Yesterday, Twilight Sparkle was hot in pursuit of dangerous stolen magic, her friends at her side and Ahuizotl in her sights. Today, she is imprisoned aboard a wondrous and horrifying city, hurtling through the empty void of space and surrounded by creatures and a world she barely comprehends and everything she thought she knew is upside-down - a world where a legion of ponies serve as seeming slaves.
Yesterday, Santana Guerro was finishing up an ordinary investigation - another day, another case, another synthetic assistant assigned to be by his side. Today, an ancient, living space probe from a lost world is in his office - the furthest possible thing from routine, and certain to be far from easy to close the case on.
Both of them need answers. Secrets are in play - secrets that others will kill to be the one keeping. But to find a way out, they’re going to have to understand each other.
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First-Place Winner of the 2023 Science Fiction Contest.
Cover art Credit: Twilight is from the show. All else is mine.
So... this has been a very interesting ride so far. I look forward to more.
Can’t have a space epic without imposters.
The organisation he worked with sounds pretty sus too, given that they seem to have a lot of information that (I think) was meant to have been lost during the war, if his knowledge about the drone terraforming programs and his actually being able to access Twilights neural system shows anything
Man, this story’s good. But, it’s got me itching for more. I mean we got a whole backstory and everything lined up but it ends so fast! But otherwise, very good.
This section could do with some cleanup. Didn't even realize it was Twilight until the following paragraph, but that just brings up more questions: Is she free? I was under the assumption she was still locked in the cell. Also, Cravat?
THAN HE WHAT DAMN IT?!
Liking the story so far!
The only thing I'd like to see is Twilight confronting Celestia and Luna. That would be the cherry on top!
Awesome story! Enjoyed it a lot!
I believe I speak for many when I say we need more of this world/universe you've created here. It just seems criminal to leave this untapped potential here with only this story.
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That's fair; right before that Guerro mentions that Twilight's sleeping in his office's foyer, so I thought it was clear she's not in the cell anymore. (Keeping traumatized people in the location that traumatized them is a pretty bad idea, and Crenelle/Guerro know this.
In an earlier draft of this story, Crenelle's name was Cravat. I thought this had been changed in all locations, but it looks like one snuck by!
In this case, there's nothing missing. It's a (maybe a little too fanciful) way of saying "me, maybe a little more eagerly than he was shaking his head" (but with fewer words). Apparently it's more of a UK thing, so I can see why you might not be familiar with it.
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Glad to hear it. I'm going to have to think about how to continue this, clearly. 11547244 definitely hits on some of my thoughts on where to go, though in truth I'm surprised nobody's asked about Discord.
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It is rather suspicious, isn't it?
I'd even say a fair bit of how this story is interpreted is dependent on how honest Guerro really is: Who did he actually get that information from? How much is he really being honest about the independence Biosynths have? Is his final answer to Crenelle on Equestria's fate truthful?
Absolutely amazing premise and I love stories that write ponies as more of a different species with its own mannerisms than just a human with a pony body. And the setting of her world being a life seeded colonization candidate with a mythological theme is wonderful alongside twilight's reactions to being considered property / a second class citizen.
Please continue this, adore it. All I can really think of to compare it to is Message in a Bottle, my favorite fic ever which we desperately need more like of.
Good one!
This concept and the writing are god-tier.
This was great but, really needed just another scene with Twilight handling the truth of her world.
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Well, that scale of project tech probably hard to get under wrap. Biosynth probe as an alternative to a von Neumann's probe is a commonly appearing trope. Any history nerd would know it, but a commoner would not be interested. Today very few commoners know that Nazi Germany had a functional jet plane even though it's not a classified information.
There was mention that bits an pieces of old oroject were found. It may imply that at large it was a failure or considered so.
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In retrospect, I do see that this would definitely have been something I ought to have included. Ah, well! That'll just have to be the start of the sequel, should I ever get around to writing it!
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It's a bit of both: To some degree the exact mechanics of creating that pattern of biosynths has been lost to time and warfare. It could probably be rediscovered, but as Guerro said other events superseded the need to terraform planets like that... and he hints in a couple places that there are interests who have regulated against the creation of such independent and powerful biosynths as well.
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Thanks for the feedback! I'll take a re-look at this scene and see where I could smooth it out.
Guerro gives a quick mention that she's 'sleeping in the foyer', but I can see how that would be missed - it's just a few words.
In an earlier draft, Crenelle was named Cravat. That got changed, but from this and another comment it looks like I missed that one spot.
Heh. This is a particular turn of phrase - there's an unspoken "he did" there. But I see a lot of readers aren't familiar with that (apparently it's more a British English thing than US one?), so I'll be avoiding it in the future!
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Oh, I don't think it's that good - but I do definitely appreciate the comment!
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"Pony mannerisms more than just a human in a pony body" is definitely one of the things I always try to include in my writing. I was lucky enough to meet someone in the fandom who actually owns horses and was able to give me lots of tips about equine body language and gestures. I really feel it helps distinguish them as different, especially in a story like this where they're contrasting against a human character.
Oh, now that's a fic I haven't thought of in a good long while!
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Thank you very much!
ooh, sci-fi neo-noir!
as befitting of a sci-fi neo-noir detective protagonist!
ah, so much to say about the place of Biosynths in this Society and attitudes towards them just in this one paragraph!
ooh, a lot of intriguing details but this one is especially intriguing!
ooooooh!
so true that is exactly what humans look like
aww, love it when ponies have a biology distinctly alien to humans
hell yeah get em Twilight!
oh, so many questions!
hehe, of course this is how a denizen of gritty sci-fi world would contextualize the graceful magic of a unicorn teleportation
hey, that “weird stuff” is great!
oh no, Twilight does not understand the lengths to which casual human speciesism will go!
so very horrifying, yes :(
augh, poor Twilight! :(
i must admit, this is a great way to have the canon of MLP and this spacefaring human civilization co-exist in the same universe
really makes you think about this society
so true! really rooting for Twilight Sparkle here. i mean, obviously, but like, so much more so
i mean, she has battled all sorts of villains. but yes, what she is facing now really is unlike anything she has faced before
augh, Twilight!
so true actually, a very poetic and cruel irony
dang Crenelle really is lacking in class consciousness
love this poignant mix of emotions
that is part of the great unease of it. i am like Twilight and i also want to go home!
so true. the difference between a justifiable hierarchy and one that is very much not
dang, really laying bare the background ideology of this Society through the mouths of its innocent children, huh?
auaugh
cdn.discordapp.com/emojis/957679742822281266.webp?size=96&quality=lossless
augh, love this sequence so much
oof. opsec, Twilight!
i would object to Crenelle personally about how it’s totally different, but it makes sense he would make this kind of assumption about what a Princess is, given how absolute the dynamics of power are in his Society
augh, i should have known! of course Crenelle would have his own agency, and is doing his best and finding as much meaning and happiness as he can within the constraints of this awful Society
ooh, what a twist! and Ahuizotl, of all creatures, is the one that doesn’t belong and gets this reaction out of these hard-bitten detectives? not Discord or the Windigoes or any of those guys? Ahuizotl? really? kinda love that actually
this is a fantastic hard-bitten sci-fi noir metaphor anecdote, i love it
love her
love smug and correct Twilight
love her
ooh, burn!
augh, love Twilight free to do Twilight things
love this description of how casting teleportation feels like!
ehehe great callback
ooh, love that this came back! and i share Twilight’s hard and terrible laugh here
so true (and on a metafictional level, the show itself is merely a tool to sell toys but instead it shows the possibilities of a better world than this?)
and what a beautiful way to close out Crenelle and Twilight’s relationship in this story
and oh wow! really did not see that twist coming, but there were just enough clues sprinkled into the worldbuilding and story to make it not surprising. fantastic stuff.
and whether or not this ending is a happy one really does depend on how much to trust Guerro’s assessment of the Union and its intentions, and considering his role as one of its enforcers, well… yes, these last moments with Crenelle were touching, but again in a way bound by the constraints of the Society that these two lived in. i get the feeling of a slaveowner that is one of the “kind” ones, but in the end, is still a slaveowner who sees his own Society as simply the natural order of things. that such an absolute power imbalance is carefully distributed and rarely used in this instance does not negate its unjustifiedness and horror.
and augh, the story illustrates so very well how such things are normalized, and how it takes the perspective of an outsider to the system to see it for what it is.
phenomenally crafted story that juxtaposes all of the innocence of Equestria with this larger and crueler universe that it finds itself in. it is such a tough balance to strike and i was in complete awe at how perfectly you struck it. i could not think of a single thing about Twilight’s reaction to this world as you rendered it that i could not call pitch-perfect, and i am very, very particular about this kind of thing. the torrent of exposition at the beginning made me uneasy at first, but looking back it is amazing how much got through without it being overwhelming, with the disorientation blending in seamlessly to the disorientation of Twilight’s perspective as she, like us, has to situate herself in this strange new world. and the pacing! not a scene wasted, and every one beautiful. that you juggle all of these aspects of the story so well…
honestly, this is one of the best stories i have read on this site so far, and by far the best of this genre. thank you so much for such a gift. it is truly an honor!
It's always interesting to imagine how a clearly superior existence is managed to be slaved like this. Better hope they don't manage to actually connect Twilight to the network, the chaos will be unimaginable...
Uh oh, someone's been a naughty guy!
A bad boy, but perhaps only because the system enforced him so.
Only question is, did he remember the treasure black box? 😏
What gets me the most in this story is how Crenelle responds to physical affection.
It's cute and all, but knowing that it's probably programmed into him, it really calls into question the supposed freedom of biosynths. Crenelle seems happy enough, but is he even capable of rejecting his lot in life when he comes pre-installed with memory re-writing processes? Aauuggh.
Amazing work!
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And only now do I realize I never actually fully responded to this... Let me do so now, because this kind of feedback is the feedback authors dream of, and I think it deserves a response!
One of my rules for writing this fic is that while she starts out fearful and disoriented, I did not want her to remain a "damsel in distress" throughout. It wouldn't be enjoyable if this felt like a "beat up on the innocent ponies" story.
Thank you! Although I will admit it's inspired by other fics' descriptions as well.
One of the fun things about shorter fics: You can make callbacks work really well. (Also, I love snarky Twilight.)
This is definitely the dynamic I was going for. No overt cruelty or near-comedic villainy, but nonetheless the ponies in this society are still subservient and have little voice in it. It's both harder to condemn than an overtly brutal society, but also the imbalance can't be ignored.
I'm of the opinion that any kind of "human in Equestria" or "pony on Earth" (or "pony on space station") stories run on the juxtaposition of the worlds to some degree; I'm glad that the theme I used to highlight hat juxtapositioning came off so well.
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Perhaps!
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This is something of a common theme of my writing - I tend to write ponies as physically social and affectionate. In the context of this story, however... yes, I can see how it would be alarming - especially since Guerro sometimes seems to use it to keep Crenelle calm! It could definitely be seen as something used as a tool rather than just a cute quirk.
This is exactly the sort of story that tickles my neurons just right. The contrasting viewpoints, the secrets, the organic worldbuilding, it's all perfect. Definitely looking forward to more from you!
This was exquisite work. Some of the transitions were a bit janky—it's hard to tell exactly what the situation is when the smell of hayburgers tugs Twilight out of that fugue state until they get off the bus(?)—but overall this was a deeply engrossing setting. Gripping story, great characters, fascinating moral quandaries, and some A+ world building. Thank you for a great read. I'm glad I finally got around to it.
This is good stuff! I really like the terraforming lore.
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Thank you very much! That was honestly one of the nuggets in my head the story originally grew out of.
formatting tag
"less" looks like a mistake here; also, "small knots" is used twice in this sentence
They gave Ahuizotl a backstory in Season 9, so this might need the Alt. Universe tag; then again, it's not a hugely important part of the show's lore, so perhaps not necessarily.
Either way, great story.
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Damn, I thought I'd gotten all of those. Thank you!