Hi. It's gapty. Read a fic today. Or don't. They're both the same to me. Just don't tell knighty I said that.
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Flash Sentry discovers that Sunset Shimmer lives in his house. To make it stranger, she has become a unicorn.
And to make it worse, she reminds him of everything that he has hidden inside himself.
This fic was written for Bicyclette's Flash Sentry contest. Be sure to check out the other entries!
Huge thanks to The Sleepless Beholder for prereading and to RDT for proofreading this fic!
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That was a good story.
Intrueging
So this has potential to be a very interesting story, however it feels rushed. The best way to describe it is you have the is pancake on your plate. It has a golden top and crispy edges, just like you like, so you take a bite expecting a warm, fluffy pancake with a hint of butter and syrup. But what you get is a sticky goo that is undercooked and all you can taste is the batter. Flash feels like a passive observer recounting the events of the day, not actively engaged with it. I could look past it in the beginning because he's not a more person, but tell how he feels, example:
Flash opened his eyes as his head pounded from the restless night. Pressing his hands into his eyes to dull the pain, he felt an unusual sensation wrapped around his foot. Not fully ready to deal with whatever childish prank Rainbow Dash had planned, he tossed the covers aside to reveal the fiery hair of his friend Sunset Shimmer. A sense of relief eased his mind as he reluctantly exited his warm bed.
"Who thought starting school at seven thirty was a good idea is an idiot," Flash whined as his feet hit the floor.
The guitarist awkwardly rose to his feet as wandered over to the bathroom, hoping that a cold shower will be enough to jolt his body awake. Looking back towards his bed he contemplated waking his friend, but decide against it. it was too early to deal with Sunset's temper, plus she knows when school starts.
I don't know if you were trying to keep it short, but I hope this helps. It's not perfect by any stretch of the imagination, but it should give you an idea of show vs tell.
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Flash Sentry is the passive observer, and in the morning his state is indeed on "autopilot modus". The long, interluded sentences, the way he just accepts everything, it's done for a hold off-reason.
Nonetheless, it made the realise what might've scared of others of this fic: By putting the character of Flash "down" and making it passive, I had to give something in return to make up the lack of character—which I didn't, at least not for the beginning. I can't expect the readers to stick with me until they figure out the reasons for certain weirdnesses, especially since the first chapter determines if one keeps reading the fic or not
I like this story a lot. It’s an interesting interpretation of Flash as a character, and not one I’ve seen before. I don’t mind that Flash is ‘passive’ here; that’s kinda what having depression can feel like, that you’re just kind of trudging through the day as it goes by around you.
I do think some of it’s a bit heavy-handed. Flash’s inner thoughts become really severe a little quicker than I thought they should, and with a bit less subtlety than was warranted. I also felt the end with the fight was kind of mood whiplash with how comedic it felt after everything that came before it.
Overall, though, I quite enjoyed this. Good work!
Reading this chapter I get very strong Autumn Blaze vibes from Sunset, based off of this and other things I don't think this is the real Sunset. (the one that came through the portal) This is purely based off of the unicorns inability to speak and her mannerisms, but I can be wrong. Plus knowing that Flash is a passive observer in this I'm trying to find out if he has any motivation. Currently, he is very much in a "woe is me" headspace and doesn't really do anything. However, I did enjoy the scene with him leaving the cafeteria as the mane 6 fight he monster; imagining him walking out of the cafeteria with his hands in his pockets as explosions and chaos ensue behind him, very fun.
Trying to piece together a lot of things in this chapter, but I'm drawing a lot of blanks. Still trying to understand the purpose or reason that Sunset was changed into a unicorn. Also trying to understand why Flash is so down on himself constantly; has he always been like this or is it because of Sunsets presences that it's causing this negative outlook on life. If the latter is the case I feel (up until this point) Sunset is doing way more harm than good for Flash. If she's there to help get him out of this funk, oh boy, she needs to step up her game. But, if she's there for another reason I have no clue what it is at the moment. The chapter itself is good, I'm just trying to wrap my head around the direction of the narrative.
makes me think of the famous opening lines of The Metamorphosis, love it
don’t worry Flash, your weird habits will be considered eccentric and fun when you are older! at least that is what i tell myself
oh yes certainly a lot of questions raised by such a scenario
hehe i am def imagining this look
media.tenor.com/zr35wwyyhVQAAAAC/mlp-eyebrow.gif
i mean as far as i can tell Sunset is the one acting inscrutably here!
i mean considering how nonchalant the response to the toaster monster was, i figure things like this happen all the time at CHS now
the development of Flash’s theory of mind is beginning to worry me a little
aww, he thinks so highly of Sunset even when she is clearly just watching trash TV to pass the time?
so true, ponies are people and should not be treated like cats even when they are the same size as cats and acting like a cat would
oh right, the series kinda wrote Flash off into the background and then brought on Sci-Twi! that must’ve been a trip
and oof! that tracks with Flash’s demotion in importance as well, since he seems oddly absent for someone who is supposed to be one of the most popular guys in school
and ooh, ominous!
this unicorn sure stares into nothingness a lot. and Flash being so sick and absent-minded is getting a bit sus. i am beginning to get creeped out!
i would say that this is a strange reaction but i actually find it quite understandable for someone crushing on Flash Sentry to do if they saw him walking around with a unicorn Sunset Shimmer
yes, surely this means that a unicorn is making them, and nothing more :)
and oof! i am guessing his spiraling self-hatred and feelings of worthlessness is an effect of this “Sunset”?
oooooo to be taken care of during a fever by Applejack!
oof! is that how Flash really feels?
augh i really do need more Rarity/Trixie interactions in my life
Biblically accurate alicorn?
ooh, interesting idea! that the Rainbooms being their world’s protagonists would affect the other students this way enough for an emotion-fueled Equestrian magic problem to spring from it is delightfully meta
aww, the Derpy throughline!
well that is very intriguing, though i admit that i feel like i am not making all of the connections i should to fully appreciate this! what i am getting out of it is that the creator of the empathy geode used them in a long-ago fight against this parasitic being, and that the magic of the geodes themselves is alive and aware of this conflict? but i am lost on how it connects to the quotes in the Author’s Notes, or to Flash Sentry. would be interested to know!
Ahha! I was correct in my assumptions, disregard that it took me four chapters to get it for I am smart.
So I get the erratic nature of Flash's dream at the beginning of the chapter but it was still difficult to follow for me. Then we awaken to Sunset sitting with Flash and we get to have a little heart to heart with the two, but I'm still not 100% clear on how the fake Sunset was defeat. Plus, what happened to the actually Sunset through all of these events? Where was she? What was happening to her? Did she have doubts the everyone would be able to pull together to save her? If you were going to include that, it should of been here. I want to know what was going on with Sunset since Flash is so disconnected with all these events even though he has some pretty intenese doubts. Allowing Sunset to share her doubts to Flash here would of done so much to help him feel understood, hell the whole Rainbow Rocks movie Sunset was an outcast to the mane 6, so she should know how it feels more than anyone. The components are there, but they're just not utilized to their fullest potential.
Agh, so many more questions! It was an intriguing story, but missed the mark in a couple of spots to really make it shine.
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I will just assume that because reading it over several weeks made you forget many details, so here I will explain every question you asked either with quotes or spelled out. Spoilers before, so to anyone else reading it, you've been warned:
Quotes from the story itself:
"Entering back into his room, Flash saw the being again as it was moving quickly around the room. However, with it was what seemed to be an red coloured light resembling an alicorn–its wings widely spread and from its horn beams of light being shot at the other being."
"His mind had the first coherent thought of connecting the state of the kitchen to the two beings he saw that slashed their paws or shot flashing lights at each other;"
"After a while, suddenly each of them glowed in an even brighter light than before, before they faded and lost their glowing. At least the sounds and flashing from the kitchen stopped too."
"Nonetheless, they rage against it, the geodes glow brightly whenever it’s near them, and I think I know how to help them. I need to make another one of them, give it the trait the being is making me feel, not to harm, but to help others, not to make one feel guilt, but compassion and empathy. This one will be the only one able to fight and defeat it."
"Making this new geode will channel all their rage into it. This rage will be too much for any bearer—even one geode right now is difficult to handle—but I’ll have to be the one. My last action shall be the one fixing my mistakes." (Letter)
And to put it blantly: Flash wears Sunset's geode, which makes him see how "unicorn Sunset" really looks like, and it materialises this Element/magic into an alicorn he also sees. While he wore it, the being and the Element of Harmony as the alicorn fought each other.
Quotes from the story itself:
"I hate being stuck here. I wish to be helpful.
You are! You try to find more information about it.
(Twilight writing with Sunset)
"she didn’t know though what exactly it did that Sunset couldn’t stay in the world, and the latter had refused to even mention anything related to that." (Flash thinking)
"“I bet you’re also happy that you’re back.”" (Flash to Sunset)
Quotes from Sunset:
"I—both.
It has to work.
I see nothing else.
Because I know that it won’t with me."
"“Yep. You can’t imagine how relieved I am that the plan worked.”"
"“I am,” Sunset responded. “But honestly, I’m more happy that you, my friends, the CHS-students, and everyone who helped to defeat it came through it harmlessly. This was something we seven were far from able to deal with alone.”"
First, the focus of the story was about Flash. Second, many of the question, as you can see, was already there.
But if it needs to be spelled out: Sunset was the whole time on the other side of the portal, because as the Element of Empathy, she has a very strong reaction to that being, as seen here:
"Sunset’s expression hardened immediately, as her eyes widened. Her chest moved quicker and quicker from her breathing. Suddenly, she shook her head.
“Let’s—Let’s not talk about what it did to me.” She took a deep breath and exhaled. “I’m sure that words wouldn’t be able to describe even a quarter of it, and I really don’t want to remember it.”"
From the letter: "Making this new geode will channel all their rage into it. This rage will be too much for any bearer—even one geode right now is difficult to handle—but I’ll have to be the one. My last action shall be the one fixing my mistakes."
So I don't really see how many of what you wrote applies. I'm thankful for you trying to help, but if it's clear to you that the story focuses on other parts then what you're looking, and when you try to search in it for something else, then I don't see how forcing yourself trying to read through it will help anyone out. It's clear that the story confused you, and I'm fine with that, but many "questions left remaining" are answered and on the plate presented.
Yes, the beginning is confusing, yes, Flash is acting passivly and it's for a longer time not clear what is going on, especially with the unicorn Sunset, but the way I write is answering these questions later on, and it seems you missed it, trying to search for something else.
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Later in the future: "Mum, why aren't we talking ot Grandpa Flash?"
"He drinks tea with milk"
*Panic screaming*
Wall: Breaks down
Students: Yay! No exam!
Sunset: *Plays video game*
Flash: How selfless, she wants to learn of human culture.
Sunset: *starts cursing and throwing her controller at the wall*
Flash: And she destroys them to buy a new one, boosting the economy of our state with her own money.
But what if they want to be petted?
Once the seventh geode was created, the rage of the Equestrian magic and countering its effect has been focused entirely in the seventh Element.
With the author notes, they are basically quotes connecting it in some way to the current chapter, in this case, how the punishment is being felt on the body of him: The parasitic being that was made through his abusing of Equestrian magic.
Once he created the seventh one, the being was put to sleep, but the collective doubts awakened it, and it chose to stay at Flash, as he was the most affected it and having the best ground of feeding from and adding more doubts to him.
There is a slight headcanon I sticked with here, where Equestrian magic in itself is slightly sentient/aware on its own.
Thanks also to anyone else for commenting on this story