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The sequel to " A New Life; an Old Demon": A year has past since Aeon defeated the gargoyles and life his looking good for Aeon until a dark entity has came upon Ponyville taking lives at night. Believing it to be a work of an old prophecy, it becomes something more than what he thought.
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Many dislikes I wonder why??????
I got here from something you posted in the new authors section asking for help.
I did not get a chance to check out the other stories in the series.
Maybe you could make a small prologue that explains the Aeon's background so people who jump
in the middle of a series can understand whats going on?
The story is fine but I am reading it with an annoying hole in my knowledge of the story.
I know very little of the protagonist.
I know of at least 2 fiction series (Lord of the Rings, The chronicles of Thomas covenant the unbeliever) that have a section in the beginning that tells the reader what has happened before. They do that because the amount of time between books could be awhile and readers will not remember what has gone before when the next book arrives. Also if readers get out of sequence they still can enjoy the current book.
1581171oh I'll make sure to add that in.
1581171Actually I don't want to write a prologue cause I tend to get side tracked when recapping things and even in the first story I purposely didn't dive into Aeon's back story very much
"He kept on staring into the ally way knowing that he can see something standing there."
"He kept on staring into the alley way knowing that he can see something standing there."
"Both chains loosened they're grip until Fleur's lifeless body fell out hit the ground and the chains wrapped themselves around the figure's arms. "
"Both chains loosened their grip until Fleur's lifeless body fell out hit the ground and the chains wrapped themselves around the figure's arms. "
"His body hit the ground with bones breaking of no protection from his shriveled up skin."
"His bones shattered when his body hit the ground because there was no protection from his shriveled up skin"
"She felt the chains grip getting tighter around her body squeezing as if they were snakes, it's cold steel was squeezing on her skin making bruises within it, she could also feel the chains squeezing down on her bones making it feel like her bones were being pushed together, then she could hear and feel her bones cracking and breaking under the chains pressure."
You might want to switch to different synonyms for squeezing.
Use squeezing once and then switch.
Some alternatives
http://thesaurus.com/browse/Squeezing?s=t
Bruises are made on skin.
Watch out for the wall of text. The section describing Fleur and Fancy pants death is kinda hard to read.
Its easier to read if it was broken up into a few paragraphs.
"Finally finding a page of the Night Stalker in the book, Aeon's eyes were as wide a dinner plates."
"Finally finding a page of the Night Stalker in the book, Aeon's eyes were as wide as dinner plates."
Other than these problems its a good read.
1644292 I'll try and fix it when I have the time to