I gamed, I saw, I shiped it all!
Sucked through an inter-dimensional rift James finds himself in a world he does not know.
(This is the first BIG story I will attempt on this site so please rate, comment, and leave your feedback because it all helps. Thanks)
-Knight
NOTE: Suicide/self harm tag is only for one small part
Editor: Majestic_Donut
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Got to say, good story so far. I do think that it's going a little too fast. But keep on going with this story of yours, I wonder what's next for James
Could have used a bit more description on what these rips look like. Is there a signature glow of sorts? Some sort of light distortion?
Interesting premise so far, though that first chapter went by wayyy to quickly xD, could've used a little more buildup.
Of course it's up to you, but usually I'd put your prologue to at least a thousand words to properly introduce the main character in. Same for this first chapter, I'd recommend taking it a little slower and being a tad more descriptive in some areas.
This bit went from "began to sing" to "Once I had finished" immediately. For something like a song, I'd recommend at least taking a paragraph to describe a little more of what you're singing. Doesn't have to be specific or anything, but something like mentioning the tone, the pace, the rhythm would've added a lot more to this moment! James is singing while playing the guitar at the same time; at least one of those could've been explored in a bit more detail.
Also might want to space your paragraphs more, typically a single whitespace between paragraphs or lines of dialogue. This not only makes it easier on readers, but it also makes it easier for quoting passages from the story (passages are determined by whitespace, so not putting any for long sections makes Fimfiction think there's only 4 paragraphs here.
I'd recommend splitting up paragraphs when the speaker changes as well.
Overall really good premise and start. I wish you the best of luck on your endeavor with this story. I am not sure how long "big" is for you in writing, but it can certainly be hard to keep up a story idea without burning out. Make sure you establish a few fixed points throughout your intended plot that are absolute, no matter which direction you take the story in between them.
11506865
I do appreciate your comments. It really helps and I know I need an editor to help me. I'll see about revising the first chapter.
Thanks for your feedback and I hope to update more soon.
-Knight
I'd have to agree with 6-D Pegasus. Your descriptions are "okay" to me, however, I'd love it if you could have written longer chapters than these two short introductions to your character James.
Some people likes chapters that are about 3,000-5,000 words (a recommendation on novel-length chapters), yet others love big ones between 6,000-12,000 words. It makes the story flow better, have more description as to who and what appearance the main protagonist of this story have, and how much gap you need to fill in order to have the chapter "complete". I'd recommend spending more than enough time to polish your chapters (as well as proofread them without putting uppercase'ed words, like OWEN).
Thought I'd share my bit of criticism to you. Your story does have potential, no doubt about that. Keep goin'!
11545392
Thanks for your feedback, I'm working on getting an editor which should make this story a bit stronger. As for chapters, I don't always have the time for big long chapters as I have too many things on my plate to deal with first. This kinda is a side project. I do get where you're coming from. I will collaborate with my editor (when I get one) to work out the kinks and make the chapters flow better and make them longer to Improve the reading experience. Thanks again for the feedback it's always appreciated. Happy Reading.
-Knight
11545411
You're welcome! And thanks for considering the chapter length. Good luck in finding an editor!
11545411
Hello! Are you still looking for an editor? I can’t guarantee I’ll be very quick about it, but I will be accurate and the story will be better than it was before 😊 (I still have a life and a job as well as finals I’m studying for, but mostly work life will take up a lot of my time since I’m very passionate about it 😁)
YES! Thank you. I totally understand the job and everything. I will greatly appreciate your help
Thanks again.
-Knight
11576713
Dang, not sure how I missed this reply (guess I missed it in my notifications) but glad to help! I decided to read chapter one to see what I had to work with (and the chapters are super short, so editing will be easy enough) and, sorry/no offense but… I didn’t read past the first sentence before downloading the text and copying it to my notes app for editing 😂😅 From what I’ve read so far (4ish sentences) you have an issue with being able to write sentences that make sense, are properly structured, and they tend to be run on sentences. It’s not the worst grammar I’ve seen (thank Faust), but it definitely needs help and I’m glad you’ve asked for it! One thing I need to note however (and should have thought about before I even offered to edit) is that I specialize in humor/comedy fanfics and write in a manner that is brief and to the point.
What this means is that if you are looking for an editor to help add meat to your stories, I am not your person (especially if you need more meat/description/fluff for the gore scenes, which are a complete opposite to comedy fics 😅). However, if someone’s story has received repeated criticism for the overuse of purple prose (look it up in FimFiction) or being too wordy, I can help there.
My skills (advantages):
- Grammar correction (capitalization, punctuation, sentence structure, etc.)
- Spicing up stagnant or stiff stories (with humor or other such methods of creative writing and vocabulary)
- Fixing purple prose or excessive wordiness/fluff
Weaknesses:
- Can’t ADD fluff or scenery to a story well (world building so to speak)
- I may struggle with balancing negative moods like dark, gore, violence, self-harm, etc. because those are very distant from my style/genre of writing.
Side note, 1) I will not edit stories rated M no matter the genre (not that this will affect you, this story is rated T, but still) and 2) I can only edit short chapters and stories (chapters around or less than 3k words and stories around 10-15k words or shorter are ideal for me. If you ONLY need grammar fixes, the stories can be longer, but not the chapters.)
Oof this is long… main point, you’ll need a separate editor to help you with descriptions/world building/slowing down the story (I also write kind of fast-paced, but that works for comedy fics). As far as this story goes, I can only really help with grammar and sentence structure. Sorry 😞
Thanks for the shoutout Knight! But imma “she” 🙃 I also need to slow down and re-read through my edits more closely because I found another glaring error that will bug me for life if I don’t fix it 😂😅
Correct that last sentence and remove the last “while” and replace it with a period “.”
Aka: “while a large window filled out the back wall behind James’ desk. His chair was facing this window.”
Again, glad to help! I’ll be getting to those next chapters soon! 😊
11506864
This any better? Honestly don’t know how to describe something like a rip in space time without going overboard or being too basic, so humor will have to work
11545392
Hello! Editor here. All the critiques and feedback make it really helpful for me to know what to fix and how 😊 Thanks for that. As for the all caps word OWEN, that’s not a mistake, it’s and acronym for James’ car computer (Like Alexa, but that isn’t an acronym for anything). I think the revised chapter one mentioned what the acronym represented, but I don’t remember. I guess to make it more clear this is an acronym I’ll edit these references to put a period “.” Between each letter 😊
Nice, love it!
Definitely some grammar and spelling errors, but that’s Future Donut’s problem 😀
Yeah I also could self-edit the grammer errors because I shouldnt make any but I have ADD so my grammer just tanks. So I'm really glad your here.
-Knight
Hey all! Editor Donut here to say the bar song is here! https://youtu.be/cUUxwXe9xzQ
Words by me, guitar linked in the description, parody to "Rewrite the Stars"
11506865
Editor here! How about a whole parody? 😂
https://youtu.be/cUUxwXe9xzQ
Words by me, guitar linked in the description, parody to "Rewrite the Stars"
Okay… but why? 😂
It will make sence later on but feel free to share your consens.
-Knight
Finally got around to reading the last chapter 😅 It's actually great! If I ever remember to catch up on editing this story, I'd only need to do a few very basic edits (Mostly punctuation and correct "Sorin" to "Soarin"). This was fun to read! Hope you get back to writing soon (I'm getting back to it).
As for making the cover image, I'll get to it sometime this week, just bug me constantly here or on Discord about it so I don't forget (again) 😅
Hey glad to hear from you. Thanks to ADHD this has been on hold for some time. I'll get back at it soon. Thanks
-Knight