For the next two days, life continued normally. Well, as normally as you'd expect. Having Twilight Sparkle as my faithful student made it somewhat difficult to live a normal life, especially having scrolls fall on your head at any given moment. I dared not venture into Luna's room. I almost forgot about Atticus, seeing as Luna and I had come to agree upon not having our pets at the dinner table.
That all changed when one evening after dinner, I came trotting down our hall and found webs clinging to my hooves. Naturally, I did what most ponies do when ensnared in those infernal deathtraps.
Scream like a filly and run around in circles while trying to yank them off until I realized that tarantulas lived in webs. Or at least, made webs. And that meant they weren't far behind. That meant...
There was that burning, itching sensation again. A swarm of spiders engulfed my body. I screamed.
"STOP, DROP, AND ROLL!" I howled, stopping, dropping, and rolling like it was going out of fashion. "STOP DROP AND ROLL!"
My guards barely moved. One blinked. The other yawned.
"Sister? What on earth are you doing?"
I glanced up, seeing Luna's face twisted in a small smirk, trying to mask it behind a facade of concern.
"You," I growled, "you, he, it!" I held up my hoof for her to see. "He did this!"
Luna gasped in mock horror. "Atticus!"
In the blink of an eye, Atticus shot between us. I screamed and jumped up onto the ceiling again.
The irony was not lost on me.
"Did you make these webs, Atticus?"
The tarantula drooped slightly.
"Oh, I can't be mad at you, my itsy-bitsy spider."
There were many ways to describe that wretched thing, and "itsy" and "bitsy" were not words to use. That thing was the size of a dinner plate!
"Nocturne, Apollo!"
In an instant, her two Lunar Guards appeared in a shadowy wisp. They bore the same bored expression that my guards wore, except their eyes were slitted like a dragon's and had the wings of a bat.
"Make sure Atticus gets back to my room, and have these webs cleaned up!"
The guard I assumed who was Nocturne simply reached down and scooped up Atticus in his hoof, slipping him onto his helmet. I deemed it safe to come back to the floor, landing with a soft thump as I watched that brave soul carry the monster away. Apollo had a duster in his mouth as he began cleaning them up.
"I assure you, 'Tia, Atticus is harmless!"
"I'm not afraid of a spider."
"Tarantula."
"It does not matter," I said with a huff. "He does not scare me."
"Of course," Luna grinned. "Whatever you say."
Luna got the last word and began trotted away with the biggest smirk on her face.
"I know what you're doing!" I screamed after her. "I'm onto you! Do you hear me?"
This was bugging me, pardon the pun. I was going to have to show that spider (tarantula) who was large and in charge. And I don't mean large as in my juicy flanks (yes I saw you staring).
I frowned, looking at my figure in the mirror.
"Note to self," I said aloud. "Less cake."
I reached under my mattress and pulled out a briefcase containing weapons of mass destruction, opening it with a click.
"Let's see you survive this!" I rummaging around it. "Let's see here. Nuclear launch codes...C4...aha."
I raised the brick triumphantly into the air, hefting it several times in my magical grip before striding out confidently, telling my guards,
"If Luna asks, I'm in the kitchen."
They didn't even bother to ask why I was carrying a brick around.
I bucked open Luna's doors like a mare in an action flick, scanning the room for my target when I saw him, crawling around on her desk.
"You," I scowled.
The spider made no sudden moves. Yes, that spider (tarantula) was smart indeed.
"You listen to me, you parasite," I hissed, feeling a little braver. "If you're going to be Luna's pet, there's going to be some ground rules."
The tarantula moved along the table lazily. Did he even understand me?
"First off, don't be creepy. I'm sure this goes against your nature, but don't stalk me," I warned.
The arachnid stopped, turning slowly. It resumed whatever it was doing. I assumed it was making more webs.
"Or else," I added, holding up a brick. "See this?"
Atticus seemed to have a curious expression as he tilted his body, like a pony cocking their head in confusion.
"That's right. Your spider sense is tingling! This brick will be the death of you."
He raised his front legs. I raised my brick. It was the showdown of the century, I tell you. A tumbleweed rolled through the room.
Silence.
Atticus crept forward on her desk. I raised the brick even higher, and using a magical spell, ignited the brick.
"I have a flaming brick. You don't. Do we understand each other?"
He lowered his front legs.
"Good," I said, tossing the brick out the window. "Now that that's settled—"
Atticus jumped onto my muzzle. I felt his furry legs on my face, wriggling and gesticulating, as if he was trying to speak or convey something to me. Perhaps he was trying to tell me that he was going to conquer the world, or bite me in my sleep. Or maybe he was trying to be friendly.
Because the best way to be friendly is jump on somepony's face.
His red eyes were wide and innocent, but in that split second, I saw nothing but a tarantula on my face.
"AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"
I frickin' love this story!
Awesome first i hope
Oblig
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I love this story. Wonderfully written and the inside-jokes from the Brony community are priceless! Oh goodness, I died of laughter countless times throughout this story. Great job!
KILLITKILLITKILLITKILLITKILLIT!
WAR I TELL YOU! WAAAAAR!
*rallies anti-spider brigade*
Oh no she caught us staring at her juicy flanks!
lol wrong move Atticus!
I CANNOT THIS STORY. TOO MUCH FUNNY.
A flaming brick. A flaming brick.
That is wonderful.
God-damned tarantulas.
Tia gonna brick herself in the face!
1346654 I KNOW~! AND THEN I WILL DIE LAUGHING~!
Oh my...
That spider (sorry, tarantula) needs to die. Seriously.
Is Atticus a Goliath Bird Eating Tarantula? JW. XD
BWAAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!
... I've been encountering quite afew fics where my avatar fits into the story recently.
(She has nuclear launch codes, a giant gattling gun of some kind shouldn't be too far off.)
1339474 Australia, the only country that actively tries to kill you in as many ways as possible.
I'm putting this on read later for now, I'll check it out in a little while.
Bionicle title, anyone?
And then it was all a misunderstanding.
Tia is such a scaredy cat(I would have used TNT)
Poor Celestia.
When Celestia breaks out her trusty flaming brick, you know that this is about to get real. Kill it with fire (and bricks)!
Oh god.
Atticus - 3
Celestia - 0
.....Best. Story. Ever....besides Echo the Diamond Dog. Both of them.
1346723 Very much so, yes.
I think I have one of those guys lying around somewhere around here...
I have no idea why, but I'm reading Celestia's lines in GLaDOS' voice
AHHHHH FUCK I HATE SPIDRS! NOW MY SKIN IS CRAWLING! FUUUUCK!
I was hoping for a Bionicle reference of some kind. Like a dream where Atticus has Celestia sealed in a cocoon suspended high above the ground.
1346723 Duly noted.
KILL IT WITH FIRE BRICKS!
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Oh Atticus, what will you do next?
"boo"
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"Did I scare you Celestia?"
I love this so much. My own OC in the Fallout:Equestria universe has a pet spider, so reading this makes me think of funny ways a spider could act. plus, his wife is terrified of spiders, so this fits greatly, lol
You'd think Celestia would be able to make up an anti-spider shield around her.
I can just imagine Luna's reaction. "Tia? Why is there a burnt brick in my bedroom?" *Suspects her sister of threatening Atticus* "Celly, how could you even think of killing my pet? He can't just burst into flames and respawn like yours!"
He's trying to tell her he solved the Equestrian financial crisis! The national debt will be cut by more than nine tenths!
: "I have a flaming brick and you don't!"
ROFLMAO!!!
Freaking brilliant!
Let this last as long as possible, dear author. We need more Celestia vs. Atticus!...
Dat spider. I hope there's more!
1347084 " I HAVE NO DRUGS, I SWEAR!
I bet 20 bits on Luna may hide in the shadow in that room (and she's enjoying the show..)..
Celestia should throw this brick to her dear sister's flank..
The guards are probably placing bets...
1346629 I think you a word there
And the next chapter opens with Celestia waking up in the royal infirmary, severe concussion inflicted upon herself via brick.
Classic counter-move.
Oh my, such a fool you are making out of yourself, Celestia...
Excellent work!
Awaiting further releases.
1346931
Yes, them and their reverse-engineered panzerfisch.
1347450 That was on purpose, actually.
...I have a feeling my avatar should stay away from Celestia. Spider-powers or not, nobody likes a flaming brick to the face.
Awesome story man! Keep it up!
Celestia just can't win.
This story continues to make me laugh at its insanity. Good work!
As if a simple brick weren't enough! she had to go and set it on fire! Just to be sure!
Ya know Dennis, when you said that we weren't going to like this when you finished "My Roommate Is A Vampire" I was afraid that that you were going to write a grimdark story or clop... or both.
I am... pleased with your story. Not as much as I would have been if you had started A sequel to "My Roommate Is A Vampire" but still pleased nonetheless.
1345321 Did you hear that? That was sarcasm flying over your head.
...
Wait.