You killed yourself to stop the pain. It followed you after death, but you have help finding your catharsis.
This is a vent piece I wrote originally intended to be a kind of suicide note. It also functioned as a way to sooth myself that if I died that night that I wouldn't be trapped in hell for all eternity, or that I wouldn't be turned away from Equestria because I couldn't survive this hell world.
I don't honestly know what I'll do, but I wanted to publish this anyways. I hope this story helps someone.
Chapters (1)
I honestly feel like Lina’s job is harder. Imagine going through this. Sure it’s rare, but that also means it takes a while to get used to.
Pp
Please don't hurt yourself.. you have so much to live for
I understand pain. If you are open to talking to someone who found out how to get better msg me.
Good story
It is perhaps the greatest tragic irony of life that those who are caring enough to feel and wise enough to understand, are those who suffer the most at both the hands of this world, and their own.
That doesn't go away in equestria or anywhere else, there is a cost to caring and knowing, and the bill always comes due.
Few who commit suicide are remotely deserving of any punishment at all, so besides villains running from righteous vengeance-seekers, its always the best of humanity, and not its worst, who feel the most pain.
It's not equal, and there will always be those less fortunate and secure than others, even among our brightest and kindest, to the point where the pain becomes untenable.
We've all known many people with that pain, and though our promises of hope to them often taste sour in our mouths in the light of such an unforgiving world, I think more than anything that those who feel this pain the most, do not need reassurance of peace, as much as purpose.
It's said humans can endure suffering of unimaginable proportions in the right circumstances, so it's confusing for many to see bright and young minds crumble under doubt alone.
You do not need this world, nobody needs to tell you or anyone else what a callus place it can be.
But this world needs you, people who care more than anything else, becaue the world is not caring for the most part, it makes you in short supply.
I don't believe in the inherent value of any life.
However, the life of anyone who actually considers others and not only doesn't take advantage of people, but goes further to try to put their wants first, is a sacred life, one which all of human society strove for all time to create. A better person, for a better and more caring world than the one we have.
You owe this world nothing, but if you can give it nothing else in your life but your love, thats more than most, and you should not lament a life lived lovingly, even a painful one.
And particularly not if its from the perspective of shallow, judgementsl people with not half the respect for human decency that anyone who could lucidly contemplate suicide would possess.
Guilt is a horrible burden that eats away at your heart like an angry termite, but one has to actually care about anything other than themselves in order to have it.
Paraphrasing a great quote, you either die a hero, or live long enough to see yourself become the villain.
It is not a curse though, it is a gift, you are gifted with the ability to represent the best qualities of mankind in being guilty enough to change negative actions into positive ones, a thing which most people, cannot or will not do.
Nobody said it would be easy or worth it, but the way I see it, if you're contemplating suicide as a way to run away from hardship, you're an idiot because becoming a delusional, nihilistic, hedonist sociopath is a much easier, much more fun route, that, most humans pretend they aren't two steps away from half the time.
But we both know, we all know, suicide isn't about hardship, but shame, and while shame is painful, it is not something to feel MORE shame about, you should instead be proud of yourself that you take responsibility in your heart for any actions you deemed shameful, even if you can never rise above them, it is good enough to live honestly with our flaws and keep caring, instead of pushing guilt away and becoming brutal and cold like the world.
Be proud of your pain, it speaks to your character, and in my mind, you who sometimes feel like you cannot bear to live in regret are not cowardly, but the bravest of us all, for guilt is burden you have chosen, and would choose to die on your feet from pain and sorrow remaining a good person, than to live on your knees as a guiltless mockery of a human being, no better than an animal.
It's just unfortunate that self-reassurance is not a quality of non-delusional people, and if not enough people tell a good person that they are good, they'll end up believing they're bad.
Despite what many people and even some less observent professionals believe, suicide is most often a social illness, and not a mental one.
If you find nothing but pain, revulsion and disgrace in your shame, an act that should be endearing to others, than you are surrounded by people unworthy of your love and unhealthy to your life.
And you should consider engaging more with those who make you feel loved, and less with those who make you feel worthless.
God knows there's plenty of rude trash people out there as it is, so hold onto the good ones tight.
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Thanks
Bro/sis listen. IDK if you are religious, but in my religion (islam), a human is only tasked with what they can bear, and we all can push through successfully. i know it seems impossible now, but its definitely not impossible.
Knowing how to move forward can be quite difficult, I didnt know how myself. I was in a state of not caring if i randomly died (had suicidal thoughts) , but i did eventually move forward with help. While not fully healed as of yet, its feels nicer now.
Opening up to someone who you can trust (parents, therapist, and more) will help a lot. Lets take small steps, opening up and making the ones close to you to understand your situation is a nice starting point.
Help does not have to be face to face or someone you know. It can come from many places like online helplines or strangers you meet daily. Even Online/offline communities are there for you. Willing to help.
I would also recommend visiting a religious figure (even if you are atheist) for help like a Pastor, or maybe an imam (Muslim religious figure) etc. They often are very understanding.
Please seek help, I hurt my family and the little friends i had too (especially my mom). But seeking help if possible really helps. I opened up to my mom about how i was feeling and she was understanding, our relation is now healing.
Its doesn't fully heal immediately, but its does heal. It helps with my mental health aswell. Its feels better now. And it only will further, for the both of us. Lets us just be a little more patient together. Even im not fully healed yet. Patience always helps.
Please feel free to message me whenever you like, whatever you like. I wont be able to check your messages instantly, but will definitely do my best to come back to you when i can.
Please dont be afraid to reach out for help if you feel like you need it. There is absolutely no shame in getting help, dont overthink it. Just go for it if you feel like you need it.
Here is a list of helpline numbers:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_suicide_crisis_lines
I just remembered this story and came back here. I don't know who you are, but I'm glad you're still here, I hope things have gotten better for you.
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They have. Thank you