Divided on Earth, United with Ponies

by Hereward

The Waiting Room

The royal guards assigned to escort us continued this role as we were led up the path to the palace. About halfway we crested a rise in the ground and could now see the main entrance, complete with the drawbridge over the moat and the suggestion of a portcullis glinting in the morning sun.

"Wait." Mum remarked. "Is this a palace or a castle?"

"Well, from what I've gathered," Twilight replied, "It's technically both. Although Canterlot itself hasn't really been under any kind of direct threat for at least a thousand years."

The way down to the drawbridge was lined with bushes and a few trees, as opposed to the open lawn that preceeded it. Once we came to the entrance itself the sheer scale of it all was now clear. We had visited a number of stately homes and castles in our time but I couldn't recall ever finding one with a doorway this big; it must've been over ten feet wide and nearly thirty feet high. Compared to the rest of the palace complex it really gave the impression that this was a separate town from Canterlot in its own right, akin to the campus of Loughborough University in a way.

We were led into a foyer that, after a minute or so, I recognised from The Best Night Ever as the place where Celestia greeted her guests. The guards guided us to the corridor on the left and continued to escort us along a stone passageway with stained-glass windows along the outer wall; these windows had no distinct design but instead had a random pattern of colours. After a few minutes the guards stopped and gestured to a rather non-descript looking door.

"Please wait in here. Their royal majesties will deal with you in due course." With that the pegasus guards positioned themselves on either side of the doorway and the unicorn guards departed. I was glad we'd finally arrived as all the walking was beginning to make me a bit footsore; I dreaded to think how all this would affect mum's tendons and granddad's arthritis. Applejack took the liberty to open the door.

"Huh. Seems rather homely fer the royal palace." She remarked before entering, followed by the rest of us. It was certainly quaint when compared to the entrance hall. Baroque furniture was scattered around the edifice, coffee tables stood to the side of each, Persian-style rugs decorated the floor and all was lit by a medium-sized fireplace and six freestanding candelabras.

"What did they mean by 'royal majesties'?" Mum asked. "I know the princess we met yesterday's likely to be one of 'em, but who's the other one? Her husband?" I strained to prevent myself from guffawing.

"Princess Celestia doesn't have any spouses." Twilight answered. "It's bound to be Princess Luna."

"So, which of 'em's senior?" Mum checked.

"Well, technically Princess Celestia as she's been reigning for longer but their authority's about equal." Twilight replied.

"But I thought this was a monarchy." Mum remarked as she sat down in an armchair.

"Actually I think the proper terminology would be a theocratic diarchy with regionalised democratic processes." I offered.

"Not a bad guess." Twilight confirmed with a somewhat nervous smile.

I'm not sure how long we waited in that room. My gaze was drawn to the open fire and the dance of the flames, transfixed even. However long it was there were a couple of gasps at one point and a clatter of hooves, when some more shuffling sounds became evident I looked over my shoulder and beheld them. The supreme sovereigns of Equestria! Immediately I leapt to my feet, thumped my chest with my right fist before drawing it up into a salute. Celestia gave me an amused smile and gestured with her hoof, whereupon I rotated my wrist to make a naval salute before bringing my arm down. The rest of my family were more conservative in their displays of respect.

"Do you ever use the same gesture twice?" Celestia asked.

"If your majesty means when acknowledging your presence," I replied, "Then yes. I was merely downgrading from my original method in light of your apparent discomfort with total formality." Almost everyone gave me a funny look.

"I suggest more of you take heed of this observation." Celestia announced.

"Nevertheless we hast no qualms over the way in which we're greeted." Luna pointed out. I smiled slightly in anticipation of an iconic line.

"Please excuse my son." Mum added with a look of trepidation. "He's got Asperger's."

"Asparagus?" Pinkie Pie attempted to repeat. "Think we could have some?"

"Asperger's." I answered. "As in 'Asperger's Syndrome'." I could've sworn every pony raised an eyebrow. "It's an Autistic Spectrum Disorder."

"Oh. Autism." Twilight started to wrap her head round it.

"Well," I considered, "It's like autism only it doesn't make me reluctant to socialise; it just affects my ability to do so."

"I can see there's gonna be a lot of questions to be answered between us." Celestia interjected. "Anyway, now that you're all here, let me explain what's gonna happen. First off every human shall join my sister and I in the next room one by one where you'll be analysed both physically and psychologically; no doubt, Twilight, you'll want to sit in on this but if the human in question feels uncomfortable about something then you'll be required to leave for the session." The unicorn in question certainly seemed disappointed but simply said.

"Very well, Princess. Who will be accompanying you in the assessments, then?"

"Nopony." Celestia answered in a tone that suggested a sense of amusement. "My sister and I will make the analysis ourselves."

"Excuse me, Princess." Fluttershy ventured. "But we've never encountered humans before, so how can we be sure we don't cause any offense?" Celestia walked over to her and rested a reassuring hoof on her shoulder.

"There's no way I can truly explain our methods to you, my little ponies." She answered. "Observational evidence may help but, like I said, it may be rather delicate."

"Erm, if I can speak, your majesty?" Dad now asked.

"Oh please, feel free." Celestia replied.

"If you two are doing this, then who's running the government?" He asked.

"We are." Luna declared. "Don't try to understand it. Either thy shalt be unable to truly comprehend or there'll be a major risk of socio-political imbalance." This didn't sound too reassuring so I now put something forward.

"I fear the socio-political thing's gonna be revisited." I warned. "Past conversations have led to the occassional self-admittance that the Slater family's naturally cynical."

"Fear not." Celestia responded. "I've had many dealings with cynical personalities and I find it best to tackle the underlying causes in the first instance. In the earlier years of Equestria such individuals were either pressured into silence or simply ignored and that nearly always led to civil uprising." There was a suggestion of tears in her eyes, even though they were closed. "Shall we begin?" There was a general all-round nod at this. "We'll tackle this from oldest to youngest, so Mr Raymond Slater would you be willing to have Twilight sit in on the examination?"

"Well," He answered, "Prob'ly not. I've 'ad t'strip off when I was in the army, of course, but we didn't have civilian observers during the medical exams." Celestia gave a nod in response.

"Applejack," She addressed, "If you would please go through to the room after next. We'll explain the next stage when everyone's there." Giving a nod but with a look of confusion Applejack went through the door, which was left open as she trotted off into what sounded like a fairly large, empty room. "Feel free to make your own entertainment while you wait." With that Celestia and Luna stood to either side of granddad and, interestingly enough, seemed to offer themselves as physical support for the 78-year old. Once they'd gone through, the door closed behind them in a formal manner, which indicated to me that one of the supreme sovereigns of Equestria took it upon themselves to close it by way of 'magic'.

"So, who wants to see me do a few tricks?" Rainbow Dash asked now that the awe-inspiring presence of royalty had passed.

"Uh, I'm not sure there's enough room in here." Twilight pointed out. "It's basically just a reception room, not a gymnasium."

"Hey!" The pegasus retorted. "Not all my moves need loadsa space."

"And which of those would be suited to the indoors?" Rarity asked. Rainbow Dash really looked hesitant now.

"Let's face it," I put in, "This is no aerodrome." Mum actually laughed out loud at this.

"Oh, dear!" She groaned as her laughter subsided, earning quite a few funny looks. "You're making 'er sound like a red arrow."

"What's that when it's at 'ome?!?" Rainbow asked.

"The red arrows are a team of professional aviators who primarily perform at airshows with coordinated flybys." I answered. "They fly their own jet-planes with characteristic red bodypaint; hence the name Red Arrows."

"Are they anything like the Wonderbolts?" She double-checked.

"I supppose so." I replied hesitantly. "Essentially."

"Well then," Rainbow declared while doing a back-flip, "I'm most certainly 'red arrow' material." She kept my attention in particular for a while as she made a few moves but then I got fed up of watching her do those kinds of tricks, particularly since they resembled the ones she did in the pilot while clearing out cloudtops. At this point I went back to watching the fire. There I sat, riveted by the dance of the flames, until Twilight floated a log into the hearth, which certainly caught my attention.

"You've spent about as much time staring at the fire as you did watching the Princesses." She remarked. "Is that normal for humans to be so fascinated by burning?" I moved my gaze over to her, though I couldn't maintain eye contact, and replied.

"In a way, yes. Even in times of yore, when open fires were commonplace, we'd be typically inclined to watch the flames dance about, finding patterns and images, inspiration for many things. I think it might be something that was ingrained long before humans as we are came into being."

"So, you think you were meant to stare at fire?" She checked.

"Not really. Basically the concept of making and controlling fire was first discovered by, what might be described as, proto-humans." She seemed a bit shocked by this.

"You're not suggesting that evolution's real?!?" She gasped.

"I don't know about here," I answered, "But in the world we've known it's become common knowledge that only those species that are suited to their environments survive and prosper. Perhaps we could explore more of this later?" She gave a nervous nod.

"I'd appreciate it if you didn't shout it about so much." She advised. "Some ponies don't take too kindly to the philosophy of survival based on fighting." I cocked an eyebrow.

"It's not about fighting. It's a common misapprehension that it means 'survival of the fittest' but the strongest can be overwhelmed by environmental conditions. In a nutshell, it is adaptability that evolution focuses on." Just then the sidedoor re-opened and Celestia stepped through.

"Okay, Fluttershy." She addressed. "If you could please come through and on into the next room? Who's the next-oldest human?" Fluttershy nodded and slowly went past the majestic being.

"It'll be Jane." Mum answered. With that Jane gave Celestia a curtsey and went into the other room.

"Would you be offended if Twilight observed?" Celestia asked her, to which she shook her head and meekly accepted Twilight's wish. Once Twilight went in the door closed. As we waited a while longer Pinkie moaned.

"I'm borrrred." She rested her chin on a coffee table. "Can't we play any games or sing some songs?"

"What games can we play?" I pointed out. "I wouldn't mind a bit of a sing-song but, something tells me that singing songs written by humans would spoil it at a later date."

"Oh." Pinkie Pie certainly seemed disappointed.

"Of course some traditional songs shouldn't spoil so much." I reasoned in an attempt to perk things up; at any rate it made Pinkie seem to feel better.

"And what should we sing?" Mum asked cynically. I paused for a moment to consider this.

"Can you remember the Tipperary song?" I checked, being aware of the chorus but none-the-wiser about the verses.

"Just the obvious." She replied with a shrug.

"What's that about a tip o'Rari?" Pinkie asked.

"Tipperary." I replied. "It's the name of a town."

"You mean like Tippomarey?" Rarity checked.

"Wow." Rainbow Dash remarked. "That's a long way away." I smirked at this.

"It sure is a long way to Tippomarey." I chuckled with great difficulty restraining myself.

"Seriously?" I stated. "How many more place names are there that are built on puns?"

"I don't see what's so funny about what a place is called?" Rarity remarked.

"No? We've got some funny place names that aren't puns at all, but round here you've got Canterlot, Fillydelphia, and now Tippomarey." I really struggled to restrain my humour. "And it's a long way to Tippomarey."

"Care to explain?" Rainbow Dash asked with a frown.

"It's a long way to Tipperary, it's a long way to go. It's a long way to Tipperary, to the sweetest girl I know." Mum and I sang while dad rolled his eyes. "Farewell Piccadilly, so long Leicester Square! It's a long, long way to Tipperary for my heart lies there!"

"Oh." Rarity piped once we settled down. "Well, Tippomarey's only about as far as Appleloosa, it just takes longer to get there. It's rather an obscure backwater with three neighbouring villages; Coltkenny, Conimarera and Le Marewick."

"Where the cats come from, where the have all the bombs and the home of poetry." I recited, earning looks of bewilderment.

"Bogs!" Mum corrected. "Bogs! Not bombs."

"Are you telling us that our place names resemble places you know?" Rainbow Dash asked.

"Not personally." I replied. "We've got places like the legendary, and yet to be confirmed locations of, Camelot, the city of Philadelphia, Tipperary, Kilkenny, Conimara, Limerick."

"Why's there a place in your world called Kill-Kenny?" Pinkie asked. "Why did they kill him? Doesn't sound very nice."

"K-I-L-K-E-N-N-Y." I spelled out. "I don't know the meaning of the name but it's Irish."

"And how many nationalities have you got?" Rarity asked.

"Nigh on two hundred, if I recall." Celestia informed us, prompting me to thump my chest again in acknowledgement of her presence. "But I'm sure we'll learn more about humans as time passes. Now, Pinkie Pie, I know sitting around's not really your thing but this is a rather serious business, so if you could go on ahead." The pink pony popped off as instructed.

"See ya later, alligator!" She cried as she exited the waiting room.

"In a while, crocodile." Mum remarked. "Ma'm, if I may venture?"

"Please do." Celestia acknowledged. "And I'd rather you didn't call me 'mum'. The idea that you're my offspring can lead to unfortunate repurcussions."

"Beggin' your pardon, Princess." I responded in the tone I used for my Windsor Davies impressions. "But she meant ma'am, short for madam, it's just normal for the British to pronounce it 'mum'." And she smiled and gestured acceptance of this.

"I was just wondering if I could have a smoke?" Mum continued. "Only I guess we're not allowed out of here just yet and it's become a habit of mine to only have fags outside."

"Not to worry." Celestia answered. "The concoction prescribed is generally harmless after all; if you could just throw any waste onto the fire, only the cleaners don't take too kindly to having ashes scattered all over." Mum nodded in response and got her pipe out. "Would the next eldest please come through?" Dad stepped forward and she led him through. There was the suggestion of conversation this time where before we could hear nothing of what was going on, but it seemed that they forgot to close the door behind them this time.

"So," Rainbow Dash spoke up with a tone of boredom as though to break the ice, "Any more simple songs you'd care to share?"

"I must say," Rarity added, "Your style is very passionate without being uncouth like most of this rock music."

"That might be because the Tipperary song isn't rock." I pointed out. "It's a sort-of folk song. Anyway there might be a couple we could try." There was a pause before mum suggested.

"What about Mike Oldfield?"

"Don't think so." I answered nervously. "It might be a spoiler for us to sing one of his." I thought for a while before, suddenly. "Aha! There's a few we used to sing at primary school, so it's perfectly suitable for foals."

"Well, that certainly sounds reasonable." Rarity consented. After a pause I started, although I tripped a few times when I wanted to pluralise where it shouldn't have been.

"Johnny's lost his marble, Johnny's lost his marble, Johnny's lost his marble down in granny's yard. He lost it up the drainpipe, he lost it up the drainpipe, he lost it up the drainpipe, down in granny's yard. So he went and he got the clothes-prop, so he went and he got the clothes-prop, so he went and he got the clothes-prop down in granny's yard. And he rammed it UP the drainpipe, and he rammed it UP the drainpipe, and he rammed it UP the drainpipe down in granny's yard. But still he couldn't find it, but still he couldn't find it, but still he couldn't find it, down in granny's yard. So he went and he got the terrier, so he went and he got the terrier, so he went and he got the terrier down in granny's yard. And he tied it to the clothes-prop, and he tied it to the clothes-prop, and he tied it to the clothes-prop down in granny's yard. And he rammed it UP the drainpipe, and he rammed it UP the drainpipe, and he rammed it UP the drainpipe down in granny's yard. But still he couldn't find it, but still he couldn't find it, but still he couldn't find it, down in granny's yard. So he went and he got the policeman," By this time Rainbow Dash joined in, "So he went and he got the policeman, so he went and he got the policeman, down in granny's yard. And he tied 'im to the clothes-prop, and he tied 'im to the cltohes-prop, and he tied 'im to the clothes-prop down in granny's yard. And he rammed 'im UP the drainpipe, and he rammed 'im UP the drainpipe, and he rammed 'im UP the drainpipe down in granny's yard. But still he couldn't find it, but still he couldn't find it, but still he couldn't find it, down in granny's yard. So he went and he got some dynamite," Mum sniggered now in spite of her apparent inability to remember this tune, "So he went and he got some dynamite, so he went and he got some dynamite, down in granny's yard. And he tied it to the clothes-prop, and he tied it to the clothes-prop, and he tied it to the clothes-prop down in granny's yard. And he rammed it UP the drainpipe, and he rammed it UP the drainpipe, and he rammed it UP the drainpipe... and he blew up granny's yard." Both my mum and Rainbow Dash laughed out loud at this, Rarity giggled a bit but seemed apprehensive of this. "Johnny's found his marble, Johnny's found his marble, Johnny's found his marble down in granny's yard. It was in his bloomin' pocket, it was in his bloomin' pocket, it was in his bloomin' pocket down in granny's yard!" I almost corpsed myself at the last line.

"That was Brilliant!" Rainbow Dash declared. "That Johnny fella sounds like a right fruitcake"

"I'm not so sure about letting foals hear it." Rarity pointed out. "What's dynamite anyway?"

"It's an explosive invented by Alfred Nobel to make mining more efficient." I answered. "Unfortunately it's also been used in warfare as a key explosive component in artillery. At this time I feel unable to divulge the active ingredient but it's typically shown as bright red sticks."

"And you used to sing about someone using it irresponsibly when you were just a child?" Rarity checked with a tone of indignance.

"Yes, we did." I answered. "I suppose it was due to the fact that two particularly horrific wars had occurred within living memory at that time; less than a hundred years before my primary school years."

"I'm surprised you can remember songs you sang in assembly." Mum added once the inconsistencies were cleared up, or so I thought at first.

"Hang on." Rainbow Dash stated. "What's a policeman?"

"A male police officer, usually a constable." I answered, earning another confused look. "The police is a non-military force tasked with maintaining law and order without resorting to violence or breaking the law themselves; hence a few commissions have been set up for people to complain to if they feel the police force has failed in some way, as an attempt to solve the paradox highlighted by the old adage 'Who watches the watchers?'." Rarity was definitely gobsmacked by this news, Rainbow Dash seemed to be but was actually trying to hide it and, in light of my condition, I couldn't be too sure with her.

"Did I miss anything?" We turned to see Twilight standing there as the door closed behind her.

"Just a kiddy song I learned from primary school." I answered.

"Well," She sat upon a rug, "Your dad's undergoing the psychological profiling right now so we should have time for another."

"Okay." I paused as I tried to recall one I knew completely. "This is a counting song, but some of the rhymes'll probably be different to the original." I bobbed my head as I recalled the headteacher's guitar strumming. "The ants are marching one-by-one, hurrah, hurrah. The ants are marching one-by-one, hurrah, hurrah. The ants are marching one-by-one, the little one stopped to suck his thumb. They all went... marching... across the floor, under the door, down the drain, in from the rain." I couldn't stop myself from moving my arms and body like I was practicing skiing for the next bit. "Zoom! Zoom! Zoom!" Twilight looked rather confused but Rainbow Dash was chuckling over my head. "The ants are marching two-by-two, hurrah, hurrah. The ants are marching two-by-two, hurrah, hurrah. The ants are marching two-by-two, the little one stopped to tie his shoe." Rainbow Dash joined in at this point already. "They all went... marching... across the floor, under the door, down the drain, in from the rain. Zoom! Zoom! Zoom!" With the next verse, Rainbow Dash joined in upon the second line but had to pause at the bit about the little one. "The ants are marching three-by-three, hurrah, hurrah. The ants are marching three-by-three, hurrah, hurrah. The ants are marching three-by-three, the little one stopped to climb a tree. They all went... marching... across the floor, under the door, down the drain, in from the rain. Zoom! Zoom! Zoom! The ants are marching four-by-four, hurrah, hurrah. The ant are marching four-by-four, hurrah, hurrah. The ants are marching four-by-four, the little one stopped to... shut the door? They all went... marching... across the floor, under the door, down the drain, in from the rain. Zoom! Zoom! Zoom!" With the next one Rarity actually joined in but stopped on the last bit where Twilight recited in a rather unimpressed monotone, but I started so I decided to finish. "The ants are marching five-by-five, hurrah, hurrah. The ants are marching five-by-five, hurrah, hurrah. The ants are marching five-by-five, the little stopped to enter the hive. They all went... marching... across the floor, under the door, down the drain, in from the rain. Zoom! Zoom! Zoom! The ants are marching six-by-six, hurrah, hurrah. The ants are marching six-by-six, hurrah, hurrah. The ants are marching six-by-six, the little one stopped to pick up sticks. They all went... marching... across the floor, under the door, down the drain, in from the rain. Zoom! Zoom! Zoom!" By now only mum wasn't singing along; she just watched indignantly. "The ants are marching seven-by-seven, hurrah, hurrah. The ants are marching seven-by-seven, hurrah, hurrah. The ants are marching seven-by-seven, the little one stopped to go to heaven. They all went... marching... across the floor, under the door, down the drain, in from the rain. Zoom! Zoom! Zoom!" Rainbow Dash even mimicked my ejaculations at the end of the verse this time. I didn't realise it at the time but another voice now entered the choir. "The ants are marching eight-by-eight, hurrah, hurrah. The ants are marching eight-by-eight, hurrah, hurrah. The ants are marching eight-by-eight, the little one stopped to shut the gate. They all went... marching... across the floor, under the door, down the drain, in from the rain. Zoom! Zoom! Zoom! The ants are marching nine-by-nine, hurrah, hurrah. The ants are marching nine-by-nine, hurrah, hurrah. The ants are marching nine-by-nine, the little one stopped to..."

"Smell the pine." A certain maternal voice provided.

"They all went... marching... across the floor, under the door, down the drain, in from the rain. Zoom! Zoom! Zoom!" I smiled in a way that they could've taken to mean I was enjoying the crooning but I was actually thinking about the next verse. "The ants are marching ten-by-ten, hurrah, hurrah. The ants are marching ten-by-ten, hurrah, hurrah. The ants are marching ten-by-ten, the little one stopped to say 'THE END'!"

"They all went marching across..." I smirked at this. It never failed before and it didn't fail here. However my smile faded when I saw somepony standing in the doorway. Nervously I thumped my chest with my right hand and held it up like you'd see in a production based on Ancient Rome.

"I haven't heard that song in centuries." Celestia remarked. "It's such a refreshing break to hear the old ditty."

"Princess!" Twilight cried out. "We haven't kept you waiting have we?"

"I do apologise." I added. "Thing is, when I actually start on a song I tend to get carried away."

"Someone oughta carry you away." Mum quoted with a snigger, which I reciprocated.

"It's all right." Celestia answered. "Anyway we're now ready for you, Mrs." Mum emptied her pipe and put it away before walking up to the Princess.

"Just for the record, ma'm," Mum told her, "I'll do this with those who need it done but anyone who's just curious I'd rather didn't attend."

"Very well." Celestia conceded and gently rested a hoof on Twilight's shoulder. "Rainbow Dash, if you could go on through to where the others are waiting." In a flash the pegasus was through the door.

Now that it was just me with Rarity and Twilight the room fell quiet again, my eye fixed upon the crackling fire while Rarity talked about some of the shops to be found in Canterlot. I tried to listen now and then but, even in Equestria, the appeal of fashion to me was not much more than the appeal of watching sports. As my mind thought ahead to what I'd have to talk about and what I expected to be required to be quiet about the time rolled by a bit more swiftly before Celestia came in again.

"Rarity," She said, "If you could go through to the room where the others are waiting. Twilight, in light of what I expect to find in this next session you'd best go on ahead as well. Colin, please come through." I stood up and almost marched forward, tagging behind the majestic being as she led me into the next room.

Author's Note:

Okay. I'm disappointed in myself that this took me over the 5,000 word mark, so I'd be willing to receive a few pointers regarding my literary style.

Comments

[Lone Spartan]

Rainbow Dash even mimicked my ejaculations at the end of the verse this time

...... -_-

Do not complain about going OVER the word limit! It is a good thing(even if most of it was song)!

[Hereward]

2836188 A few pointers...

Bastard humans: That is built around my own frustration with how humanity has behaved but, over time, it'll mellow as the full-scope becomes apparent while discussing the differences between our two worlds.

Instant Acceptances: We have no projectile weapons and my granddad was the first to arrive, so the ponies are bound to see that he's of no danger due to age and the gradual arrival also ensures that they have reasonable methods for dealing with it.

Equestria is a Utopia: Um, perhaps not completely but compared to how humanity has to function it is, it's all a matter of how things progress in the long run. Besides the two-parter that closes the 2nd series, the two-parter that opens the 3rd series and subsequent follow-ons are NOT recognised by this brony.

Give it time and things should start to get a bit rougher.

[Blade Star]

# It's a long way to Tippomarey, it's a long way to go # This ponified song has been stuck in my head for the last 15 minutes.

Unlike JacktheBrony, who has finally stopped complaining, I have no problem with the supposed problems with this story. This is a concept I may consider utilising when I get around to writing my first fic. But perhaps I will use a more typical HiE style, except with a family instead of the individual. Such a story would negate the typical problem of homesickness as well as preventing the story from turning into some Celestia forsaken ship/harem fic. Good story sir, have a moustache.