- Member Since 6th Jul, 2012
- offline last seen February 25th
Bronydragon
Hmmm... What to write here? I'm 22 years of age Living in Cologne, Germany I'm writing for the fun of writing and all the ponies. Join us in insanity if you want. There's always room for more.
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- Bronydragon · 6.9k words · 26 2 · 656 views
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Dafuq did I just read? (also, FIRST!)
Oh boy oh boy, who knew that Fluttershy had a murderous streak?
Take out the 'r' on rising.
Anyway, this story has an interesting premise but is being held down with rushed pacing, no character development, and dialouge is strange. However, it is still interesting and I will give it a read.
1297590
Obviously you read a dark Flutter-fic. Also
1297598
I knew.
1297704
Well thank you dear sir.
1297734
Got it out. Thanks for the correction.
Also the story is meant to introduce the idea to the dear readers and I'm going deeper into character and everything else in the following chapters.
I'm developing them painfully slow. Yes I'm a freaking big tease.
Bronydragon
1481139
Too bad you don't liked it.
Maybe my other stories are pleasing you more. If you want to read them that is. This is my only dark fic.
The others are, a sequel to The Literal Appeal, starring the knife Twilight fired away and Steven Magnet and
A HiE fic. The HiE isn't submittted yet, but if you are interested I can give you the link and password.
Love and tolerate man, love and tolerate.
Bronydragon
1481264
Yeah I don't think it's so good turning them to bad ponies at all, but I saw the cover art of this story somewhere, thought that something like this would fit the pic quite good, wrote down a few lines with a rough story outline in the comments and someone demanded, that I write it.
So tada.
As I said I have two more stories if you want. Feel free to read them. For the unsubmitted ask and I'll give you link and password as I said.
Bronydragon
Alright! Review, just as you asked!
Your not a very new writer so I'll skip the tips and get on to the review!
Here we have a unique story with many, MANY paths the story could take, whats more is that I never EVER expected to see what I shall now call a "MurderShy" fic. You sir, write a good story.
Grade Time!
Character Portrayal: You have done two things, one, you have not only portrayed Fluttershy at a good level BEFORE the murder, but I thought she was still sounding like Fluttershy AFTER the murder and the change: 10
Plot: This here is an amazing plot that could lead to many things, including at least 5 paths, and a sequel, without re-using to many things:10
Details: Now here is where you lack in just a bit, it felt kinda rushed, but is still a great story: 8
Predictability: I never saw Fluttershy actually poisoning the man with Cyanide Soup, that was a good touch: 10
Overall you get a grade of 9 out of 10, for a good story with unique potential, but a bit rushed and lacking on detail,[definitely not that much though].
Enjoy your nine mustaches!
Kind of rushed but at least it's here
1568405
Remember. I'm a beginner and try to improve my skills. It will get better.
Bronydragon
OMG Murdershy.... I would have never expected it... Good story. Just slow down the progression a bit. Flesh the story out a little more. It feels a bit rushed.
1707903
Yeah. I talked with AnonAuthor about it and he said I should consider writing the story more in pictures and not words, if you know what I mean. I'm slowing down the story by now, trying to make it more interesting and to get her victims more detailed. Mostly their deaths.
Dragon
Story Review: The Fall of the Butterfly
So, that escalated quickly. A few people have already commented on the pacing of this story so I know it’s nothing new for you. The pacing really is too fast, and gives the reader no time to follow the actions of the story. From the start of the story there are questions being raised about what is happening, and this can result in scaring away your readers. The long description of your story should have laid out the premise of the story, and that would then hook the reader’s interest in how Fluttershy turns dark like this. This isn’t a question about holding back big reveals for shock value; this is about giving the reader enough reasons to read this story.
Now the dialogue is pretty bland, but dialogue is always tricky to get right. As a writer you are allowed to tweak how a character speaks to suit your needs, so long as it’s only tweaking. If you go about changing the mannerisms of an established character like Fluttershy, you need to show in the story why that change helps to tell the story. What about death makes Fluttershy feel powerful? How does she go from claiming to love all animals to feeling empowered by death? She’s most likely seen animals die, so what is about humans that make their deaths special? What are her feelings towards humans since she’s in this new world, away from her friends and the animals she loves? Did she come through the portal willingly? Is she stuck on Earth? All these things shape how the Element of Kindness can believably enjoy killing, enough so that she wants to be an assassin. Now, if she has a mental break down from her first kill, that needs to be made clear, and it’s unlikely that her actions will be completely hers if that is the case.
You should slow down in your writing. Take time to tell the reader things. It is okay to hold back secrets, but those secrets should be plot-driven events. How is it that Fluttershy knows about the almond smell of cyanide? Even if she knew a little about herbs and poisons, that’s a fairly specific detail to remember. There’s no context for that, so it’s rather jarring to read. Also, it’s a bitter almond smell.
So the main thing you need to work on is your pacing. I highly recommend joining the school for new writers group. It should help you out a lot. Make sure you get your work proofread as well, that kind of thing is always a must. As for the story itself, it's an interesting idea, but one that needs to be developed much more to be able to keep readers interested and wanting to read.
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Thank you for the comment. You are right. I shoul overwrite the first chapter and put more sense and storytelling in it. Spoke with Anon Author about it too. Also thank you for mentioning the exact smell of cyanide. About the intro text. I'm not this good at intro texts and hope to get better as time passes by. Just need the time to do it all over again. Just finished my finals today and I think I'll start rewriting the first chapter soon.
Again thank you for your constructive critic and I hope my other stories are better. Jep this is my first story. At least from the idea and notebook writing.
You rock!
Dragon
Review time. I will be very picky on each paragraph or some if I find nothing wrong with one.
Ok, for one part I need more description for this. The first paragraph needs a bit more. Were their people around? Was their any flowers or was it deserted. You gave just enough description for some people to create a scene. People like me have to think hard to create a scene with such small description. The first sentence on the first paragraph doesn't need that many coma's.
This is better then having three coma's where they don't need even one.
What happened in that short while after? You could of put a sentence or few explaining it was raining and such making her go to a tree. Again first sentence doesn't need that many coma's.
This would be a better solution. Also Fluttershy kinda was OOC in this paragraph and that pacing was a bit poor. I don't think even if it was raining Fluttershy would of kindly go to a stranger to walk her home.
Their were a couple of errors of grammar and pacing in this paragraph too. What happened to make silence grow? What was she doing while they were walking? What did he look like? Also its should of been it's in the dialogue. Good job on keeping Fluttershy in character too.
How did Fluttershy feel? was she head over heels, or was she scared?
I don't Fluttershy is ready to warm up next to a stranger even if he is nice and walked her home.
This is right story wise, but it would of been more clever to continue from this point and see Fluttershy feelings after this when she's home. Overall up to here grammar has been good.
Their shouldn't be that many coma's again.
Is slightly better then tons of coma's.
You forgot to add the quotation marks infront of to.
This was a tad rushed in all so pace it a bit.
The rest was good too. now, time to grade you.
Grammar: Good, just tiny flaws. I can see you got an editor I guess. 9/10
Story flow: Not the best. Just describe a scene more and look up Show vs Tell. Learn to paint a picture for the reader instead of having the word said all over the place. 6/10
Overall you got a like from me I am interested in this fic also. You also did good on paragraphing to.
2663443
That was detailed. 
Wow.
Thank you for the comment and yeah I know about my mistakes already. Talked to AnonAuthor about it. He generally told me the same, but I haven't had the time to correct and rewrite everything. See: Real life.
And thank you for the grammar part, because, no, I haven't got an editor for this one or my other fics. All the shit you read in my stories is made by me.
I promise that I'll make it flow better and continue it, but I can't tell you how long it will take.
Thanks for reading and I hope you'll look in my other three fics as well.
Dragon
2669834
i knew that you don't have the time to rewrite I know from experience. I get very detailed in reviews and pick out some things. I just hope you get better at writing knowing you are generally good.
P.S i think you have great potential to write a good chapter with everyone's advice. Also your lucky, I never had this much advice on a single story for me. Also review for chapter 2 will be up soon.
2672589
Thanks man. The critics are helping a lot.
When you are interested, I can show you my other attempts to cruelly violate the english language.
Only if you want to that is.
(Two of them are not published yet but already up) And thanks again man.
Dragon
She is broken.
Why did this happen?
What kind of scheme is going on to have this happening?
I shall read on.
I agree with the majority of the people here that Fluttershy's psyche must be very weak to turn her so psychotic and murderous just by accepting that she has killed someone herself, but I'm intrigued.
I wonder how well her career will go?
Awaiting further releases.
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Yeah. Kinda skipped the part where she really breaks.
Will fix that at some point.
Dragon
2795945
Good luck on.