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Prologue: A Hoof In Time!1,220 words
Act 1: Welcome To Mafia Town!1,928 words

Prologue: A Hoof In Time!

Inside of a ship, floating through space, were three pegasi. They had been sent out on a mission to retrieve a couple of time capsules from a distant planet, and all they had to do now, was return them to Cloud Nine. The trio were sleeping peacefully when suddenly;

"Good morning, Sleepy flyers!"

The clock above their beds let out a loud, static filled cry, startling the pegasi out of their beds. The blue pegasus was the first to recover and reassured his siblings, "Ugh... It's alright guys, It was just the stupid clock..."

"Oh," replied the older pegasus as she put down her arms, and stretched her wings, "We really need to turn that thing down or move it somewhere else... Like above the ball pit!"

A small 'No...!' could be heard from the bed next to younger pegasus.

"Alright fine! Somewhere other than above the ball pit.", The red mare crossed her arms and glared slightly at the green pegasus.

The young stallion groan slightly as he crawled out of bed, "It's not that! It's just that, I was having the best dream ever!"
He pouted as his siblings stared on in disbelief.

The older stallion shook his head as he chuckled, "What are we going to do with you Apple?"

Apple Pie was about to give a rebuttal when he was interrupted by that clock again;

"You are now five light years away from your home destination."

The trio stared at the clock, then at each other. Apple Pie was the first to speak up, "I'm... gonna go check on the time capsules." He then trotted out of the room at a steady pace, leaving his two older siblings to decide what to do for now.
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Apple Pie walked down the purple-colored hallway, yawning slightly as his wing absent-mindedly dragged along the wall, He stared out the window, rubbing the last signs of sleep out of his eyes, in awe at the infinite galaxy that spread out in all directions before him. Of course, they had already been out there for five years! But... Can you blame a guy for being amazed by the wonders of the universe?

These thoughts would have gone on a bit longer, if he didn't suddenly stumble out of the space themed hall into the main area. He rubbed his head and gave the Vroomba that slowly drifted by a quick 'hello' tap. He chuckled as it did its little twirl in response to his touch. He loved being able to rub it in his older siblings faces, about having a closer bond with the vroomba than they did. Obviously, they would always shoot back that they wouldn't care if they were friends with a robot or not, But he knew they were just jealous.

Before he went to check on the capsules, He noticed that the flappy pegasus game was still on.'Of course...', He thought as he trotted over rolling his eyes, 'Those two feather brains left the game on... again!". Just as he reached down to switch it off, something out of the corner of his eye caught his attention. It looked like something was floating toward the ship. He shrugged it off as a stray asteroid and proceeded to switch off the game. He then walked up the ramp towards the screen, and tapped it, which triggered it to turn on. The screen played a series of beeps before it finally showed their progress. The screen showed two clouds with the numbers four and nine on them, with the picture of their cutie marks inching closer to Cloud Nine.

He stood back, happy that they would be home soon, but his happiness didn't last long. The sound of somepony or something tapping on glass cut through the air. He nervously turned to look at the huge windows and at first... nothing seems out of the ordinary. As the tapping continues, his eyes slowly drifted down to the small window that served as an entrance/exit. He let out a quiet yelp, as he duck down behind the golden railing. He took a deep breath and nervously peeked through the bars, he trembled as his fears were confirmed. At the window, was a strange creature, it had a strange glare on its face... like it was angry at nothing. After he recovered from his initial shock, he flew down towards the window as he called out to his siblings.

"Strawberry? Diamond! There's something outside!", After he called his siblings, he flew down towards the windoor, and to add to his shock, before he was able to even touch the plush floor his siblings had already rushed up to the small door and were now waiting for his arrival.

The trio stared at the creature as it stared back. After a few moments of awkward silence, Diamond was the first to speak up, "Uh... Why is it staring at us like that." The creature had ceased its knocking and continued to glare at the three. The three peagsi then started to jerk their bodies in various directions as the creature watched on.

"I don't know.. But, It looks creepy...", Strawberry shuddered slightly, as she stared into the bright white eyes of the dimly lit creature.

Apple Pie nervously asked, "Sh-should we... y'know open the door and let em' in?" He motioned to the strange, shadowed being. His fellow pegasi gave each other skeptical glances, before giving him a nod, but before Apple could reach the handle, the creature spoke up, shocking the siblings.

"What is this? Flying boat?", The creature asked motioning up at the structure with a stern male voice, " All boats have to pay fee in Mafia Town, Even flying boats in space!", He said with authority. The last part didn't sound as intimidating though, "Mafia come in to collect."

"Wait...", Diamond had asked, "It talks?!"

Strawberry corrected him, "I-I think it's a he..."

The trio stared on in horror as the creature grabbed the handle and proceeded to open the door. As he opened the door, the trio recovered from their shock just in time to jump up and grab the door handle and slam it back in place.
Proud of their accomplishment they all started to high-hoof each other, Unaware that the creature had slowly backed up menacingly, before he suddenly outstretched his limb and dashed straight through the door.

Strawberry was able to shield them the incoming glass, and they stared at the creature with looks ranging from annoyed to terrified. The creature hovered in the air for a couple seconds before it began to flail around. Diamond was about to question it's strange actions before it had been sucked away by a strong breeze that suddenly filled the main room of the ship. The siblings immediately tried grabbing anything within reach, but they had already been sucked out by the time the were able to grab anything. As they were floating around Apple noticed the vault had opened during all the chaos. The time capsules were now plummeting towards different planets in all directions.

Diamond hadn't noticed until one of them narrowly missed his head, before crying out, "Oh come on!", before crossing his forelegs.

The trio of siblings shared angry glances with each other as they continued to plummet down to Mafia Town.

Author's Note:

I'm going to be explaining one or two things about how this will work, because originally
the major characters were gonna be replaced with canon characters, but- I'm actually not sure what happened.

Character Descriptions

Strawberry is a red pegasus with turquoise eye, freckles, and has a darker mane, and her hat would be a striped, turquoise beanie.

Diamond is a blue pegasus with yellow eyes, and a darker mane, and his hat would be a yellow baseball cap with a darker tongue(?)

Apple is a green pegasus with orange eyes, and a darker mane, and his hat would be plain orange visor.

They also have necklaces corresponding to their cutie marks. A strawberry, diamond and an apple pie

The weapons might be different, but if not, then they will definitely have different designs.

Frequency

This story may or may not be updated often, because the only access I have is my brother's xbox,(Stupid, I know), but hopefully, the next chapter will be added soon.

But yeah, I think that sums up just about everything, so sit back, relax, and enjoy.

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Merallakos

Merallakos #1 · January 27th · · ·

If this is the first thing you've written online, and you used solely your brother's xbox to do it then I have to say: excellent work!

I'm sure if you continue to write consistently, they'll be a point where you come back to this and cringe? But for now I'd really recommend two things. Actually the first one is not a recommendation.

It is an imperative.

There's this thing you can do to easily create a horizontal line that works on all devices (as far as I am aware). Type: [hr], or click on the - symbol in the toolbar. In preview and in actual reading, it shows up as this:

Second, I like the fact that the three main characters are established pretty much immediately. I like how close and personal they are all the time, it's kind of charming. Personally I'm usually reserved with my siblings.

That said, the identification of which sibling are which is kind of a mess. Since the reader hasn't spent much time with any of these characters, it's very important that each of the siblings be named and distinct from each other. I'd recommend cutting down on trying to subtly introduce what the characters' traits are, and instead focus more on using their names so the audience gets familiar as quickly as possible. Then you can start sprinkling in lines like, "Strawberry really blended into the red brick wall with her red fur," or "Diamond scratched his blue coat."

Alternatively, you could just info dump in line: "The oldest sibling, Strawberry, had red fur. She stretched her wings and said, "My Ball Pit Plan is excellent, Apple!"

If I were to rewrite the first section of the story, I would probably recommend something like this:

Inside of a ship, floating through space, were three pegasi siblings. They had been sent out on a mission to retrieve a couple of time capsules from a distant planet. Now that they had finished, all they had to do was return them to Cloud Nine.
The trio was sleeping peacefully when suddenly the clock above their beds let out a loud, static filled cry, "Good morning, Sleepy flyers!"
Two of the pegasi were startled out of the bed.
Diamond, who was the middle sibling, said, "Ugh... It's alright guys, It was just the stupid clock..."
"Oh," Strawberry put down her arms forelegs, and stretched her wings. "We really need to turn that thing down, or move it somewhere else... Like above the ball pit!"
A small "No...!" came from Apple, the youngest pegasus who was now the sole occupant of the bed.
Strawberry crossed her ~~arms~~ forelegs and glared slightly at Apple. "Alright fine! Somewhere other than above the ball pit."
The young pegasus groaned slightly as he crawled out of bed, "It's not that! It's just that, I was having the best dream ever!" He pouted as his siblings stared on in disbelief.

I hope you continue to hone your skills as a writer! Disregarding all the technical problems, I actually kind of enjoyed the characters and the informal kind of narration (not many people will brazenly point out things they're unsure about in the text [but in this case, I <obviously> think it works!]).

Chocolate Swirls