Hopping towards them with Gummy on her tail
.

“Hi girls! Oohh, the food looks yummy!” Pinkie pie swipes a few of Applejack's muffins and gobbles them up. ”Hmmmmm, they’re crunchier than the ones me and Maud had!”

“Uh, Thanks Pinkie pie. . . I made it extra crunchy for you and your cousin. It’s the least we could do to set aside that whole thing.”

“What thing?”

“Uhh, about her, suddenly being a unicorn? That’s why we agreed to have a picnic in the first place. So we could let her know we aren’t suspicious about her anymore.”

“Ooohh, that thing. . . . Don't worry Rainbow, it didn't bother her at all.”

“That’s great Pinkie pie.” Twilight replied as she set up their food on the picnic sheet. ”I’m glad that things between you and Pizza pie are doing well again.”

“And right in time too.” Rarity pulls out her notepad from her pouch. “I can’t wait for us to work on my new design outfits for my new sale at my boutique.

“Right, after we show Pizza pie a good time.” Applejack lowers Rarity's hoof with the notepad. “So, where’s yo cousin? We expect you two to come here together.”

“Oh, Cousin said she needs to wash up. So she told me to go on ahead.”

“Oh, I just want to thank her for letting me babysit colours.” colours appear on Fluttershy’s mane after she changes her color to green. ”It’s nice for your cousin to let me spend time with her pet playing with the other animals. . .”

“Cousin wouldn’t mind, colours seem happy to have friends other than gummy, isn’t that right colours?” colours remain still as her eyes split apart looking in different ways. ”colours said she’s had fun at your cottage Fluttershy.”

“I-I’m so glad to hear it. . . You can visit again if you want colours. You can play with the other animals all da-”

Out of nowhere, a burst of magic appeared before them, causing a huge smoke. Startled, Fluttershy and hides behind Pinkie pie, covering her face with Pinkie’s tail. Appearing from the smoke is Pizza pie. Using her tail like a fan, she blows the smoke away as she walks to her friends.

“. . . . . .”

“Heh.” She smirks and brushes her mane. ”I’m here girls! Sorry, I’m late.”

“Cousin!” Pinkie bounces towards Pizza pie and hugs her.”We were just talking about you.”

“Talking? About what? Me being seemingly better than I “used” to be?”

“ . . . .”

“No silly, but you are getting better at using her magic. Which by the way, Twilight! cousin read all the books you lent her and figured out all of them in a single night!”

“Oh wow, really? I thought for certain, you said a simple teleportation is giving you a hard time-”

“And yet I perfected it last night. I don't wanna brag but, all the books you showed me seem pretty easy.”

“Oh, uh. Technically, some of the spells took me longer to figure out and-”

Applejack cuts in between Pizza pie and Twilight and escorts them to the picnic site. “We'll talk more about that after we eat. Granny Smith made us a couple of Apple spiced muffins, and, Apple pie.”

“Like we need more apple snack.” Pizza pie muffled.

“Beg your pardon?”

“Nothing, You got anything else?”

“Ah, yes we do dear.” Rarity gives Pizza pie a glass of tea. ”Here you are dear, a classic Canterlot green tea. It's one of a kind, you simply must give it a taste darling.”

“. . . . .” Disdain, Pizza pie takes a sip of the tea. “Hmm, taste like hot leaf soup. Just like any other tea I ever tasted."

"Oh, ah well . . . Y-you're not wrong. I'm guessing you're not much into tea. My apologies."

“Um . . . Pizza pie.” Fluttershy walks up to Pizza pie and hands over colours. ”I-I brought back colours for you, thanks again for letting me babysit her. She had a great time at my home playing with the other animals-

“I'm sure she did, say why not look after her for a couple more days? I still need some space for myself.”

“Oh, uh I-I thought you'd be thrilled to have your pet back-”

“You did say you look after animals right? Just let her stay with you until I needed her back.”

“Hey!” Rainbow dash grabs colours from Fluttershy then she walks up to Pizza pie, forcingly hands her colours. “Fluttershy's not your personal Babysitter, show some gratitude”

“I will, once you give her my pet.” Pizza pie shoves colours back to Rainbow dash.

“Hey! what's your deal?!-”

“Alright, that’s enough, the dy just started.” Applejack pulls Rainbow dash away.” Why don’t we y'all grab a bite first?”

“Agreed, after that, we have some fun activities planned to spend the day with you Pizza pie. How's that sound?”

“Whatever Twilight, it better be interesting though. I only agreed on this because Pinkie said so.”

"Twilight nervously laughs. “Well then, everypony let's dig in.”

The ponies look at each other confused by Pizza pie's sudden spite attitude. As they eat, the Ponies observe the Pie cousins. Pinkie pie munching dozens of muffins while Pizza pie didn't take a single bite. She noticed that Pinkie's were staring at her, they quickly looked away and resumes eating as she glares at them. After an hour, the ponies decided to take turns spending time with their friends cousin as planned. Rarity goes first, as she brings her sewing kit, some clothing and jewelry.

“Now darling, I already made some draft samples that I'm sure you'll look fabulous on. We'll start with this one." Rarity points at one her designs in the pad. "Now, if you wouldn't mind holding still for a moment as I take your measurement-”

Pizza pie then grabs Rarity's sketch pad with her magic and looks at it. “So you want to make me this one?”

“Why yes dear. That one took me some time to design it. Hoping it would suit your gorgeous appearance.”

“ . . . . .” Pizza pie looks closely at Rarity's draft. “Hmmmm . . . .”

“I-Is there something wrong dear? I-If you don't like the design we can just-”

Suddenly, the sewing kit and fabrics behind Rarity begin to float, then pass over her and circle Pizza pie. With her magic, her eyes rapidly scan through the draft and start to make the dress. In under a minute, Pizza pie finishes the dress. Rarity was left speechless and amaze by Pizza pies sudden skills.

“I-I don't believe it.” Rarity grabs the dress and inspects it. The dress was perfectly sewn in every stitch. “It's so perfect. GASP! You even did a raised stem stitch. That took me months to perfect it. So how-”

“I just follow what it says in your draft.”

“Y-Yes you did dear, but I was supposed to make it for you.”

“Well, if you did, that'll take us at least months for you to finish it.”

“ That's a bit harsh, but seeing you already made it-”

Pizza pie wears the dress and grabs a mirror. “Yeah, it's nice. Can we move on now? I have to meet with Fluttershy next right?

“Ah, yes yes of course dear. You know we can do this again sometim-"

“Great!” Pizza pie grins. “I’ll catch you later bye!”

She teleports away leaving the dress she made. Rarity picks it up, mocked and confused. Up next is Fluttershy, they both stroll peacefully in the woods while meeting with different animals along the way.

“And this is my favorite part of the forest. You can see all the cute animals living behind the sanctuary I helped build.”

“I see. Well, I heard from the other ponies you can speak to these animals directly.”

“Oh no, not really. I just know how they feel. It's my way of understanding them.”

“So, in short, you're just guessing?”

“Well, ummm . . . . Oh!” A bird suddenly landed on Fluttshy's mane and greeted her. “Hello there Mr. Blue Jay, how are you today?”

“. . . .” Pizza pie carefully observes Fluttershy as she talks with the Blue Jay. “Say Fluttershy-”

“Oh, sorry. Do you want to say hello too?”

“Uh, sure. But I wanna try something.”

“Try something?” Fluttershy curiously replied. “Well Um, ok . . .”

Fluttershy places the bird onto Pizza pie hoof. The sweet bird chirps at her as she looks at it directly in the eye. Then the bird is in a trance from her stare. Their surroundings slowly fade into an abyss, the bird hears a loud eerie voice. Then two large red eyes appeared before it, staring the bird down like its prey. Out of fear and panic, the bird gets frantic and quickly flies away.

“Huh? Mr. Blue Jay? Come back.” Fluttershy tries to follow the bird but it flies off to the forest. “Wha-What happen?”

“Hmm, I guess I scared it off.” Pizza pie calmly replied.

“W-What did you do? All Mr. Blue did is look at you.”

“Uh-huh and I look back.”

“I-I don't get it Pizza pie, What does that mean?”

“Who knows, it might sense danger.”

“Danger? I don't see any Danger.” Fluttershy turns to Pizza pie, who's cleaning her hoof. She scratches her head confused. “S-Shall we move along then?”

“Yes please, all these pests watching us, are starting to annoy me.”

As the two ponies continued walking, Fluttershy looked back, seeing the animals were terrified of Pizza pie. She also noticed Pizza's cutie marks glowing, she didn't mind it and moved on. A few minutes later, It's Twilight’s turn to spend time with the Pie cousin. They sat under a tree showing Pizza pie some old books from Canterlot.

“You know Pizza pie, I used to sit under a tree like this as I’m reading this. She lends Pizza pie her special book. “Little did I know, that one day it'd change my life. It's through that book that I got to meet my best friends, we face many challenges. And before I know it I became the princess of friendship, spreading my teachings all across equestrian and it’s all thanks to this book right here.”

“Wow, that’s amazing, So this book gave you you're destiny huh?”

“I guess you can say that. If you look here.” Twilight flips the book, showing Pizza pie a page of the elements. “These are the elements of Harmony. Each of us represents a part of these elements. Applejack represents Honesty, Rainbow dash represents Loyalty, Rarity represents Generosity, Fluttershy is kindness, your cousin Pinkie is Laughter and as for me, I represent the spirit of magic.”

“So each of you including cousin Pinkie are these elements . . I make sense now.” She looked closely at the page, her eyes focus on the element. “So that's what becomes of it.” She muffled. “I should've known.”

“Uh, becomes of what?”

“It used to be just three, and now there's six more?”

Pizza pie voice slowly changes as she continues to muffle. “Αυτοί οι ξένοι δεν μαθαίνουν ποτέ. Αφήνοντας ένα υπόστεγο ψεύτικης ελπίδας, μόνο για να καθυστερήσει τον θάνατο όλων των πλασμάτων.” (These alicorns never learn. Leaving a shed of false hope, only to delay the demise of all creatures.)

“Uh, Pizza pie . . .” Twilight felt a heavy presence coming off from Pizza pie as she muffled to herself. Concerned, she nervously reached over Pizza pie's shoulders. “Are you ok- !!”

“. . . .” She suddenly grabbed Twilight's hoof. Her muffling stops, then slowly turns to Twilight. Her eerie presence disappeared and Pizza pie looked at Twilight confused. “Am I ok what?”

“Uh . . . I-”

“What's wrong? Pizza pie tilts her head. “It's like you've seen a ghost or something?”

“Ah, who me? No, no.” Twilight nervously laughs. “I just thought for a second there you sounded different earlier haha.”

“Sound different? What do you mean?”

“I, uh . . . . nevermind Pizza pie, it's nothing. So, what do you think about the book?”

“It's nice, but it puts me to sleep just by reading it.” Pizza pie hands back the book to Twilight and yawns. “Are there any more books you want to show me? I think it's Applejack's turn to spend time with me right?”

“Uh . . . . no. . . ." Twilight hides the other books behind her. “That its actually HA HA! And yes, I believe Applejacks waiting for you at Sweet Apple Acres. Thank you by the way, for letting me spend time with-”

“Yeah, Yeah sure. Which way is that Apple farm of hers again?”

“I wasn't finished. Anyway, It means a lot to share these books-”

“Never mind, I see it. Later!" Pizza pie teleports away, leaving Twilight behind.

“You're welcome! . . . Ugghhh!!” Twilight lay down in frustration. She grabs the book, and turns at the same page Pizza pie read. “It's used to be just three? . . .” She scratches her head and puzzled. “Three . . . elements?”

After her time with Twilight, Pizza pie went over to Applejack at Sweet Apple Acres, expecting a fun activity. She walks into the barn and sees Applejack isn't there. She tries looking for her at the farm, but still no sign of Applejack, As she goes to the apple fields, she finally sees Applejack, pulling her wagon with empty baskets and setting them under each of the apple trees. Pizza pie walks down the hill to meet up with her.

“Hey, Applejack.”

“Howdy Pizza pie, you're early. How did your time with Twilight go?”

“Eh, it could be worse. I mean, she talks about her books all the time. Seriously, she bores me to tears."

“I'm guessing you ain't the readin type.”

“Obviously not, I can't believe somepony like her can get to be a princess.”

“Well, it's a matter of destiny Sugar Cube. You can't tell what you'll be someday.”

“Right, destiny . . .” Pizza pie replies quietly.

“Uh, huh. Say since you’re here, mind lending a hoof on bunking these apples?"

She looked behind Applejack and saw a forest of apple trees. Each is filled with fresh apples ready for harvest. ”That’s a lot, you want me to help you pick all these apples?”

“Well, I was planning on bunking all of it while you’re still with Twilight. Now that you’re here, how's about you with me bunk all these apples together? And after that, we’ll have some of Granny Smith’s apple cider.”

“Apple cider you say?" Said Pizza pie licking her lips. "Well, I am feeling thirsty after all that reading. I'll try a glass-”

“Whoa there, we haven't started yet.” Applejack chucked. “We’ll be tasting those ciders as soon as we're done here-”

Pizza pie teleports in closer to the apple trees. She looks at both ends of the field, Applejack runs up to her side, panting.

“Hold on there Sugar Cube, there are a lot of these apples that last a day to pick up. We'll just bunk down a few, just enough for today, the rest will be up to me and Big Mac.”

“Oh, why do that when we can bunk all of it ourselves? After all, I got magic now.”

“I appreciate the motivation Pizza pie, but it took me and my friends to clear just half of these in a day.”

Pizza pie smirks and replies. “Well, I got new for you. I'm like your friends.”

She walks closer to the apple trees and gets in position. The ground around them starts to shake. Applejack wobbles back and forth and watches Pizza pie use her magic. Then, all the apple trees were lifted off the ground, she was left speechless witnessing Pizza pie's magic in such a feat.

“I-I don't believe it . . .”

“You might wanna step back Applejack.”

“Oh, uhh right. . .” Applecjack steps away from the floating trees and stands right next to Pizza pie. ”What you plannin to do- WHOOAA!”

Pizza pie smirks and then sets all the baskets just below the trees. She releases her magic and the trees just drop back from the ground. The baskets were immidiently filled to the brim with apples while the rest were scattered on the ground.

“See, all done."

“Uh, well now . . .” Applejack scratches her head confused. “I don't know how you did it, but I ain't complainin.”

“Yup, just like you doubted.”

“Well, I didn’t mean to say it at first, but seeing as you proved me wrong I guess I should apologize for it.”

“You should be. I did all that just to show you, when you got the magic, you get the job done.”

“If you recall Sugar Cube, I ain't the one who “magically” got herself a unicorn.”

“Pfftt.” Pizza pie takes a stretch and leans on the wagon. “Whatever. Say, can we have that apple cider now? You mentioning it before made me curious to try it.”

“Uh, Alright then, I guess we'll have some now.”

“Sweet. I'd bet it'd taste better than Rarity's fancy leaf juice.”

Applejack and Pizza pie head back to the barn. Pizza pie carries all the baskets with her magic, making Applejack a bit bothered. Then, she notices Pizza’s cutie mark glowing and starts to suspect. Lastly, Pizza pie meets up with Rainbow dash at the riverside. As she gets closer, she sees a bunch of boulders lying near the shore. Rainbow dash was tossing some over the other side. She goes to Rainbow dash, curious about their plans to spend the day.

“Hey, RD. What’s with all these rocks?"

“Pizza! You’re just in time.” Rainbow dash flies on top of a boulder. “I was just practicing on my rock tossing, that’s all.”

“Rock . . . tossing?”

“Yeah, that’s my plan for us today. Well, my first plan was just chilling all day, but then I saw this bunch of boulders lying around. So I thought why don’t we spend the rest of the day with a little contest?”

“You mean, which one of us throws a boulder the farthest?”

“Nope, it's which one of us tosses a boulder the farthest Aaaannd makes a crater the deepest.”

“Oh. . .”

“Well? Don’t you think that’s an awesome Idea or what?”

She looks awkwardly at Rainbow dash “Uh . . . I’m gonna go with or what?”

“C’mon, Pizza it’s simple. Each of us will take turns tossing a boulder over the other side and make a crater. Whoever makes the furthest toss and the deepest crater gets to sit on the cool lawn chair.”

“The cool bench?”

“No, the cool lawn chair. Look.” Rainbow dash points her out the lawn chair right next to a big tree. ”isn’t it beautiful Pizza?”

“Uh . . . and why is it called the “cool lawn chair” exactly?”

“I'm glad you asked. You see, judging by where it's placed, it has an equal distance between that flat wood stump where you place your snack and that big oak tree, where it gives just the right amount of shade. And best of all, it's pointed at the best view of the sunset ever. So, It’s not just the “cool lawn chair” it’s also the “perfect cool lawn chair.””

“Sounds, pretty cool I guess.”

“Pretty cool? You mean pretty awesome! And only one of us gets to sit on it. So, I challenge you to a boulder toss. Whoever wins gets to sit on it until sunset.”

“Hmmm . . . .” Pizza pie rubs her chin and replies. “Ok, Rainbow dash. You’re on!”

They both shake hooves and get themselves in position, right in front of two piles of boulders apart from each other. Rainbow dash takes a few stretches and Pizza pie does the same.

“Right, I’ll go first. Just to show you how it's done. (Heh, judging from her, she's not as strong as she looks. But just to make sure,) Oh yeah, one more thing Pizza.”

“Yeah, what's that?”

“No magic, just sheer willpower and strength alright?”

“Uh . . . Ok, fine.”

“Good. (I know she just got that horn and is still pretty new at the whole magic department, but I won't take any chances.) Ok, here I go.” She grabs the lightest boulder in her stack and carefully carries it on her shoulders. “Eeeeee RAAAAAAHHHHGGG!!!”

Using both hooves Rainbow dash tosses her boulder with full force. The boulder made it over the other side, just a few feet away from shore. The impact causes the sand to cloud up and slowly clear up around the boulder.

She smirks then turns to Pizza pie, panting “Phew . . . nailed it. . . try . . to beat that!”

Pizza pie claps her hooves in amazement. ”Ok, I will.” She walks up to her pile and picks the same size boulder as Rainbow dash. Just as she's about to use her magic.

“Remember Pizza pie, no magic.”

Pizza pie glares behind Rainbow dash. “OK! I heard you the first time!” She grabs hold of the boulder and tries to lift it but fails. She tried many times, but the boulder wouldn't move. Furious, Pizza pie tries one more time and manages to just flip over the boulder. ”Uhhhgggg!!! this is impossible to move it like this!”

“Well, that's too bad, I didn't say we had to toss the same size boulder. (Ok, she's not super strong like Maud. I guess I should go easy on her now.)”

“You set me up on that!”

“Hey, nopony likes a sore loser Pizza, but maybe at the next round you should try a smaller boulder-”

“Let me try again.”

“Pizza you can barely lift-”

“I SAID LET ME TRY AGAIN!” Pizza pie's voice shifts as she yells at Rainbow dash.

“Whoa Ok, ok . . . (Geez what’s with her today? She wasn’t like this before she got that horn.)”

As Pizza pie gets tries again, Rainbow dash notices a red vapor coming out of Pizza pie's body. The temperature around them started to rise, reaching Rainbow dash. She backed away slowly from Pizza pie and watched her in a safe distance.

”(Whoa O-Ok that’s creepy.) D-Don't strain yourself Pizza, it's just a game ok?-”

“Zipped it!” Pizza pie approached the boulder earlier. ”I don't need magic to win.” Suddenly, her tail begins to extend, reaching the boulder. Then the tip of her tail splits into fives and morphs into a claw, grabbing the boulder. Pizza pie manages to lift the boulder off the ground with ease with her arm-like tail. ”RRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAGGGGHHHHHH!!!!”

And with full force, she twirled her body along with her tail grabbed the boulder, and tossed it like a boomerang. The boulder flew past Rainbow dash’s and into the forest. It landed somewhere in the woods where a large explosion could be heard. The birds scatter into the sky as the cloud of smoke can be seen where they are.

”Bu-Bu-Bu-” Her mouth wide open, Rainbow dash was completely shocked by Pizza’s incredible feat. ”I-I can’t even . . . but . . . H-How did you do that?!”

“Heh, Now. . . . How's that for no magic?”

”Hows what?! I didn't even know you can do that!”

”Nopony likes a sore loser Rainbow.” Pizza pie teleports at the chair and leans back with her hooves behind her head. ”Just admit I beat you in your own game.”

”You just caught me by surprise- . . . D- Did you just call me a loser?!”

”Hmmm . . . From the look at your face? I say, that the look of defeat. ” Pizza pie poofs a can of soda with her magic. ”It's sad to see.”

”Ok, Pizza pie seriously, what’s with you today? You're acting strange, you weren't like this before you got that-”

”Got what?” Pizza pie teleports right in Rainbow dash face. Her eyes glow red, staring her down. ”This?” She points at her horn. ”This changes everything about me. . . . The old Pizza pie is dead, the new me is more than just a Pinkie look-alike. I am better now.”

”Better at what? What are you talking about?!”

”. . . . Forget it. Here I am, wasting my time with cousin Pinkie’s friends, and none of them have a clue of what I’ve been through. Well, whatever. You just can’t be close to anypony these days.”

”You're not making sense! Pinkie already told us what you've been through, and you're just ranting out of nowhere for no reason-”

”I AM NOT RANTIN!-” Pizza pie steps back and calms down. “Sigh . . . . . I kept my agreement on spending time with each of you. So for now on, I won't bother all of you, if you all promise never to mention what I did today from cousin Pinkie. Is that a deal?”

”Fine, we will! You can be a complete snub all you want, we're just doing all this because of Pinkie pie anyway.”

”Aw, thanks, Rainbow dash that's really sweet. Welp, It's getting late I should be going.”

”Yeah, yeah . . .”

”Oh, and one more Rainbow Dash.”

”What?”

”Your cool lawn chair is trash. It'd be better off calling it “the trash chair.” Ok, laters ” She smiles and teleports away as her laugh echoes to the forest.

”WHY THAT LITTLE-”

After a long day, the ponies meet up at the park, completely exhausted. By looking at each other, they all guess that none of them seem to enjoy Pizza's company.

Twilight holds up her scroll to write down their reports. ”Ok, girls. How's your day with Pizza pie so far?”

Rarity steps forward. "Well Twilight, we did manage to make a dress together . . . But uh, look through my draft and instantly . . . . Sh-She made it perfect!” Rarity shows Pizza’s work to her friends for proof

". . . .”

"And?” Rainbow dash asked. "So what?”

"SO WHAT?!” Rarity pulls Rainbow dash close to her face. "You see this? THIS!” She then shoves the dress at Rainbow. "These stitches took me a lot of practice to perfect it, but she managed to perfect it in seconds!”

"In seconds?!”

"Yes, did you not hear me Applejack?! Why, it's an insult to all skilled tailors out there to have their technique be mastered by a beginner!!” She pulls a couch from nowhere and then wallows.

"Wait, she just learned how to make a dress just like that?”

"Well, that’s nothing. She just levitates all apple trees from the fields with her magic, then drops them down like it was nothing. Twilight, I’ve been bunking apples my entire life, and what she did isn’t the bunking way. I tell you girls, that way she uses her magic, it ain't normal.”

"Magic? Oh, please Applejack. You should’ve been there when she threw a boulder over the woods!”

"Threw boulder?” Twilight asked.

"You heard me, So, we were having a boulder tossing contest, and I told her no magic. But all of a sudden, her tail j-just stretched out and grabbed a boulder, tossed it! Flew passed mine and landed somewhere in the woods.”

"Hold on a minute?" Applejack intervine. "That was her!? So that explains why there's a ten-foot crater in the middle of the cornfield a while ago. You’re telling me, that she threw that far from the river?”

"Yeah, If you don't believe me Applejack, asked the bird that was there.”

"Um speaking of birds . . . When we were walking in the woods, Pizza pie did something to one of the birds there.”

"What did she do Fluttershy?”

"It's uh . . . .”

"What is it sugar cube?”

"The bird stared . . .”

"The bird stared at what? Speak dear.”

"It stared into the- . . ."

"Oh for Pete sake!” Rainbow dash grabs Fluttershy on the shoulders, then shakes her." Just spit it out-”

"IT STARED INTO THE ABYSS!!”

" . . . . The what?”

"Fluttershy pulls in Rainbow dash in her face." Mr. Blue Jay was just saying hello, then Pizza pie stared staring at him and saw it saw something"

"Uh . . .Something?”

"The birds told me, that Mr Blue Jay sees everything around him fades into darkness. All he could see was those Huge red eyes towering over him. Then it got closer and closer, it scared him and fly away!”

" . . . .”

"I don't know how, but the animals around us wouldn't dare to come closer to us the whole day. . . .”

Twilight walks over and pats Fluttershy at the back. "It's ok Fluttershy, we heard enough.”

"So, let's see naw.” Applejack phases back and forth. "She learns fast, Super Strong, Super Powerful, and can read minds? Is there anything else we miss?”

". . . .”

"She also knows something.” Twilight shows the book Pizza pie read from earlier and turns the page showing the elements. "As I showed her this book, she kept staring at the elements of harmony. She said it used to be just three and now there are six more.”

Rainbow dash pulls down the book. ”So, she's a know-at-all too? C'mon-”

"Shush Rainbow.” Said Applejack. “Then what happen Twilight?”

"Then she just starts speaking in a different language. A language that's sort of familiar, but I can't get my hoof around it.”

"Oh, great! After everything that's been happing to Pizza pie, none of us know what the hay is wrong with her?”

"It appears so Rainbow dash.” Rarity replied. "I suppose Pinkie pie doesn't notice her cousin's behavior lately.”

"Yeah. Say, where is she anyway? We haven't seen her all day.”

"I bumped into her after my time with Pizza pie. She said Mr. and Mrs. Cake needed her for a big order at the bakery. So what do you think Twilight? Should we tell Pinkie Pie all of this?”

"I don't know Rarity. We promise her we won't get suspicious of her cousin. But after what happened today, we should.”

After a long and confusing day, the ponies went their separate ways. Still bothered by Pizza pie’s weird actions toward them. As they were leaving, in the bushes, someone was watching the whole time. Spectating each of them as they bonded with Pizza pie. It stood up and exited into the woods. Meanwhile, somewhere in the market alley, a bashing sound is echoing in the walls. The ponies nearby heard the noise but had no clue where it was coming from. Deeper in the alley is Pizza pie, who repeatedly slams her head into the wall, slowly breaking it.

“GET . . . OUT . . . OF . . . MY . . . HEEAAAAADDD!!!!!!”

⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯ ✶✶✶⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯ ✶✶✶ ⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯ ✶✶✶⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯

~ End of chapter 13

Author's Note:

Her new change slowly bothers her new friends, from her attitude to her newly discovered feats. Pizza pie becomes different by the day, and they should do something before it's too late.

Comments

[banishing]

This escalated quickly

[Blankscape]

Me again. Sorry it took so long, but there were other RL stuff I had to take care of. Just want to say first, those last 2 times I commented weren't the full review + feedback; this one is. Anywho, let's get into it.

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I'll be blunt and start with the negatives.

It's plain from the start that English is not your primary language, and that's reasonably fine. A lot of native speakers themselves do not even have a good grasp English, which goes to show how difficult it is to learn. And in fan fiction, people tend to be forgiving so long as the story is good. But while I do commend you for your great efforts in writing a story not in your native tongue, it's still going to drag down on the quality of your writing anyway. And the only way to fix this is to get better with English eventually.

Next is your formatting and punctuations, and needless to say, you've made a lot of peculiar choices for the 1st two arcs. Many weird double spaces, inconsistent tense, overuse of ellipses, missing commas, misspellings, and most strange of all, quoting the prose writing instead of the dialog. These formatting issues are lessened somewhat in the 3rd arc, but the problems remain.

These two issues are fundamental, part of the basics. When combined, the strange formatting and your shaky English become a barrier of entry for readers. In the same way professional movies and tv shows are easy to watch because of good camera work & acting, reading a story should be as smooth and unobstructive as possible, because the audience should focus on the story itself and enjoying, not the writing used to convey it. Again in fan fiction, people tend to be forgiving, but with a story as long as yours, readers might drop it anyway because the act of reading itself feels like a chore. And in all honesty, I had a lot of difficulty trying to get through the 3 arcs. Good consistent formatting and command of English makes the difference in making 50k words feel like a breeze or a crawl.

That said, I'm fairly certain that you know that your story has these issues. And I trust that you will improve in time.

Now onto the positives & the story itself. In a way, it's top-notch, which is a surprise.

In spite of all the cons I mentioned above, the underlying story you have still shines through. You have laid out the arcs very well with a clear beginning, middle and end, very good macro planning. But not just that, you even have great planning and pacing in the micro with individual scenes; like when the cousins enter the Custer's shop, hide from their parents, and then sneak back home; Pizza Pie unexpectedly enjoying herself in her run back home; her breakdown during the party and talk with Luna, and many other examples. These scenes come off naturally and don't feel forced. Just as much as your planning, you play well with emotions when characters interact with each other, and it's easy to relate to them. Especially the 1st chapter of the 3rd arc was fun to read, with the 'evil' Pizza Pie antagonizing the Mane 6. I can't stress enough in spite of your strange formatting choices and imperfect English making the reading difficult and shaky, it has a lot of charm and heart and drama and action, all in healthy amount & mix. Pizza trying to please her father, then trying to fit in, then making a big mistake that involves darker forces. For some reason, it reminds me of the season 2 finale with Chrysalis and trying to stop the wedding/invasion. The angle and vibes feel similar to that, and remind me a lot of the earlier seasons. I don't think I'm exaggerating when I say; if the issues I pointed out didn't exist, then a lot more people would have noticed this story and read it. It's a bit darker and serious, but also just as playful and exuberant as the show's own writing. People used to say this about certain story when the fandom was still young, but it feels like this story could fit in with the show itself.

A couple criticisms tho.

The prologue chapter in the 1st arc seems too vague, particularly the identity of the alicorn who accompanied Luna. As it is, it feels like it can be mostly left out and the story still works. That said, it seems like you have something far-reaching planned for this, but considering it could very well end in the 3rd arc, I'm thinking all the background stuff you planned with Luna & Discord & the mystery alicorn might be too much. You might need to add a few more things to make the prologue more specific, so people will relate & get invested more easily.

And the 1st arc works so well by itself, it feels stand alone enough that it can just end there. So yeah, I agree with what someone previously said in comments before that it would have been better as one story combined instead of 3, and you can divide it anyway by labeling chapters arc 1, arc 2, and so on. But since you already separated the arcs into individual stories, i guess it's fine.

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In conclusion, you've planned and well thought of a very good story and laid it all out excellently with a good flow & pacing. You were able to achieve great impact and appeal despite the weird formatting choices and your imperfect English, and for that great effort I give it a mustache

But you also need to keep in mind, just because the story is great already, doesn't mean you can excuse the flaws in your basics; namely your formatting/punctuation, & english. Due to those flaws it took me a much longer time to read and it felt like a crawl to get through. I can understand why so many people ignore this story or didn't even leave many deeper thoughts or comments. Because nowadays when people start reading realize you don't have the basics down, they will assume that the rest of the story will have the same issues too, or even worse problems down the line. Improving your English and fixing the formatting & punctuation (especially in the arcs 1 & 2) are going help a lot.

In short, your story is already great, but you need to fix the flaws with the basics in your writing so people can read it more easily.

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That said, I hope you take all the constructive criticism well and improved your writing. I enjoyed your story and look forward to future chapters.