Thanks for the chapter! I always like a human story in Equestria, some may say that the first chapter was too rushed with a lot going on, but I say that it's still a good start as with it we can get a sense of Nick's character and that he is a good person. I will follow your story, waiting for the next chapter. And you already have my like.
But if I could know, at what point in history did he arrive? Is it still the first season?
My goodness not even first day and he nearly lost his arm man if I was in his position I don't know if I can handle blood loss like that. What gonna happen next.
You really, REALLY need to edit for grammar. I am not going to read a story when the author is unwilling to so much as capitalize the first word of a sentence.
One piece of advice, most people recognize thought as in italics, not bold or in parenthesis, like this;
Bringing my hand back down, I noticed blood.
Oh, Great
This isn't a set in stone rule, but more of a commonly accepted agreement.
(Lucky they teach you this in first aid class)
You've either already heard this a million times or you will; show don't tell. This line is supposed to tell us that he knows firse aid, however the scene itself already does this. We see the he knows first aid because he's using it, so this line isn't needed.
Earth?... What's that?
Said the earth pony Also, why would she assume he's talking about a planet?
You could really use and editor, but over all an okay start. I'll see where this goes for now.
11595064 Thank you for pointing that out for me, it's my first time writing a story I've have asked for a editor to help me but none of them didn't want to do HIE story so i gave up and tried my best.
But once again thank you for letting me know and I'll fix up this chapter soon
Not bad pacing, though some odd bits.. Let's say it wasn't a pocket knife, it was a survival knife. They are marginally throwable, being heavy at blade.
A few stray caps (Forest is a usual victim) and missing cap (everfree and applebloom). Her name's spelling needs some consistency, canon is Apple Bloom.
Comment posted by TwistedNonny deleted Jul 16th, 2023
I lifted my gaze, meeting her eyes. They were filled with genuine worry. I hesitated, then let out a sigh that felt like it carried my whole world with it. “No Apple bloom. I’m not alright, I’m not from this world”. I paused, letting the gravity of my words sink in. “I’m...from another world.”
A different world in the same universe, a parallel world in a different dimension, the same world but in a different time where the inhabitants have given it a new name and all knowledge of the old has been completely lost… might be a few other options there, but I look forward to the clues to the mystery.
Well, I decided to give your story a shot. For starters, coming out with an honest approach, I'm not a big fan of "waking up in the Everfree Forest with no clue how I got here" intros. It's not a deal breaker, but it's done more often than the show's intro, with about as much variety and leads to just as much excitement. That's not to downplay your story at all; it's more of an observation or nitpick. Same with immediately running into a Timberwolf and having to rescue a well-known character. Again, this is more of a nitpick, but introducing characters to any world has been done so many times that coming up with entirely original ideas is all but a fool's errand if you are not looking for something extreme or, well... something I can't think of because virtually everything has been done already.
I'm about halfway through the first chapter while writing this, and I notice the other issue of the main character rushing in to save the pony in distress despite not having a clue what his situation is or the severity of his threat was in this situation. Challenging a giant wolf made of timber with a pocket knife while not knowing his background seems illogical, not to mention his ability to be able to land the blow to the creature's eye.
Sure, fear and adrenaline were kicking in, but not much was conveyed in his thought process or lack thereof. Not even any afterthoughts, so I'm still left wondering why or how Nick is able to walk into everything so mentally sound.
That being said, I think the dialog flows along more than well enough to carry the story through so far. The exchanges between Nick and Applebloom don't sound forced or unnatural and don't make the grave mistake of data dumping all the vital information a reader would need to know in a spoon-fed manner right off the rip.
Also, while not many would compliment or probably care to notice, the simple details of continuity are thankfully kept intact. You introduce the pocket knife early on, then where he stowed it, as well as the spare piece of cloth. So, it wasn't a surprise when he brought out the knife to use on the Timberwolf, and the spare cloth played a function with Applebloom shortly thereafter.
I gotta compliment the good writing where it stands out. Having Nick go on one as opposed to three was a nice touch and kept things lively. Same with him interrupting her in the conversation to the point she was getting aggravated. Nice way to keep things natural and believable while also entertaining.
[Back to reading]
So, in the second fight with the three Timberwolves, I understand what you were going for, but then I think there was either a lack of understanding of timing or physical limitations a person is capable of when receiving the injuries you were suggesting. That, or the injuries, were made unclear of their severity. Maybe I'm also grossly underestimating the physical capabilities of Nick himself, as I have no idea of what he looks like, including his build, stamina, or tolerance. At the same time, you're describing their bites that are strong enough to shatter Nick's ribs and tear through the surrounding flesh, so I'm imagining massive muscle damage and possible severed tendons, not to mention a punctured to hamper his breathing and... I'm likely overthinking this. I've suffered bite wounds before and have some trauma training; my prior knowledge and research make me overanalytical of certain things.
Again, I'm giving honest criticism from my point of view of how things were presented, not saying that you're a bad storyteller. You certainly do have a way with the dramatics, and the fight does spike with the turnabouts and damage dished out, as well as his remarkable ability to walk away... limp away.
I might have wanted some parts to be a bit more detail-orientated, but I'm still enjoying the direction so far. I think Nick lacked a bit of self-preservation at the end of his dialog, but blood loss will do that to ya. Also, being a stranger in a strange land, surrounded by strangers, probably not wise to start making demands.... also the blood loss.
Overall, I'd say for a first chapter, it's really hard to try and gauge what to expect from this story. Details are heavily lacking on the basics of what type of world Nick has entered. It's easy to assume it canon to the show as we know it, and past the mark of Zecora being introduced, nothing beyond that. Where in the series are the characters? Twilight is only mentioned using her magic and Nick identifies her as a unicorn, but that could be a misdirection or him being mistaken. Regardless, there are plenty of seasons between Zecora being introduced and Twilight becoming a Princess. More importantly, Nick seems like a nice guy, but there are no defining details outside of being a human from Australia.
Granted, these are all items to be corrected and expanded upon in the upcoming chapters, but when starting things off, its nice to let us know these things.
Also, if you don't care for my commentary, let me know.
Thanks for the chapter! I always like a human story in Equestria, some may say that the first chapter was too rushed with a lot going on, but I say that it's still a good start as with it we can get a sense of Nick's character and that he is a good person. I will follow your story, waiting for the next chapter. And you already have my like.
But if I could know, at what point in history did he arrive? Is it still the first season?
My goodness not even first day and he nearly lost his arm man if I was in his position I don't know if I can handle blood loss like that. What gonna happen next.
You really, REALLY need to edit for grammar. I am not going to read a story when the author is unwilling to so much as capitalize the first word of a sentence.
Epic first chapter can't wait for more
11593983
I'll fix that on the next chapter and I'll go back on this chapter and fix it up soon.
I came in with low expectations and honestly......this was really fucking good, can not wait for more
11594110
Cool beans! I appreciate that. I shall read it as soon as the corrections are made. HiE stories are a guilty pleasure of mine.
One piece of advice, most people recognize thought as in italics, not bold or in parenthesis, like this;
This isn't a set in stone rule, but more of a commonly accepted agreement.
You've either already heard this a million times or you will; show don't tell. This line is supposed to tell us that he knows firse aid, however the scene itself already does this. We see the he knows first aid because he's using it, so this line isn't needed.
Said the earth pony Also, why would she assume he's talking about a planet?
You could really use and editor, but over all an okay start. I'll see where this goes for now.
11595064
Thank you for pointing that out for me, it's my first time writing a story I've have asked for a editor to help me but none of them didn't want to do HIE story so i gave up and tried my best.
But once again thank you for letting me know and I'll fix up this chapter soon
great start to a story!!!
hope he is well!
Nice beginning!
Just one tip, since you don't have an editor: pick a tense and stick with it. I will recommend the past tense.
aaand one nitpick:
heard Applebloom call
edout to me, before I lost conscience.I cannot in good conscience not bring this to your consciousness
Pretty good so far! Can't wait for more
Not bad pacing, though some odd bits..
Let's say it wasn't a pocket knife, it was a survival knife. They are marginally throwable, being heavy at blade.
A few stray caps (Forest is a usual victim) and missing cap (everfree and applebloom). Her name's spelling needs some consistency, canon is Apple Bloom.
Too many unnecessary exclamation marks
A different world in the same universe, a parallel world in a different dimension, the same world but in a different time where the inhabitants have given it a new name and all knowledge of the old has been completely lost… might be a few other options there, but I look forward to the clues to the mystery.
Well, I decided to give your story a shot. For starters, coming out with an honest approach, I'm not a big fan of "waking up in the Everfree Forest with no clue how I got here" intros. It's not a deal breaker, but it's done more often than the show's intro, with about as much variety and leads to just as much excitement. That's not to downplay your story at all; it's more of an observation or nitpick. Same with immediately running into a Timberwolf and having to rescue a well-known character. Again, this is more of a nitpick, but introducing characters to any world has been done so many times that coming up with entirely original ideas is all but a fool's errand if you are not looking for something extreme or, well... something I can't think of because virtually everything has been done already.
I'm about halfway through the first chapter while writing this, and I notice the other issue of the main character rushing in to save the pony in distress despite not having a clue what his situation is or the severity of his threat was in this situation. Challenging a giant wolf made of timber with a pocket knife while not knowing his background seems illogical, not to mention his ability to be able to land the blow to the creature's eye.
Sure, fear and adrenaline were kicking in, but not much was conveyed in his thought process or lack thereof. Not even any afterthoughts, so I'm still left wondering why or how Nick is able to walk into everything so mentally sound.
That being said, I think the dialog flows along more than well enough to carry the story through so far. The exchanges between Nick and Applebloom don't sound forced or unnatural and don't make the grave mistake of data dumping all the vital information a reader would need to know in a spoon-fed manner right off the rip.
Also, while not many would compliment or probably care to notice, the simple details of continuity are thankfully kept intact. You introduce the pocket knife early on, then where he stowed it, as well as the spare piece of cloth. So, it wasn't a surprise when he brought out the knife to use on the Timberwolf, and the spare cloth played a function with Applebloom shortly thereafter.
I gotta compliment the good writing where it stands out. Having Nick go on one as opposed to three was a nice touch and kept things lively. Same with him interrupting her in the conversation to the point she was getting aggravated. Nice way to keep things natural and believable while also entertaining.
[Back to reading]
So, in the second fight with the three Timberwolves, I understand what you were going for, but then I think there was either a lack of understanding of timing or physical limitations a person is capable of when receiving the injuries you were suggesting. That, or the injuries, were made unclear of their severity. Maybe I'm also grossly underestimating the physical capabilities of Nick himself, as I have no idea of what he looks like, including his build, stamina, or tolerance. At the same time, you're describing their bites that are strong enough to shatter Nick's ribs and tear through the surrounding flesh, so I'm imagining massive muscle damage and possible severed tendons, not to mention a punctured to hamper his breathing and... I'm likely overthinking this. I've suffered bite wounds before and have some trauma training; my prior knowledge and research make me overanalytical of certain things.
Again, I'm giving honest criticism from my point of view of how things were presented, not saying that you're a bad storyteller. You certainly do have a way with the dramatics, and the fight does spike with the turnabouts and damage dished out, as well as his remarkable ability to walk away... limp away.
I might have wanted some parts to be a bit more detail-orientated, but I'm still enjoying the direction so far. I think Nick lacked a bit of self-preservation at the end of his dialog, but blood loss will do that to ya. Also, being a stranger in a strange land, surrounded by strangers, probably not wise to start making demands.... also the blood loss.
Overall, I'd say for a first chapter, it's really hard to try and gauge what to expect from this story. Details are heavily lacking on the basics of what type of world Nick has entered. It's easy to assume it canon to the show as we know it, and past the mark of Zecora being introduced, nothing beyond that. Where in the series are the characters? Twilight is only mentioned using her magic and Nick identifies her as a unicorn, but that could be a misdirection or him being mistaken. Regardless, there are plenty of seasons between Zecora being introduced and Twilight becoming a Princess. More importantly, Nick seems like a nice guy, but there are no defining details outside of being a human from Australia.
Granted, these are all items to be corrected and expanded upon in the upcoming chapters, but when starting things off, its nice to let us know these things.
Also, if you don't care for my commentary, let me know.
My reaction to this chapter
😃