"He attacked me!"
"Atticus, is this true?" Luna asked, frowning.
The tarantula adamantly waved its legs around, probably telling her his plan to murder me and rule the world. That blasted Atticus had gotten the jump on me! It was a cheap shot!
"How did you manage to do this to yourself?" Luna asked.
"I told you! He jumped me!"
"You lost to a tarantula the size of your hoof."
"I didn't lose!" I snapped.
Luna snickered, wrapping some bandages around my hoof. "How on earth did you manage to get cut up?"
"He bit me!" She wasn't buying it. "Okay, so I jumped out of a window. Or into one. And fell."
"How many stories?" She yanked out an arrow lodged in my knee.
"Too many," I groaned.
"You still got your ass kicked by a spider."
I sat up, aghast. "What did you say?"
"Thou has hath thy ass walloped by an arachnid, dear sister," Luna said, picking up Atticus and placing him on her head. "Come, Atticus."
I tried boring my eyes into the back of Luna's head. Atticus was waving his arms around, hissing. He was laughing at me.
After a very quick recovery session, I was back on my hooves, mulling over what to do. I couldn't kill Atticus myself. Somewhere in the middle of hiring an assassin and using those nuclear launch codes I kept under my mattress, I looked into a dusty corner of the hallway and paled.
More cobwebs.
I trotted as calmly as I could (hauling my flank faster than the speed of light) to Luna's bedroom. As I approached her room, I could feel vibrations in the floor, like pounding bass. I shoved over her doors and was blasted by music.
"EVERYDAY WE ARE SHUFFLING!"
My ears were assaulted by the ensuring blast of music, nearly throwing me off my hooves. Luna danced in the middle of her room, her left hooves and right hooves alternating as she slid around, doing some ridiculous prance.
"OH, HELLO, SISTER!"
"LUNA!"
"LOOK! I HAVE TAUGHT ATTICUS A NEW TRICK!"
And there he was, shuffling right along with Luna to the beat of the song, sliding and skittering next to her. How the heck does a tarantula even shuffle?!
"LUNA!" I screamed as I dragged myself against the wind, coming closer and closer to her speakers.
"WHAT WAS THAT? I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE MUSIC! YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO SPEAK UP!"
"LUNA!"
"OH, HERE'S THE CHORUS! PONY ROCKERS IN THE HOOOOOUSE TONIGHT!"
I yanked the cord from the bass, ending the Pony Rock Anthem and their unbearable shuffling. "Atticus has been making more webs."
"He has not! I specifically told him not to, and he's a very, very good pet!" She nuzzled the tarantula. "Aren't you, Atticus?" She glared at me. "You're just jealous!"
"Me?! Jealous? What?"
"You're jealous that your pet is not as cute."
"That thing is about as cute as your mother!"
"How dare you! We have the same mother!"
"Then I guess you got beat with the end of the ugly stick when you were a foal!"
"Says the fat flank with the hot pink mane!"
I narrowed my eyes, gasping. "Oh no, you didn't!"
"Yes, I did. What are you going to do, girlfriend?"
I reached over and grabbed Luna by her starry mane, dragging her along.
"Ow, ow. Ow!"
"See?" I huffed.
"Atticus?" Luna asked quietly.
The tarantula on her head gave a shrug.
"He says it was not him."
"How the hay can you talk to him?"
"Atticus, tell me the truth," Luna said, looking up at the tarantula perched on her head.
Atticus seemed to twiddle his legs sheepishly, his fangs moving back and forth. He suddenly leapt off. I screamed, scrambling up against the wall, watching him skitter down the hall. Luna trailed behind him, and I trailed behind her.
"Where is he going?" I whispered.
"Shh."
The tarantula pointed at a familiar door.
"That's the broom closet, Luna."
She scowled, rolling her eyes. "I can read, sister."
"There's no sign."
Luna gripped the doorknob with her magic. I gulped, shrinking down. What was behind that door? What if Atticus' mommy had gotten mad, and had come back to take him home? What if she was the size of the entire closet? The size of the castle?
It swung open. I peeked out from behind Luna's wing.
Nothing.
"Atticus, what is it?"
The tarantula crawled in, and there was a click. He had turned on the light, pinching the chain with his legs.
"Oh, 'Tia, look! That's who was making these webs!" Luna squealed. "Atticus has a girlfriend!" She jumped in, nudging the demon. "You player, you."
"G-G-G—"
Luna let out an even louder squeal, jumping up and down. "There's spider eggs in here! Oh, they've made babies! Baby tarantulas, 'Tia! Isn't it amazing?"
I believe Celestia is due for a complete mental breakdown in 3...2...1...
KIll it! Kill it with Fire!
uh oh...
And then Celestia goes batshit crazy and goes on a spider killing rampage.
Ohhhhh Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit
The palace is getting flooded with napalm, isn't it?
... No...
Nooo...
Welp, that's it for Equestria.
Oh dear, Luna, you win so much!
BURN IT! BURN IT NOW! BRING THE FULL WRATH OF THE SUN DOWN UPON THE CLOSET AND END IT NOW PRINCESS! Now before it is too late!
DROP THE SUN ON IT!!! Kill it ALL with fire!
*In narrator voice* "And thus did the end of Equestria come in a great flaming conflagration, as Celestia, her terror absolute, summoned the sun unto herself engulfing all in fire."
spider sex
I can just see Celestia now; FLOODS! FIRE! FAMINE! DOOM! DEFEAT! DESPAIR!
Well shits getin real!
and why is there no luna icon?!
Gentlemen, it's been an honor serving with you.
Time to update the map of Equestria, how much do you think we'll need to replace with a charred crater?
Horseapples Just Got Real.
1392996 Just to annoy you dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/Luna_lolface.png
... Wait...
War... War never changes. In response to hostile actions by the arachnids, Holy Celestia plunged the world into atomic fire, hoping to extinguish their life. Atom bombs managed to do what Celestia feared the spiders would and destroy the world. But the apocalypse was not the end, rather a new chapter in Celestia's war against spiders, because War... War never changes. ~ In Ron Peralman's voice.
Funny chapter, poor Celestia. Maybe she should consider taking a hiatus and letting Luna rule solo for a while. It would go like this...
*Celestia leaves*
Luna stroking Atticus "All according to plan."
Celestia's funeral was held the following week. Her tombstone read: "Here lies Princess Celestia. Died of a heart attack. Whoops."
1393025
These are the kind of comments that make me wish we could rate up comments.
Oh god. Tia is going to go ballistic. (Makes a bag of popcorn)
Please continue.
encrypted-tbn2.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcTNuXRPChFVTLNwqqbgzWOBnp4Y7_Sp5AMdX1uG8U5OkPQskfNN
baby tarantulas!!
USE THE SUNFIRE ATTACK dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Sweetie_happy.png
Well... that was... something. The first thing that came to mind was the infamous trollfic "The Spiderses".
For the convenience of those who haven't read it, I give you a video of a spoofed Celestia reading it badly:
And that's how Equestria was unmade!
Listen to Sigourney Weaver. She knows the only course of action available in this circumstance.
image.spreadshirt.com/image-server/image/composition/16234375/view/1/producttypecolor/2/type/png/width/280/height/280/starcraft-nuclear-launch-detected_design.png
1392993
I know what you did here
I think it's time for Celestia to give Luna the nice 'Project' *coughexilecough* of 'Rebuilding' the Everfree Castle.
You should also invest in Tarantula Hawk Wasps
ic.pics.livejournal.com/rubyelf/32375328/186016/186016_original.jpg
See! Problem solved, and you maintain plausible deniability!
"Thou has hath thy ass walloped by an arachnid, dear sister," Luna said, picking up Atticus and placing him on her head.
When it comes to old-style speaking, I am a bit OCD, but it should read as "Thou hast had thy ass (or arse, if you want to de-americanize it) by an arachnid, dea sister," nothing major, or even important.
I still love this story. Good humor.
USDOD-21TXH
HIGHWATER-TROUSERS
RECIEVING ACTIVATION CODES:
X948KJ
L4IERU
ER32J7
ACTIVATION CONFIRMED
COMMENCING LAUNCH
TARGET: CANTERLOT BROOM CLOSET
Totally called it.
1338693 that is so... just..... D'AAAWWWWWWW! i love spiders, they are so ADORABLE!!
Well Tia.... good luck
1392917
files.sharenator.com/napalm_KILL_IT_KILL_IT_WITH_FIRE-s480x384-132463-580.jpg
Once again the back 'n' forth between Celestia and Luna had me laughing my ass off!
Do. Not. Stop. This is just too good.
lolbrary.com/content/67/killing-spiders-in-2012-23067.jpg
I would feel sorry for Celestia, but this is too damn funny. XD
THE SHIT HAS HIT THE FAN AND GOT KNOCKED INTO FIVE OTHER FANS!!!
Translation:
Whelp, there go the nukes.
1392993 Giggidy.
1392996 What, you mean these icons?dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/Luna_lolface.png dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/shrug_Luna_apple.png
Funny.
After the cobwebs bit i had a suspicion that eggs would be involved somehow. poor Celestia
C'mon, can't you Just Smash It With Your Hoof?
Twilight was right for the princess and the parasprites, She'll be screamin' like Twilight Predicted...
Can't believe No one made the reference....
I see Celestia going Team Fortress 2 Pyro on those spiders.
1393114 [color=red)MULTIPLE NUCLEAR LAUNCHES DETTECTED!!!
Am I the only person who can see celestia going "ok I'm done here is my crown Luna I am moving in with twilight."
Wait spider babies? Well I guess the only solution now is to use those nuclear launch codes hidden under your bed.
QUICK, BEFORE YOU GO CRAZY LIKE TWILIGHT DID! DO SOMETHING ABOUT THEM BEFORE THEY HATCH!
~ Scare
Oh come on you two. It's just some spiders. Deal with it.
~ Timid
This is quite possibly the greatest thing to have ever been published....