The Cutie Mark Crusaders have had their cutie marks for quite some time. They’ve helped many ponies across Equestria find their special purpose ever since discovering theirs.
However, their world will soon be turned upside down, as an evil sorcerer has his sights set on the very things they’ve worked so hard to achieve. With the help of the Mane Six, the journey to right wrongs will be a long one.
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Nice callback to the Ponyville Mysteries.
11296594
Thanks. I always felt like those books weren’t talked about enough, so I thought I’d incorporate a reference in there.
Poor CMC, they need help, and fast.
11302666
You know it’s a dire scenario when none of them come up with any ideas.
I realize that this is your first story, but this has some major issues that I would really recommend you address. The most glaring issue is probably the pacing, which moves at lightning speed and feels hollow for how little detail there is. This is not helped by the incredibly short length of the chapters, which could have easily been consolidated into two to provide better flow.
Aside from those structural issues, there's also a major plot hole in the actions of your villain character. I was under the impression that you were trying to keep him and his motivations mysterious, which could definitely have worked, and yet you provided way too much detail for that to work out. I, as a reader, am shown this character's actions and thoughts in detail, and yet I don't even know what his motivations are, or why he even did what he did. Seriously, why go through the trouble of spying on the CMCs and creating illusory doubles of their sisters if you can just whisk them away like he did?
As a final point, when you want to break up scenes, you can just use the horizontal rule (there's a button for it in the chapter editor). You don't need to use em dashes, or worse, start a whole new chapter.
11325780
I will address all your criticisms.
1. I most definitely agree. The pacing is all over the place, and I have thought about how to work that out. I address my reasons for why the pacing is the way it is in the Author’s Notes, but I didn’t want long stretches of nothing happening in the chapters. However, I guess that has happened while reading them over.
2. The villain character I’ve created is one that I don’t envision as a cackling, mustache-twirling, gloating character. Just a calculating and intelligent individual who just does what he wants to do with no nonsense.
As for the deal with the illusory sisters, I would just like to admit that I am in no way proud of that part. It was far, far too rushed and lacking in explanation that I don’t want to write something like it ever again. To answer your question, he needed to be absolutely sure the girls would be able to fall for his trap. He knew the girls weren’t gullible enough to just follow him into his lair. What better way to get to them than by using their sisters?
I will keep these issues in mind for future chapters and attempt to better my story by fixing them. Thank you for the constructive criticism.
Happy end for the CMC.
11354202
Yup, just as it should be.
After reading this to the end, my opinions of it are not that different from those I expressed in my previous comment. Your pacing is still very fast, with important details and scenes being glossed over when they should have gotten much more detail. This ends up making certain things feel comical, such as describing in one sentence how your antagonist was able to defeat the Mane Six in battle because he's just that smart and powerful. Rather than show what's going on, you often choose to just summarize things, which makes the story feel hollow. I still know hardly anything about your antagonist, and your inclusion of unfittingly brutal violence makes this story at least T-tag worthy, if not Violence-tag worthy. There were also quite a lot of mechanical errors throughout.
11527197
I have always felt like I should’ve done more with the Mane Six. It never sat right with me on how they were kinda just glossed over. Probably my biggest mistake while writing this story.
I never thought the violence was brutal. I try to avoid writing stuff like that. I guess I can see where you’re coming from, though. I just didn’t want to mention any blood or anything of the like. The rating and tags have been updated.