A Rainbow’s Shadow
A single lightning bolt cracked outside, revealing two silhouettes in the abnormally dark room, too quick for anything else to be seen. Thunder soon followed, shaking floor and walls of the massive, hollow tree. Storms like this were rarely seen in Equestria, but this was not a common night. Lightning flashed again,even more fierce than the last, this time showing in full detail of what was going on, if only for a couple seconds.
“I..I’m sorry”
“What are you waiting for?”
Again the thunder rolled over the library, more turbulent and profound than those before it. The storm was getting worse by the minute. It was far past the middle of the night; The storm was not one planned by the weather team, and too dangerous to forcefully remove. Lightning struck again, far closer than any that night, shining an almost blinding light through the window revealing the many drops of water clung to it. The room shone brighter than ever possible during the day for a few more seconds. Thunder hit with the lightning in tandem, like it was finally able to catch up to the song in an orchestra. And the choreographer was a pegasus lifting her hoof over another pony’s head in synch with the earth shaking, tears and anguish in her eyes.
“Just...just do it!”
Lightning hit again and again. She didn’t like the lightning. Not because the danger they hold or the thunder it bring, but because the light it created. The light that makes her have to look at the pony she shared memories with. The one that always helped her through tough times and peril. The one who she has always loved as a friend and in the end as a soul mate. The same friend that she had to kill that stormy night.
o.0.o
2 days earlier
“Rainbow!” Twilight yelled over the foggy ravine. “Don’t listen to them!”
The shadowbolt across the cliff looked at them, eyes glowing, and closing the fog around them to conceal the cyan pegasus from her friend’s view and influence.
“Well?” The dark figure asked in a sinister, yet enticing manner.
Rainbow Dash put her hoof to her chin in thought as the shadowbolt waited for the answer she was looking for. To be able to break up the group that was seeking to destroy with just a simple rouse.
“You-” Dash said, pointing a hoof at what she thought was a pony in front of her, who grinned in satisfaction of her plan coming to fruition.
“I want to join you”
“Then lets get you in costume” The shadowbolts dissipated like dust in front of her, then began to form into one magical wisp. It began to circle her feet, getting faster and faster until it created a small vortex around her. That was when the pain started. She screamed in agony.
“Rainbow!”
It was like her coat was being ripped by timber wolves and the skin below was being burned by fire. The vortex was gaining even more speed. The pain was getting worse, not just physical, but she could also feel her mind being pinned by something that felt heavy inside her. The presence began to rip away her thoughts and worse, her feelings. She could feel her wings shrivel and die, feathers falling off and skin drying up.
She could no longer scream. Her throat was intact and she had the ability, but she no longer had control of her body and mind. The pain continued, and with every second going by she could feel herself change physically and mentally. She watched in horror as her wings began to transform into a featherless, leather apangage that her bones shone through. She tried again to scream, but nothing happened.
‘Rainbow’ A separate voice entered her mind, one she recognized as the pony there were after. Nightmare Moon.
‘Rainbow, It’s time to fulfill your purpose Rainbow Dash. It’s time to wake up. Wake up and kill your friends’
o.0.o
Rainbow Dash woke up with a cold sweat pouring over her. She has been having nightmares every night for the past month and she didn’t know why. They were of all the same thing. It always had to do with the night that her and her friends defeated Nightmare Moon using the Elements of Harmony and her being taken over by the Nightmare that she figured took over Luna. But they were getting worse by the night and have only recently started to wake her from her sleep.
She moved herself from her bed and towards the the bathroom. It was early morning and she would soon have to do her daily job of putting the weather system on track before the sun fully rose past the horizon. She turned on the sink and ran her face under the cold water. She wanted to get the thoughts lingering in her mind out. She knew how it really happened that night and she knew she would never betray her friends like she always seemed to do in her nightmares. Turning off the faucet she looked above the sink where a mirror hang. She had bags under her eyes and her coat was pale as if she was sick. The nightmares have kept her from sleeping when she needed to and she already did little sleeping outside of naps as it was. And despite having an early day job, she was anything but a morning pony
Rainbow dried her face with a towel and headed for the door. She knew that some hard work will get her mind off of it. She had a small drizzle to set up over the town so that crops can grow and wells wouldn’t dry. She may not like the early morning, but she loved her job like nothing else. With a push off her front door, she was in the sky and already forming clouds.
It had only taken the cyan pegasus an hour to get the skies filled with rain clouds ready to do their own job. Another perk to her job: Once she was done for the day she, she had the rest of the day to hang with her friends. Pinkie Pie was always a good choose for a good time. She shifted on the cloud she was sitting on, so that she was facing Sugercube Corner that was barely visible through the cloud layer. With a jump, her wings were at her side and she was off towards her destination.
o.0.o
“Oh come on twilight. Please please pleeeeeease?”
“I said no pinkie Pie,” Twilight Sparkle said, getting a bit aggravated at Pinkie Pie’s way of never letting go when she wants something. “I am not going to use my magic to give your treats an enchantment that makes ponies party...that’s just too dangerous”
“Awwwww,” Pinkie whined, “But-”
“No, no buts” Twilight objected by putting her hoof in the pink pony’s mouth
“Hmmph hmm hmph” Pinkie tried to talk around the purple hoof, but Twilight just looked straight into her eyes with a stern look.
“No.”
“Hmmph hmm”
“Good,” Twilight let her free to speak again. “Now can i get those muffins i ordered Pinkie?
“Okie dokie lokie,” she said as she bounced to the kitchen to finish the baked goods for her friend. “Just give me an eensy teensy bit and I’ll be right out.”
Twilight, glad for the rare moment of silence, took out a book from her saddlebags and took a sit to read. After a couple minutes of surprisingly uninterrupted silence, the bell on the door jingled, catching the attention of Twilight.
“Oh hey Rainbow,” Twilight said, happy to see a friend that was at least sane. “What brings you here?”
“Oh nothing really. Just looking to see if Pinkie is free to hang”
“Oh, well she’s making me some muffins. I’m not sure if you’ll be able to do anything though. Mr and Mrs. Cake are on vacation to Canterlot with the little trouble makers”
“Oh,” Rainbow said with a frown.
“But,” Twilight sang with a happy voice and a smile, “I was actually hoping to bump into you today”
She reached into her saddlebags with her magic and pulled out a book, levitating it in front of Dash’s eyes, that then begin to widen with uncontrollable glee.
“The new Daring Doo?” She beamed, “But how? This isn’t even supposed to be out yet!”
“Being the princess’s personal student can have it’s benefits,” She explained with a slightly smug smile, “Luna is actually a big fan of the series and already finished it, so she gave it me when i asked. I hope you like it.”
“Like it?! I love it. Thank you Twilight,” She gave her a hug under the still floating book, “you are the best egghead, you know that?”
Twilight began to blush, “Just take it, I’m getting tired holding it”
Dash grabbed the book with her hoofs and hugged it to her chest and let a small giggle escape. She would at least have something to do for a while now. Even though Twilight could get on her nerves every now and then, she was still a good friend to have. As she began to open it to get a peek at the new adventure that awaits her, she could sense something about to close in on her. Something dangerous. Something not to trifle with. Something...pink.
“DASHIE!”
A pink blur crashed into Rainbow with a massive surprise hug from behind. Even with sensing the friendly attack, Dash couldn’t keep on her feet from the force of the pink ball that smashed into her. She fell over onto her face and for a second felt nothing. But then a shock of pain ran through her whole body the next. It was then she, and pinkie, realized that she has smacked her eye against the corner of the table. Pinkie Pie got off her friend quickly and put a hoof to her mouth, eyes starting to water a bit. Rainbow sat back on her haunches and put a hoof to her eye.
“Ow”
“Oh my, I am so sorry Dashie, I didn’t mean to-” Pinkie started to plead for forgivness.
“Pinkie it’s-Ow-fine. It was just an accident” Rainbow left her hoof against her eye and tried to give her friend a reassuring smile.
“Rainbow let me have a look at it” Twilight moved in to check to see how bad the injury might be.
“No, it hurts if i try to pull away” She tries again and winces at the lightning bolt of pain.
“Please. we may need to get you to the hospital” Twilight pleaded to her pegasus friend.
At that statement, Pinkie began to look sick. She hadn’t meant to do hurt Dash, and to think that she might have hurt her enough to cause a trip to the hospital. She didn’t like that thought at all. She tried to think of a way to smile again, just for a moment, but drew blanks.
“Ugghh, I really don’t want to end up back there again,” Dash said with a sick look, “But I’ll take your word for it Twi”
“Good” Twilight moved closer to Dash and slowly helped her move her hoove away from the eye. After her hoof was no longer obscuring the eye, a bruise could already be seen forming under it.
“Open your eye, I need to see if you ruptured a vessel”
Dash did as she was told and opened her eye, even though doing so cause pain to ripple through her face. What she didn’t expect was the audible gasps she got from her friends.
“What?! Is it that bad?” Dash panicked, putting her hoof to her eye again. “Am i gonna need an eyepatch?” As cool as she thought that might be, she didn’t want to miss any work because of sight problems.
“No, but...that isn’t normal?” Twilight began to contemplate her next actions and how to tell her friend what’s happening. It’s hard to do when you don’t know the answer to the said question.
“What do you mean? Tell me!” Dash was starting to get a little frustrated at twilight’s hesitance. Pinkie just stared at her quietly. Why were they both staring like that.
“Here”
Twilight levitated over a mirror and kept it in front of Dash’s face. She could now see the bruise that was forming, already threatening to swell her eye shut. She once again put a hoof to the eye and winced at the pain. Realizing she shouldn’t do that anymore, she put her hoof back down. She opened her eye as far as she could to see why her two friends were so stunned.
“What the...hay?”
What she say was not her eye. It couldn’t be. What she saw wasn’t what it should be. Her right eye was no longer the beautiful pink color it should be. In fact, nothing was the same. What she saw was the white of her eye turned to a dim blue. Her Iris was a much darker and menacing blue, unlike the gentle blue of Pinkie’s eyes. But the worst and most confusing thing she noticed was her pupil. It wasn’t round like it should be. It was a sharp oval shape similar to spike’s eyes.
“What...Why is my eye like this?” Rainbow whispered more to herself than the ponies around her.
“I think...I think i know where I’ve seen eyes like that before,” Twilight said with an uncertain and worried voice, causing an Dash to glance her an evenly worried, but curious look.
“Nightmare Moon”
Hi anybody that was willing to read this! Let me start off by apologizing. This is my first ever fanfiction and i have no idea how it is. It only got edited by me, for i couldn't find a pre-reader or editor, so i apologize for any sloppyness. If i am being an OW please let me know and i will just stop.
I am grateful if you even made it this far. Thank you
And i don't have any tags well, because i am really not sure exactly where i am going with this story. I just decided to sit down and write.
A few typos, but an interesting start.
This one you'll kick yourself over: foals. Not fouls. :)
>>archonix
I'm always leery of fics which start out with, "this is my first time" as they're usually pretty bad, the author knows this and they're hoping for sympathy. Typically that means they're getting something else. We all had to start somewhere and it doesn't always mean that we got a break when we did. Writing is not something you just do, it's something that is within us that needs to come out.
Okay first glance, I'm pleased. Your structure is very nice. Too many times I'm confronted with poorly formatted and wall of text stories. Some minor issues with indenting, if you indent all your paragraphs you should do it with all, even the ones that are just a sentence long.
Minor gramattical issues such as spacing between paragraphs.
Too many sentences starting with "She". You need to break that up, maybe find another word or way of starting them.
Proper names should always be capitalised. Pinkie Pie, Twilight Sparkle, Rainbow Dash, etc.
When a pony is speaking and continuing a thought outside the quotes, you need to use a comma. Sometimes you do this, sometimes you don't. And if the thought is being continued, the next word should not be capitalised unless it's a proper noun. Same thing goes when the thought is finished. You need a period.
For example:
“Okie dokie lokie,” She said, starting to bounce to the kitchen to finish the baked goods for her friend. “Just give me an insty tinsy bit and i’ll be right out”
Should read:
“Okie dokie lokie,” she said as she bounced to the kitchen to finish the baked goods for her friend. “Just give me an eensy teensy bit and I’ll be right out.”
Beyond that there are some minor issues that can be worked out later but not a bad job for your first time out.
Putting this to read later pile :D
1308142 Thank you, Your comment is very helpful and i will heed all your advice.
And i guess you're right. In retrospect it does seem like a cushion of excuses. hmmm. I am slightly ashamed now
1308203
Don't be ashamed, you're already heads and tails over most of the newbie writers here.
Also, it's been my experience that when somebody does say "it's my first story" those stories have a tendency to be savaged a lot more than had they not said that. But it looks like you're off to a good start. Get yourself a proof-reader or maybe an editor. There are some groups here that will willingly do it for you or at the very least give you pointers.
cool story so far
cant wait for the rest of it
1308213 Though it is my first own personal fanfiction, I have been reading and drooling over them for 2 years now. I am fairly certain that i have read over 3 million words I think that's where i get some experience
Mr and Mrs. Cake are on vacation to Canterlot with the little fouls” with the little fouls the little fouls little fouls fouls
1308354
yes yes i know
Just fixed it
wanna read more
Today I am going through the first chapters of every non-mature story on the front page and offering feedback on each one. Yours is the twelfth.
Presentation
* Be wary of overlong sentences and wasteful words.
This sentence, for example, says very little in a lot of words and gets pretty awkward halfway through. Sometimes it helps to read your work aloud and see how it rolls off the tongue.
* As Mark Twain once said, "Use the right word, not its second cousin."
I can't fathom why you would use "profound" here.
* Be consistent about your paragraph formatting. Leave lines between all of your paragraphs, and if you're going to indent their first lines, do so for all of them, or don't indent any of them.
* Look up how to punctuate dialog.
should be
* List of words that should have their first letters capitalized: (1) names, (2) words that begin sentences. Don't do it to other words.
*it's
* It's a good idea to read over your work before publishing it and correct the mistakes you find. Nopony's perfect, but you should catch most of the obvious stuff like
and
* People usually spell it "Daring Do."
Story
* This story doesn't interest me personally, as I've already read a story or two about Nightmare Moon returning and Dash being possessed by something, but I think some will probably enjoy it. Keep writing.
Good day.
1309115 Your feed back is very well welcomed.
I will take all of these suggestions to heart. Thank you
It did hurt a little though
hmm, pretty interesting, some typos, but your pretty good with the characters mostly.
7/10 so far ;)
hey pretty good liked how you were able to tell how rainbow felt when she was bieng turned its really hard for me to do that kind of stuff without actually having it happen to be anyways keep i tup 10/10 so far