After Twilight discovers a dusty old book detailing trans-dimensional portals used by denizens of ancient Equestria, she learns that one of these portals is right outside Ponyville. But something went wrong with the spell. Instead of a being from a different dimension, she summoned a pegasus who seems more confused by this than her. When she tries to send him back to where he came from, she gets hauled along for the ride. Turns out the portals match their users to the universe they are entering. How will Twilight handle being human?
Chapters (3)
Hello. I'm The Disturbed Brony. I've got a slightly more detailed description of me in my blog.
As this is my first fan-fic, I have one request:
Be brutally honest
. Throw it all at me. I want to know everything!
I hope you enjoy!
That was........GREAT!!M good job!!
interesting
Please, continue.
"Be brutally honest?" Okay.
You're doing something that a lot of writers, even good ones, do. It's called "telling, not showing." Basically, you're cramming details in rather than letting them be revealed gradually through the story. For instance, you spend two solid paragraphs describing Lee's appearance, mannerisms, and everything he carried with him. There's nothing wrong with talking about all that, but spread it out a little and make it relevant to the plot so it doesn't feel like an info-dump.
Speaking of paragraphs, yours might be a little on the long side. Also, very important, make sure you begin a new one each time a new character speaks.
And that very last line: "Well was interesting alright..." seems to be missing a word or two.
I'll follow this and see where it goes.
Hmm feels like the intro from Girls Bravo. Apart from the things mentioned in the previous post, I didn't see any major issues. I hope you keep writing.
You're already doing better than I am with my first fanfic... maybe I should be jealous...
29.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lltzgnHi5F1qzib3wo1_400.jpg
I have no real things to point out, because its already been said.
I find this a good story, so I'll keep watching this.
1363815 Thank you for pointing that out to me. I've already filled in the missing word at the end and i'll be trying to take your advice when writing future chapters.
1363938 Never heard of it. I'll see if it's on netflix or just try and find an online version of the first episode and get back to you. Other than that, I'm glad you like it!
1364350
Here, it's around the 4 min mark.
Edit: Not only did I get the initial time wrong (30s? not so much), I also forgot to mention the mature content.
1364356 Well that's just great.
Now I gotta watch EVERY episode... you know... to rule out any ideas that I had for this story that would coincide with that show.
And no other reason at all...
1364380
Well, I highly doubt your character is allergic to girls. I just thought you were doing a shout-out to the anime. Don't worry about it. Other than the initial scene, there is very little correlation between your fic and the show.
Edit:
So far so good. You got a like and a watch from me. Just one problem. I'm no grammar Nazi (my grammar such too much for that), but the one thing that does bother me is when people don't start new paragraphs when someone else speaks. It makes it hard to follow the conversation.
this waz awesom,e efiouvfivadeoigyvaulygilgilgiliurjkg
lol sorry. great story favourted
i am chinese so i no now english
1365241 Are you seriously Chinese or are you faking it? If so, stop it. If not, I don't mind. Just don't fake being Chinese. It's not nice.
Also, a little tip; don't make comments like that. This is NOT Facebook!
Just capitalize and make sure to keep the sentences readable. I'm not trying to be mean, it's just the way it has to be.
Another thing, don't use 'lol' too often. That's what I meant when I said that this wasn't Facebook.
Great tip: If your not sure about the spelling of a word, put it into the search bar in the browser. It should give you the correct spelling.
The premise for this is enough for an instant like and favorite. Can't wait for more!
First sentence should have a comma after the end of Twilight's line, then "its" instead of "it's". Changeling is spelt wrongly. I think "wasn't exactly fond" instead of "wasn't entirely fond" would sound better, but that's just a personal choice.
Next paragraph - "as my personal student" sounds more formal, "Element of Magic" needs a comma after it, "but please remember the potential" sounds more like Celly.
Third para - "I had better head back to Ponyville now." I can't imagine Twi saying this... "I ought to get back to the library, it's getting late." maybe?
Fourth para - "from school taking his usual" should have a comma between school and taking, the mp3 sentence doesn't seem necessary at all, just mention his music.
Fifth para - "very kind hearted.. Yes, he did prefer his privacy. Yes, he did prefer to read a good book rather than talk about current events with people he hardly knew. It's those reasons he" Should be either "..." or "." Get rid of the second yes and put a semicolon in its place. "It's for those reasons".
And I'm not even half-way through!
)
(you did say brutally honest
1365466
Please continue
1365497
I messaged you.
I translated "Equus Non Grata " and I got "Horse Not With joy". Is that anything like it was supposed to mean?
1365697 I was under the impression it meant "An unwelcome pony(horse)"
1365740I see. Well, it wasn't.
So, being brutally honest like you asked, your story structure is not very good. It reads more like a manual for something than a novel. It's mostly because of the fact that you are telling rather than showing, as TNaB said. Also, Twilight seems to be acting a little bit out of character, especially with the way she is talking/thinking. I have a hard time imagining her saying a lot of those things. Basically, I can see a lot of room for improvement, however, if you follow the good advice you are getting, you'll become better in no time.
1365841
I did a google translate and it gave me "A horse is not welcome" Worded different than I thought but it has the same effect.
Brutally honest?
Okay... *gasp* 
outta 
. Improve your story line and grammar a little bit more and you earn that last mustache.
You have good promise, but it can be improved. I cant really say anything that hasn't been said already, but just follow the guidelines said before and I think you will improve greatly. And that's saying something, considering I am a famous Grammar Nazi.
Oh, by the way, whats the purpose of Sierra, anyway? I mean, other then sending Lee into Equestria by accident? Is she a one time use character, or does she play a more crucial role on the story?
My rating:
1366203 Sierra will be a key role when Lee and Twili make it to earth.
That should be either equus non gratus (for the masculine) or, more likely, equa non grata (for the feminine).
(That's actually "horse", of course (of course), but it'll do well enough for "pony".)
1366361 Since the true focus is on how twilight will handle being on earth, go for feminine?
Interesting... I just skip by most stories, but this isn't half-bad. You have earned a mustache.
Premise: Meh, but could go interesting places.
Execution: I'll wait to see where this goes
Advice: Get a proofreader.
See all that, right up there? That is poor writing. You've lectured the reader on all the different parts of Lee that make up, well, Lee. There are two outcomes for a reader: One, the reader assumes he or she is being talked down to because you assumed the reader couldn't figure out what makes Lee tick without spelling it out; Two, the reader gets bored because nothing happens at all in these two paragraphs.
When you introduce a character for the first time, ESPECIALLY a main character, have them do something that reveals a bit about themselves. You're giving away the game by listing out trait after trait, and throwing away the opportunity for your character to make a good impression on the reader. Instead of telling the reader Lee likes nature, have a scene where Lee walks out of the school. He can chat a bit about education with a friend, then decline an offered ride or leave his pal at the bus stop. Have him smell the flowers/actively look for leaf piles to crunch. Have him DO something.
If/when you rewrite this, I'd put about 2-4k words dedicated to establishing who Lee is through action, not narration.
anypony know an easy way to find humanized pony stories?
1367206
Ouch. I asked for harsh and I got harsh.
Excuse me while I go sit in the corner and re-think my life
(joking aside, I really appreciate all the criticism I've been getting.)
BRILLIENT
and the moment for the shower scene did remind me of Girls Bravo which is nice if it wasnt intentional since that show was totaly awesome yet...completly a pointless show 
BUT i love this story so far though i'd ask that you keep being awesome and wright as you intend (your currect character only relations to Girls Bravo's boy is not realy being liked by anyone but his childhood friend at the begining anyway! 
) thats all for that 
1367319
My criticisms have been criticized for being harsh before. Just remember to never take it personal!
1367506
Wouldn't dream of it!
1363938 that's
JUST what i was thinking
1367319
I find that curiosity and the urge to understand is one of the driving forces behind a lot of things, reading included. As 1367206 said, discovery and development is a huge part of making interesting characters and stories. If you unload all of your information in one go, there is nothing to learn about the character, leaving the reader with a boring protagonist. Withholding and slowly feeding the reader background information about the character keeps the character interesting.
On a slightly different note, your 'info dump' on Lee really only led me to one conclusion: He's pretty much the same as every other human that gets teleported to Equestria in everyone else's HiE wish fulfillment fics.
You know, for your first fanfiction it's pretty good. Spelling and grammar seems to be at a reasonable level, but there were a few things that I'd like to suggest:
Have you ever heard of 'Show, don't tell'? I find myself talking about this a lot, so I've written up a blog post showing my understanding of what it is, and how to implement it. That post can be found here. Basically, you write in a way that goes along the lines of: "She did this, this happened, she did that." Take a look at the link, or just google 'Show, don't tell', as I think it could be very beneficial.
Before I begin on this point, let me say that the orange text isn't a very good choice of words. Human's don't have 'back feet', we've just got feet.
Now that I've said that, take a look at the red text. This is one of my pet hates when it comes to writing, and it is the use of full caps when someone is shouting. Personally, I hate this. It looks unprofessional and derails my immersion in the same way that a sudden change in font size would. The exclamation mark was invented for a reason; Use it!
Finally, try and get into the habit of starting a new line whenever someone finishes speaking. The current state will become bloody confusing if multiple characters have a large conversation.
Personally, I didn't like it. Just the idea of a teenager getting thrown into Equestria is usually enough to turn me off a story like a puppy from an umbrella unless it has amazing writing and an engaging story. I might come back and add to this if I think of anything else.
Have a good day/night.
-Sparklight
1367506
That's not harsh! You stated facts and not once were you abusive about it. I've had a critic compare me to a six year old child with ADHD.
Brisingr! ....
Very cool story so far, as far as the idea behind it goes. Will follow for more...
Learning with portals?
Does that mean she'll be thinking with portals soon?
Hmm... I'll admit that I've read better but after some consideration I'll be looking forward to future chapters.
I have my doubts about reading this, but I'll give it a chance and see where this is going. Brb with an edit.
Edit: Why choose a name like Lee?
While the concept is overused, your characters seem more interesting, though I can't explain why. I was especially amused by the fact that he tried to pull his own wings off, though it makes no sense to do that. -shrug- It was just funny.
..Is this a self insert per chance?
Ohh great, so thats where I left my old copy of that book . . . Why did I even write that in the first place!? Ohh well, it doesn't come close to the level of True Magic anyways. If anything its a fragment. . . Still, even a fragment can do much damage. . . I should go and get it huh. . .
Good story so far, good story. Always interesting when Twi comes to Earth as a Human. What will she learn about on this journey hmm?
"...telling Spike where she went. Typical." Alright, explain to me where that Typical came from. It sure wasn't Spike thinking it.
1366059 well google translate always is the most reliable translator out there...
...Go one.
COMMENCE THE LURKING, WATCHING, AND SOON FAVORING!
You have been put on my favorites, seems cool even though i don't really like Twilight, are you going to be putting in other characters from the mane 6? But other than that AWESOME!!!!!
I liked it.
However, judging from your character reading Brisingr, I take that you still like Paoplini. Read Lord of the Rings. It's the same thing but better.
Only thing that gets on my nerves; don't worry, it's not really a problem, is when authors dont use commas when they should. It's not bad, J.R.R. Tolkein even did this and he's fine.
Anyway, liked and fav'd.