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Cranberry Muffin

Joined September 2012
97 followers

Groups

Stories (4)

  • We're Gonna Get There Soon
    Derpy, haven't you ever heard the saying that 'friends are the family you choose for yourself'?

    55,268 words · 2,721 views · 249 likes · 2 dislikes
  • How Sweet It Is
    Derpy is having major anxiety over her turn at snack duty...And it's Thunderlane to the rescue?
    6,247 words · 2,813 views · 235 likes · 2 dislikes
  • Currents
    Q: What do you call an earth pony with a horn? A: Gusty.
    6,462 words · 531 views · 28 likes · 0 dislikes
  • All Is Calm
    Face it, Gusty...It's the holidays and we're all miserable!
    38,254 words · 332 views · 26 likes · 2 dislikes

Blog Posts (65)


When Rainbow Dash makes some changes to the Ponyville Weather Crew's weekly team meetings and implements a snack duty rotation, a certain clutzy pegasus finds herself with some major problems -- The main one being the fact that she can't cook to save her life.

With her scheduled snack date fast approaching, poor Derpy has no clue what do, other than fail miserably and get laughed at, as per usual.

Fortunately, it's Thunderlane to the rescue!

Author's note:

This is my first ever finished Pony-fic and I'm excited about it. However, I'm the only one who proofed it, so if you find any mistakes or errors, please don't be shy about telling me! I love comments in any form.

Also, this did not start its life as a shipfic...But somehow became one anyway.

Anywho, enjoy!

First Published
28th Sep 2012
Last Modified
28th Sep 2012

Comments ( 58 )

#1 · Chapter 1 · 95w, 6d ago · · ·

Seems like a nice story. The characters feel cute, and you have a large vocabulary at your disposal.

You asked for comments and possible spelling errors. Sorry if there seem to be a lot, but most of these are just stuff that almost everyone forgets when they start writing. Just please please PLEASE don't take these personally, but as more of areas you might improve upon.

congregated -> Being a pegasus is now a religion? How about 'assembled'

this indeed sound like -> sounded

to do what when and -> what AND when

much as I do…But it -> Space after an ellipsis

mooching off Twilight Sparkle -> off of

Bolstered by their apparent support, she grinned, plowing forward with the final change to their agenda. -> slipping into present tense. replace second comma with 'and plowed'

Maybe it won’t be that bad.” She replied flatly -> that bad[comma]" she replied. When writing dialogue, ending a sentence with a stop is only OK, if the next sentence doesn't describe how someone is saying the quoted part. For example

"Nice day," she said, and looked at the sky.

"Nice day." She looked at the sky.

perfect and--! -> What's happening here? double-dash followed by exclamation? If something is forcibly interrupted, use an em-dash — (alt-0151) without anything else.

The second try had resulted in her forgetting to hold the mixing bowl and batter all over the kitchen. -> batter what? ended up all over the kitchen?

The third time, she’d completely overlooked a key ingredient and the resulting muffins were rock hard and shriveled. -> add a comma before the 'and'. also rock-hard.

The fourth time, something had gone terribly wrong and Derpy was left wondering how something could possibly overcook and undercook at the same time. -> same here, add a comma before the 'and'.

“And if I mess this up…” -> the em-dash is used when someone is interrupted during dialogue instead of an ellipsis. Ellipsis is for when there is a pause in the dialogue, or someone let's her sentence just... hang... The one you use at the beginning of the paragraph: “I dunno…” She looked away again is the correct use for an ellipsis.

They had duty together that day -> I know we're talking about weather duty, but you might still mention it for clarity.

sometimes, she was directionally-challenged -> comma is not needed.

About stylistic things... These are of course only a preference, but you still might consider them.

Using "at least" and "though" so much makes the telling a bit repetitive and clunky. You might wanna try going around them, or checking if they're really necessary for the flow of the text. Some writers add them to make the text seem more light-hearted, but I think you could find better ways to do that.

You seem to like your commas a lot. A wise man once told me that commas make or break the flow of a story. A good way to think about is that you have to give one dollar to someone else for putting a comma in the text, and if it was necessary, you can get it back. Most people would go very, very broke with that kind of an approach. I recommend you re-visit your grammar textbooks and check out how to use commas.

One more thing. You might want to use two minutes of your time to pick up some screenshot from the series as a cover image for your story. People associate pictures with stories more easily than names, and it'd make the story more appealing to click on and read. Nothing you write has any meaning, if people just pass the story by. I myself was drawn in by the nice synopsis, and if you'd add a nice image of a few pegasi next to it, you'd probably get more views.

All in all, a very promising first story, and I wouldn't bother correcting stuff if I didn't think you could become an even better writer. You can only improve by writing, and that's exactly what you need to do.

#2 · Chapter 2 · 95w, 6d ago · · ·

I liked it.

#3 · Chapter 2 · 95w, 6d ago · · ·

>>1353403

First, Isseus, I want to thank you for taking the time to give me so thorough a critique. I have been writing fanfiction for a long time (14 years) and usually only receive the "OMG WRITE MORE" variety of comments.

I definitely understand that I break a lot of grammar rules when I write. And I do like ellipses and dashes to set things apart, but that's just a lot of my style. One thing I believe about the rules of grammar is that they are meant to be broken once they are understood. I've never really had any one call me on my bending of the rules before, but I can see how it might be strange for you, since I know you mentioned in one of your own posts that English is not your native language.

I will likely make some edits to this story in the future; I do all my own proof reading and after I let it sit for a few days, I may edit it a bit.

I would like to say, though, that you are incorrect about my failure to use commas before ands in some instances. When only two things are linked by the and (example: "We ate apples and oranges"), a comma is not needed (as opposed to "We ate apples, oranges, and bananas" where it would be needed -- and even in that sentence, a lot of native English speakers tend to omit the comma after "oranges").

And "congregated" is simply a synonym for "assembled." It doesn't necessarily have religions connotations.

As for a cover image, I did give that some consideration. However, I don't believe there are actually any scenes where Derpy and Thunderlane are together that I could have capped and I haven't had time to put something together yet, though I do intend to, now that it's the weekened. But you know what? I've always gotten along well at other fanfiction websites without any kind of cover image, so if I don't get to it, no big deal.

#4 · Chapter 2 · 95w, 3d ago · · ·

This was Really REALLY good! made me feel warm! sad to see so few views! I'm not much of an editor so I really can't see anything wrong with the story. Thank you made my night!

#5 · Chapter 2 · 95w, 3d ago · · ·

>>1368792

Thank you! Your kind words mean a lot. I had an idea to write more in this little universe I've created and started working on a follow up story. I hope you stick around for it :pinkiesmile:

#6 · Chapter 2 · 95w, 3d ago · · ·

Ermahgerd. BRILLIANT :pinkiehappy:

#7 · Chapter 2 · 95w, 3d ago · · ·

>>1371005

Thank you!

#8 · Chapter 2 · 94w, 4d ago · · ·

Amazing story mate! Think this is th best derpy romance I've read in a long time, keep up the good work :rainbowkiss:

#9 · Chapter 2 · 94w, 4d ago · · ·

>>1399280

Thank you so much! I didn't even intend it to be a romance and it kind of turned into one on its own! :derpytongue2:

I am working on a sequel, though :D

#10 · Chapter 2 · 94w, 4d ago · · ·

awesome! Cant wait!:pinkiehappy:

#11 · Chapter 2 · 94w, 4d ago · · ·

What are you gonna call the sequel? :duck:

#12 · Chapter 2 · 94w, 4d ago · · ·

>>1401573

I haven't decided yet. But I'm a good way into it and it has a fair amount to do with Rumble and Derpy's ability to tell stories, so I'm pretty stoked about it. I have tomorrow off from work and I'm hoping to get a ton more writing done :pinkiehappy:

#13 · Chapter 2 · 94w, 4d ago · · ·

So is this one going to be romance story like the last or different?

#14 · Chapter 2 · 94w, 4d ago · · ·

>>1401849

Oh, it definitely still has the romance aspects in it :raritywink:

#15 · Chapter 2 · 94w, 4d ago · · ·

Great, I'm kind of into romance stories right now :rainbowkiss: any anything that is related to awesome stories like this one

#16 · Chapter 2 · 94w, 4d ago · · ·

>>1401957

I will try to deliver! The part I'm writing right now has a little bit of fluff in it. It'll kind of run like this story did: Some romance mixed in with the other stuff.

#17 · Chapter 2 · 94w, 3d ago · · ·

cool. i bet it gonna be as spectacular as the last:twilightsmile:

JAG
#18 · Chapter 2 · 92w, 6d ago · · ·

Not bad, not bad at all. I like your take on Derpy; sort of a clumsy screw-up, but otherwise normal. Too many fics take her personality to one extreme or another, so I always like seeing a more believable version. And I can relate to her trouble with cooking; I once somehow burned a hole through a pan while trying to make a grilled-cheese sandwich. :twilightsheepish:

But yeah, this was generally very enjoyable and cute. Looking forward to the sequel.

#19 · Chapter 2 · 92w, 6d ago · · ·

>>1469648

Thank you! I tried to keep her in character as I see her -- Sure, she causes some pretty big diasters in "The Last Roundup" but for most of her background appearances she seems to waver between goofy and capable. I took that and went with it.

And I hope to have the sequel ready soon...I've got lots more of it in the works.

#20 · Chapter 2 · 92w, 3d ago · · ·

>>1353403 Well.... It sorta IS a religion... Ever read Rainbow Factory?

#21 · Chapter 1 · 89w, 4d ago · · ·

I really enjoyed this story and Derpy Hooves is my favorite pony in all Equestria. Thunderlane seems like a very nice choice for her and I'm glad that your going a different route then other people, I'll be watching your work, I'm very impressed.:twilightsmile:

#22 · Chapter 2 · 89w, 4d ago · · ·

>>1600233

Thank you so much! I unexpectedly found myself going down this path and greatly enjoying it. Two dorky characters always make a good couple, Y/N?

If you liked this, you will probably also enjoy my MUCH longer, not-yet-finished fic, "We're Gonna Get There Soon." If you have not already found it, please check it out! :twilightsmile:

#23 · Chapter 2 · 89w, 3d ago · · ·

Your story is seriously impressive, one that makes a person want to think on what they themselves have written and to look it over for errors or keeping ever creature true to who they are, you did very well and I'm proud to watch a fellow writer:twilightsmile:

#24 · Chapter 2 · 89w, 3d ago · · ·

>>1604448

Thank you so much! I don't think of myself as a particularly brilliant writer, especially when you look at all the other amazingly talented people in the world. It's people like you who make me want to keep writing, even when I'm running out of inspiration or something goes wrong :heart:

#25 · Chapter 2 · 89w, 3d ago · · ·

>>1604473 Well you are, you can blow many people out of the water with your wiritng, but there will always be someone better then you, so that's a given...but you have real talent, something that she never be taken for granted or wasted my friend, no joke and I'm just a fan, nothing in the least speical about me:twilightblush:

And I'm always there for my author friends, so if you ever need any help, ideas or advice, I got your back fellow fan.:rainbowdetermined2:

#26 · Chapter 2 · 88w, 5d ago · · ·

That was darn cute.  Darn cute.

But now I have this ... frustrating urge to hug everything.

#28 · Chapter 2 · 86w, 6d ago · · ·

That better be a sequel to this!!!!!

Edit:: Good, there is one!!!

#29 · Chapter 2 · 84w, 3d ago · · ·

This was insanely cute.:twilightsmile: I needed something fluffy after the recent tragedies we've had.

#30 · Chapter 2 · 84w, 3d ago · · ·

>>1813906

Thanks! I'm really good at writing WAFF. And if you're still in need of more cute, it has a sequel~

#31 · Chapter 2 · 83w, 1d ago · · ·

This made me happy. I loved It. Good job!:heart::pinkiehappy:

#32 · Chapter 2 · 83w, 1d ago · · ·

>>1858175

Thanks! I'm glad you liked it :twilightsmile:

#33 · Chapter 2 · 83w, 1d ago · · ·

>>1858181 You are very welcome, and I look forward to more of your work.:twilightsmile:

#34 · Chapter 2 · 83w, 1d ago · · ·

>>1858193

Well, as you've probably seen, I have a few more things posted. I hope you enjoy those too! :twistnerd:

#35 · Chapter 2 · 83w, 1d ago · · ·

>>1858202 I hope so, and Thank you.

#36 · Chapter 1 · 83w, 22h ago · 4 · ·

>>1353403

'Congregated' is not inherently related to religion.

#37 · Chapter 2 · 83w, 22h ago · · ·

>>1859050

I think we had a minor issue with the language barrier, there.

#38 · Chapter 1 · 82w, 2d ago · · ·

Derpy gave him a bit of a cross look, a look that was foiled by her own lazy eye. Instead of looking stern, she just looked silly. “Maybe it won’t be that bad.” She replied flatly. “Didja forget what happened when I tried to make that cinnamon apple cake for you mom to thank her for when she looked after me when I was sick last winter?”

Erm, I'm not positive, but from what I know of the english language, this is a typo.

#39 · Chapter 2 · 82w, 2d ago · · ·

>>1887272

Good catch, I probably never would have noticed that.

#40 · Chapter 2 · 82w, 20h ago · · ·

I made an extra account just to Favorite this twice.

#41 · Chapter 2 · 80w, 5d ago · · ·

MY SHIPPER HEART!!!!!

Good work me lad. I didn't even know this shipping existed.....

#42 · Chapter 2 · 80w, 5d ago · · ·

>>1947551

LOL; that's probably because no one but me ships it!

#43 · Chapter 2 · 80w, 3d ago · · ·

D'aww. :scootangel:

#44 · Chapter 2 · 80w, 1d ago · · ·

Oh. Oh boy. Wow... that was some serious kind of cute!! :raritystarry:

Great story! I thought I'd check this one out first--I'm definitely gonna go on and read you're much longer follow-up to this one!


And hey, that's like, Maple Taffy, right? Are you Canadian, by any chance? That's a big Quebec thing, as far as I'm recalling...

#45 · Chapter 2 · 80w, 1d ago · · ·

>>1968291

Thanks! I hope you enjoy the other one, too.

And no, I'm not Canadian. I just know about making candy in that fashion from reading the Little House on the Prairie book series when I was a kid. I actually tried to do this once, but it totally doesn't work with immitation maple syrup and we never had the real stuff :twilightsheepish:

#46 · Chapter 2 · 80w, 1d ago · · ·

>>1969034

Oh, ha, awesome!

Yeah, I don't imagine it'd work that well with flavoured corn syrup... :raritywink: From what I remember, I think it helps to have the maple syrup heated almost to boiling, too, and then, once it's on the snow, the Quebec way was to roll it up around a popsicle stick! (And it's, uh, definitely really good!)

Anyway, it was a fun thing to have in your story, and added a sort of little something unexpected and unique! I felt the story in general was very fresh, and really stood out for me, from other stories. Just, like, having the snack-bringing being the major source of anxiety for Derpy in this--like it doesn't seem like a big deal at first, but you really make it believable through Derpy's concerns about being put in the spotlight, and that she knows how everyone's expecting her to fail.

But yeah! Reading the first few chapters of the next one, and I'm enjoying it thoroughly, as well!

#47 · Chapter 2 · 80w, 1d ago · · ·

>>1969103

As I've mentioned to several other people, I really strive to be original, even when I'm inspired by something or somebody else. I know I get tired of reading the same kind of thing over and over and assume that others do as well.

I also really enjoy reading slice of like stories. I love the idea of exploring how something plain and ordinary can effect a person and how something that may seem small to one individual may seem huge to another. Playing with that kind of situation so fun for me and I really enjoy it. I think attention to detail is the thing that makes a story great, rather than a lot of action and drama -- Which can work, but only if it's written in detail!

In any case, I'm glad to know you're enjoying my writing. I really enjoy yours, too!

#48 · Chapter 2 · 80w, 1d ago · · ·

>>1970635

Ah! Yes! Totally, I feel the same way!

Definitely that idea of the everyday, mundane type thing having a very significant impact on someone is what I'm a big fan of as well. It somehow makes it less of an intangible fictional thing, and more something that actually has some kind of connection to something. Like, even stories about ponies can do that, right? And yeah, the setting, and the specific things are key to making that work!


And that's awesome you really make an effort to be original! It shows... in a good way!

This one time, in one of my art classes, the instructor hands out the assignment sheet for the next project, and one of the legitimate bullet points on it, under objectives and expectations, was "avoid mediocrity."

I feel like... that's a good objective and expectation to keep around.

#49 · Chapter 2 · 80w, 1d ago · · ·

>>1971515

Exactly! I like the things I read to be believable, to some extent, and for me, it's reading about everyday struggles that make the most sense to me. My own life as a (sort of) young adult is full of the usual (sort of) young adult problems of money, job, family, love, etc, and I like reading about similar situations to see how others would deal. I like to play around with the concept that real, true love is not some pretty, romantic thing; it hard and it's a struggle, but it's worth it, no matter how ugly it can be. This fact about me is probably the reason that my next big project is Pinki/Discord ship fic.

I also find it interesting to see how you can work the fantasy elements of something like MLP into an everyday situation. Prior to getting into Pony fic, I'd been reading/writing a lot of Transformers stuff,and it's the same kind of thing -- They go through similar circumstances, but how do you adapt it to make it species-specific? It's fascinating to me to see how things need to be tweaked to fit the universe you're working in, as well as a challange.

And I think your instructor had sound advice. Why strive for mediocrity when you can potentially achieve greatness?

#50 · Chapter 2 · 77w, 5d ago · · ·

Huh...nice pairing! I love this!

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