Dafuq did I just read? (also, FIRST!)

Oh boy oh boy, who knew that Fluttershy had a murderous streak?

Take out the 'r' on rising.

Anyway, this story has an interesting premise but is being held down with rushed pacing, no character development, and dialouge is strange. However, it is still interesting and I will give it a read.

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Obviously you read a dark Flutter-fic. Also

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I knew.

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Well thank you dear sir.

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Got it out. Thanks for the correction.
Also the story is meant to introduce the idea to the dear readers and I'm going deeper into character and everything else in the following chapters.
I'm developing them painfully slow. Yes I'm a freaking big tease.

Bronydragon

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Too bad you don't liked it.
Maybe my other stories are pleasing you more. If you want to read them that is. This is my only dark fic.
The others are, a sequel to The Literal Appeal, starring the knife Twilight fired away and Steven Magnet and
A HiE fic. The HiE isn't submittted yet, but if you are interested I can give you the link and password.
Love and tolerate man, love and tolerate.

Bronydragon

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Yeah I don't think it's so good turning them to bad ponies at all, but I saw the cover art of this story somewhere, thought that something like this would fit the pic quite good, wrote down a few lines with a rough story outline in the comments and someone demanded, that I write it.
So tada.
As I said I have two more stories if you want. Feel free to read them. For the unsubmitted ask and I'll give you link and password as I said.

Bronydragon

Alright! Review, just as you asked!

Your not a very new writer so I'll skip the tips and get on to the review!

Here we have a unique story with many, MANY paths the story could take, whats more is that I never EVER expected to see what I shall now call a "MurderShy" fic. You sir, write a good story.

Grade Time!

Character Portrayal: You have done two things, one, you have not only portrayed Fluttershy at a good level BEFORE the murder, but I thought she was still sounding like Fluttershy AFTER the murder and the change: 10

Plot: This here is an amazing plot that could lead to many things, including at least 5 paths, and a sequel, without re-using to many things:10

Details: Now here is where you lack in just a bit, it felt kinda rushed, but is still a great story: 8

Predictability: I never saw Fluttershy actually poisoning the man with Cyanide Soup, that was a good touch: 10

Overall you get a grade of 9 out of 10, for a good story with unique potential, but a bit rushed and lacking on detail,[definitely not that much though].
Enjoy your nine mustaches!

Review time. I will be very picky on each paragraph or some if I find nothing wrong with one.

It was a beautiful sunny day, just as the weather forecast had said it would be. Fluttershy was trotting down the pathway of the New York Central Park, humming a sweet little tune to her.

She was looking out for the park’s wildlife, as she would always do, when it was a sunny day. Completely lost in her thoughts she didn’t notice that the weather was changing.

Ok, for one part I need more description for this. The first paragraph needs a bit more. Were their people around? Was their any flowers or was it deserted. You gave just enough description for some people to create a scene. People like me have to think hard to create a scene with such small description. The first sentence on the first paragraph doesn't need that many coma's.

She was looking out for the park’s wildlife as she would always do when it was a sunny day.

This is better then having three coma's where they don't need even one.

A short while after, she was trapped under a tree, unable to return to her apartment, without getting soaked by the heavy downpour. Luckily a nice stranger with an umbrella passed by and offered to walk her home. She happily agreed and slipped under the umbrella, starting to trot towards her apartment.

What happened in that short while after? You could of put a sentence or few explaining it was raining and such making her go to a tree. Again first sentence doesn't need that many coma's.

A short while after, she was trapped under a tree. She was then unable to return to her apartment without getting soaked by the heavy downpour.

This would be a better solution. Also Fluttershy kinda was OOC in this paragraph and that pacing was a bit poor. I don't think even if it was raining Fluttershy would of kindly go to a stranger to walk her home.

Soon enough the silence between the two of them was getting more and more uncomfortable for Fluttershy and she was starting a conversation.

“How come you were walking out here in the rain? I… I mean only if you want to answer. If you don’t want to its ok with me. I mean it’s not like…eeep. I’m talking too much am I? Oh sorry.” She said, growing quieter with each spoken word.

Their were a couple of errors of grammar and pacing in this paragraph too. What happened to make silence grow? What was she doing while they were walking? What did he look like? Also its should of been it's in the dialogue. Good job on keeping Fluttershy in character too.

“Um…my name is Fluttershy, nice to meet you.” She said, stretching out a hoof in his direction.

He kneeled down, took her hoof in his palm and made a hoof kiss, causing Fluttershy to blush furiously.

How did Fluttershy feel? was she head over heels, or was she scared?

“Yes. It was a shock for us as you came out of that thing the first time, but the technology you brought us was very useful.” Fluttershy said, warming up further to Vinnie.

I don't Fluttershy is ready to warm up next to a stranger even if he is nice and walked her home.

They bid their goodbyes and went their separate ways.

This is right story wise, but it would of been more clever to continue from this point and see Fluttershy feelings after this when she's home. Overall up to here grammar has been good.

A few days later Fluttershy was trotting through the park again, helping every little critter that came her way. She was setting a baby bird back in its nest when she noticed someone, who was sitting on a bench, waving at her. She sat the baby bird back in its nest and flew, or to be more precise, glided over to him.

Their shouldn't be that many coma's again.

She was setting a baby bird in its nest when she noticed someone who was sitting on a bench waiting for her.

Is slightly better then tons of coma's.

To tell you the truth, there is something you could help me with. You see, I have this friend of mine. He is really sick and refuses to take his medicine. Unfortunately I can’t just give it to him, because it is a special soup he needs to eat, but he is hallucinating and thinks that every human being wants to harm him.” He said in a worried tone. “So I thought with you being a pony and all, he would probably reason himself and will eat it. I’m seriously worried about him.”

You forgot to add the quotation marks infront of to.

The next day Fluttershy arrived at the address, given to her by Vinnie, at ten to nine. She stood in front of a big mansion with massive iron gates standing fully open. She was still staring at the size of the building, when Vinnie came walking out of it.

“Hi Fluttershy, you are early.” He greeted the mare, smiling.

“Here, I have the medicine and address ready for you.”

He passed Fluttershy a map with a little post it attached to it, showing off a street name, house and apartment number. He also gave her an already opened and resealed cup soup, which was clearly replaced with other ingredients.

“Thank you Vinnie. I’ll come back later and tell you how he’s doing.” Fluttershy said, waving him goodbye.

“Take good care of him.” Vinnie said, going back to the mansion.

This was a tad rushed in all so pace it a bit.

The rest was good too. now, time to grade you.

Grammar: Good, just tiny flaws. I can see you got an editor I guess. 9/10

Story flow: Not the best. Just describe a scene more and look up Show vs Tell. Learn to paint a picture for the reader instead of having the word said all over the place. 6/10

Overall you got a like from me I am interested in this fic also. You also did good on paragraphing to.

She is broken.
Why did this happen?
What kind of scheme is going on to have this happening?
I shall read on.