• Member Since 23rd Aug, 2012
  • offline last seen Feb 28th, 2022

slowlearner46


Just someone who loves a good MLP fanfiction

E
Source

Dash has a secret. A secret that could cause an old enemy to return. A secret that Dash herself is not even aware of. The element of loyalty and their friendship is put to the test as Dash's life changes in one small moment.

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Does contain a shipped couple.

Chapters (3)
Comments ( 37 )

Hi anybody that was willing to read this! Let me start off by apologizing. This is my first ever fanfiction and i have no idea how it is. It only got edited by me, for i couldn't find a pre-reader or editor, so i apologize for any sloppyness. If i am being an OW please let me know and i will just stop.

I am grateful if you even made it this far. :twilightsheepish: Thank you

And i don't have any tags well, because i am really not sure exactly where i am going with this story. I just decided to sit down and write.

A few typos, but an interesting start.

This one you'll kick yourself over: foals. Not fouls. :)

I'm always leery of fics which start out with, "this is my first time" as they're usually pretty bad, the author knows this and they're hoping for sympathy. Typically that means they're getting something else. We all had to start somewhere and it doesn't always mean that we got a break when we did. Writing is not something you just do, it's something that is within us that needs to come out.

Okay first glance, I'm pleased. Your structure is very nice. Too many times I'm confronted with poorly formatted and wall of text stories. Some minor issues with indenting, if you indent all your paragraphs you should do it with all, even the ones that are just a sentence long.

Minor gramattical issues such as spacing between paragraphs.

Too many sentences starting with "She". You need to break that up, maybe find another word or way of starting them.

Proper names should always be capitalised. Pinkie Pie, Twilight Sparkle, Rainbow Dash, etc.

When a pony is speaking and continuing a thought outside the quotes, you need to use a comma. Sometimes you do this, sometimes you don't. And if the thought is being continued, the next word should not be capitalised unless it's a proper noun. Same thing goes when the thought is finished. You need a period.

For example:

“Okie dokie lokie,” She said, starting to bounce to the kitchen to finish the baked goods for her friend. “Just give me an insty tinsy bit and i’ll be right out”

Should read:

“Okie dokie lokie,” she said as she bounced to the kitchen to finish the baked goods for her friend. “Just give me an eensy teensy bit and I’ll be right out.”

Beyond that there are some minor issues that can be worked out later but not a bad job for your first time out.

Putting this to read later pile :D

1308142 Thank you, Your comment is very helpful and i will heed all your advice.

And i guess you're right. In retrospect it does seem like a cushion of excuses. hmmm. I am slightly ashamed now :pinkiesick:

1308203
Don't be ashamed, you're already heads and tails over most of the newbie writers here.
Also, it's been my experience that when somebody does say "it's my first story" those stories have a tendency to be savaged a lot more than had they not said that. But it looks like you're off to a good start. Get yourself a proof-reader or maybe an editor. There are some groups here that will willingly do it for you or at the very least give you pointers.

cool story so far :rainbowkiss:
cant wait for the rest of it:yay:

1308213 Though it is my first own personal fanfiction, I have been reading and drooling over them for 2 years now. I am fairly certain that i have read over 3 million words :pinkiegasp: I think that's where i get some experience

Mr and Mrs. Cake are on vacation to Canterlot with the little fouls” with the little fouls the little fouls little fouls fouls:rainbowwild:

1308354
yes yes i know :facehoof:

Just fixed it

wanna read more

Today I am going through the first chapters of every non-mature story on the front page and offering feedback on each one. Yours is the twelfth.

Presentation

* Be wary of overlong sentences and wasteful words.

Lightning flashed again,even more fierce than the last, this time showing in full detail of what was going on, if only for a couple seconds.

This sentence, for example, says very little in a lot of words and gets pretty awkward halfway through. Sometimes it helps to read your work aloud and see how it rolls off the tongue.
* As Mark Twain once said, "Use the right word, not its second cousin."

Again the thunder rolled over the library, more turbulent and profound than those before it.

I can't fathom why you would use "profound" here.
* Be consistent about your paragraph formatting. Leave lines between all of your paragraphs, and if you're going to indent their first lines, do so for all of them, or don't indent any of them.
* Look up how to punctuate dialog.

“Well?” The dark figure asked in a sinister, yet enticing manner.

should be

“Well?” the dark figure asked in a sinister, yet enticing manner.

* List of words that should have their first letters capitalized: (1) names, (2) words that begin sentences. Don't do it to other words.

Rainbow, It’s time to fulfill your purpose Rainbow Dash.

*it's
* It's a good idea to read over your work before publishing it and correct the mistakes you find. Nopony's perfect, but you should catch most of the obvious stuff like

She has been having nightmares every night

and

Oh come on twilight.

* People usually spell it "Daring Do."

Story

* This story doesn't interest me personally, as I've already read a story or two about Nightmare Moon returning and Dash being possessed by something, but I think some will probably enjoy it. Keep writing.

Good day.

1309115 Your feed back is very well welcomed.

I will take all of these suggestions to heart. Thank you

It did hurt a little though :fluttershbad:

Waaah! what an awesome possession fic, I cant wait for some more awesome.

Foreshadowing, then a thrilling suspense that is immediately followed by all momentous just to end with a "need for MOAR" clift-hanger... I HATE YOU... :ajbemused:

5/5 Mustaches :moustache: :moustache: :moustache: :moustache: :moustache:

1335802 Not gonna lie...still can't believe people like this story so far :applejackconfused:

6/5 mustaches for you sir :moustache::moustache::moustache::moustache::moustache::moustache:

hmm, pretty interesting, some typos, but your pretty good with the characters mostly.
7/10 so far ;)

I'm looking forward to chapter 3. :D

I want to thank >>Skydragon for pre-reading this chapter for me and spending the time to make this chapter (hopefully) a better quality than the last two.

I will soon go back and fix the previous two and do my best to make it more readable.

Thank you all again. :rainbowdetermined2:

Hay RD is having a seizure induced by an evil ruler named nightmare moon :pinkiehappy:

Well not yay coz I don't like the fact RD is in pain but oh we'll good fic

At first i was all :pinkiehappy:
cuz new fic to read
then i was all :rainbowhuh:
what's up with RD's eye?
then i was all :fluttercry:
cuz there's no new chapter
then i was all :raritydespair:
cuz there still is no new chapter
now i'm all:flutterrage:
cuz i want a new chapter naooooooo
:trollestia:
Anyway, I love the start, the story is very original, even tough a little confusing:derpyderp1:
and i can't wait for more like this:yay:
You really have a true talent for writing, when i read your comment saying it's your first fic i was kinda "meh" but after that, i see it's really awesome:raritystarry::heart::pinkiesmile::twilightsmile::yay::rainbowlaugh::ajsmug:

hey pretty good liked how you were able to tell how rainbow felt when she was bieng turned its really hard for me to do that kind of stuff without actually having it happen to be anyways keep i tup 10/10 so far

Holy.... This is freaking awesome!

I NEED more. Not want- NEED.

I think this story has a "want it need it" spell on it cause need it

That is an awesome cover ;D dis is gonna get interestin' :derpytongue2:

(note: spelling/grammar errors are on purpose just for fun)

:rainbowkiss: I love it :heart:
but when chapter 4 out I whana know whats next but to do that chapter 4 must be out :duck: plz say when it will be out
:heart::raritywink:

QUESTION!!!


When does the next chapter come out?

Chapter 4 is needed NOW :flutterrage:

Hot dang this is intense, CHAPTER 4 IS NEEDED NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

do you know what I think would make this story better A CHAPTER 4

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