• Member Since 17th Jan, 2013
  • offline last seen Aug 5th, 2013

Beat Demon


E

Scootaloo's father went off to become a soldier when she was very young. Now he's coming home.

(Just a short little thingy I thought about writing, inspired by the song 'Coming home' by Diddy- Dirty Money)

Chapters (2)
Comments ( 7 )

Waaa? Too short bud, the feels were dead before being born.

That last line.....get rid of it or elaborate on the idea of her dad being redeployed.
As it stands now it's too short and it breaks the tone you set for the story.

It's a hard life, being the child of a serviceman (or, in this case, guardpony). No matter what the world, it means being without at least one parent for a very long time.

Hm... hate to say it, but the pacing here is abysmal.

You expand for a while on something, we don't know what, feeling amiss for Scoots.

Then suddenly her dad is there! No buildup, no nothing!

And then he had to leave again. The end.

This really doesn't make for a compelling read.

2090181 You're absolutely right man, It was just an idea I was throwing around and I just needed to write it down. I wanted to release it so I could get feedback on how I could improve it. Thanks, and I'll make sure to add a bit more to this!

2086527 Yeah, I thought so too

2107715

Keep it up. Your heart's in the right place and practice makes perfect. :twilightsmile:

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