A New Beginning
Shade walked in the doors of the old building. It was once a bustling grocery store but has since been abandoned and was falling apart. Every step was accompanied with the crunch of the fallen ceiling tiles.
“I took a look around the area. The only way to the safe is through the front door.”
“So guns blazing is what you’re saying?” I asked him.
“Yes but not to kill anyone just to make the place spread out.”
“sounds good to me.”
“We’ll strike early so that hopefully not many civilians are there and the morning staff will be tired so we’ll have an advantage since we have to be up earlier.”
“Alright what about the cops?”
“Be gone before they get there.”
“The alarm? What about getting in the safe?”
“Are you ok? You’re much more concerned than usual, it's not the first time we’ve done this.”
“Somethings wrong this time, I just don’t feel right. Like we shouldn’t be doing this.”
“Are you planning on flaking on me?” he put a hoof on the 9MM on the table.
“No. I just feel bad.”
“Well, you better shake that feeling here soon.” He walked away and I followed not too long after. I couldn’t help but linger on how he was ready to shoot me. I mean we’ve been friends since birth pretty much. I had a decision to make. I could either pull through with tomorrow or sabotage it. I needed some time to think it over so I used dinner for that. My wife was the best cook I’ve ever known. She loves doing it just as much as my son loves doing nothing. When dinner was done I told my wife I was going out for a walk.
“Honey it’s late, it's dangerous out there by this time.”
“It’s ok, I won't be gone for long.”
“Honey…”
“I promise.” I walked out and headed toward the police station. I planned to tell them what was going to happen in hopes that it would be stopped before he could get away. This was a small town so the police station consisted of the sheriff, the deputy, and the trainee.
“How can I help you?”
“The bank is going to be robbed early tomorrow morning.”
“Uh huh… and where did you hear this?”
“The abandoned grocery store at the intersection of Orange and Grove.”
“And why were you at the abandoned building?”
“Well… I'm supposed to be robbing it tomorrow with another pony.”
“Well, you’ve gotten yourself into a predicament because if this is a lie you’ll be arrested and if this is true you’ll be arrested.”
“I’m surprised you haven’t arrested me now.”
“Well being Sheriff I can have a say in what happens to you as long as you aren’t lying.”
“Well then I guess I better get ready for tomorrow. I have to give you guys time to get there.”
“The more time you make for us the better.” I left and booked it back home. When I entered the door the lights were out and my wife was in bed. As I laid down in the bed I noted how soft it was. I hoped that the ones in prison were just as soft.
“I’m ready when you are.” I said to Shade. He ran in immediately firing his gun into the ceiling of the bank.
“Everyone spread out! You! Open the safe!” He pointed his gun at one of the ponies behind the counter and she went to open the safe.
“You stay out here and watch. Let me know if you see any cops.” He told me before running off to the safe. In only five minutes he was out with the money.
“Ready?” I asked him.
“You aren’t as smart as you think.”
“What?”
“I watched you go to the cops last night.”
“You’ve got the wrong guy. I-”
“It’s too late for that Comet. I thought we were in it together. I guess I was wrong.” He pointed his gun at me and that’s all I remember.
“For someone who was in a coma for three and a half years you know everything up to the incident in great detail. I’ll give you time to rest coma’s aren’t great for building energy.”
“Wait. What happened to him?”
“He’s in jail.”
“How long before i’m there?”
“The Sheriff after looking over everything said that 3 years in a coma and away from your family was enough but he did say you aren’t allowed to stay in town.”
“So I’m not going to jail but I have to leave town?”
“Correct.”
“What about my family?”
“Well… your son is kind of out cast no one if forsure if he is linked to any of it but they think he’s part of the drug craze going around.”
“There’s a drug craze?”
“Yeah a big mess.”
“What about my wife?”
“Well, she filed for divorce. Last thing I heard was that she’s up in Ponyville.”
“She just left? Our son and everything?”
“Well your son walked out when he found out about you.”
“Well I sure screwed everything up.”
“Yep. get some sleep. If anyone comes, what do you want me to tell them?”
“Well give me at least an hour of sleep.”
“Alright.” A good few hours went by before the Sheriff came in.
“Hey kid.”
“Oh! I wasn’t expecting to see you.”
“What did the doctor tell you so far?”
“Only that I have to leave town.”
“Yeah, that was the only way I could keep the town from storming this place and killing you.”
“You should’ve let them to be honest. I deserve it.”
“My duty is to protect and serve even if you did wrong, I have to protect you.”
“So… how long do I have to get out?”
“I’m giving you 1 week after Doc releases you.”
“Thanks I guess.”
“This might be far-fetched but are you interested in being a police officer?”
“Not really. Why?”
“I have a friend in the Crystal Empire although now that I think about it he’s not a cop he’s a guard.”
“What’s his name?”
“Orange Tides. He’s a gate guard. If you go to Canterlot look for Red Buster, he's a gate guard as well.”
“Thanks.”
“No problem.”
“Has Shade said anything about me?”
“Nothing much he did say he regretted wasting his bullets on you.”
“Honestly that sounds like him.”
“Speaking of bullets he shot you quite a few times.”
“Yeah, I don't remember that part.”
“Best you don’t you were awake when I found you but you weren’t actually there.”
“Yeah.”
“Alright well i’ve got work to do I’ll leave you to it.”
“Thanks I guess.” 2 weeks passed and I made my way up to the Crystal Empire. I was a bit worried since I wasn’t a Crystal pony but that went away when I saw a regular orange earth pony as the gate guard.
“Hello sir.” He said.
“I’m looking for Orange Tides.”
“That would be me although I don’t know you.”
“The Sheriff in-”
“Oh the Sheriff sent you my way ok.”
“Is that a bad thing?”
“No. Anytime someone needs help more than he can offer he sends them my way. Head on inside and ask for Shining Armor and tell them I sent you.”
“Ok thanks.” I walked inside. There were more non-crystal ponies than I expected. I stopped the first pony I saw and asked for Shining Armor.
“I’m him, what can I do for you?”
“I was sent to Orange tides and he sent me to you.”
“Ok come with me.” I had no idea what was happening but I was just going along with it. We entered a relatively large room one desk sat in the middle of the room and he went to sit behind it.
“Alright, where are you coming from?”
“A small town outside of Ponyville. Can I ask what is happening?”
“I already received a letter about your arrival 3 years back I’m simply giving you a new identity.”
“Why would I need that?”
“Well you’re a rare exception you killed a few ponies but you’re bravery and willingness to put your life at risk for the greater good lightened your sentence to simply 3 years in a coma.”
“Wait the coma was purposeful?”
“No, he used the fact that you were in a coma as your punishment and the punishment ended when you woke up.”
“Oh.”
“What do you want your name to be?”
“Umm… can I think about it for a little?”
“Sure.” We went through the other steps of this process then he asked me once again what I wanted my name to be.
“Onyx Fang.”
“Hmm… I like that.”
“Thanks I guess.”
“So what are you planning to do now?”
“I don’t know.”
“Well going off of what you did, why don’t you be a police officer?”
“No.”
“Detective?”
“Definitely not.”
“Crime scene investigator?”
“Absolutely not.”
“Well then I can't help you. Those are the only things I can give help with.”
“How hard is it to do what that guy at the gate is doing?”
“Pretty hard you’d have to beat him and there’s no skill involved so it’s pretty hard to beat him.”
“Oh.”
“But if you’re into the idea of being a guard in general I can help with that. I didn’t offer it because I didn't think you would want to continuously be risking your life.”
“I mean it’s not like it matters too much.”
“I have no idea where you ponies come from.” he ripped the paper off the pad and passed it to me.
“Just down the hall there is a door labeled ‘The Captains’ take this and this in there and hand it to them.” he ripped off another sheet from a different pad and passed that to me as well. I did as he said, giving the papers to the guys in the room.
“Pretty qualified.” one said
“Young.” another said. The third pony said nothing, just pointed to a part on the paper and showed it to them.
“Clearly a risk taker.” they passed the papers back to me.
“Well it’s clear we all would like you in our groups so it’s up to you to pick.”
“You guys were playing a game right?”
“Yep.”
“Well, whoever wins I'll be with them.”
“And he was a gambler.” One of them said.
“So what’s your guy's name?”
“I’m Blue but you can call me Blizz. Everyone else does because there are two Blues here. She is Blizzard and he is Ash, Ash is the cool one.” Ash was a light gray pony. Blizz was a pale blue pony and Blizzard was a white pony. They played their game and after 15 minutes Ash won.
“Of course Ash wins.” Blizz said. Ash stuck out a hoof so I shook it.
“In case your wondering Ash can’t talk.” Blizzard said.
“That has to make things difficult.” I replied.
“It would be but he’s able to basically talk into your head it’s weird we don’t understand how but it works.”
“I’m sorry what?”
“Exactly. That's what makes ash cool.”
“Mmm hmm.”
“There’s only one guy that doesn’t like it. So I'm sure you’ll be fine.”
“How did a civilian get this far?” I turned around to be met with a large menacing jet black pony.
“He’s not a civilian he’s a new guard.”
“Oh, sorry, nice to meet you I’m Shadow Colt.”
“Hi… I’d get going but I don't know where I'm going.” I was not at all prepared for a voice to exist in my head. I could hear it but not through my ears.
“Let me guess Ash just talked to you?” Shadow asked.
“Yeah, yep.”
“You’ll get used to it.”
“Who has an issue with it?” The three guys at the table all pointed toward Shadow.
“Yeah it hurts my head, I don't know why. What’s your name kid?”
“Onyx Fang.”
“Nice to meet you, you can call me Shadow for short.”
“You can call me Fang or Onyx for short, it doesn't bother me.” he said alright and then I went on to follow Ash’s instructions which were to take a left out of the room and go down the hall until I see a room with either an Orange or Black pony in it. Vague but did the job as I found the room.
“Is this Ash’s group?” I asked the Orange pony.
“Yep I’m Flicker.”
“Nice to meet you, I'm Onyx Fang but you can call me Fang or Onyx for short.”
“Nice to meet you.”
“Who else is in this group?”
“Shard should be back in a few minutes and that’s it for the moment.”
“Oh ok. Does it matter where I bunk?” I asked him.
“The one across from me is taken by Shard, otherwise no.”
“Ok honestly I’ll take the one above you.”
“You don’t wet the bed do you?” I laughed.
“Nope.”
“You're good then.” He laughed. While I set up my bunk which consisted of the papers Shining Armor gave me and the pillow and blanket already on the bed a new pony came in.
“Who’s the new guy?”
“He’s Onyx Fang.” Flicker said
“You can call me Onyx or Fang for short.” I said.
“Nice to meet you Onyx I’m Shard. What brought you here?” Shard asked.
“Be prepared to get berated with questions, Fang.” Flicker said.
“I needed a new start.” I said
“If you came here for a new start you’re a different breed of stupid.” Flicker said.
“Why is that?” I asked him.
“Just wait, you'll see.” With that time flew during the few months until now. I began to notice what he meant but it was kind of hard to believe. Training was actually easy I guess because I had been doing similar stuff for most of my life. In the few months of training we had gained another 8 ponies and made it to be one of the most disciplined and powerful groups in the crystal guard. I had come to notice that Shard did a lot of the things Ash should have done but it’s because Ash had no voice. Shard woke us up one morning we were being sent out on our first mission as a group. We were going not too far from the place I once called home.
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I want to hear your thoughts. If you see anything that needs work let me know. I want the story to be readable to everyone.
Missing any character tags. Probably just need the OC tag, if the description is a good indication.
11650452
Didn't apply any yet as I wasn't sure if Shining Armor was going to show up anymore. I also didn't know what the OC tag meant but I'll apply that now, thanks.
11651214
OC just means Original Character. And if you decide later that Shining will play a continued role in the story, then add him later.
There are very very few stories that don't warrant any character tags at all.
11650276
I lost track of was going on (or, if I am to be more honest, I did not understand a thing at all) because there was nothing but talk, talk, talk, talk, and no actions, no descriptions, no nothing.
Show, don't tell.
11664064
I meant to reply to this earlier. After most quotes (talking) I put the main character's (in this case Onyx Fang) thoughts after it usually adding descriptive notes. Are you saying I should have more of these with more descriptive words/phrases?
[an example]
“You can call me Fang or Onyx for short, it doesn't bother me.” he said alright and then I went on to follow Ash’s instructions which were to take a left out of the room and go down the hall until I see a room with either an Orange or Black pony in it. Vague but did the job as I found the room.