It was supposed to be a simple mission. Grab the time capsules from Cloud Four and go home. This was not part of the original plan. The pega-siblings, found themselves in a strange world, it seemed to be inhabited by... Well, Let's just say they look like dragons, but their scales had been replaced flesh, and their faces seem to have been squashed in... and one of them had the nerve to smash the window of their ship! Now, It was up to them to find the scattered time capsules...
Before they land in the wrong hands...
O-or hooves... But anyway, We got time capsules to find!
[A Hat In Time crossover]
Chapters (2)
If this is the first thing you've written online, and you used solely your brother's xbox to do it then I have to say: excellent work!
I'm sure if you continue to write consistently, they'll be a point where you come back to this and cringe? But for now I'd really recommend two things. Actually the first one is not a recommendation.
It is an imperative.
There's this thing you can do to easily create a horizontal line that works on all devices (as far as I am aware). Type:
[hr], or click on the - symbol in the toolbar. In preview and in actual reading, it shows up as this:Second, I like the fact that the three main characters are established pretty much immediately. I like how close and personal they are all the time, it's kind of charming. Personally I'm usually reserved with my siblings.
That said, the identification of which sibling are which is kind of a mess. Since the reader hasn't spent much time with any of these characters, it's very important that each of the siblings be named and distinct from each other. I'd recommend cutting down on trying to subtly introduce what the characters' traits are, and instead focus more on using their names so the audience gets familiar as quickly as possible. Then you can start sprinkling in lines like, "Strawberry really blended into the red brick wall with her red fur," or "Diamond scratched his blue coat."
Alternatively, you could just info dump in line: "The oldest sibling, Strawberry, had red fur. She stretched her wings and said, "My Ball Pit Plan is excellent, Apple!"
If I were to rewrite the first section of the story, I would probably recommend something like this:
I hope you continue to hone your skills as a writer! Disregarding all the technical problems, I actually kind of enjoyed the characters and the informal kind of narration (not many people will brazenly point out things they're unsure about in the text [but in this case, I <obviously> think it works!]).
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Thank you for commenting!
Whenever I get the chance to continue this story, I will try to keep these recommendations in mind.
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Yeah! have fun!