• Member Since 6th Jul, 2020
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vectorVll


Vector review

Comments ( 11 )

As the shock wore off, every student stared at King. One of the students stood up and shouted. "After him!" and all of Tartarus broke loose.

They all gonna get their asses kicked.

Frustrated, she shouted, "Whoever summoned me here had better pray to the Seldarine, because when I find you, I'm going to skin you alive!"

I highly doubt it. Considering the CMC are still children.

Neoma felt a rush of anticipation at the prospect of evolving and growing even stronger. She followed Ash closely, ready to help her with their shared mission. "Let's track down those who summoned you," Neoma said, her voice filled with determination. "We’ll make them pay for what they've done."

Ash laughed at her new companion’s excitement. "Yes, we'll punish their rookie mistake."

The CMC are in big trouble!

Oodles of run-on sentences right in the description and a title that doesn't make sense... not reading this.

11715780
No one is holding a gun up to your head and if they are blink two times

11715818 Have to admit that was one of the more humorous responses I have read.

The title tells me enough, but it also raises a question.

You don’t mean ‘This is why you should never summon adventurers to Equestria, do you?

A title that can be understood is a great way to ensure your readers know what they’re getting to read. A healthy dose of Grammarly would also help your long description. I get the feeling it was written over a few edits, as there are sentences that could be paired together or outright combined into one.

11716094
Ok. The title is pretty descriptive and other than it doesn't have a . In the description is fine. So what's confusing or complicated?

11716171
This is why you should never summit adventurous to Equestria.
This is why you should never summon adventurers to Equestria

Summit means the top of a mountain
adventurous is an adjective, meaning to take risks and try new things.
never summit adventurous doesn’t make grammatical sense, as far as I can tell. I don’t know what it means to summit adventurous because that isn’t something one can do.
It’s the opposite of descriptive because it’s meaningless word jumble. Your long description is riddled with what I call comma spam, where you are adding words and beginning sentences in a redundant way. We know this is MLP, and we can surmise the CMC personalities due to their countless show appearances. I have no context that other characters are involved for nearly four lines of text. I have no reason to assume you’re not just describing the CMC

When I do learn of them, I’m suddenly aware of these adventurers, their relationships to characters, and their personalities, which I should only get from the actual book chapters, not the description box. I think I actually get more context and plot ideas in the description than the first lines of chapter one.

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