Iridium

An earth pony healer is given responsibility over an injured unicorn. All eyes are on them. Maybe even those of Windigos.

Honorable Mention in the contest A Thousand Words.
Highly Recommended by PresentPerfect.
An audio reading by Pony&Wolf Productions.

“...the restraint demonstrated here is phenomenal, and a brilliant lesson...”
—Petrichord

Chapters (1)

Comments ( 12 )

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NorrisThePony

NorrisThePony #1 · May 21st, 2022 · 11 · ·

Wow... This was, uh...

This was a fantastic one, man. Your prose here was enviable. Only 1000 words but I've seen other authors fumble to deliver half the emotion here in ten times that count.

Combo_Breaker

Combo_Breaker #2 · May 22nd, 2022 · 4 · 1 ·

Holy shit. This is easily one of the best stories on this site.

Odd_Sarge

Odd_Sarge #3 · May 22nd, 2022 · 1 · ·

11248093
Thanks so much.
11248243
I'm more than happy to contribute to that if it means I get to write more like this. Thank you.

Rune Soldier Dan

Rune Soldier Dan #4 · May 22nd, 2022 · 7 · ·

Oof, this is impressive. Using utter minimalism to both world-build and tell a compelling story is a feat and a half, very well done.

FanOfMostEverything

FanOfMostEverything #5 · Jun 10th, 2022 · · ·

Burns from no harmonious order: instead, the prophetic results of vicious unicorn magic.

Prophetic? Did the spell burn Iridium or just foretell that she would be burned?

Your voice is pure cotton, and my ears are always here.

... So the healer is stuffing her ears with that voice to block out everything else? I can almost make sense of that, but I figured they'd want to listen for any other medical emergencies.

our caravan lacks the hearth-warmers to feel out heat.

Hmm. Sensing geothermal hot spots? Possibly pegasus scouts to look for warm fronts? Intriguing possibilities here.

Many of your injuries readily reciprocate my efforts.

... They're healing the healer in return?

This is a potent tale of devotion and loss, but the word choice ranges from distracting to outright baffling. It's good, don't get me wrong, but your efforts to capture an antiquated tone come across as the healer digging through the caravan's thesaurus to impress Iridium. (And I'm not sure what the context of the text is. I assume the healer's recording this in their journal, but I'm not certain.)

Again, the narrative itself is excellent. Thank you for it and best of luck in the judging.

Odd_Sarge

Odd_Sarge #6 · Jun 10th, 2022 · · ·

11267885

Prophetic? Did the spell burn Iridium or just foretell that she would be burned?

Prophetic in the sense that Iridium (a unicorn) and her unicorn-made injuries were a sign that things in Equestria would only get worse.

So the healer is stuffing her ears with that voice to block out everything else?

Her voice is soft, and he's always eager to listen.

... They're healing the healer in return?

The injuries are responding to his healing.

your efforts to capture an antiquated tone come across as the healer digging through the caravan's thesaurus to impress Iridium.

Totally fair, but I want to be clear here and state that I wasn't trying to match that to any extent. Death of the author and all that, but here are some more thoughts: what I did intend was for the healer to come across as more educated/well-read than other earth ponies, hence his newfound appreciation for poetry. In the time I spent polishing up the story, I had an internal debate over if I should simplify the vocabulary to match the tribe, but I ended up not pursuing that.

(And I'm not sure what the context of the text is. I assume the healer's recording this in their journal, but I'm not certain.)

It's a mix: for the majority of the passages, it's a state of internal reflection; for the minority, he converses with her in the present.

I'm very happy to hear you enjoyed the story. Thanks for reading.

daOtterGuy

daOtterGuy #7 · Jul 12th, 2022 · · ·

Howdy, hi~!

This was quite an enjoyable read. The quiet emotion present in the exchanges between the healer and Iridium was wonderful and really gave this whole piece a very gentle feel. This was well worth the read and I thank you for writing it.

Bicyclette

Bicyclette #8 · Jul 12th, 2022 · · ·

I’ve been forced to grow lean on what little we possess, both in food and wisdom.

i love this line!

I will bring you water and rye, and I swear, I will not let you die.

ooh, i love this one, too! it has such a great feel

Perhaps that is for the best: my master has noticed. His mouth is tied taut, but his eyes tell all. You are a unicorn, but you are a good mare, equivalent to our band’s Venerable Mother.

i love how lines like this hint at an the shape of an entire culture while leaving the details to the reader!

I will bring you before them, and I swear, they will see.

and augh, the earthpony narrator fascinated by a mysterious unicorn's unicorn life! it's funny how it has that in common with the G5 movie, but with so much more weight in the worldbuilding

But below your skin, a malignant growth has shown itself. Alone, my treatments meet failure. I have called upon you again for your knowledge, but your answer is one I cannot accept. There is no such ailment that exists beyond the aid of earth pony hooves.

and oof, the idea of dealing with cancer in an age before modern medicine! though at least the ponies have magic

This foul magic will leave you.
I will bring you all the way to the Undiscovered West. I swear.
You will get better.

love the determination in this line

It is as if a phoenix calls from within you as you recite and brush your words to the world around you. I cannot help but feel enraptured by every syllable you speak.

augh, what a beautiful description of the experience of art!

The pale shadow of death hangs over the cot where you rest. It is palpable. But when I sit beside you, you are warm. So very warm that, at times, I can scarcely believe that no other pony feels it. Your mere presence fills the air with beams of light, and hope.
…I must be mistaken.
I’m sorry, Iridium. I know better than to act like this. You must think me a foal.
I will return soon.

i can feel what the narrator sees in Iridium, and augh, that makes this so haunting and heartbreaking

No… when I stand by you now, you glow like auburn leaves.
Take my hoof.
…You feel that.
Then it is not you, but rather, us.
…I don’t quite understand this either, but it brings us warmth. All of us.
I will stay by your side, Iridium. I will not leave you again.

and ooh, tantalizing. i'm reading this as a fragment of the glow of Harmony, and augh, there is something beautiful and sad in that the characters don't know what it means

I tipped your muzzle, and showed you the sunlight.
You smiled, and drifted to dreams.
You did not wake again.

and augh, love the impact of that last line, that definitiveness, you really feel it

Loss is inevitable. You helped me learn that.
I will be stronger, and more will live in your name.
Thank you.

and a beautiful end! Iridium living on through the ponies she saved, the narrator the most of all.

i love how this story feels so distinctly pre-Harmony between the archaically ornate prose and the smallness of the bit of world that is seen. and this mysterious dying unicorn being able to save this tribe of strangers through her knowledge, and yet clearly being kept distant from them, an outsider, connected most through the narrator who serves as a bridge between her and the tribe as they are on the outskirts of the tribe due to their youth. augh, there is something that rings so true about that. it feels like a very old kind of story.

just loved this work, thank you for it!

Loganberry

Loganberry #9 · Jul 22nd, 2022 · · ·

Hello! Have a review. If I can quote that here, "unusual and rather haunting" was how I felt. Nice restrained narration too. Have a like, and well done on the honourable mention!

TheOneAJ