Chapter 31: ...
So... you know those days, the ones when you just feel like shit and are just sad all the time and you just want to lay down on a couch instead of your bed. The kind of days that make you wish you could just hug someone and stay like that for the entire day, or when you just couldn't make yourself focus on anything and just wanted to go to sleep but couldn't because your useless piece of shit brain kept playing a compilation of every mistake you have ever made.
Well, I was having one of those days.
I had no sleep yesterday. No matter how tired I was, I just couldn't sleep. That's alright, I could just do other stuff, right? Wrong. I had just lost motivation to do anything really. The biomancy stuff was collecting dust in my basement ever since I invited Twilight and her friends to check it out. I guessed it was the whole 'watch two people run away in disgust' thing that had made me just lose all interest.
That had left me with a lot of unwanted free time, and in that time, my thoughts had taken me to places I didn't want to go to. Places that made me wish I was just like, incapable of thought.
Despite saving me from my free time, work didn't really seem engaging, but I'm not complaining about that; it's far better than working in a godforsaken fast food place that makes you want to take a long walk off the roof of a really tall building.
I'd probably have hung out with Brush but she was away at Canterlot for something, probably work, leaving me with only my thoughts, and I hated that. If I were in my old world, I'd have the internet's poisonous yet warm embrace to distract myself, and honestly, I thought magic would be a good replacement for that, but there was something wrong with me and I just couldn't feel engaged by anything.
I guess I just had to make it till tomorrow and see if it gets better.
"Anya," Twilight said, interrupting me from my thoughts.
"Hmm?" I responded, jumping a bit in my chair.
"Are you alright? This is the third time I've called you."
Huh, I guess my mind wandered a bit too much.
"What is it?" I asked, returning to tapping my hoof on the desk like I had been earlier.
"Are you alright? You haven't really talked or anything since you came in."
"And?"
"And you look terrible."
"I know that as well; you're not the only one with a mirror in your bathroom."
"What? No! I don't mean it like that!"
"..." I kinda hoped that Twilight would give up on trying to get me talk about my problem and let me rot in my own mind.
Twilight didn't give up though, and kept on trying to get me to talk. "Look, you look tired and sad, and I know that something is bothering you, and I figured that I should help you out."
I would have snarked back, probably causing unnecessary conflict, but I was just too tired to do that. Instead, I responded, "Look, Twiggles, I'm just having a shitty day because of reasons that would take too long to explain. Just leave me and I'll probably forget about the problem by tomorrow."
He ears folded down, showing that I had discouraged her. Then, they went back up and Twilight looked determined. I could tell that there wasn't anything I could do now, except maybe delay the inevitable questions she'd ask me. I looked over at the clock and saw that I had another hour till five. I guess one hour would be enough to come up with answers.
"Twilight, I know you want to help but could we do this later, like, after work?"
She didn't see that I was stalling and just nodded, probably thinking that I just wanted privacy or whatever.
Once she was gone, I began thinking out all the ways the conversation could go, and how I'd answer stuff.
The hour had passed quickly, and in that time, I hadn't come up with anything, like, my brain just refused to think straight. Of course, not like planning out the conversation would have been useful, but it would at least give me an idea of what might happen and what I could say.
But then, I could just go now. Twilight was upstairs right now and I could just leave for home, maybe write some excuse on a note for her before I left, but something in me told me to stay, that talking would help me from my sadness.
I would have ignored the stupid wishful thought any other day but I felt too much like shit to do so today.
I slumped in my chair, wishing that Twilight would be down quick since I just wanted to go home and lie down on the couch and sleep. Twilight took some time but came downstairs to my desk. "Why don't we go upstairs? I could get you some coffee."
"K."
I would have said no but coffee sounded nice. I got up and followed Twilight upstiars to her home. There, she had me go sit on her living room couch and wait a few minutes. She came back with two mugs of black coffee. I'd have said no to drinking it since it tasted like crap but that would have been rude.
I took one of the mugs and took a sip, the familiar taste of liquid trash filling my mouth. Coffee sucked ass when it wasn't exactly like you wanted it.
"It's good, right?" Twilight asked, taking a seat next to me.
"No," I answered, taking another sip from the mug. "Black coffee tastes terrible."
"Uh, why are you drinking it then?"
"Unfortunately, I have not had proper sleep in quite some time and this thing helps, unless you have a can of soda or some energy drink. Don't care if it's strawberry or cherry flavoured garbage either." I finished by downing the entire cup of the bitter liquid garbage that some losers are somehow able to call a drink. The one and only positive effect was that I was now more awake.
"... I have that stuff, but I don't think I can give you it, especially after you just drank that coffee."
"Twilight, my heart won't explode; my body is used to high amounts of caffeine and I'll be alright."
Despite my assurances, Twilight didn't get me a can of soda, meaning that I had the taste of fucking black coffee in my mouth and would have it for some time. Instead, she looked concerned.
"You know that that isn't a healthy lifestyle."
"I don't have an incentive for living a healthy life, and honestly, some of the parts of a truly healthy life are unachievable for me to reach, like the whole 'not half blind' or the 'don't need an inhaler' part are straight up impossible."
She looked at me sadly after I finished saying that. I thought about my words and realised that it might have been a bit sad to hear, but it wasn't really sad; I was just too much of a lazy bitch to fix my problems unless I get something out of it.
"So, uh," Twilight said, trying to change the topic of our conversation. "Your biomancy, have you done anything else with it?"
"No," I replied immediately, feeling worse now that she asked about my stupid interest that I latched onto for like just two days.
"Why?"
"Don't feel like it anymore."
My answer was pretty underwhelming to Twilight, that I could tell by how her ears drooped. "Just... don't feel like it?"
"Yes, Twilight. I don't feel like it."
"Was it because of Rarity and Rainbow?"
It was because of them, yes, but mostly Rainbow since she was the one who directly took a shit all over whatever idiot excitement I had yesterday after turning a single, half-baked, untested idea into reality. However, I doubt I would have kept doing stuff for long even if they hadn't come and made me sad.
"Yes."
"You shouldn't let that get in the way of your work," she said, as if it were some wonderful magic cure to my problem. That made me annoyed.
"Look, Twilight, things don't work like that. I would have lost interest even if Rainbow wasn't a cunt," I began my explanation. Twilight almost recoiled at my accurate description of her friend, but I continued, "Think of it like this: You know how a matchstick works, right?"
"Of course I d-"
"So, you know how when you light a match, it's a pretty big flame, but then it becomes really small, and then steadily becomes big again?"
Twilight nodded.
"So, my interest in stuff is like that. I just learn something really cool and I'm going all excited like a stupid idiot, thinking about all the stuff I could do, but then once that high is gone - usually when I move past the basics and onto actual stuff - I lose all that excitement that keeps me motivated, and the end result is usually me giving up. If Rainbow hadn't thrown water all over the matchstick when it was still burning super bright, it wouldn't have mattered, because this match would have lost the flame the moment it became small.
So, Twilight, even if I somehow figured out how to not feel bad because of others, I'd end up feeling bad because of myself and my stupidity, and there's no way to deal with that."
My explanation was pretty crap, if you ask me, but it put my feelings into words somewhat.
"Well, how can you be sure that you'd give it up when you never even got to that point in that first place?" she asked, not understanding my troubles.
"I am confident that I know myself better than you do, unless you have been there for every moment of my life but if that were the case, that'd be weird, but you'd agree with me."
Twilight looked like she was starting to lose her patience, which was alright if she just let me go but I had a feeling that she wouldn't do that.
"Why do you think so pessimistically about things?"
"Life is disappointing most of the time."
"How are you so sure of that?"
My outlook was starting to make her angry, and I understood that she was probably sheltered to a degree, and that it would be better if we stopped talking. Twilight probably didn't know that, and I had to explain it to her.
"Look, Twilight, I know that you want to help me and all that, but I think it'd be better if we just ended this conversation and went home. I'll be mostly alright by tomorrow."
"No! I'm going to help you now and that's final!"
Yeah, no, she wasn't doing any of that helping thing. Instead, she was starting to boss me around and now I was really annoyed.
"Y'know, I can just leave," I began, hoping that would bring Twilight back to her place.
"What if I stop you?" she replied foolishly, blinded by her own want to do good.
"I'm your boss. I can just fire you in retaliation and that's the least I can do." This threat worked a lot better, with Twilight suddenly realising just what she was saying and to who she was saying it to. The room was quiet for a bit, until Twilight spoke again.
"Sorry, I- I just want to help you," she apologised, lowering her head and looking at the ground. "Like, I don't want to see ponies around me unhappy."
My ears drooped a bit on hearing that. I was just being an asshole even when she was just trying to help me, and that made me question if I deserve the help.
"Look, if you want to help me then don't feel bad because of me and my stupid problems. Just enjoy what you have instead of wasting time fretting about my life and all of its problems because that's my problem and not yours."
Twilight definitely didn't agree with anything I said. "Does it make you happy if I don't help you?"
"No, but it doesn't make you go through unnecessary trouble. I'm going now."
With that, I left Twilight's home and started making my way to mine. I didn't feel great, since not only did I feel like shit after all that existential thinking crap I did last night, but I also made Twilight sad over it. I really should figure out some way to deal with my stupid problems that doesn't involve making others help me.
I lay on my couch with a blanket, waiting for sleep to come to me, but I was just getting bugged by that one question that everyone seems to have an answer to, but not me since I was just dumb I guess.
"Voth," I called out. Voth's voice was in my head as expected. "I have a question."
"WHAT IS IT?"
"I was thinking last night, what will I do after I get you your thing?"
"LIVE YOUR LIFE."
"No, like, what will I do with my life after you're gone? I don't really have a goal or anything."
"LIVE YOUR LIFE."
"Are you saying that because you don't have an answer?"
"NO THAT IS THE ANSWER." I could feel Voth looking at me weird. Heh, I managed to weird out an eldritch thing. Voth continued, "YOU USE YOUR RESOURCES AND SKILLS AND MAKE A GOAL FOR YOURSELF AND LIVE YOUR LIFE AS YOU SEE FIT."
That answer made me feel bad. I didn't know what I would do after Voth was gone. Would I just drift around like I had in my previous world? Just go around, doing stuff only to leave it quickly since I wasn't good at it immediately? Should I just work more so that I could distract myself from the question?
"Voth, do you have a sleep spell?"
"YES I DO HOWEVER IT WILL MAKE YOU HAVE NIGHTMARES."
Whatever, I didn't want to think about life and the spell would be good enough for me.
"Cast it on me and download it in my brain after that."
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I am impressed you confused an eldritch horror. But, um, they should talk to someone about their depression and also get sleeping pills. I think that will be better than constant nightmares for 2 reasons.
1) Nightmares suck
2) It will attract Luna sooner or later
11901646
the eldritch horror when the pony is sad (why doesn't she just do something to make herself happy, is she stupid?) :
11901690
Yes yes they are stupid
11901899
Fixed, thankies for telling
Pfft she's a savage then. Black coffe is the best no cap 💯. Get these "nay" sayers outta here.
11902181
kinda like that, but the mouth is towards one end instead of the middle, there a lot more eys all over the top, and its pink-red colour, I'll make some art probably
11902184
Anya has opinions that might be L or W, but she don't force it on anyone
Thanks for the chapter