A Chicken That Don't Lay Eggs.
It was a typical Saturday night at Berry's Place. Ponies of all backgrounds had come to unwind after another stress-filled week of work, family, and watching Twilight Sparkle and her friends avert the latest Armageddon. Stories would long be told of “The Great Were-Pony Attack” (and the t-shirt sales were pretty solid), but, on this particular night, everypony just needed a break.
Two such ponies were seated at the corner table, laughing loud enough to cause, what at any other time and place, could be considered a disturbance. One, an orange-coated earth pony with a blond, Stetson-adorned mane, the other, a pegasi, was cyan with hair best described as “prismatic”. The pair had been putting away drinks at a considerable pace (likely as part of a competition, knowing them), and were well on their way to a lovely hangover in the morning.
The conversation inevitably drifted, as it always does for folks of a certain age, to relationships. Well, to be blunt, sex. As the orange mare continued to list an impressive array of carnal accomplishments, however, the blue pegasi grew strangely quiet.
“Something wrong, sugar cube?” Applejack inquired, noticing her companion being unusually subdued.
Rainbow Dash sighed, heavily. “Can I be honest with you, A.J.?”
Applejack just stared.
“Right, stupid question.” The blue mare turned to her friend, the booze having drained her usual bravado. “Promise me this doesn't leave this table.”
“Ah promise.”
“I've never actually so much as touched a cock before.” she admitted, hanging her head in shame.
Applejack was at a loss for words. Her inebriated mind quickly processed Rainbow Dash's statement to come to the only logical conclusion. The poor girl must be really hard up if she's using farming to change the subject! The farm-pony couldn't help but smirk slightly. Might as well humor her for a bit.
“Well.” the country mare began, “There's always a cock or two around Sweet Apple Acres, if ya really wan' a closer look at one.”
“Wait, really?!”
“Sure as sugar! Heck, Ah'd say we got the biggest cock in town at the farm!” Applejack proclaimed proudly.
Rainbow was keenly interested now, leaning towards her friend. “Whose is it?”
“Why, mah brothers', o' course!” she stated matter-of-factly. “Ah reckon Mac's got about the biggest cock you ever did see! He's been growin' it since he was a colt, ya know.”
Rainbow couldn't help but giggle. “Makes sense to me! Wait... you've seen it? Up close?”
Applejack thought for a moment as Rainbow Dash took a drink from her mug. “Of course! Ah've been watching mah brothers' cock grow for as long as ah can remember!”
Rainbow immediately began coughing and sputtering, eyes wide with shock. “Wha- HCK WHAT?”
“Sure! Used to measure it an' everything! It's kinda tradition, ya know?”
Rainbow couldn't help but start... visualizing. Her lips turned up into a slight smile and her wings gave an involuntary twitch. “So you and your brother have been doing this since you were kids?!”
“Right!” Applejack smiled as her friend finally caught on. Not like her to be so interested in the farm, but it seems to be cheering her up! “An' sometimes, when it didn't seem to be growin' fast enough, Ah'd give it a little treat. Y'know, encouragement. Mac even let me take care of it for him if he was too busy, once Ah was old enough.”
“Wow...” Rainbow shook her head, trying to force the images out until she could... process... them later.
“'Course, it hasn't all been fun and games. A while ago, Mac's cock stopped gettin' up in the mornin'.”
“You're kidding!” Big Mac had that problem?
“Poor guy wuz real ashamed, too. It's a pride thing, y'know. Lucky fer him Zecora whipped up a brew that took care of the problem, lickitey-split! Now his cock gets up every single mornin', rain or shine! Then Ah get my wake-up call.”
“This doesn't seem strange to either of you?!”
It was Applejack's turn to be surprised. “What's so strange about a sister takin' care a' her big brothers' cock when he's too busy? Seems the decent thing ta do, if ya ask me. Er... Rainbow? You still with me?”
Dash was staring at Applejack with a glassy, vacant expression. The red in her cheeks, however, and the noticeable unfurling of her wings told a different story.
Applejack grinned. She must've seen a nice set of flanks pass by while I was busy gabbing. “Anyways, Dash, point is, you're always welcome to come have a look at Big Mac's cock. Ah'm sure he wouldn't mind. Maybe you an' Ah could take care of it together one of these days.”
“Uh...” Rainbow licked her lips as she slowly regained her senses. Admittedly, she may have imagined a scenario matching that description before, late in the night, once or twice. Five times at most. Now here was Applejack all but proposing the idea to her. Are my wings EVER going to go down?
“S-sounds good, A.J..” She prepared to take another swig, hoping to shelve that particular line of thought for the moment. “So, you'd consider yourself quite the authority on cocks, would ya?”
Applejack looked slightly crestfallen. “Tah be honest, Dash, Ah learned a lot more about 'em after Twilight moved to town.”
This time, Dash emptied the contents of her mouth in a comically over the top manner, spritzing the majority of the table. She sheepishly looked over at the bartender, and shrank slightly under Berry Punch's practiced glare. “Heh heh. Sorry about that.” Rainbow caught the rag thrown to her by the sud-slinging mare and began to wipe the table as Applejack fought to compose herself.
“So, what did Twilight teach you about cocks? I'm surprised she would know anything about that kinda thing!”
Applejack chuckled as her companion swabbed the tabletop. “Should be obvious. She lent be a big ol' book all about 'em! Real fascinatin' stuff. Good book for when ya got some time to yerself.”
“You don't say.”
“Eeyup! Liked to take the book to bed with me when Ah was feelin' restless.”
“I bet it's got lots of pictures, too!” Dash added with a snort.
The orange pony put on an annoyed face. “Ah can read, ya know! Dunno where everypony gets the idea that ah can't.”
Rainbow lightly punched her buddy in the shoulder. “I know, I know. It's numbers that make you pull your mane out.”
Applejack grinned. “Can't argue with ya there, sugarcube. 'Specially when Ah'm talkin' to the second worst student in Equestria!”
“Yeah. Thank Celestia for athletic scholorships!” She cried, raising a foreleg.
Completing the high-hoof, Applejack continued, “So yeah, if yer still curious about cocks, I could ask Twilight ta dig out that book for ya.”
“Thanks.” Dash readied her mug once again. She was growing more enthusiastic by the minute. Between Twilight's book and a trip to visit Big Mac, it seemed like her cock problem would soon be a thing of the past.
“And, you could always ask Fluttershy about her cock.”
-*-
Rainbow Dash was frozen. She heard her mug hit the floor of the bar, but is seemed a million miles away. Her pupils had shrunk to pin-prick size and her mouth hung agape. One thought continuously cycled through her mind: Fluttershy? Has a cock? FLUTTERSHY? No, it can't be. That's silly. I'm her oldest friend. I'd know if she had a cock. Fluttershy...
“DASH! Snap out of it!” Applejack was frantically waving a hoof in front of her friends face. “An' put yer wings away!”
“Fluttershy... has a cock...”
Applejack wasn't sure what to make of her friends rambling. Of course Fluttershy has one! What good's a hen house without a cock nearby? “Ah think you've had enough for tonight, Dashie.”
“Yeah...,” Dash finally said, snapping out of her stupor. “If Fluttershy has a cock, how come I've never seen it?!”
“She keeps it tucked away.” Applejack stated simply. “Parading it around might upset some o' her critters.”
Rainbow Dash was staring into Applejack's eyes intensely “And you've actually seen it?”
“'Seen it'? Hay, She's asked me to take care of it like Mac's a couple a' times! Not as well behaved as his, though, messy little pecker. Fluttershy's cock can be even more of a hoof-ful than her bunny if ya kno- Dash? Dash, whatcha doin' down there? Geez, no more for you tonight, ya lightweight! Yer drooling all over tha floor! C'mon, up ya go, that's it... Ya got a wing cramp, or somethin'?”
-END-
Thus ends my first ever fanfic style thing. Just a silly idea that got stuck in my head. Three hours of typing and this happened. Constructive criticism is appreciated.
Con Mane will return in “Live And Let Shy”
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Yeah, Rainbow's gonna be disappointed.
epic misunderstanding is epic
AHAHAHAHAHAHA GREATNESS
Fluttershy LOVES cocks!
This is why I always say dick
Ehhh. LOL.
yeah.
sooooooooooooooooo.
akward...
It took me a while to realise it meant chicken....
but other than that, it's pretty darn funny!
Not going to lie, from the title I was expecting another c-word...
But that's just because my C++ professor beat it into our heads that 'copy' [shallow copies] are the worst thing ever.
An odd reason to read your one-off, but hey, who's complaining? It wasn't bad at all.
Wait....OOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
I love...LOVE sexual double entendres such as this story. Though I question the rating. Sexual humor, due to a new rule, has to be rated Mature for sex. I disagree with the ruling, but unless a mod said it was okay as it is now, it probably ought to be Mature for, you know, the c-word.
What about Penal Code?
God! I lol so hard! my gawd, Fluttershy
Thanks for the smile. Great work.
Oh, I thought it was the other c word
I laughed, hard. I myself thought it as going to be,um, CUNT, but I was happy to see it was a little more "tame"
It was like watching a train derail into another train crashing into a third train that caused the first one to derail and then everything exploded in a shower of cocks.
This was your first, really? I thought it was great
Hahahahaha! This was brilliant! You have a talent with words!
Rainbow Dash: Hey Fluttershy, "whispers" I hear you have a cock?
It got hit by a train the other day Dash... Luckily she has at least five more. 
Fluttershy:
Rainbow Dash:
Applejack:
Rainbow Dash:
Applejack: Oh! For Celestia's sake Dash, put those wings down!
Random Fact of the day: The cause of Sonic Rainbooms are not a result of Rainbow Dash's speed,
This has been proven by Science! 
but rather large amounts of swag energy build up.
No, it has not Dash!!!!!
Oh my god the double entendres. This is so awesome
The "messy little pecker" part had me laughing so hard I cried.
Oh my god, best fic ever. It's what Beating the Heat would be as a one-shot.
*APPLAUDS* You, sir, have made my day!
1363119 It's sir, and thanks!
Constructive criticism won't be necessary. This was hilarious and... somehow brilliant.
Now, let's tell the story in emoticons!
1363191 Seems legit.
1363196
I do my best
1362799 What else could it mean?
1362825 I hear ya. I think I fell just short of the line, but if they ask me to change it, I won't argue.
1363080 Comparing me to AJT? You may as well have called me Jesus Christ.
It was so difficult to keep my laughter down. But I managed it!
You see... I'm sharing my room right now and said roommate is asleep.
If I was in Rainbow Dash's position, I would be so disappointed when I learned
that Flutters doesn't have a cock.
Now if you'll excuse me. Emotion laughter!
1363241 But she does! Applejack ain't no liar.
Oh and... crucial fact!
This fan-fic is going to get a lot of fan-made sequels.
In fact! I'm going to make some myself... If that's okay with you.
1363259 Short answer, go ahead.
1363170 Noted, edited and once again THANK YOU for this comedic masterpiece!
So ... funny ... bwahahahaha!!!
I'll definitely need to remember to read this when I need to cheer myself up. Good job.
Oh my Applejack...!
As with others, I thought it was referring to the other "C" word. I was just waiting for a subversion at the end where it's revealed that Dash's line of thinking was actually correct. A shame there aren't that many subversions. Still very funny.
So. Bucking.Hilarious!
1362795 She's raised more than a few...
applejack:fluttershy has a cock
dose a spit take on my computer* I ALMOST FRIED IT
ME:*takes a sip of soda reads that part
1367980 I get what you're saying, but doesn't the fact that you were expecting it show how much it's been done lately?
1390822 Tell your computer I'm sorry. I'd much rather you spit soda on other people.
1393499
That's just it. There aren't any subversions. I keep expecting it to happen because it hasn't happened yet and I think "surely this next one will be the one that subverts it" only for it to be played straight or double subverted.
1393535 I'm sorry to disappoint. I think.
1393674
Oh no, don't be disappointed. It was still a very funny fanfic.
1393723 Thanks! I'm glad people are enjoying it.
HAHAHAHAHAHAH Only Rainbowdash could misinterperate that
This is a work of art! What a comedic masterpiece! Great job!
My ribs.....hurt.
Best fic EVER!!!
1617290>>1505505 Thanks! I can't belive people are still finding this. How did you come across it, if you don't mind my asking?
1619201 I honestly don't remember, but this should be more well known than what it is! This is seriously comedic gold! I love stories like this one, where a character misinterprets something, and inevitably, hilarity and chaos ensue. This is one of the funniest things I have ever read!
1619201
To tell you the truth I'm a huge appledash fan and was just browsing through all the stories that involved those two; romantically or not. When I read the summary I had to know what would happenand was surely anything but dissappointed with the results!!
1620672 Yeah, it probably would've done better, viewer-wise, but I ended up unknowingly submitting it during the server move a few weeks back and it ended up appearind at midnight, my time... I'm glad it's being enjoyed by the folks who do find it!