"Just because tomorrows art will be better doesn't mean todays art has anything wrong with it." (Mister Technodad, Happy Birthday My Son)
When a crook is wounded on the job he barely misses time in the slammer but luckily he gets a second chance to do what's right. Onyx Fang got his new identity from Shining Armor not a single pony knows who he was before not even Shining Armor. As he finally begins to look past his old life he's recognized and it all comes out and to make it worse he has to arrest his own son.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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I want to hear your thoughts. If you see anything that needs work let me know. I want the story to be readable to everyone.
Missing any character tags. Probably just need the OC tag, if the description is a good indication.
11650452
Didn't apply any yet as I wasn't sure if Shining Armor was going to show up anymore. I also didn't know what the OC tag meant but I'll apply that now, thanks.
11651214
OC just means Original Character. And if you decide later that Shining will play a continued role in the story, then add him later.
There are very very few stories that don't warrant any character tags at all.
For those wondering how I get through my day I start the day with juice from concentrate. I had more jokes but I forgot them.
11650276
I lost track of was going on (or, if I am to be more honest, I did not understand a thing at all) because there was nothing but talk, talk, talk, talk, and no actions, no descriptions, no nothing.
Show, don't tell.
11664064
I meant to reply to this earlier. After most quotes (talking) I put the main character's (in this case Onyx Fang) thoughts after it usually adding descriptive notes. Are you saying I should have more of these with more descriptive words/phrases?
[an example]
“You can call me Fang or Onyx for short, it doesn't bother me.” he said alright and then I went on to follow Ash’s instructions which were to take a left out of the room and go down the hall until I see a room with either an Orange or Black pony in it. Vague but did the job as I found the room.
11669152
Oh-kay. Oh-kay. Alright.
First, read how other writers write, and try to do the same.
Second, after you done writing, re-read it and think of it as a movie. Scenes don't happen in vacuum, and if there is no description of the scenery, characters and actions, it's a black screen.
Let's take a look at this here first scene.
So we have a very blurry description of a location, and... That's it. No characters, no actions, other than that one in the end, just the blurry background and two disembodied voices.
11669569
I see, thank you for the input I will remember this as I go and rewrite some stories. Thanks as lot.
You will notice some changes in the tags and rating. I removed the Adventure tag as it didn't fit and added the Dark tag. I also upped the rating of the story from Everyone to Teen due to the final moments of the story between Shield and Onyx.