A thousand years ago in Equestria, Luna's frustration and desperation has been building for years and years as her social and political isolation grows, but just before Luna's jealousy and resentment can turn into murderous hatred against her sister, a new event triggars Luna's mental collapse and pushes her over the edge. When Luna by circumstance finds herself alone in Celestia's room she reads her sister's diary out of curiosity and discovers all of the disparaging criticism that Celestia has leveled at her over the years about how much of a nuisance Luna has been to her, but has been too polite to say directly to Luna's face.
Luna and Celestia had always supported and stuck with each other all their lives. Even when the common-ponies critisism and shunning of her was at its worst, the knowledge that her sister loved her kept Luna going. The realization that nopony, not even her own sister valued her or thought she was fit for the throne completely shattered whatever remained of her fragile psyche.
And so Luna just gave up...
She gave in...
If no one wanted her there...
Then she wouldn't stay there...
She would leave.
Alright I'm interested. Good start so far.
I like it!
A good start and very intresting premise. I look forward to reading more.
I'm interested. Let's see where this is going.
Well, it's looking well written, so keep it up and we'll see where it goes.
What do you mean "probably isn't that good"? It's a pretty good story. The only problem I have is that I don't have more fic to read yet. Which you're probably already writing, or at least, coming up with an idea for the "problem".
I hope to see more soon. However, be careful of over using words, you had a lot of "near"s at the begginning.
This is a great start! I look forward to reading more
Moar?
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It used to be worse before editing, but I suspect that it's something that I'll get better at with experience.
I'm in for the long run lets see where this goes
fit for the throne **
is what you're looking for in the description.
otherwise, I'm liking it. Some might deride it as heavy handed celestia is mean. But, I mean. That's exactly what I was kinda looking for and it's not really heavy handed. Not to me anyway.
Whatever. I'm messing up my words. I like this.
You say its your first fanfiction but its honestly really good. The writting is good, the feeling from Luna is awesome and very well felt.
Can't wait for the next chapter!
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I really wanted to give Luna's grievances justification while still making it realistic and plausible. I hope that her feelings of helplessness came through in the writing. I also didn't want to Celestia to just be a bitch, so I thought that aloof utilitarianism was a good explanation for her perceived callousness.
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I've got a tendency to be a bit rambling in my writing as well as going on tons of tangents. This entire chapter only essentially consisted of Luna walking down a hallway, looking out of a window, then going to knock on her sister's door. I was worried that I published too little, too quickly and it wouldn't be enough to draw people in to read it. But it's been far better received than I could have hoped.
I'm about a quarter way done with the second chapter.
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As I said in another comment, I didn't want Luna's collapse to seem like an overreaction to slights against her, but I also didn't want to make it seem like Celestia is just a bitch. I think that aloof utilitarianism strikes a good compromise.
I also fixed the error. Thanks for pointing it out.
I’ve always wondered exactly what this fic is about. What if instead of turning into nightmare moon Luna just… left? She’s surrounded by ponies who don’t appreciate or love her and her sister leaves her by the wayside so why stay in Canterlot? There’s a whole world to explore after all and perhaps she could find ponies who do appreciate her! And perhaps along the way her sister and by proxy Canterlot will realize what they’ve lost
Anyways, I love the chapter so far! Nothing felt out of place and the pace was just right nothing seemed to go too fast or slow. I also love how Luna and Celestia are written as not just black and white good and evil but as people (ponies) who simply have flaws and make mistakes I.E. Luna isn’t just overreacting and Celestia isn’t just the bad guy in this.
You have my interest. Lets see where this goes.
In the future are you plannning for a chapter that shows celestia dealing with luna leaving? Maby leave to to luna for a few chapters then have a chapter where celestia finds out
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There will probably be a few short Celestia POV's scattered here and there, just to get a better feel on Celestia's character and thought process. I'll also maybe give one or two chapters dedicated to Celestia to really get into how she deals with the whole ordeal.
This is an alternate route for Luna I'd thought about quite a few times, so seeing someone else write the prompt is great. It's off to a great start and I'm looking forward to where you go with this. I especially liked how believable and infuriating the slights against Luna are being portrayed as. Such as the trade negotiation Celestia did that restricted Luna's domain on the stars during her own holiday without her input. Really makes the whole scenario very relatable and believable.
I imagine that after Luna leaves she will be like "Since I am no longer a head of state then those trade deals don't mean anything to me anymore, Meteor showers during solstice are back!"
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Not quite, but you'll see....
Does it have my Signature on it?
No?
Don't see why i should feel bound by this . .
Maybe i will make meteorite showers a special treat.
Something that does not happen all that often anymore.
Maybe only during the Solstice, where they can be seen
during the day as well!
This is an interesting concept. Fantastic work!
I like it so far. Luna's frustration at Celestia leaving her out of important decisions is understandable. And making Luna halt her plans for her own holiday is just rude. I can't wait to see more!
Sounds interesting. Definitely tracking this thing. Eagerily awaiting new chapters :D
Excited to see where this exquisitely written story goes
Well this is an interesting premise, curious where it goes. I noticed a couple spelling errors, but they're minor.
Should be "bore witness".
Spelled "callous".
This story is great. Please continue.
This sounds like a don't know what you've got til its gone tale...
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Fixed it. Thanks for pointing them out 😀
Here’s what I foresee happening:
1.) Celestia’s health deteriorates from overworking due to overseeing both day and night court. This leads to her public image breaking down (e.g. short tempered with people) and, if she is a narcissist at this time during her rule, being trapped in a vicious cycle.
2.) The Council of Nobles will exploit Celestia’s poor health and disintegrating public image to secure more power. This will lead to the loss of rights and wealth by the peasantry.
3.) Due to lack of experience in leading the military, Celestia will be incapable to quell crime and foreign invasions. To make matters worse, the deteriorating relationship between the peasants and aristocracy will contribute to said criminality and susceptibility to foreign invasions. [Note: In stories that discuss ancient Equestria, Luna is often portrayed as the ruler who solely leads the military, while her sister solely leads the government. That’s why I said that Celestia lacked experience. However, the author may deviate from this trope by making Celestial competent in military affairs as well.]
4.) Due to Luna no longer being a Princess, Thestrals will abandon the Equestrian Military (and possibly Equestrian Society). This will further increase the breakdown of the military due to loss of manpower and the ability to fight in darkness. In addition, the Thestrals may clash with the other ponies (both peasants and nobles), thus creating even more volatility. [Note: Another trope depicted in these types of stories is that the Thestrals are absolutely loyal to Luna. Again, the author can choose to deviate from this.]
5.) Due to Celestia lacking experience in modeling and maintaining the night sky, international trade (which, in turn, will affect the wider economy) will break down due to Merchants being incapable to correctly navigate in darkness.
6.) The health of the citizenry deteriorates due to not getting proficient rest; which are the result of nightmares appearing unabated. This will contribute to ruining the relationship between Celestia and her subjects, increase the ineffectiveness of the military, and add to the volatility between the peasants and aristocracy/ponies and thestrals.
Overall, I’m sure that there are more potential problems that I missed, but I will stop here.
In response to all of the problems that I presented in my previous comment, I see Celestia taking one of the following actions:
1.) Celestia either personally searches for or sends a group of ponies to search for her sister. Once found, Luna will be forcibly brought back.
2.) Celestia becomes a dictator and possibility becomes either “Queen Celestia” or “Daybreaker.”
3.) Celestia retreats from public life after being overwhelmed by the surmounting problems and ultimately hands Equestria off to the nobility.
On a different note, I hope that this story concludes with Luna continuing to live her life as a nomad, refusing to forgive and help her sister and Equestria, and watching the two entities that mistreated her fall.
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While Celestia, equestria and the citizenry will certainly feel hugely negative effects from Luna’s departure, it won't quite get to the level of societal collapse.
You're not wrong about the possibility of a foreign invasion. At this point in the story, you have no idea which of the major Canon threats have been dealt with yet. If the sisters have to face any of Equestria's ancient foes as a dis-unitied front or even solo.......things could get interesting.
I honestly had not considered Luna’s impact on trade and navigation. Very interesting consequence to Luna going AWOL. I might even incorporate it at some point in the story. Thanks for the idea.
This concept is exactly what I thought Luna should have done in the show
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Depending on how far the Crimson is going to deviate from the show, things might go almost exactly like in the show, 1000 years of no Luna, with the differences being obvious. Though how Celestia may feel could be very different, seeing Luna leaving as her being a petulant brat and holding it against her, exasperated if somethings occurs that Luna "should have been there to help with."
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Throw Canon out the window. It's not going to help you. Huge divergence from the show.
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Thank you for the clarification, now I have no idea what to expect!
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Not all of Canon is necessarily made obsolete though. For example I haven't told you about when we are in the timeline or the fates of Sombra, Tirek, Discord, etc.......or if they have even made an appearance yet.
I always thought that luna wasted her time trying to fight for the love of ingrates. Then on returning from the moon she does the same foolish thing again, for the love of those who never deserved her.
What she should have done was go to one of the many city-states that dot the world. In canon, the rest of the world is mostly third world countries. Countries kept like that mainly through modern Equestrias influence. These are places ruled by tyrants and crime lords. A few good hits with Lunas warhammer "Mr. Whammy" and she has her own country. Not only that, but one full of thankful citizens happy at the chance for a good queen.
Simple for someone of her power level. The hard part will be repairing the damage from the bad leadership and fixing the corruption and crime problems that she would inherit. Get the aid of a small changeling hive and perhaps a dragon or two and now you have something that would cause Celestia nothing but problems.
Monk
"The idea simply stated that when personal feelings are mixed with power, bad things happen." -Corvo
Rereading this, I find something.
her sister's?
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I didn't even think of the Changelings. Luna striking up a friendship with Chrysalis and becoming a "friend" of her hive would be interesting. Maybe Chrysalis wouldn't be as big a ***** if she had someone to vent to.
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I feel like some small moderate world-building would be necessary to justify this new turn.
Needs more punctuation. Lots and lots of punctuation.
And, once again, there's some jumps between present and past tense... For some bizarre reason...
I'll never really get why do people do that.
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I kind of prefer those Author-Worlds where there are multiple changeling hives. It lets people create a richer mythology to the changelings. Plus new queens.
My personal blueprint of what Luna should have done, was the story "The Substitute Demon" by our own Author Reykan. Its a HIE, "Cultist attempts to resurrect NMM goes wrong," plot line. If any of you have never read it, I urge you to do so. It's worth the read. (Although it does suffer from the sex-phobic character trope that a lot of the earlier stories here suffered from. Other than that minor point, it's a solid story.)
Basically The Alicorn builds his own country on the other side of the world. His city-state is a mix of outcasts and disenfranchised, including changelings. It's a solid idea as far as what Luna COULD have done and exactly what I would do if I were ever lucky enough to be displaced.
Monk
“Puberty was a curse for those inflicted with it, and boundless amusement for others who survived the process.” -Scarheart
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The reason is pretty simple really. Besides that there can be times it makes sense, It's one of those things that can be easy for writers to miss (save for well-experienced ones) and especially doing times when the chapter/story was rushed and didn't have the number of go-overs it should have gotten. But the tense-jumping habit usually improves with experience.
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I never said the Author couldn't have multiple changeling hives. In fact, I'd prefer it. But Chrysalis & Luna friendship is something that could happen even with that.
I like how the story is going. let's see how it turns out as chapters come.
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Another idea to consider incorporating into the story is that, before departing from the EverFree Castle, Luna destroys her research notes and laboratory. Thus preventing Celestia and Equestria from profiting from her discoveries and breakthroughs.
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Another idea is that Luna encounters an exiled Chrysalis, who is a foal, during her travels. From there, she becomes an adoptive parent and mentor to the Changeling.
That was really cool. You really portrayed how I would expect Luna to act before her fall.
I look forward to more. :)
Also, just so you know, your short description reads a little funky.
Luna to