Diary of an Aspiring Evil Overlord

by CopperTop

How I ALMOST Robbed A Bank

Saturday Morning

Ignore that this is all in pink crayon. I’m out of good Evil Overlord colors and it’s probably going to be a long time before I get new crayons. Mom and Dad said I only owe them twelve bits now because of my allowance. So that’s a good thing.

Mom said she has to go and run her ice cream cart today because she needs to make up for not selling ice cream Friday morning because of having to give me an extra bath. Tutti Frutti is playing at a friend’s house and Mom says she doesn’t want me staying in the house without a grownup around because: “I don’t even want to think about what you’d get up to”. I tried to be helpful and told her: “then don’t think about it.” Because grownups don’t have to do things that they don’t want to do. (Dad says this isn’t true. So then what’s the point of being a grown up?!)[I realized today that grownups can just buy cakes whenever they want to. It doesn’t have to be your birthday or anything. So that’s pretty awesome]

She didn’t think that advice was as helpful as I did.

So she said I needed to go and run errands with Dad. That’s okay. Dad usually lets us stop by Sugar Cube Corner and get a cupcake when we do errands. Maybe I can ask Mr. and Mrs. Cake if they know other ways to get a bakery besides building one or buying one, since they have one already. Getting bits is turning out to be pretty hard to do and involves a lot more getting grounded than I thought it would.

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Saturday Afternoon

This is so great! I learned one of the most awesomest things ever! Banks just give you bits!

One of the places I went to with Dad to run errands was to the Ponyville Bank, which I’ve never been to before. Dad said he needed to get some bits to do the other things we needed to do that morning. Like buy more paint. Then I saw him write on a piece of paper how many bits he wanted and give it to the mare behind the counter and tell her his name and she gave him bits! Why does the Apple family even bother selling apples if there’s a place in Ponyville that just gives out bits?(I get it now; we can move on)

I asked the mare if I could have some bits too, but she said I couldn’t because I’m not a grownup and I don’t have something called an “account” there. So I guess it’s like a secret club and you have to be a member in order to get bits. Only it’s not a very good secret, because there were a lot of ponies there and they didn’t make you say a password or give a secret hoof bump to get in or anything. But then I had an awesome idea and asked if Stupid Diamond Tiara’s dad had an account (I didn’t say the “stupid” part out loud because Dad said I shouldn’t call ponies stupid. I still thought it really hard) and the mare said that every grownup had one. Which, again, didn’t seem like a very secret club if all the grownups were members, but whatever.

Dad and I did the other errands and he also got me a cupcake and then we went home. I asked him if I could go play outside and he said yes but reminded me not to go to the apple farm again. I told him I wouldn’t, which was true. Instead I went to the pond because I knew Truffle would be there and I needed a minion for my new plan.

I asked Truffle if he wanted to help me get a lot of bits to buy a bakery and he said sure. I didn’t tell him about the part of the plan where I would use the bakery to give ponies cakes so they’d elect me mayor, because I didn’t want him to steal that idea and become mayor before me. Once I had my minion (I didn’t tell him he was my for real minion yet because I didn’t know if he would be after this plan) I got him to help me get the other things we needed to pretend to be Stupid Diamond Tiara’s dad.

It mostly went okay. The only real problem happened when we tried to get a fake mustache. I still owed bits and Truffle didn’t have many of his own, so we couldn’t buy one. We weren’t sure how to make one at first but when we were trying to come up with ideas we saw this white cat near the dress store that had a super fluffy tail and we both figured we could use that to make the mustache. It took us a while to catch the cat and Truffle got scratched up pretty bad.

I cut some hair off the cat’s tail but then a filly in my class named Sweetie Belle saw us and started yelling at us to stay away from her sister’s cat and basically making a lot of noise. (More like STUPID Belle!)[She’s okay. For a filly] I gave Truffle the hair and told him to run back to the hideout. (We don’t have a for real hideout yet but I figured an Evil Overlord would have one and so I acted like we did. I think he just went home)[We have an Evil Lair now and it’s SO AWESOME!] The filly’s sister who I guess owns the dress shop came out and saw me with the cat and also started yelling at me. (Her name is Rarity)[She also holds grudges for a really long time]

Long story short: Mom got called and I got grounded again. Mom said I can’t go near the dress shop or that cat anymore.

I’m going to start a list of places I’m not allowed to go anymore so I can keep track and not get grounded again because I forgot. (The list is kind of long now, but that won’t matter once I’m an Evil Overlord)

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Sunday

I learned a lot of things today. (I’ve probably learned way more about the world from my Evil Overlord plans than from school, now that I think about it)

The most important thing I learned is that the next time we pretend to be a grownup, I should be the one on top of Truffle, because he’s a lot heavier than I am. (This didn’t make as much of a difference as I thought it would, but at least my back’s not as sore) Other than that, everything was going pretty good at first. At least I thought so. With the big coat and the sunglasses and the fake mustache, Truffle and I looked exactly like a for real grownup! (Maybe try a beard next time?)[Didn’t matter]

I also learned that Stupid Diamond Tiara’s dad’s name isn’t: “Diamond Tiara’s Dad”. (It’s Dirty Rich)[Filthy Rich. I don’t know why he got so mad. “Filthy” sounds way worse than “Dirty”]

I also also learned that the bank ponies want you to write down numbers on those little slips of paper. Even if I had known that at the time, I didn’t remember the number of bits that Mom said bakeries cost. But however much that number was, I figured the bank had more than that many bits and we could just give them back all of the bits that were left over after buying our bakery.

I also also also learned that the mare behind the counter at the bank especially doesn’t like ponies writing down “give me all the bits” on those little pieces of paper. That made her really mad for some reason. I think it was because her job is to make sure that everypony in town can get bits and that if I took all of them then the other grownups couldn’t have any. I didn’t get to tell her about the part where I would bring back the leftover bits before Officer Barns showed up and told me to go with him.

Mom was not happy. (Truffle said his mom wasn’t happy too) She promised Officer Barns and the bank ponies that it wouldn’t happen again and then she told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the bank on my own. Or with Truffle.

On the way home I heard Mom ask me what she was going to do with me. I thought I was being given a chance to do something fun with her and to not be grounded and suggested we play Candyland. I think I picked the really wrong game because Mom didn’t seem to like that answer and said I was grounded again. (I recently learned what a “rhetorical question” is and understand where I went wrong here. Probably still would have gotten grounded no matter what I said though)

I’m probably going to hold off on trying to get the bits for a bakery for a while and work on things an Evil Overlord needs to be a good Evil Overlord. Once I’m done writing this I’m going to draw up my plans for setting up an Evil Lair. Every good (Bad)[Good]{Whichever. You get the idea} Evil Overlord needs a lair where they can work on their Evil Overlord plots. (Truffle and I don’t get to hang out there as often as I thought we would, what with my being grounded a lot and all. It’s still a pretty awesome Evil Lair though)

At least while I’m at my Evil Lair I won’t have to walk past stupid Tutti’s stupid grounded sign.

Author's Note:

Thank you so much for reading! As always, a thumbs up and comment are always greatly appreciated

I've set up a Cover Art Fund if you're interested and have any bits lying around!

Comments

[bahatumay]

“Candyland?”
Adorable, even if evil.

[LoserkidUwU]

Dark Chocolate is such a cute mc, he's the greatest. I can just imagine a smol Lil guy doing all these crazy shenanigans :D

[CopperTop]

11758838
He is a smol precious bean with big (if misguided) dreams and I love him, yes

Pray for the sanity of his mother

[Mystic Sunrise]

I swear that you only need to add a stuffed tiger, and you complete the Calvin and Hobbes comparison. Or maybe it's just me who sees it.

[CopperTop]

11759075
Shoot, giving Milk/Dark a stuffed/toy "minion" was probably a missed opportunity now that I think about it, lol! That could have made for some cute: "I told Mr Pickles to act as a lookout and warn me when Mom was coming, but he must have fallen asleep; because he didn't say anything when Mom showed up and found me taking the cookies" moments.

Admittedly, I'm not thinking of Calvin and Hobbes so much when I'm writing this (though I can see his parent's getting just as exasperated XD). In my mind, Milk/Dark's channeling a slightly more naïve version of South Park's Professor Chaos.

[Mystic Sunrise]

11760433
Every good villain needs an animal minion. MLP seemed to not get that message though. And maybe I'm just reading too many of those comics that I kind of see things that aren't there.