A portion of an extended human family turns up in Equestria.
Based on Locoattack1's fanfic A New World. Members of the interwedded families of Slater and Cartwright are transported into Equestria in quick succession, but only one of them is a brony. How will the ponies react to these aliens appearing out of nowhere? What contributions can they give to this society?
For both worlds this is set in (an) alternative universe(s) and only 56 episodes have been made of MLP:FiM.
This is a self-insert fanfic. If you consider these kinds of writing egotistic I'd advise against reading this.
We were just having our dinner, or should I say I had just finished mine while mum and dad were still at theirs. It was a splash of normalcy in an otherwise dreadfully unbalanced week. Wednesday had quite a sensation and a turmoil of emotions within the family when my granddad's house had mysteriously vanished during the night previous; oddly enough the gardens and fencing had remained while the driveway, garage, greenhouse, patio, garden path and shed had vanished with it, especially when the car was still there sitting in a copse that had substituted the residence. The six o'clock news was just about to start when the phone rang. Mum groaned and dad moved to get up but I practically leapt up and beat him to it.
"Hello." I said.
"Oh, 'ello ma darlin'." An all-too-familiar voice replied; I was stunned.
"Just a moment please." I squeaked, taking the receiver away and putting my hand over the mouth piece. "Could someone pinch me?" I turned to my parents.
"What?" Mum returned.
"I'm having trouble believing this phonecall, but the voice..." She put her plate down and came over to do so. I cringed in response and bared my teeth. "Okay." I went back to the phone. "Sorry, but is it really you, granddad?" Both of my parents now stared at me as the call continued.
"Sure is." He answered. "I certainly had a shock when I opened me cur'ains Wednesday mornin'. The whole scenery had changed, it's like a cartoon countryside out there."
"Granddad," I asked as deja vu bubbled up from within, "Have you ended up in some other dimension?"
"Well, I guess it's sommin' like 'at." He replied. "I've 'ad to do a bit of learnin' round here. The whole world is populated by talkin' ponies." My eyes bulged out and goosebumps crept all over my back. "Before you question it one of 'em's 'ere righ' now if you'd like a word."
"Are you sure?" I asked. "Would it really want to talk with me?"
"Oh, yeah." He affirmed. "She's been asking a lot about humans and my family. She kinda reminds me o' you." I could feel where this was going, it began with an E.
"Okay." I took a deep breath. "Put'er on." There was a pause and I heard some distant mutterings through the earpiece, one was clearly female and seemed slightly familiar.
"Hello." The female's voice came on the phone. "Are you really Mr Slater's grandson?" My heart leapt to my throat as I recognised just who was speaking.
"Yep." I answered. "I'm the youngest of'em. Would you happen to be... a unicorn?"
"How did you guess?!?" There was excitement in her voice. "I'm Twilight Sparkle, the local librarian and I study under our Princess of the day." I bit my lip as I struggled to contain my excitement. Twilight Sparkle was on our phone!
"That's quite a coincidence." I just managed to get out. "I do some part-time work in a college library myself."
"Wow!" She answered. "Are you keen on organisation?" I paused as I wondered exactly how to answer this; I was fairly organised but certainly not to the extent she was.
"Well, I'm somewhat organised. It depends on what it is and if I'm in the mood."
"Are humans typically a moody bunch?"
"Oooh." I really struggled here. "We're multifaceted. Some of us are more emotional than others." There was a pause. "I'm finding it difficult to believe that we're using a telephone when we're not even in the same universe."
"Yeah," She giggled, "I've been trying to wrap my head round how it all works. One day everything was perfectly normal and the next a house appeared out of nowhere occupied by a primate the likes of which nopony's ever seen before." Another pause. "I had so much to ask you and talk about but now I can't think of anything to say." I could almost feel her blushing.
"The feeling's mutual, Miss Sparkle." I commented dryly.
"Anyway I think your granddad wants to say something else, so I'll just say goodbye for now. Hopefully we'll get to talk some more some other time." The implications were enormous but I just made a polite farewell to her and waited.
"You still there, darlin'?" Granddad asked.
"Yeah." I breathed out, once again the craziness had subsided.
"Can yer put David on?" He asked.
"Yeah, just hang on for a bi' please." I moved the receiver away and put my hand over it again. "Dad, granddad want t'speak to yer." He shared a look of disbelief with mum before putting down his Chinese and retrieving the receiver.
"H...hello dad." He started. "What? Yeah. Oookayyy. You sure? Right." I sat back down, wondering if the disbelief would leave the chow mein untouched. "How are y'coping with all that? Okay." I felt a strong urge bubbling up as everything began to settle in, I crossed and uncrossed my legs, I bit my lip. A *yamf* from the kitchen gave me enough reason to briefly leave the living room.
I just had a phone conversation with Twilight Sparkle! I squeed as quietly as I could, leaning against the worktop. Once that's out of my system I took a glance at Tibba, sitting in front of her bowls looking as pitiful as she could.
*Yamf*
"You got food!" I moaned at her. It was like reading off a script with this cat. Every dinner time she'd be mooching either at our feet, in the doorway or in the kitchen; always believing she'd get something regardless as to whether or not she even liked the food we were having at the time. She gave me that same huffy half-miaow. "There's nothing else." This was true. Mum was having curry, dad had chow mein and, since it wasn't the first Friday of the month, I had an omelette so nothing for pussy. I returned to the living room.
"Well, I'm sure there'll be no trouble for you to ring whenever." Dad concluded. "Okay. Goodbye." He put the phone down with a stunned expression. He turned to my mum. "He says he's livin' in a world of talking horses."
"Ponies." I muttered.
"Are you serious?!?" She asked.
"That's what he told me." Dad confirmed, returning to his plate. Curiously enough the next item on the news gave us all goosebumps.
"Earlier this morning," The reporter stated, "The residents of Achadh Mòr awoke to find that the home of one Jane Brown, widow, had mysteriously vanished during the night. All that's left are the gardens and car. The lack of witnesses and reliable evidence leaves investigators with no choice but to draw a blank. However, given that marshy terrain has taken place of the elements that have vanished, rumours are circulating that this is directly linked to the disappearance of the property on Clarence Road, Enderby on Wednesday." We shared an uncomfortable glance.
"Think we should give'er a ring?" I asked.
"Best leave i'till tomorrow." Mum answered after a while.
That night I couldn't settle down. I was restless, or more restless than usual. Everything that had happened was swimming through my mind, trying to coalesce into a coherent and rational form; it was worse than having a strong artificial light shining on the curtains from the outside. Speak of the devil, someone in the neighbourhood let their hard outdoor light come on. I moved my mouth like I was shouting 'Put that light out!' but didn't actually speak for fear of upsetting someone, especially my mum. After a couple of minutes it went out anyway.
I couldn't remember what I was dreaming that night; I wasn't even sure if it was pony-related. I came round to the same somewhat annoying sound of my mum having her breakfast in bed, like every flaming weekend. I was rather bothered since I had this dreadful urge to turn over and fantasise but the sounds of either or both of my parents doing things upstairs no matter how mundane always put me off. I plugged my ears with my fingers in the hopes that it'd be some time soon when I could get the chance but I was still a bit weary and couldn't maintain the position. Then there was a moment of relative quiet but before I could start coming up with an elaborate storyline dad came upstairs to retrieve mum's dirties.
Just like a normal Saturday morning, there was muttering from the master bedroom before dad carried the dishes downstairs and then mum went to the bathroom; this was possibly the worst part of Saturday mornings, she was so heavy-footed and always seemed to slam the door and bolt it with the same force. I absolutely had to plug my ears now, ever since puberty I found the sounds of someone on the lavatory to be disgusting, especially her. Once again I was inconvenienced by the position but the worst had passed and now she was taking a fairly long time getting ready for the day; I couldn't really complain though as I always took a long time with the comb. Dad went to make their bed. Grunting emanated from the bathroom as she seemed to fuss over the enamel and I really got a problem as my bladder began sending desperate signals.
I was often a particularly late riser during the weekend, due to one thing and another, but most of my time in the bathroom was spent picking fluff out of my comb; for some reason I found the clumps of grime fascinating as they accumulated before washing them off. Once I got downstairs Tibba came bounding up to me, well not really 'bounding' more sort of 'clumsily running'.
*Raow*
"You be'aved yourself?" I asked, seeing as she had taken to leaving messages for me when I came down or back. I took a look round and gave a satisfied nod before retrieving my coat and shoes. Once I was ready to go I turned to the back door only to find the little madam mooching about her food dish, looking pathetic.
"All right." I moaned as I got the cat biscuits out. Almost as soon as I poured them she got her nose in.
The rest of the day went deceptively normal. I got home after my parents and made my bed while mum fussed about with the polish, then they went out for lunch while I did my own thing. I was in my most regular place when they returned, on the computer.
"Did you want to ring Auntie Jane?" Mum shouted up. Immediately I turned the screen off and almost leapt out of the chair while answering affirmatively in an enthusiastic tone.
The phone rang thrice while I stood filled with a mix of uncertainty and anticipation before it was answered.
"Hello?" Came a mousy voice.
"'Eya, Aun'." I replied.
"Oooh, Colin!" She perked up. "I didn't think I'd hear from anyone. How did you know the phones would be connected?"
"Same thing 'appened t' Granddad." I told her. "Di'n't yer see any other humans 'ere?"
"Oh, no." She replied. "I've not even been into town yet. I'm sorry to say that, while I'll miss you all, I think I'm going t'be very happy here; everyone's so friendly and it's all so cheerful." I was very ambivalent about this.
"I'm just glad you're okay." I sighed.
"Oh, it's more than okay here. Yesterday, about noon, there was this crowd of ponies assembled outside the house. I'm no' really sure how to describe them."
"How about 'colourful'?"
"Oh, yes. Very colourful. Why this whole society seems to've been built by ponies! I know it sounds silly bu..."
"Easy now. I do believe you because, like I said, granddad's been through the same thing and he phoned us last night."
"Well," She recovered her original point, "The crowd was there for a while and Bunker went out and gave a cautious sniff at some of their hooves; when they all smiled at him I figured I could try and meet them. So, I stepped out the door and..."
"Yes?"
"I could just feel all their eyes on me and this tall gracious one stepped forward. I felt like I was meeting the Queen." That's putting it mildly. I thought. "It came as a shock when I learned she was actually a princess. She gave a friendly greeting and said that I would be welcome as a potential citizen of her country. You'll laugh when I say it's name."
"No I won't. It's 'Equestria', isn't it?"
"Yes!" She cried. "Barely half an hour after that this really excitable pink one came up and started rambling about becoming friends and gave me a party invitation."
"Did you go?" I asked in an almost warning tone.
"I only got back an hour ago." I cocked an eyebrow. I'd always figured that Pinkie Pie threw her welcome parties in the afternoon until late.
"Just to provide reassurance," I asked, "Would you like to speak with mum?"
"Thank you, Colin." I handed over the receiver.
I had a lot to think about. I was thrilled but frightened by the news. Which version of Equestria was it? Of the 56 episodes in the series up to 10 had some form of especially unsettling plot elements and some of the fanfics chose some extremely hostile storylines. Would we end up there? At least I could see Jane and Granddad again and I'd be amongst the ponies! An image of Princess Celestia flashed into my mind. Once the thrill of the idea of meeting the sun goddess ebbed I wondered 'If Jane met Celestia, did Granddad?'.
"Cor." Mum moaned once the phone call was over. "Everything's going crazy these days. How did Jane and yer dad," She looked at my dad, "End up in some kind of schoolgirl's fantasy world?!?" I felt a weight in my gut, the feeling of guilt. I had admitted to myself that I was a brony a few months ago and wondered what exactly it would be like to live under the yoke of the, as the fanon described them, alicorns. I feared that perhaps it was mind over matter, that I was in some way responsible.
I mentioned that I'd like to have a bath that night. Although unusual they asked no awkward questions and dad already had his. It was a gut instinct that made me decide on this. Every time I took a bath I'd get into a strange ambivalent state where, on the one hand, I wanted to just languish and drift away but, on the other, I was conscious that there was only one lavatory in the house and three people.
Not even a good soak could alleviate the turmoil in my mind. Is it a better Equestria than canon? Did waking up in another dimension damage their health? What emotional impact could it leave in the long run? It was going to be another rough night.
As I lay awake my mind swam with the chances and the dangers. Now and again I tried to force myself to stop overthinking the negatives in case there was some psionic influence. Then I suddenly felt at ease, a tone of hope crept through and a key memory flashed in my mind; my eyes bulged and I gasped as I chuntered the immortal phrase.
"Colin!" My dad called through in an unusual desperate tone. "Have a look out your window! I can't believe what I'm seeing out there." I groaned as I rose in such conditions that I was unused to; sitting on the side of my bed as I did my best to recover my sensibilities. Once the implications sunk in my head shot up. Can it be...? I thought as I stood. Due to my suspicions I took a quick peek through the curtains and gasped in surprise and wonder. I bit down to stop myself from giving a cry of elation. Instead of the back garden, the neighbourhood that I grew up in and the warehouse there were now rolling fields and tall distant mountains with a colour scheme that denoted what had happened.
We were in Equestria!!!
I could hardly believe it myself; lacking any other way of determining if it was a dream I took a swig of ribena, the sickly taste of tepid fruit juice seemed to confirm I was awake. Slowly I worked my way round the foot of my bed, picking up my pyjama top and putting it on once I was on the other side. I opened the door. The door to the master bedroom was ajar but, instead of the reddish-golden hue of sunlight passing through the curtains, hard white light showed indicating that their curtains were wide open. I wasn't sure how much somepony outside would be able to see through their net curtain and just hoped that they wouldn't take alarm or catch either of them undressed. Dad came out of the room next to mine looking like he'd seen a ghost.
"Did you...?" He asked. I wasn't too sure what he was getting at so I replied.
"Out the window?" I checked. "Yes. I'd guess it's one of four things. Either of us is experiencing a hallucination, one of us is in a coma, we died last night and this is an afterlife or we've gone where Granddad and Auntie Jane did." He looked partially incredulous and moved into the master bedroom.
"This is totally crazy." Mum moaned. "I've been seeing something flying around out there and it's not like any bird I know." I took a deep breath and decided to carry on as normally as possible. I attended to my ablutions. Concerned that certain utilities were temporarily out of service I skipped the fickle parts with the comb and did everything with one sinkful of water.
I kept the curtains closed as I dressed; partly because I didn't want any pegasus ponies peeking on me in the buff but also because I was concerned how everypony would react to three humans at once turning up, especially if two of them were relatively fit compared to what had come before. Since mum hadn't finished in the bathroom once I was dressed I decided to make the bed early.
"OH FUDGE!" She cried as I flapped the mattress. It was always so unnerving when she did that. I finished up and went downstairs. It wasn't too long before she followed. "There's no water left." She moaned. Dad went over and checked the kitchen taps.
"What do we do?" He asked. "We'll need to find some way of getting the supply back but..." I looked over. It was a concern that the living room curtains were open but the net curtain remained. Outside the driveway was there but the car wasn't and in place of the residential lane there was a small dirt track. Not too far beyond that was some charming woodland that I guessed was Whitetail Wood.
"Sooner or later," I mused, "We'll have to make contact with the natives."
"Oh, don't you start." Mum complained. I gave her a glance, worried that she wouldn't shake the attitude. "I need a fag."
"That means going outside." I pointed out. "Do you really want to be apprehended so quick?"
"I'll smoke when I want to smoke. Don't get all preachy again."She grabbed a coat and went into the kitchen. There was some frantic scuffling and grumbling before she turned back to me. "Where are my fags?!? What have you done with them?"
"I haven't touched them." I defended, raising my hands. "I wouldn't dare interfere."
"For heaven's sake!" She cried. "We're stuck in a kid's cartoon and I can't have a smoke." She bagan banging her head moderately against the dining room wall.
We just about made do without water. I had some more ribena instead of tea along with some honey on toast while my mum had porridge made with milk and a drink of coke. Dad didn't bother since he already had his breakfast. The problem was washing up without water. Looking out the front door I could see the locals assembling outside; the sight of these colourful equines was very cheering but, at the same time, I was apprehensive as to how we'd be received. Among the ponies standing at the end of the drive I thought I could identify Berry Punch and Golden Harvest but at the time I couldn't find the Mane Six.
"Seem to be drawing quite a crowd." Dad remarked. Turning round I saw a few more ponies staring at us through the patio door from just beyond the patio itself. I figured it was a mistake opening the curtains. Just then I saw something that took my breath away. The iconic sight of the royal chariot coming into land about where the jitty between the warehouse and the garden fence was before.
"The time has crumbs." I muttered. It wasn't long before those ponies out the back parted and bowed as the Princess Celestia stepped forward and actually placed her hoofs on our patio. The clip-clop of those golden shoes so clearly audible. She then called out; her voice was recognisable but different to the series, having this extraordinary tone of eternal motherly love and wisdom denoting her superiority over all mortal life.
"Human occupants," She declared, "Please reveal yourselves so we may assess the situation that has come to our attention." The only reason she spoke like this that I could fathom was making sure we realised exactly who was in charge, not that I'd argue at this time.
"What're we gonna do?" Mum asked. "I've never faced anything like this, even with English authority."
"Just do what comes naturally." I said. "It's obvious that resistance is useless."
"How can you make a joke out of this?!?" She checked. We were now stood in the dining room; my dad and I were putting our shoes on, mum already had hers on when she went looking for her cigarettes. I could see Celestia making a few glances in at us, her eyebrow arching now and again.
"When there's nothing to do people do odd things." I suggested as I followed my dad to the back door. It didn't help matters that Tibba was mooching again. With us all in line in the kitchen dad opened the door. Stepping out there was a striking air that flowed in, making us feel as we would when visiting a stately home. We lined up in front of the majestic being that was Princess Celestia, somehow instinctively organising ourselves in order of height with my dad at my right and my mum at my left. Then they figured how to respond to royalty as her gaze pierced us. Mum knelt on one knee as though she might be receiving a knighthood, dad bowed in the classic style while I got down on my knees and I pretended to pray (Arms held up in front, elbows and wrists together, palms slghtly parted and thumbs on the eyeline). Though my mind was filled with a sense of honour, privilege and a comic tone my face winced as my knees came into contact with the paving. Celestia's gaze came onto me in full and her lips contorted into a serene smile.
"Well, that's new." She remarked, lifting her hoof up. I recognised the gesture and got to my feet. My dad also stood up straight as he seemed to understand what she wanted but mum still knelt. "Miss, you my rise." She stood up.
"Pardon our delay, your highness." I addressed her. "We weren't in total agreement as to how this'd go."
"Evidently." There was a glint in her eye, suggesting amusement to our debating from earlier. "Which of you has ownership of this house?" My dad admitted to being the key breadwinner, but pointed out that it was in both his and my mum's name. "And your name would be...?"
"David Slater, your majesty." He answered. She held a hoof out to him, which he took in his right hand and gave it a light peck to the gasping of the assembled masses, who were now all crowding behind the alicorn.
"Shaking would've been sufficient." She commented, prompting a few nervous giggles from the ponies. There was a long pause as dad resumed standing almost to attention and Celestia put her hoof back down. We could now see that she was indeed a very tall figure, head and shoulders over my dad. "Would anypony care to further the introductions?" I hoped I wouldn't overstep my bounds.
"Dad," I stated, "This is Princess Celestia." She gave me a slightly startled look.
"I did say 'anypony', didn't I?" I felt a knot in my stomach but caught another glint in her eye.
"I wasn't sure if any of your ponies would be able to carry out introductions with someone they'd never met before, princess." I replied with a small grin.
"One thing, though." She addressed me. "How did you know who I was?" All eyes were fixed on me.
"It's rather difficult to explain at the moment." I admitted after a pause. "I would explain it to you and to your sister but for anypony else to hear of it, I'd say it would be a need-to-know basis at your discretion." The divine equine smiled at this and gave a nod of her head.
"We'll cross that bridge later." She accepted. "And who might this female be?"
"Princess, this is my mum." I introduced. "Lindsy Slater née Cartwright. No offense." This was met be a jovial giggle from Celestia. "Mum, Princess Celestia." The stout woman gave me a funny look before turning back to the Princess.
"I apologise if I come across as abrupt." She stated. "But I've got no fags and am liable to go into withdrawal." Celestia seemed concerned and stumped as she glanced at me.
"There's a herb in the human world called tobacco." I explained. "It contains a number of toxins including the highly addictive nicotine, which has led to those who 'just try it' to become ardent smokers. Fag is a slang term for cigarettes, which are small white sitck-like tubes of tobacco. Most people who use tobacco, you see, put a flame to it to create a slow smouldering fire and inhale the resulting fumes." The Princess took this in and turned to the assembled crowd.
"Would somepony please find the zebra herbalist I've heard so much about?" Her tone was urgent but still carried a tone that suggested she wouldn't be offended if anyone refused. Before long I spotted a familiar figure leap out of the crowd and shout.
"No worries, Princess." No doubt who this was. "I'll be there and back before you can say manticore." She shot off in a flash.
"Ponies can fly?" Mum asked, bewildered.
"Pegasus ponies can." I remarked. Celestia glanced between us.
"I hope this doesn't occur too much." She mentioned. "It's the third time in a week."
"We are aware of this fact, Princess." I mentioned. "First my granddad and then me aunt Jane." A pony came out of the crowd and stood on Celestia's left. It was the one and only Twilight Sparkle.
"You?" She gasped. "You're the old man's grandson? The one I...?"
"Aye." I answered. "The youngest of his grandsons."
"Talking of which," Celestia addressed me, "I don't believe I caught your name."
"Ah, apologies Princess." I bowed like dad had. "My name is Colin H. Slater." I glanced up. "I bet yer don't know what the 'H' stands for."
"Halberd?" Twilight guessed. I shook my head.
"Hereward. You were close, though." Celestia smiled with a strong tone of happiness.
"I think you will get along very well with my student." She remarked.
"I don't know how well we'll be able to mold to Equestrian society." I stated. "Humans have very strong fundamental flaws that tend to show through the most from adolescence to such a time as they might be considered elderly." Celestia made a half-laugh.
"Don't let it worry you, young human." She declared. "My little ponies have learned to be accommodating of many sentient species, and your grandfather was very helpful in our mutual adaptation." I was still somewhat apprehensive as I didn't know exactly which version of Equestria this was.
"When this little gathering's done!" Mum suddenly snapped. "Where can I get A FAG?!?" I backed into the door and some of the ponies backed off rather more; Celestia just sighed. However it soon became apparent to me that the laws of narrative were reasonably strong in this universe as a blue streak flew overhead with a cry.
"Zecora's on her way!" Looked up just in time to see Rainbow Dash settling down on the apex of our roof. Celestia turned about and talked to her pegasus guards in a low voice before they turned and took the chariot away due West.
"I fear that Zecora will need her to be down the doctor's." The Princess stated while looking at my mum.
"Or the vet's." I snarked. Celestia gave me a slight glance.
"You may be a new species," She stated, "But the decision has been made that humans are to be classified in social terms as being on the same lines as griffons. Thusly your medical needs will be aligned with the doctor's, just like it is with all equines." I was rather concerned as to what this would mean when it came to actual medical necessity. "There's much I wish to speak to you about, but this doesn't seem to be a suitable place for a long talk." She gave me a quick nod as I found myself shivering slightly in the cool Spring air. "If you would please follow me. There's somewhere in town I know of where we can improve our understanding of each other."
"Your majesty is much too generous." I stated. "But if we may acquire outdoor clothing before we leave?" I gestured to the house.
"I have plenty of time." She answered. We bowed and went back inside.
"You seem awfully well-informed." Dad commented dubiously.
"Why don't you do something useful with your life?!?" Mum snapped at me. I felt embarrassed by this, and a little bit guilty as I wondered what the cause of all this was. However the possibility of a new life in Equestria gave me the possibility of expanding on my chances of a career.
"Under the circumstances..." I ventured, hinting at the situation. When we stepped out Celestia hadn't budged an inch, Twilight was still on her left but now a zebra stood at her right.
"I believe your highness has need of me." She recited. "Is it the female I'm supposed to see?" She scrutinised us in a somewhat clinical manner.
"My dear Zecora," Celestia confirmed my suspicion, "Lindsy here has a terrible addiction to an alien herb that's been poisoning her body. Have you anything that can stop the urge from spreading through her system?"
"Addictions are tough to crack," She answered, "Please retain her at the hospital until I get back." Celestia gave her a nod and the witch doctor turned about and cantered away.
"I apologise about this," Celestia stated, "But it's for your own good." Her gaze was fixed on my mum as a couple of unicorn guards emerged from the crowd. "Please follow this escort down to the hospital; if you lose your temper then they'll have to restrain you." My mum looked nonplussed, rubbing her forehead as she tried to deal with two things at once.
"All these frilly ponies." She groaned. "I'll wake up in a minute." However she did allow the unicorn stallions to lead her off to the hospital. My dad promptly locked the door, resulting in a cocked eyebrow from the Princess.
"Please, walk this way." She turned off to the side and walked up the driveway; obviously she understood the relationship between driveways and paths but for her majestic bulk to pass between the house and the shed was an achievement that could only be explained at least as magic.
"If I could walk that way..." I remarked. Dad looked shocked that I'd say such a thing in front of a crowd of strangers (especially aliens) let alone a royal figure. When Celestia turned back she had a smirk on her muzzle.
"That's a new one." She almost giggled, gesturing with a wing for us to continue. Dad stared at her; the sense of awe and wonder in her presence never ebbed but the passage of time allowed the chance to cope with it.
"I've seen normal ponies, unicorns and pegasuses in the crowds here." He stated. "But for a pony to be both unicorn and pegasus."
"And earth pony." I added. Celestia glanced over with a smile as she glided by the bike shed while a bizarrely musical clip-clop made sure we knew she was actually walking.
"Well, I suppose you could say I'm all that and more, and at the same time none of those things." Her statement was cryptic but I thought I got the gist of it.
My father and I followed Princess Celestia along the dirt track that had replaced the road outside our house onto a larger unpaved road. The pony crowds had now broken up into those cantering off ahead of us and those following not-too-closely behind. A few glances back helped me identify some of the ponies in the crowd; Twilight and Rainbow Dash were pretty much up front with Twilight carrying saddlebags, not too far behind I could see Lyra, who wasn't quite as excited as some bronies would have you believe, and I could just make out Fluttershy trying to blend in as much as possible. Rainbow Dash had a somewhat dubious look in her eyes; I was tempted to nod in her direction to say 'understood' but decided not to in case they didn't think I was taking glances at them. The fact that Princess Celestia herself was not only greeting us on our first day in Equestria but was also escorting us into Ponyville was making me feel somewhat guilty.
"Princess," I spoke up whereupon she took a glance at me, "I just wish to offer our deepest apologies over the fact that our appearance in your kingdom has added to your workload substantially." She seemed puzzled for a moment before smiling and saying.
"Think nothing of it. It's technically my day-off anyway." My dad looked between the two of us in a confused manner.
"Just remember one thing." A tomboyish voice muttered in my left ear, a look over my shoulder confirmed it was Rainbow Dash. "If you give us any strife I'll take a strifing run at you."
"Rainbow Dash," I replied, "Though I do exhibit potentially aggressive attitudes when I'm anxious I can assure you that I have no ill-will towards the well-being of all the ponies who reside under Celestia's sun albeit I would appreciate evidence of a harder stance towards bullying." A number of ponies were now looking at me curiously.
"Hmph." The pegasus grunted. "And how can we be sure that's the truth." I grinned at this.
"Because I promise never to deliberately cause physical harm to anypony unless a figure of authority within the nation of Equestria requires me to. Cross my heart, hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye." For the final gesture I cupped my hand as if holding something before covering my eye with it. Everypony was now staring at me.
"You... know... how... to... Pinkie Promise?!?" Rainbow Dash was now more amazed than curious.
"The source of my understanding is classified." I repeated. "I shall tell only the Princesses and anyone they give clearance to."
"As long as you know how serious those promises are." She replied.
"Trust me, I don't make promises lightly."
We came into Ponyville almost directly from the East. I wasn't too sure at the time but it seemed to be about the same distance it was between our house and the village centre back in the human world. One thing was certain, it had a delightfully quaint appearance for a fully-functioning town; the imagery on the TV series didn't do it justice.
As the Princess led us along the street into the town centre a few more ponies now poked their heads out to see the new arrivals, many of them bowing only a second later as Celestia passed by. It was clear that nopony could ever look down on this majestic figure or even right in the eye; she must've been about eight feet tall or seven foot six or something if you only measure to her shoulder.
It soon became clear where we were heading as an iconic building came into view. I became rather apprehensive as I knew the kinds of welcome Pinkie Pie made. I bit my lip as Celestia led the two of us closer and closer.
My heart was going a mile a minute as Celestia led us up to the front door of Sugarcube Corner. Curiously enough, when she opened the door she did so with her hoof. And she stepped in I followed first, since I was the one who had the closest understanding of how things worked. The inside was, essentially, normal; the only key features were a few small groups of ponies either staring at the weird alien newcomers or gasping and bowing in the presence of their supreme overlord.
"Why, your highness." A matronly voice greeted before Mrs Cake came cantering up and made a deep bow. "What may we do for you?"
"Well, first off, you could drop the formalities." Celestia chuckled. "Since it's Sunday I've decided to handle the current inter-special relations personally." I cocked my eyebrow at this, wondering why they called it Sunday like we would; still it would explain why Celestia considered it her day-off. As I contemplated this the regal equine gestured towards us.
"Oh." Mrs Cake ejaculated upon seeing us. "Erm, well, nice to meet you, humans." She slowly walked towards us and gingerly held out her right front leg. "I'm Cup Cake and I'd just like to say Welcome to Sugarcube Corner." I seized the initiative while my dad looked confused, I carefully took her offered hoof in my hand and shook it gently but still firmly.
"The pleasure's all mine, Mrs Cake." I replied to her greeting. I released my grip on her hoof once I finished that sentence and she went back to serving Celestia.
"So, what does your majesty request?" I caught sight of the Princess rolling her eyes when Mrs Cake asked this.
"Just a table for three somewhere out of the way, please." She answered. Bowing once again the mature mare led us along to a table that was almost backed into a corner. "Please be seated." Both my dad and I obeyed standard etiquette and waited for Celestia to do so. She sat upon a cushion with her back to the corner of the wall while I sat facing the counter and dad parked himself with his back to the room; our positions effectively formed an equilateral triangle. Mrs Cake remained beside the table, having acquired a notepad en route.
"Is there anything I can get for you, dearies?" She asked, flinching afterwards. "Pardon me, your highness."
"No apologies necessary." She answered. "I'll have a cup of tea, please."
"What kinds of tea do you serve here?" I asked, not wanting to end up with anything overly flavoursome.
"Oh, we've got the typical brown tea," Mrs Cake replied, "And bergamot tea, green tea, peppermint tea and some white tea."
"I'll just have the typical kind of tea, thanks." I decided, hoping it was just like the kind associated with the English breakfast. My dad was rather nonplussed and seemed rather concerned that my behaviour wasn't too varied from the norm.
"I'd like a coffee, please." He finally decided in a hesitant tone. As Mrs Cake trotted into the kitchen I caught sight of Rainbow Dash and Twilight Sparkle sitting at a table as close as possible to us.
"I suppose you're wondering why I've asked you to accompany me here." Celestia stated after a minute of silence between us. I nodded.
"We can still guess, Princess." I added.
"Please, just 'Celestia'." She affirmed. "What guesses have you made?"
"You wish to find out about human civilisation." I answered. "You wish to inform us on what your policy is regarding illegal immigration." She gave me a smile.
"Not far off." She mentioned. "However, in light of the nature of your arrival, I've decided it should be classified as legitimate immigration."
"I'm sure we are most appreciative, your high..." Dad conceded.
"Celestia." I cut him off. She giggled at this.
"I shouldn't get too worried about the formalities." She informed us. "Since you are, technically, immigrants you can get away with dropping the titles more easily than my subjects." In spite of her magnificent aura I couldn't help but deliver a look of bewilderment at this. "My little ponies tend to take the view that formal titles are important when they address me." I sighed and nodded in understanding.
"If I may venture?" I checked, receiving a simple nod as a go-ahead from the divine equine. "Two human residences have already appeared in Equestria, so what do you already know?" There was something in her smile that suggested she was enjoying my style of inquiry.
"Well," She answered, "Humans are bipedal, you're omnivores but have a rather limited scope compared to the typical omnivore, apparently your history has been particularly rough and, for some reason, your architectural sensibilities are jumbled. I'm sorry if I've made an error on the last two but I've only had notes from Twilight and her friends on those fronts."
"I'd guess that the architectural bit was Rarity's opinion." I commented, prompting her to exhibit both amused agreement and cautious curiosity. "I don't blame her, really. Human architecture did go downhill in the past sixty years or so. As to our history being rough? Princess Celestia, to say it was rough is like saying Nightmare Moon wanted the night to be a bit longer. We've had more tragedies, horrors and injustices in our history than you've had years as sole monarch of Equestria." My dad couldn't understand why I made a comparison like that but Celestia looked stunned.
"More than a thousand of each?" She checked.
"At least." I replied. "I was gonna say more than you've had years on the throne, but I don't know how long that would be." She smiled but her eyes seemed sorrowful. Now my dad looked stunned.
"You've been reigning for a thousand years?!?" He was clearly in disbelief, and who could blame him.
"I was the only reigning Princess of Equestria for a thousand years," She answered, "And it's not something I wish to repeat."
"Indeed." I remarked. "I can't really conceive of just what it must've been like."
"No one can." She stated. "They can make vague analogies, but even they can't come close to how it was." For a moment I thought I saw a tear developing in her eye.
"Permission to change the subject, Celestia." I said. The look of sorrow vanished.
"Certainly." She answered.
"May I relay some immediate concerns?" She gave a nod. "If the only information available about humans in Equestria at this time is that we're limited omnivores and are bipeds, how can me mum be properly treated for her nicotine addiction?" She locked eyes with me. Under that gaze I felt safe, secure, relaxed, it was so hypnotic. The only thing that broke me out of it was when a hoof rested on my shoulder.
"All treatments used in our healthcare is compatible with all mammals, and even some non-mammals." She explained. "Nothing will cause undue harm, although trial and error will have to be used to find the best remedies." I bit my lip at this.
"Dad?" I asked. "You got anything to ask about?" He looked very uncertain. Being unfamiliar with this world in any way some of the subtleties were lost on him and my rather uncharacteristic casual attitude to the situation seemed to have been rather unhelpful. Just then the drinks arrived. Mrs Cake brought a proper tea tray up to the table and knocked it off her back and onto the table, I winced in the expectation that something would go wrong. There was an actual mug of black coffee and two matching tea-cups with a large ceramic teapot, a curved milk jug and even a bowl of sugarcubes.
"Will there be anything else, Princess?" She asked.
"Not just now, thank you." She answered. "This'll be most satisfactory." My dad seemed stimulated by this occurrance.
"Your highness," He spoke in a nervous monotone, "What do you use for currency here?"
"Bits." I answered promptly, getting another look of uncertainty from the majestic royal equine.
"One bit is equal in value to twenty shillings," She added, "And one shilling is equal to twelve pennies." My eyebrows shot up at this.
"Pri... Celestia," I declared, "Our home country's monetary system used to work like that! Before decimalisation it was twelve pence to the shilling and twenty shillings to the pound." Now she arched her eyebrows.
"Similar names and exchange rates?" She checked. "Interesting how our societies have had some convergance. Your granddad did provide information regarding the use of pounds and pence where you come from, but said that it was a hundred pence to the pound."
"It is." I answered. There was a pause, which Celestia didn't end because she could see me mulling over as I performed mental arithmatic. "It was changed from the non-decimal model around forty-two years ago."
"Really?" She seemed really interested by this. "It so happens that Equestria had a different system in its earlier history; it was thirty-two annos to a rein and sixteen reins to a bit. Due to the rather cumbersome nature of that system, coupled with the effects of inflation, my sister and I agreed to change it to its current form something like two thousand and thirteen years ago." She floated one of the cups towards her at the same time dad had to put his coffee down upon hearing this.
"Princess!" I cried. "Our standard measuring of years starts from that time." She seemed really intrigued by this.
"And the current year by your standard is...?" She asked.
"Twenty-thirteen." I answered.
"Of what age?" She was clearly looked for extrapolation.
"Err, of the common era, or anno domini depending on how people look at it."
"Year of authority?" She asked; her tone was clearly half-serious and half-facetious.
"Year of our Lord." I corrected. "You see the system of measuring years stems from the most widespread religious belief in the human world; the 'common era' bit stems from needing a convenient way of knowing a point in history or prehistory without any obvious religious connections." Her reaction was rather nonplussed.
"Why?"
"Because the religion in question has been called into question and has had rather a hypocritical history but also has an admirable side. The principle of religious tolerance might have something else to do with it." I felt rather forlorn at this time, going on and on in front of Princess Celestia herself. "What year is it by Equestrian measurements?" I ventured.
"Year three of the Third Age." This answer got a reaction from both my dad and I. I smirked slightly while dad corpsed.
"Good grief!" He groaned. "It's straight out of Tolkien." Celestia looked between us, clearly intrigued.
"What's Tolkien?" She asked.
"One of our home nation's greatest literary figures." I answered. "His works all take place in an alternative idea of how human mythology would make things out to be; indeed he spent his whole writing career trying to perfect the whole concept. Of course he had other jobs in his time, as a professor of English Literature at Oxford University." I was cut-off before I could continue.
"I have been informed that you call your language English," Celestia stated, "Even though it's exactly the same as Equestrian, so far. This University of Oxford, is it a good centre of learning?"
"Is it good?" I was very rhetorical at this time. "It's one of the biggest names in education where humanity's concerned."
"How many universities are there in your world?" Celestia asked with intrigue as she put a dribble of milk into her cup.
"Dunno." I answered. "There's nearly two hundred countries and more cities that you can shake a stick at and it's not just the cities that have universities." Once the milk jug was no longer in flight I picked it up myself and put in a fairly substantial amount before reaching over to give it to my dad.
"One thing I'd like to know... Celestia." My dad ventured once he put the milk back on the tray. "What do you count years from?"
"From a significant historical event, of course." Her answer was accompanied by a grin. "How do you measure yours?"
"Similar origin." I answered. "I think what dad meant was what event happened to yield this result."
"My sister's return." She replied. "The Ages of Equestria have been marked by a change in the country's leadership so far."
"Ah." I comprehended this. "So the First Age started when you became ruler, the Second Age when your sister left and the Third Age when she came back?"
"Close. The New Year has been marked as the first of January since Equestria was founded and I didn't fancy completely revamping the calender."
"So, today's the seventeenth of March?" I checked.
"Exactly. I take it our calender's are particularly similar?"
"Are the years here 365 days long?"
"Precisely. Are your years that long?"
"Not quite." I admitted. "A true year's about 365 and a quarter days, so we usually stick in an extra day for every fourth year." She seemed stunned by this.
"What about your days?" She asked.
"Approximately 24 hours long." I answered. "It's never exact because the wind, tides and so forth either speed up or slow down the Earth."
"Um," Twilight walked up to us as I put in a lump of sugar, "I couldn't help overhear." Both myself and the Princess smiled, knowing it was on purpose. "Did you just insinuate that your world moves?!?" By now my dad was looking really perplexed.
"Miss Sparkle," I replied, "To say the world we come from moves is like saying trees have leaves."
"Twilight," Celestia interjected, "I'm sure you'll get more opportunities to learn about humans, but for now why not just pull up a chair. This isn't a secret meeting you have to study espionage just to get into." The unicorn blushed at this and complied. Dad was staring at some of the things going on, especially since Celestia was now pouring the tea. "Mister Colin Slater, would you care for some tea?"
"It's an honour to receive your offer." I gasped in response, watching the large pot float over my cup.
"How do you do that?" Dad asked, clearly confused by everything that contradicted the accepted laws of nature.
"I might ask you the same question about how you can grasp things with your hands." Twilight stated. "You'd be hard-put finding a unicorn who couldn't do that." Dad looked like he was going to provide a retort when Twilight continued. "Mr Raymond Slater has informed me that magic in the human world is mostly just imaginary and the rest is just illusion, but I can assure you that unicorns and magic are as synonymous as humans and hands might be in your world." Now he looked totally flabergasted. I stirred my tea, causing quite a bit of sloshing that seemed to unnerve Twilight. It was a good thing Rarity didn't seem to be around or she'd have a fit. Once I was satisfied that the sugar was properly dissolved I tapped the spoon as dry as possible before setting it on the tray while I picked up the cup and the saucer, scraping the bottom of the cup on the edge to try and avoid getting any on the table before tipping the spillage in the saucer back into the cup before returning them to their normal orientation. My father seemed to be totally overwhelmed by everything that was going on.
"Please tell me that's not a human custom." Twilight said to me in an anxious tone.
"Nope." I replied. "It's just a habit I've picked up over the years." At this point Mr Cake came up to the table bowing before Celestia as per custom.
"Beg pardon, your majesty." He greeted. "But will you be requiring anything else?" Celestia now glanced between my dad and myself. Taking the hint dad shook his head while I paused and made an exaggerated shrug (palms up with v-shaped arms).
"Please," She addressed me, "Don't hold back. The truth is it's best we stay for a while until your utilities are completely hooked up." I thought for a moment before deciding.
"Well, if it's not too much, could I have some biscuits to go with the tea?" Clearly Mr Cake had to think this over before giving a nod.
"And I'd be happy to partake of your strawberry shortcake." Celestia informed him. It seemed that everything was getting beyond my dad as he appeared to be struggling with the concept of a royal figure who could be both indulgent or opulent and maintain an approval rating typically only enjoyed by populist or oppressive rulers when she was most certainly not inclined towards the latter. "Twilight? Care for anything?"
"Well, since you're asking, Princess." She replied. "I'll have a couple of cupcakes." I immediately starting clapping my hands under the table as quietly as possible, not wanting to look too much like a fool.
Pinkie Pie, Rainbow Dash, always will be friends! I chuntered before squeezing my nose for a second; it's very difficult playing pat-a-cake by yourself.
"So, how much will it be?" Celestia asked, prompting Mr Cake to tremble a bit.
"Oh, please, your highness." He said. "It's o..." She cut him off.
"No. I insist on paying the full price. I get enough of the royal treatment in Canterlot." My dad was no staring incredulously.
"Canterlot?!?" He blurted out.
"Canterlot!" Everypony within earshot answered.
"It's only a model." I muttered with a smirk. There was a slight pause that made me take a glance at Celestia, who was looking a trifle confused. "Cultural joke. Sorry."
"That's okay." She answered. "It's been difficult in the past millennium to find anyone willing to make jokes regarding topics like that." She turned back to Mr Cake.
"Err..." He struggled, "It'll be... three bits, four and six." Immediately three gold coins and one large silver coin floated from Celestia to the square-jawed stallion before he cantered off.
For a while there was silence as we drank, Carrot Cake brought the nibbles and hoofed five small silver coins and a couple of bronze/copper coins over to Celestia. The minute I dunked the first biscuit Twilight bit her lip.
"Is there no etiquette about doing that in your world?!?" She asked. I felt rather embarrassed at this point.
"Probably." I answered. "But I'm one of those who dunks most types of biscuit, alongside the fact that I find social interaction difficult."
"Please," Celestia interrupted, "Let's leave it be. It's unusual but okay; in a way it's rather intriguing." Once again silence fell as we partook of, what I figured was, elevenses. Once I had finished my second cup and all the plates were empty a familiar white mare walked up and bowed to Celestia.
"Princess," She addressed, "Did you wish to learn of our efforts to treat the female human?" This immediately caught both mine and dad's attention.
"Do continue, Miss Redheart." Celestia invited.
"Well," She explained, "It seems that the addiction goes right into the neurological aspect and she's been rather adament that she's got no wish to abstain from this... substance. Right now she's under sedation but Miss Zecora has made a recommendation for a substitute."
"What kind of substitute?" I asked, intrigued that perhaps a compromise could be reached.
"Well, it seems that a mixture of cinnamon, willow bark and poppy seeds will help her get over this disturbing fixation."
"Poppy seeds?!?" I turned to Celestia. "Aren't poppy seeds an opiate?" The Princess gave be a bemused look.
"What's an opiate?" She asked.
"A source of opium." I replied. "A notoriously addictive narcotic."
"Well, in our world poppy seeds do have a calming effect but they are not severely addictive. No more than sesame seeds." She explained.
"From what I can gather," Nurse Redheart continued, "If the mixture is ignited and left to smoulder it should provide a placebo effect for the patient. Miss Zecora says that there's an inhaler she can provide for that purpose."
"Cinnamon should smell better than tobacco, right?" I was directing this question to my dad since nopony knew what tobacco smelled like.
"I'd assume so." He asked, still rather baffled by everything.
"Very good." Celestia beamed. "Carry on, Miss Redheart." The mare bowed and made her exit. Not long afterwards another easily identifiable pony entered and came up to our table.
"Beg pardon, Princess." She stated as she bowed. "But Ah've been asked to deliver ya a message."
"Go ahead, Applejack." She prompted.
"These humans have now got proper plumbin' fer their house." Applejack gestured to my dad and I. "The propane supply should be connected by one thirty."
"You have propane here?" I asked.
"When your grandfather arrived there was some concern that he couldn't do any cooking without a gas supply." Celestia explained. "We solved the issue by using propane, which is one of just two flammable gases available that only produces water vapour and carbon dioxide when it burns."
"Normal gas supplies in the human world use alkanes." I mused out loud. "Methane and propane are particularly common in both cooking and central heating and most alkanes come from the same sources as crude oil."
"Here we get those two gases by dissolving gemstones in hydrochloric acid." Celestia remarked. "This is part of the reason why dragons breathe fire."
"Dragons here too?!?" Dad cried out in shock. There was a pause as we let it sink in.
"Anyway," Celestia continued, "These gases are relatively easy to produce underneath Canterlot, which is why we have so many large rooms because it's easier to heat bigger spaces with gas."
"Well," She added, "In light of the progress with your home and Mrs Slater's rehabilitation I think I can now inform you of what's gonna happen." Three envelopes floated over the table. "Tomorrow the two humans who first arrived in Equestria will be attending their first citizenship meeting in Canterlot; the three of you are requested to attend as well. These are passes allowing you as unfamiliar species to pass through the city and enter the palace for this purpose." Dad took these hesitantly and slowly handed one over to me. "Twilight, in view of the situation I request that you and your friends also attend as they may provide some help in the assimilation of this new sentient species." I held a hand over my mouth to hide the snigger and my mouthing.
You will be assimilated into the herd. Resistance is futile.
After Princess Celestia left Twilight asked to escort us back to our home. She excitedly rambled about learning and teaching but staved off actually asking any more questions. Once we were home there was concern about Sunday dinner because my mum tended to be the most involved and because we had lamb chops.
Once back home I immediately went onto the computer for some sense of normalcy, but I periodically came onto Fimfiction.net to start the story of our new lives in Equestria. It felt so ironic that what I was writing actually happened but no one would believe it, unless they were ardent believers in parallel universes.
Mum did get back in time for us to have a relatively late dinner. Her account talked of lying in a hospital bed, dying for a fag when she suddenly found herself looking into a pair of turquoise eyes that seemed to override her addiction for a while. It was quite apparent that her sedation came from looking into Fluttershy's eyes; for sure it couldn't have been The Stare since the effect was sedatary, more likely she just gave mum a big smile.
The rest of the day went by with some sense of normalcy, though I felt rather uncomfortable eating lamb in Equestria. There were many questions unanswered and mum didn't seem too keen on accepting this more passive society but tomorrow would bring new challenges, and for once I wasn't too bothered.
I flung myself across the room and turned off my alarm. In my groggy state the events of the previous day all seemed to be a dream. I sighed as I lay waiting for the bathroom to become available, thinking how awesome it would be to meet the Princesses of Equestria for real. Before long dad left the bathroom and went to open the computer room blind. He let out a slight gasp of surprise before a slight 'Oh' came from him. As he went downstairs I chanced a peek through the curtains.
The sight of the picturesque view confirmed that we were in Equestria after all. I held my teeth together to stop myself from squealing with delight before going off to attend to my ablutions.
When I went back into my bedroom to change I started to open the curtains before closing them again, knowing that a pegasus might get a good view through the window. Once I was dressed I stripped my bed and checked over the paperwork Celestia had given us. Apparently we were to get the ten past nine train to Canterlot and make our way to the Royal Palace from the capital's station. First thing that came to my mind was that I'd probably have to take a few things to help convey who I was and where we came from; I ended up taking both my wallets, a bank statement, my notepad and a pen.
Once I was downstairs mum got up while I made myself some porridge as dad went to start washing up after his own breakfast. By quarter-past eight both of us had put the dishes away and mum had just come down, only for a couple of ponies to come trotting along the dirt track that had replaced the residential road. Looking through the net curtain I quickly identified one as Twilight Sparkle, the other was definitely an earth pony but until they were right in front of the living room window I wasn't sure who it was. It was Applejack. Before long one of them knocked on the front door, whereupon I dashed out through the back door and up the driveway.
"Hey!" I called out to them from the rusty gate. "Just so ya know, we always use the back door." Applejack gave me an odd look while Twilight grinned sheepishly.
"No need t'get excited." Applejack remarked.
"Sorry." I apologised. "I figured it would be more efficient to explain it now, and whenever someone's knocked on our front door before we needed to be quick or they'd walk off." They came over to my position.
"Are you ready to go?" Twilight asked.
"Almost." I replied. "But mum hasn't had her breakfast yet."
"Well don'chya worry ya pretty little head about it." Applejack remarked. "Ah've go' some apple fritters." I wasn't sure how mum would take that but I said.
"Okay. Mind waiting for a moment while we get our things together? I doubt you'd both fit in this house; everything's rather packed in." I walked back towards the door as they followed.
"Rarity did mention that the design of your home left a lot to be desired." Twilight commented. "I didn't mean any..."
"It's all right." I interrupted. "It's a 70's estate design; one of the worst architectural designs in human history. The stairwell's only about..." I paused to try and work it out, "Two feet wide?" They looked at each other and shrugged their shoulders. I stepped back indoors. "Escort's 'ere." I told my parents, prompting a groan from my mother.
"Can't even get breakfast here." She moaned.
"It's covered; you can have an apple fritter." I told her as I put my coat on and grabbed my shoes. In under five minutes we were out on the patio.
"Didn't we meet yesterday?" Dad asked the two ponies.
"Yeah." Twilight answered. "I'm Twilight Sparkle and this is Applejack."
"Howdy." The farm pony tipped her hat.
"I could do with one." Mum muttered, prompting me to smirk a bit.
"Sorry." I apologised. "It's just that, where we come from, an applejack is an alcoholic cocktail." This got a funny look from the mare in question.
"Perhaps we should get going?" Twilight suggested, prompting my mother to sigh.
"You got yer key?" She asked me, causing me to nod and turn to lock the door.
As we walked off the small track onto a larger dirt road there was an uncomfortable silence. Mum did eat a fritter offered by Applejack but her method suggested distaste with the situation; dad, on the other hand, seemed just plain baffled by everything. It wasn't long before the tension between man and pony was broken by Twilight.
"So, what do you guys do for a living?" She asked.
"I'm a part-time library assistant for a college." I answered, being the one who understood Equestria to some extent.
"Really?!?" She squealed. "Sounds like fun." I shrugged.
"It's an environment I was comfortable with." I replied. "Of course the bookstands were a bit wonky, so shelving was something of a headache, but I do love to read. Albeit I don't always read actual books." Twilight cocked an eyebrow and turned to my parents as we entered Ponyville proper.
"And what about the two of you?" She asked.
"I... worked for Revenue & Customs." Dad answered.
"Oh, what sort of things did you do?" Twilight asked.
"I used to deal with issues regarding the tax threshold." Dad eased now that something normal was coming through. "More recently I was part of the team who checked that companies were paying no less than the national minimum wage." Applejack snorted for a moment.
"And you, Mrs Slater?" Twilight pushed, only getting a 'harrumph' in return. With that I answered for her.
"She used to be a filing clerk for jobcentre plus, that's like an office of unemployment, before the title was changed to administration assistant; she then changed to the pensions centre and was promoted to an administrative officer, even though her role was more like a telephonist, before retiring due to medical issues." Twilight now seemed to hold mum in wonder.
"She worked in telephones?!?" She gasped.
"That's why she retired." I explained. "She hated the methodology of the system they employed."
"Oh." Twilight seemed rather embarrassed. "Telephones aren't as common round here as they appear to be in your world." I was moderately intrigued but held my tongue for the moment. "Couldn't you have refused the promotion?"
"No." She snapped. "If I had I could've been made redundant due to budget cuts. Besides being an AA wasn't much better than being an AO." Looking up from this conversation I saw that we appeared to be in the town square.
"So, which way's the station?" I asked, prompting AJ and Twilight to look round.
"This way." Twilight stated, gesturing with her hoof. Looking up the road in question I could see a cart moving along a human figure riding in it; since the sun was behind us at this time I could easily identify the person in question. We moved forward a bit quicker than before.
"'ello." Dad remarked as we began to draw level.
"Ey up, David." Granddad greeted upon turning to us.
"'ey." I acknowledged.
"Hallo, mah darlin'." He replied. "'s good t'see all of ya again." I smiled at this.
"Yep." I remarked, prompting a rather dubious look back from the pony giving him the lift; it was Big Macintosh.
"Aw right." Applejack responded to this. "Ah don' think he meant anything by it. Right?" Her look told me that if I deliberately made the reference there'd be a chance she'd break my chin for the trouble.
"Right." I answered, prompting an understanding nod from her.
As we approached the station it soon became apparent that catching-up with granddad would have to wait. I could see that Fluttershy and Rarity were already there and before long my auntie Jane came into view.
"See that yellow one?" Mum remarked. "Don't look her in the eye." There was a general sense of surprise from this but I got the gist of it.
"If I did I'd probably break down." I acknowledged.
"Worse than that." She continued. "She smiled at me yesterday and the next thing I knew I was being discharged from the hospital." She snorted indignantly.
"I think that might have been a special case." I commented. "I take it that each of us has been escorted?"
"Well, kinda." Twilight answered. "You see Mr Raymond here has been free to walk round Ponyville since Thursday..."
"Bu' since the train's scheduled fer nine-ten," Applejack continued, "We agreed he should get'a lift."
"A most thoughtful gesture." I acknowledged.
"Think nothin' of it." Applejack replied as we came up to the forecourt of the station.
"Hiya Lindsy." Jane greeted my mum. "How've you been getting on?"
"It's all rediculous, if you must know." She answered, taking out the pipe she was given for her tobacco-substitute. "There are no cigarettes, our car didn't come with us and everything looks like it was painted by a diabetic." This was a slight exaggeration as the colours of this world were much richer and tonal than in the series but still had a slight cartoony element about them.
"Oh, it's not so bad." Jane remarked. "These ponies are such a peaceful race. Fluttershy here was so kind to guide me here this morning, and I had to walk for three miles." I tried to whistle in appreciation but it sounded more like a gas leak.
"Oh, it was nothing." The pony in question stated. The sound of her demure voice felt as though someone had just injected me with morphine.
"Well, you're in your element there." I commented with a slight smirk. "Will Rainbow Dash be joining us?"
"Uh, she decided to fly up there." Twilight answered. "She said the train journey was too dull."
Mum had a smoke just outside the entrance while the rest of us went into the ticket hall. Big Macintosh's body language came across to suggest that his attitude towards the smell of the smouldering combo was the same as my attitude towards the stench of tobacco smoke.
"Summin' wrong, Mac?" I asked him as he walked through the door; whereupon he took another look outside before answering.
"Eeyup. Ah don't hold with burnin' cinnamon."
"Could be worse. Tobacco smoke stinks something chronic, and it's toxic." I glanced at the clock, it read five to nine, leaving us with fifteen minutes. For some reason there was an awkwardness in the air, it made my pants itch. I sidled over to Twilight. "Where's the khazi?" I muttered to her, earning a confused glance.
"The what?" She replied.
"The khazi." I repeated a bit louder. "The bathroom, the john, the lavatory."
"Oh!" She pointed with her hoof. "Males on the left side."
"T'anks." I proceeded into the bog.
The only thing worth noting about the Equestrian gents is that it seemed to be orientated like a squat-toilet, which wasn't too helpful; luckily there was bog paper of a sorts. Once I was done I exited to find that mum had finished her smoke and Jane was talking with Rarity. The clock now read 9 on the dot.
"Okay." I stated nervously once I was within a couple of yards of Twilight. "So when can we expect Candy Mane to join us?" Once again she gave me an odd look.
"I don't know anypony by that name." She answered. I rolled my eyes.
"I meant Rubbber Hooves." I wasn't too sure if I should've mentioned the mare's real name.
"Nope. Still can't place the face."
"Ah think he means Pinkie." Applejack calmly stated, prompting me to look round.
"Well why didn't you say?!?" Twilight responded to me.
"Well, it comes down to two reasons." I answered. "First, I expected mentioning her real name would make her turn up. Second I thought I'd get into the swing of things by giving some of you nicknames."
"Well, Ah'd reckon ya'd get on well with 'er if ya into that sorta thing." Applejack stated. "B'sides y'all never can tell if and when she'll be there."
"I don't know about the first, AJ." I said. "I'm like Fluttershy when it comes to sudden noise but my reaction is closer to Rainbow Dash's response to a sense of danger and I dread to think what'd happen if I lose control." I bit my lip.
"Oh, don't look so down in the mouth." I felt a hoof tap me on the back, prompting me to jump and exclaim mildly.
"Good grief, Candy Mane!" I cried out. "Would it hurt for you to turn up like any other pony once in a while?"
"Oh, don't you like surprises?" Pinkie asked.
"Depends what they are and how they're done." I replied. "Like I said I get startled as easily as Fluttershy but I react to them rather more brashly, sometimes I can't even hold my tongue and barely restrain my limbs, which might be why I've never got involved in kiddy-type things with others since I was six." Pinkie really gasped now.
"You've never had a party since you were six?!?" She cried.
"For myself." I replied. "I'm more into the quiet subdued types of celebrating, mainly because sudden noise makes me so anxious that I enter a state more akin to a primal hunter defending his territory; a human without reason almost. I can't even look at an inflated balloon without feeling anxious." The three mares now looked between one another; Pinkie looking like she just had culture shock, Applejack looking baffled and Twilight appearing rather thoughtful.
"Well, I'm sure we can get this all sorted out once we've seen the Princesses." Twilight stated.
"You're sure it'll be both of them?" I asked.
"Indeed." She answered with a dubious look. "Luna's never seen any of you before as far as I'm aware." Just then a distant whistle was heard. "We'd better get onto the platform."
I was surprised to discover that Ponyville train station had two tracks but one platform, considering the substantial facilities available on the station.
"Just think," Twilight commented as we all stood in a row, "This'll be your first train journey in Equestria."
"But, hopefully, not the last." Pinkie Pie piped up. I couldn't resist making a gag any longer.
"Oh, fab!" I quoted. "We're going to see a puffer-train." I wasn't surprised to hear someone sigh at this but what did surprise me was that it was Twilight who sighed.
"I don't get it." She stated. "You describe yourself as being similar to Rainbow Dash with Fluttershy's sensitivity and the next thing you start acting like Pinkie Pie?"
"I guess you could say I have aspects that are present in each of you." I answered. "Most of them are probably the more negative aspects." The train now came into view round a corner; it was certainly as colourful as the iconic one seen in the series but I wasn't sure if it was the same one.
"You guys had better follow us." Twilight mentioned as the train rolled past her position. "I doubt you'd find the right carriage." We all gave a nod at this. Once the train came to a stop a stallion wearing a blue cap came out and announced.
"Ponyville! Last stop before Canterlot! All aboard!" Twilight now walked forward and along, followed by Applejack, Pinkie Pie, Fluttershy and Rarity who were in turn followed by myself, my dad, my mum, Jane and granddad. One of the doors to the second carriage from the front opened seemingly of its own accord and Twilight stepped on.
The interior of the carriage was open-plan but the arrangement of the chairs and general decor came across as somewhat ostentatious. While the five ponies started to spread out we just stared around the interior.
"This is a train carriage?!?" Mum declared.
"Cor!" I added. "I doubt even airlines have first class like this!" I stepped forward as soon as our escort were all sat down. "Wait a minute." I declared as I looked at the seated ponies. "There's five of us and there's five of you here."
"Oh, yeah." Twilight responded after looking round. "Could be just a coincidence, but some ponies might say there's more to it than that."
"And Ah'm one of'em." Applejack answered, barely glancing away from the window. "Ah reckon each o'us must be assigned to one of yer humans fer the journey."
"Coincidence or no coincidence," Rarity remarked, "I for one consider it a most fitting idea." Though I was the first to step forward I was actually the last to sit down as I observed the other four of my family gravitating towards particular seats. Granddad sat across from Applejack facing the direction of travel, my aunt Jane sat almost right next to Fluttershy and my mum wound up sitting across from Rarity leaving dad as the second to last, which somehow led to him sitting closest to Pinkie Pie. I then sat down across from Twilight. Another curious coincidence was that everypony was facing the rear of the train leaving us with the clear option of facing the front, though Jane and dad did not do so. The whistle was blown and I caught sight of Applejack leaning out of the window waving goodbye to her brother.
"Twilight," I asked, "Isn't that a little dangerous?"
"Only if you have foals with you." She answered. "It can be a welcome relief to let the wind blow through your mane in the hot summer days."
"But what about when the train goes through a tunnel?" I asked in a mildly anxious tone. Twilight made a half laugh before replying.
"The space between the train and the tunnel walls are never less than four inches and they always start off as being at least six." I cocked an eyebrow at this as the train pulled out of Ponyville station.
The train continually accelerated as it snaked its way through Ponyville; I couldn't effectively determine how fast it was going once the rolling fields of the outlying farms came into view but I guessed that it was somewhere between twenty-five and forty miles an hour. Pinkie Pie was already rambling away at my dad, making me feel uneasy as to the impact this would have on him, and Jane was trying to strike up a conversation with Fluttershy but otherwise there was an awkward silence.
"Twilight," I opened, "Mind if I ask you a question about magic?" She looked rather happy that I did.
"No, go right ahead." She replied.
"Can unicorns read the minds of others?" I asked, prompting a bit of a confused look from her.
"Well mind-reading spells aren't unheard of," She answered, "But they're extremely advanced; a sentient being's mind is such a jumble that it can be hard to pinpoint the thoughts that travel through their head. It's easier to project thoughts or to stimulate certain memories but full-on telepathy is one of the hardest forms of magic to learn." I was stumped by this although it was very conceptively put, which lead on to another question.
"So what's the standard spell any adult unicorn can perform?" I asked. "The one you use to typically move a drinking vessel. Is it called levitation or telekinesis?" Twilight did not seem in the least bit fazed, in fact she seemed to be in better spirits than when I asked if such questions were okay.
"Actually you can use both." She replied. "Magic has to be studied in order to understand how a unicorn can expect the flow from the mind to the horn and out into the world, so initially it tends to be thought of as levitation when the amount of concentration required is typically quite high but many ponies like to call it 'telekinesis' when they get older. I think it might be a matter of pride." I was most impressed by this argument.
"Whoa, whoa, slow down." Dad's voice cut through with its sharp tone. A brief period of silence fell on the carriage as everyone looked round. Applejack gave a slight laugh.
"Askin' Pinkie t'slow down's like askin' mah li'l' sister t'stop persuin' her cutie mark like it's the end-all of a pony's life." She said.
"You and me both." I replied and turned back to Twilight. "Err, does Equestria have corridor trains yet?"
"But of course." She answered. "How else will ponies get from one carriage to another?" I sighed.
"No, Twilight, not trains with corridors, corridor trains." She gave me a very confused look. "As in trains with lavatories on board." Now she gaped.
"That's rediculous!" She declared. "Not to mention gross." There was a pause as I figured what she was getting at.
"They don't hav't' flush right onto the rails." I remarked after the fashion of Harry H. Corbett. "They'd flush into a septic tank that gets emptied at selected stations; that's why you don't flush when the train's standing in the station." Twilight seemed to be lost in thought for a moment.
"I think we could have some enlightening dialogue." She commented in a slow almost-philosophical tone.
"At any rate," I continued, "What would this journey cost under normal circumstances?" Twilight paused for a moment.
"Same day return tickets to Canterlot from Ponyville are seven bits when travelling second class," She mused out loud, "So first class would be... eleven bits I suppose." To which I whistled, suspecting that was quite a bit. (No pun intended)
From then on I spent most of the train ride just staring out at the scenery as it rolled by. The rolling fields stretching up the valley, the distant brooding but still rather aesthetic Everfree Forest, the distant mountains of the West and the towering mountains that the train now wound its way through on the way to Canterlot. Always Pinkie Pie rambled on to dad and anyone else who'd listen but, most of the time, it was like she was talking to herself as we all seemed to have switched off from her monologuing. Occassionally Jane would make a statement or a question and Fluttershy would respond, although she'd hardly ever speak loud enough for anyone else to hear. There was an interesting moment when Rarity debated with my mum over whether or not pink would suit her but, all in all, the journey was pleasant but rather uneventful to properly document. Finally the train rolled over a viaduct and under an archway, which gave way to finely trimmed parkland and a curious form of suburbia that was somewhere between mock-Tudor and Beatrix Potter in its architecture. Soon the train began to decelarate and the conductor walked in.
"Canterlot the next stop!" He declared. "End of the line!" I immediately got to my feet and stood waiting for anypony to take the lead. Curiously enough only Pinkie Pie leapt up and then decided to bounce around the carriage before the platform came into view, then the rest of my family rose with Applejack offering her shoulder to help granddad but he declined the offer. Only when the train stopped did everyone stand, Twilight once again taking the lead.
We exited the carriage in single file: Twilight, me, Applejack, Rarity, dad, mum, Pinkie Pie, Jane, granddad and Fluttershy. The platform was unusually wide even by mainline termini standards and the station building itself seemed to be a cross between a castle courtyard, a market and the Brighton Pavillion. Almost immediately four members of the Royal guard stepped forward, their stern glares made me feel a tad uneasy in spite of the fact that I was aware they were trained in the fashion that people often expect the grenadiers to be.
"Miss Sparkle." One of them addressed her. "We've been instructed to escort you and these... beings to the palace upon your arrival." The tone of his voice when he referred to us indicated that there was no sense of animosity or distaste but simply bafflement.
"Of course, sir." Twilight replied. "I understand, but could we just check that none of us requires a lavatory break?" There was a glance between the guards before the apparent senior answered.
"Any of these creatures who requires such must be accompanied by either one of us or one of you young mares." There was a look between us before mum remarked.
"I'd better take one." With a nod Applejack volunteered to be her escort for this purpose.
"While I think about it," I said as those two wandered off, "I probably should take one, just in case." It was curious that they decided to let one of the two unicorn guards escort me there.
"So," I remarked, "Is there a particular reason why you guys were assigned to escort us? I mean surely Twilight and her friends could've made sure we wouldn't go wandering off and make sure we'd be going the right way."
"I'm sorry if our presence feels redundant." He answered in a monotone suggesting that he didn't have any concern either way. "But standard procedure for immediate diplomatic meetings calls for the foreign parties to have an escort with military experience." As we walked into the gents he added. "I shall have to enchant the window, just in case you're of a dubious nature." I looked at him in both a sceptical and hurt manner.
"Then I'll just have to prove your concerns are unfounded. Although, thinking back on human history, that might be a lot harder than first impressions suggest." With that I went about my business.
When we got back to the group mum was still away and before long a blue streak came along.
"Hey there!" Rainbow Dash greeted us. "What's the hold-up?"
"Mum's still attending to her ablutions." I replied, earning a slight laugh from the pegasus.
"Your kind sure have some funny expressions." She commented.
"Honestly, Rainbow." Rarity groaned. "At least he doesn't use the kind of vulgarities you do."
"It's early days, yet." I remarked. Once that little banter wound down mum and Applejack showed up.
"Ordinarily," The apparent-senior guard informed us, "We'd lead you to the palace along the shortest route but, in light of the evidence, we'll have to take the shortest route that doesn't incline so much."
"I take it then," I replied, "That the fastest route is a bit steep." There was a slight non-committal nod from the guard in question.
The streets of Canterlot were not paved with gold nor marble; they were paved with well-chiselled blocks of fairly ordinary stone that looked like a fine limestone but my understanding of the chemistry of such a rock-type led me to the conclusion that it must be another kind of sedimentary rock. As we were guided up to the royal palace many a pony would stop and stare at us, to which I just rolled my eyes and sighed but it didn't seem like any of the others were any more concerned, except that Twilight and Fluttershy seemed a little bothered. However, at one point, mum made a facetious remark.
"You'd find more cheer in a graveyard." She muttered and looked like she might snigger at any moment.
The sight of the palace grounds came upon us quite suddenly. We came round the corner of a rather ostentatious-looking restaurant and there was a wide plaza with a low wall on one side and a set of high railings on the other, separating the palace grounds from the rest of the city. Granddad was bearing up well with the trek but mum was struggling somewhat. At any rate we'd arrived. Once we came upon the gates the guards passed random words before the tall golden gates were opened and we were led inside. The towering spires were truly a sight to behold; it was like a cross between visiting Buckingham Palace, Belton House and New York. What puzzled me at this time was why exactly were we getting this mauve carpet treatment?
The royal guards assigned to escort us continued this role as we were led up the path to the palace. About halfway we crested a rise in the ground and could now see the main entrance, complete with the drawbridge over the moat and the suggestion of a portcullis glinting in the morning sun.
"Wait." Mum remarked. "Is this a palace or a castle?"
"Well, from what I've gathered," Twilight replied, "It's technically both. Although Canterlot itself hasn't really been under any kind of direct threat for at least a thousand years."
The way down to the drawbridge was lined with bushes and a few trees, as opposed to the open lawn that preceeded it. Once we came to the entrance itself the sheer scale of it all was now clear. We had visited a number of stately homes and castles in our time but I couldn't recall ever finding one with a doorway this big; it must've been over ten feet wide and nearly thirty feet high. Compared to the rest of the palace complex it really gave the impression that this was a separate town from Canterlot in its own right, akin to the campus of Loughborough University in a way.
We were led into a foyer that, after a minute or so, I recognised from The Best Night Ever as the place where Celestia greeted her guests. The guards guided us to the corridor on the left and continued to escort us along a stone passageway with stained-glass windows along the outer wall; these windows had no distinct design but instead had a random pattern of colours. After a few minutes the guards stopped and gestured to a rather non-descript looking door.
"Please wait in here. Their royal majesties will deal with you in due course." With that the pegasus guards positioned themselves on either side of the doorway and the unicorn guards departed. I was glad we'd finally arrived as all the walking was beginning to make me a bit footsore; I dreaded to think how all this would affect mum's tendons and granddad's arthritis. Applejack took the liberty to open the door.
"Huh. Seems rather homely fer the royal palace." She remarked before entering, followed by the rest of us. It was certainly quaint when compared to the entrance hall. Baroque furniture was scattered around the edifice, coffee tables stood to the side of each, Persian-style rugs decorated the floor and all was lit by a medium-sized fireplace and six freestanding candelabras.
"What did they mean by 'royal majesties'?" Mum asked. "I know the princess we met yesterday's likely to be one of 'em, but who's the other one? Her husband?" I strained to prevent myself from guffawing.
"Princess Celestia doesn't have any spouses." Twilight answered. "It's bound to be Princess Luna."
"So, which of 'em's senior?" Mum checked.
"Well, technically Princess Celestia as she's been reigning for longer but their authority's about equal." Twilight replied.
"But I thought this was a monarchy." Mum remarked as she sat down in an armchair.
"Actually I think the proper terminology would be a theocratic diarchy with regionalised democratic processes." I offered.
"Not a bad guess." Twilight confirmed with a somewhat nervous smile.
I'm not sure how long we waited in that room. My gaze was drawn to the open fire and the dance of the flames, transfixed even. However long it was there were a couple of gasps at one point and a clatter of hooves, when some more shuffling sounds became evident I looked over my shoulder and beheld them. The supreme sovereigns of Equestria! Immediately I leapt to my feet, thumped my chest with my right fist before drawing it up into a salute. Celestia gave me an amused smile and gestured with her hoof, whereupon I rotated my wrist to make a naval salute before bringing my arm down. The rest of my family were more conservative in their displays of respect.
"Do you ever use the same gesture twice?" Celestia asked.
"If your majesty means when acknowledging your presence," I replied, "Then yes. I was merely downgrading from my original method in light of your apparent discomfort with total formality." Almost everyone gave me a funny look.
"I suggest more of you take heed of this observation." Celestia announced.
"Nevertheless we hast no qualms over the way in which we're greeted." Luna pointed out. I smiled slightly in anticipation of an iconic line.
"Please excuse my son." Mum added with a look of trepidation. "He's got Asperger's."
"Asparagus?" Pinkie Pie attempted to repeat. "Think we could have some?"
"Asperger's." I answered. "As in 'Asperger's Syndrome'." I could've sworn every pony raised an eyebrow. "It's an Autistic Spectrum Disorder."
"Oh. Autism." Twilight started to wrap her head round it.
"Well," I considered, "It's like autism only it doesn't make me reluctant to socialise; it just affects my ability to do so."
"I can see there's gonna be a lot of questions to be answered between us." Celestia interjected. "Anyway, now that you're all here, let me explain what's gonna happen. First off every human shall join my sister and I in the next room one by one where you'll be analysed both physically and psychologically; no doubt, Twilight, you'll want to sit in on this but if the human in question feels uncomfortable about something then you'll be required to leave for the session." The unicorn in question certainly seemed disappointed but simply said.
"Very well, Princess. Who will be accompanying you in the assessments, then?"
"Nopony." Celestia answered in a tone that suggested a sense of amusement. "My sister and I will make the analysis ourselves."
"Excuse me, Princess." Fluttershy ventured. "But we've never encountered humans before, so how can we be sure we don't cause any offense?" Celestia walked over to her and rested a reassuring hoof on her shoulder.
"There's no way I can truly explain our methods to you, my little ponies." She answered. "Observational evidence may help but, like I said, it may be rather delicate."
"Erm, if I can speak, your majesty?" Dad now asked.
"Oh please, feel free." Celestia replied.
"If you two are doing this, then who's running the government?" He asked.
"We are." Luna declared. "Don't try to understand it. Either thy shalt be unable to truly comprehend or there'll be a major risk of socio-political imbalance." This didn't sound too reassuring so I now put something forward.
"I fear the socio-political thing's gonna be revisited." I warned. "Past conversations have led to the occassional self-admittance that the Slater family's naturally cynical."
"Fear not." Celestia responded. "I've had many dealings with cynical personalities and I find it best to tackle the underlying causes in the first instance. In the earlier years of Equestria such individuals were either pressured into silence or simply ignored and that nearly always led to civil uprising." There was a suggestion of tears in her eyes, even though they were closed. "Shall we begin?" There was a general all-round nod at this. "We'll tackle this from oldest to youngest, so Mr Raymond Slater would you be willing to have Twilight sit in on the examination?"
"Well," He answered, "Prob'ly not. I've 'ad t'strip off when I was in the army, of course, but we didn't have civilian observers during the medical exams." Celestia gave a nod in response.
"Applejack," She addressed, "If you would please go through to the room after next. We'll explain the next stage when everyone's there." Giving a nod but with a look of confusion Applejack went through the door, which was left open as she trotted off into what sounded like a fairly large, empty room. "Feel free to make your own entertainment while you wait." With that Celestia and Luna stood to either side of granddad and, interestingly enough, seemed to offer themselves as physical support for the 78-year old. Once they'd gone through, the door closed behind them in a formal manner, which indicated to me that one of the supreme sovereigns of Equestria took it upon themselves to close it by way of 'magic'.
"So, who wants to see me do a few tricks?" Rainbow Dash asked now that the awe-inspiring presence of royalty had passed.
"Uh, I'm not sure there's enough room in here." Twilight pointed out. "It's basically just a reception room, not a gymnasium."
"Hey!" The pegasus retorted. "Not all my moves need loadsa space."
"And which of those would be suited to the indoors?" Rarity asked. Rainbow Dash really looked hesitant now.
"Let's face it," I put in, "This is no aerodrome." Mum actually laughed out loud at this.
"Oh, dear!" She groaned as her laughter subsided, earning quite a few funny looks. "You're making 'er sound like a red arrow."
"What's that when it's at 'ome?!?" Rainbow asked.
"The red arrows are a team of professional aviators who primarily perform at airshows with coordinated flybys." I answered. "They fly their own jet-planes with characteristic red bodypaint; hence the name Red Arrows."
"Are they anything like the Wonderbolts?" She double-checked.
"I supppose so." I replied hesitantly. "Essentially."
"Well then," Rainbow declared while doing a back-flip, "I'm most certainly 'red arrow' material." She kept my attention in particular for a while as she made a few moves but then I got fed up of watching her do those kinds of tricks, particularly since they resembled the ones she did in the pilot while clearing out cloudtops. At this point I went back to watching the fire. There I sat, riveted by the dance of the flames, until Twilight floated a log into the hearth, which certainly caught my attention.
"You've spent about as much time staring at the fire as you did watching the Princesses." She remarked. "Is that normal for humans to be so fascinated by burning?" I moved my gaze over to her, though I couldn't maintain eye contact, and replied.
"In a way, yes. Even in times of yore, when open fires were commonplace, we'd be typically inclined to watch the flames dance about, finding patterns and images, inspiration for many things. I think it might be something that was ingrained long before humans as we are came into being."
"So, you think you were meant to stare at fire?" She checked.
"Not really. Basically the concept of making and controlling fire was first discovered by, what might be described as, proto-humans." She seemed a bit shocked by this.
"You're not suggesting that evolution's real?!?" She gasped.
"I don't know about here," I answered, "But in the world we've known it's become common knowledge that only those species that are suited to their environments survive and prosper. Perhaps we could explore more of this later?" She gave a nervous nod.
"I'd appreciate it if you didn't shout it about so much." She advised. "Some ponies don't take too kindly to the philosophy of survival based on fighting." I cocked an eyebrow.
"It's not about fighting. It's a common misapprehension that it means 'survival of the fittest' but the strongest can be overwhelmed by environmental conditions. In a nutshell, it is adaptability that evolution focuses on." Just then the sidedoor re-opened and Celestia stepped through.
"Okay, Fluttershy." She addressed. "If you could please come through and on into the next room? Who's the next-oldest human?" Fluttershy nodded and slowly went past the majestic being.
"It'll be Jane." Mum answered. With that Jane gave Celestia a curtsey and went into the other room.
"Would you be offended if Twilight observed?" Celestia asked her, to which she shook her head and meekly accepted Twilight's wish. Once Twilight went in the door closed. As we waited a while longer Pinkie moaned.
"I'm borrrred." She rested her chin on a coffee table. "Can't we play any games or sing some songs?"
"What games can we play?" I pointed out. "I wouldn't mind a bit of a sing-song but, something tells me that singing songs written by humans would spoil it at a later date."
"Oh." Pinkie Pie certainly seemed disappointed.
"Of course some traditional songs shouldn't spoil so much." I reasoned in an attempt to perk things up; at any rate it made Pinkie seem to feel better.
"And what should we sing?" Mum asked cynically. I paused for a moment to consider this.
"Can you remember the Tipperary song?" I checked, being aware of the chorus but none-the-wiser about the verses.
"Just the obvious." She replied with a shrug.
"What's that about a tip o'Rari?" Pinkie asked.
"Tipperary." I replied. "It's the name of a town."
"You mean like Tippomarey?" Rarity checked.
"Wow." Rainbow Dash remarked. "That's a long way away." I smirked at this.
"It sure is a long way to Tippomarey." I chuckled with great difficulty restraining myself.
"Seriously?" I stated. "How many more place names are there that are built on puns?"
"I don't see what's so funny about what a place is called?" Rarity remarked.
"No? We've got some funny place names that aren't puns at all, but round here you've got Canterlot, Fillydelphia, and now Tippomarey." I really struggled to restrain my humour. "And it's a long way to Tippomarey."
"Care to explain?" Rainbow Dash asked with a frown.
"It's a long way to Tipperary, it's a long way to go. It's a long way to Tipperary, to the sweetest girl I know." Mum and I sang while dad rolled his eyes. "Farewell Piccadilly, so long Leicester Square! It's a long, long way to Tipperary for my heart lies there!"
"Oh." Rarity piped once we settled down. "Well, Tippomarey's only about as far as Appleloosa, it just takes longer to get there. It's rather an obscure backwater with three neighbouring villages; Coltkenny, Conimarera and Le Marewick."
"Where the cats come from, where the have all the bombs and the home of poetry." I recited, earning looks of bewilderment.
"Bogs!" Mum corrected. "Bogs! Not bombs."
"Are you telling us that our place names resemble places you know?" Rainbow Dash asked.
"Not personally." I replied. "We've got places like the legendary, and yet to be confirmed locations of, Camelot, the city of Philadelphia, Tipperary, Kilkenny, Conimara, Limerick."
"Why's there a place in your world called Kill-Kenny?" Pinkie asked. "Why did they kill him? Doesn't sound very nice."
"K-I-L-K-E-N-N-Y." I spelled out. "I don't know the meaning of the name but it's Irish."
"And how many nationalities have you got?" Rarity asked.
"Nigh on two hundred, if I recall." Celestia informed us, prompting me to thump my chest again in acknowledgement of her presence. "But I'm sure we'll learn more about humans as time passes. Now, Pinkie Pie, I know sitting around's not really your thing but this is a rather serious business, so if you could go on ahead." The pink pony popped off as instructed.
"See ya later, alligator!" She cried as she exited the waiting room.
"In a while, crocodile." Mum remarked. "Ma'm, if I may venture?"
"Please do." Celestia acknowledged. "And I'd rather you didn't call me 'mum'. The idea that you're my offspring can lead to unfortunate repurcussions."
"Beggin' your pardon, Princess." I responded in the tone I used for my Windsor Davies impressions. "But she meant ma'am, short for madam, it's just normal for the British to pronounce it 'mum'." And she smiled and gestured acceptance of this.
"I was just wondering if I could have a smoke?" Mum continued. "Only I guess we're not allowed out of here just yet and it's become a habit of mine to only have fags outside."
"Not to worry." Celestia answered. "The concoction prescribed is generally harmless after all; if you could just throw any waste onto the fire, only the cleaners don't take too kindly to having ashes scattered all over." Mum nodded in response and got her pipe out. "Would the next eldest please come through?" Dad stepped forward and she led him through. There was the suggestion of conversation this time where before we could hear nothing of what was going on, but it seemed that they forgot to close the door behind them this time.
"So," Rainbow Dash spoke up with a tone of boredom as though to break the ice, "Any more simple songs you'd care to share?"
"I must say," Rarity added, "Your style is very passionate without being uncouth like most of this rock music."
"That might be because the Tipperary song isn't rock." I pointed out. "It's a sort-of folk song. Anyway there might be a couple we could try." There was a pause before mum suggested.
"What about Mike Oldfield?"
"Don't think so." I answered nervously. "It might be a spoiler for us to sing one of his." I thought for a while before, suddenly. "Aha! There's a few we used to sing at primary school, so it's perfectly suitable for foals."
"Well, that certainly sounds reasonable." Rarity consented. After a pause I started, although I tripped a few times when I wanted to pluralise where it shouldn't have been.
"Johnny's lost his marble, Johnny's lost his marble, Johnny's lost his marble down in granny's yard. He lost it up the drainpipe, he lost it up the drainpipe, he lost it up the drainpipe, down in granny's yard. So he went and he got the clothes-prop, so he went and he got the clothes-prop, so he went and he got the clothes-prop down in granny's yard. And he rammed it UP the drainpipe, and he rammed it UP the drainpipe, and he rammed it UP the drainpipe down in granny's yard. But still he couldn't find it, but still he couldn't find it, but still he couldn't find it, down in granny's yard. So he went and he got the terrier, so he went and he got the terrier, so he went and he got the terrier down in granny's yard. And he tied it to the clothes-prop, and he tied it to the clothes-prop, and he tied it to the clothes-prop down in granny's yard. And he rammed it UP the drainpipe, and he rammed it UP the drainpipe, and he rammed it UP the drainpipe down in granny's yard. But still he couldn't find it, but still he couldn't find it, but still he couldn't find it, down in granny's yard. So he went and he got the policeman," By this time Rainbow Dash joined in, "So he went and he got the policeman, so he went and he got the policeman, down in granny's yard. And he tied 'im to the clothes-prop, and he tied 'im to the cltohes-prop, and he tied 'im to the clothes-prop down in granny's yard. And he rammed 'im UP the drainpipe, and he rammed 'im UP the drainpipe, and he rammed 'im UP the drainpipe down in granny's yard. But still he couldn't find it, but still he couldn't find it, but still he couldn't find it, down in granny's yard. So he went and he got some dynamite," Mum sniggered now in spite of her apparent inability to remember this tune, "So he went and he got some dynamite, so he went and he got some dynamite, down in granny's yard. And he tied it to the clothes-prop, and he tied it to the clothes-prop, and he tied it to the clothes-prop down in granny's yard. And he rammed it UP the drainpipe, and he rammed it UP the drainpipe, and he rammed it UP the drainpipe... and he blew up granny's yard." Both my mum and Rainbow Dash laughed out loud at this, Rarity giggled a bit but seemed apprehensive of this. "Johnny's found his marble, Johnny's found his marble, Johnny's found his marble down in granny's yard. It was in his bloomin' pocket, it was in his bloomin' pocket, it was in his bloomin' pocket down in granny's yard!" I almost corpsed myself at the last line.
"That was Brilliant!" Rainbow Dash declared. "That Johnny fella sounds like a right fruitcake"
"I'm not so sure about letting foals hear it." Rarity pointed out. "What's dynamite anyway?"
"It's an explosive invented by Alfred Nobel to make mining more efficient." I answered. "Unfortunately it's also been used in warfare as a key explosive component in artillery. At this time I feel unable to divulge the active ingredient but it's typically shown as bright red sticks."
"And you used to sing about someone using it irresponsibly when you were just a child?" Rarity checked with a tone of indignance.
"Yes, we did." I answered. "I suppose it was due to the fact that two particularly horrific wars had occurred within living memory at that time; less than a hundred years before my primary school years."
"I'm surprised you can remember songs you sang in assembly." Mum added once the inconsistencies were cleared up, or so I thought at first.
"Hang on." Rainbow Dash stated. "What's a policeman?"
"A male police officer, usually a constable." I answered, earning another confused look. "The police is a non-military force tasked with maintaining law and order without resorting to violence or breaking the law themselves; hence a few commissions have been set up for people to complain to if they feel the police force has failed in some way, as an attempt to solve the paradox highlighted by the old adage 'Who watches the watchers?'." Rarity was definitely gobsmacked by this news, Rainbow Dash seemed to be but was actually trying to hide it and, in light of my condition, I couldn't be too sure with her.
"Did I miss anything?" We turned to see Twilight standing there as the door closed behind her.
"Just a kiddy song I learned from primary school." I answered.
"Well," She sat upon a rug, "Your dad's undergoing the psychological profiling right now so we should have time for another."
"Okay." I paused as I tried to recall one I knew completely. "This is a counting song, but some of the rhymes'll probably be different to the original." I bobbed my head as I recalled the headteacher's guitar strumming. "The ants are marching one-by-one, hurrah, hurrah. The ants are marching one-by-one, hurrah, hurrah. The ants are marching one-by-one, the little one stopped to suck his thumb. They all went... marching... across the floor, under the door, down the drain, in from the rain." I couldn't stop myself from moving my arms and body like I was practicing skiing for the next bit. "Zoom! Zoom! Zoom!" Twilight looked rather confused but Rainbow Dash was chuckling over my head. "The ants are marching two-by-two, hurrah, hurrah. The ants are marching two-by-two, hurrah, hurrah. The ants are marching two-by-two, the little one stopped to tie his shoe." Rainbow Dash joined in at this point already. "They all went... marching... across the floor, under the door, down the drain, in from the rain. Zoom! Zoom! Zoom!" With the next verse, Rainbow Dash joined in upon the second line but had to pause at the bit about the little one. "The ants are marching three-by-three, hurrah, hurrah. The ants are marching three-by-three, hurrah, hurrah. The ants are marching three-by-three, the little one stopped to climb a tree. They all went... marching... across the floor, under the door, down the drain, in from the rain. Zoom! Zoom! Zoom! The ants are marching four-by-four, hurrah, hurrah. The ant are marching four-by-four, hurrah, hurrah. The ants are marching four-by-four, the little one stopped to... shut the door? They all went... marching... across the floor, under the door, down the drain, in from the rain. Zoom! Zoom! Zoom!" With the next one Rarity actually joined in but stopped on the last bit where Twilight recited in a rather unimpressed monotone, but I started so I decided to finish. "The ants are marching five-by-five, hurrah, hurrah. The ants are marching five-by-five, hurrah, hurrah. The ants are marching five-by-five, the little stopped to enter the hive. They all went... marching... across the floor, under the door, down the drain, in from the rain. Zoom! Zoom! Zoom! The ants are marching six-by-six, hurrah, hurrah. The ants are marching six-by-six, hurrah, hurrah. The ants are marching six-by-six, the little one stopped to pick up sticks. They all went... marching... across the floor, under the door, down the drain, in from the rain. Zoom! Zoom! Zoom!" By now only mum wasn't singing along; she just watched indignantly. "The ants are marching seven-by-seven, hurrah, hurrah. The ants are marching seven-by-seven, hurrah, hurrah. The ants are marching seven-by-seven, the little one stopped to go to heaven. They all went... marching... across the floor, under the door, down the drain, in from the rain. Zoom! Zoom! Zoom!" Rainbow Dash even mimicked my ejaculations at the end of the verse this time. I didn't realise it at the time but another voice now entered the choir. "The ants are marching eight-by-eight, hurrah, hurrah. The ants are marching eight-by-eight, hurrah, hurrah. The ants are marching eight-by-eight, the little one stopped to shut the gate. They all went... marching... across the floor, under the door, down the drain, in from the rain. Zoom! Zoom! Zoom! The ants are marching nine-by-nine, hurrah, hurrah. The ants are marching nine-by-nine, hurrah, hurrah. The ants are marching nine-by-nine, the little one stopped to..."
"Smell the pine." A certain maternal voice provided.
"They all went... marching... across the floor, under the door, down the drain, in from the rain. Zoom! Zoom! Zoom!" I smiled in a way that they could've taken to mean I was enjoying the crooning but I was actually thinking about the next verse. "The ants are marching ten-by-ten, hurrah, hurrah. The ants are marching ten-by-ten, hurrah, hurrah. The ants are marching ten-by-ten, the little one stopped to say 'THE END'!"
"They all went marching across..." I smirked at this. It never failed before and it didn't fail here. However my smile faded when I saw somepony standing in the doorway. Nervously I thumped my chest with my right hand and held it up like you'd see in a production based on Ancient Rome.
"I haven't heard that song in centuries." Celestia remarked. "It's such a refreshing break to hear the old ditty."
"Princess!" Twilight cried out. "We haven't kept you waiting have we?"
"I do apologise." I added. "Thing is, when I actually start on a song I tend to get carried away."
"Someone oughta carry you away." Mum quoted with a snigger, which I reciprocated.
"It's all right." Celestia answered. "Anyway we're now ready for you, Mrs." Mum emptied her pipe and put it away before walking up to the Princess.
"Just for the record, ma'm," Mum told her, "I'll do this with those who need it done but anyone who's just curious I'd rather didn't attend."
"Very well." Celestia conceded and gently rested a hoof on Twilight's shoulder. "Rainbow Dash, if you could go on through to where the others are waiting." In a flash the pegasus was through the door.
Now that it was just me with Rarity and Twilight the room fell quiet again, my eye fixed upon the crackling fire while Rarity talked about some of the shops to be found in Canterlot. I tried to listen now and then but, even in Equestria, the appeal of fashion to me was not much more than the appeal of watching sports. As my mind thought ahead to what I'd have to talk about and what I expected to be required to be quiet about the time rolled by a bit more swiftly before Celestia came in again.
"Rarity," She said, "If you could go through to the room where the others are waiting. Twilight, in light of what I expect to find in this next session you'd best go on ahead as well. Colin, please come through." I stood up and almost marched forward, tagging behind the majestic being as she led me into the next room.
This room was rather different from the 'waiting room'. It was softly illuminated in blue light, though I could not determine the source of the light, which here could mean anything from the will of the Princesses to hidden hurricane lamps made with blue glass. Princess Luna was sat on a cushion in one of the corners browsing over some papers, to whom I performed the type of salute you see in adaptations of works set in Ancient Rome. A dais was off to one side and was the part most predominantly illuminated. In the gloom on the opposite side from where I entered there was the suggestion of another door.
"Please step up onto the dais." Celestia advised. I did so with a sense of reverence. Once I was on top the view around the room made me think that it was akin to a stage, hence I blushed with embarrassment and so thumped my chest and saluted both the Princesses. "And please don't prolong those things." I twisted my hand round to a naval salute and returned it to my side. "Now, if you would just remove your clothes." I was paralyzed by this. On the one hand Princess Celestia had given me a clear instruction that I was reluctant to disobey but, on the other hand, I'd be performing indecent exposure to the divine sovereigns of Equestria!
"Incompatible Instruction." I said robotically. Celestia giggled a bit.
"I know humans are concerned about showing their body parts," She told me, "But we must have a full medical exam, and we did see your father and grandfather."
"Beg pardon, Princess." I answered. "But wouldn't that violate one of the laws of Equestria?"
"The only standing law on that front," Princess Luna explained, "Is statuary law 43: No Equestrian citizen shall display their genitalia in a public space. Since you're not actually a citizen of Equestria as of yet and are actually in one of our medical exam halls, this law does not apply." I took a deep breath and replied.
"Very well." I began to hum the tune of The Stripper and slowly took my coat off, followed by my shoes, my trousers, my socks, my shirt and finally my undies. "You asked for it and you got it."
"And a double-helping by the looks of it." Celestia teased. "That's what I call uninhibited." I did wonder how they'd react to seeing the amount of flab on me. "Okay, try and keep still while I perform a scan." I stood to attention and felt a strange tingling float all over me; as this continued and varied in intensity I started to contemplate the full power of the Princesses, which led to a most embarrassing situation. "Hmm, well at least we won't have to worry too much about that." Celestia chuckled once she was done. "Neither your father or your grandfather could get it up in spite of our coaxing." My eyebrows shot up as horrifying implications flooded through my mind. "We tried so many words to activate their pituitary glands but nothing came through." This provided some reassurance although there was still a suggestion of how much they wanted to gather. "Now, if we could see it fully erect."
"Princess, my sense of social inhibitions strain against the ease with which I develop arousal." I pointed out, feeling most embarrassed by the whole affair.
"Well, I'm sure we can work something out." She answered.
"I shall just perform the psychoanalysis." Said Luna. Now I felt a strange buzzing round my head, it was curious that I couldn't perceive any kind of magical glow around the horn of anypony performing magic when they were clearly doing so. "Okay, your superego holds a strong feeling of justice and holds to the concepts of honour and tradition but, from what I can perceive, can only hold out when supported by external stimulation." The buzzing continued after this for a while. "Your ego is bubbling over with mixed feelings of guilt, annoyance, sorrow and passion; I can determine your greatest drives from this. You're imperialist, hierarchal, but also liberal, socialist, conservative... feminist?!? These contradictions require me to delve deeper." Now I felt giddy and Luna looked like she'd gone into a coma; concerned I looked at Celestia who just smiled reassuringly. After a couple of minutes Luna seemed to recover. "Your subego seems to be dominated by a sexual attraction to that which is powerful, in particular you're aroused most of all by anything you consider charismatic on a scale that would make you seem like a mere bug."
"Whoo, you're right there ma'am." I replied. "Sometimes it goes overboard and the narrative aspects take a backseat."
"What I find most curious is that it can develop into a potent stimulation stemming from the concept of being swallowed whole." Luna continued. "Your id, however, is heavy with frustration and straining against a multitude of higher mind-sets, especially regarding your rationalisations. Fortunately I can now determine why you've got such a passion for anything powerful."
"If I might make a guess?" I requested, prompting the two of them to nod. "Is it due to a subconscious craving for such power?"
"Not quite." Luna told me. "The truth is you're frightened of responsibility, commitment and risk. You wish for a figure in your life who's so powerful that nothing but they can pose a real threat. In my studies it's become known as the 'Kaijuu complex'."
"'Kaijuu'," I identified, "The Japanese for 'monster'."
"In this case it's Zebrican for 'giant'." Luna informed me. "It's so-called because the one who has it wishes to be, for want of a better word, a pet. However you also have a multitude of interests that both support and mitigate this sensation."
"In that case it can't be too hard to maximise your arousal." Celestia remarked.
"Though it'll leave me with difficulty to focus on anything until it peaks, and it doesn't usually peak unless I'm lying on a bed."
"Well, let's get started. I'm sure we can sort this out." She cleared her throat, I felt my self-control slip a little. "Picture anyone you want." I closed my eyes and imagined the both of them. "Now, see them as though you were no bigger than an ant." That was easy, I pictured myself cornered between their building-sized hoofs. Without prompting I started imagining them teasing me with their hooves and their muzzles coming so close as to effortlessly lick me off the ground. However Celestia managed to mobilise the whole system so I was now in the middle of Ponyville with the two of them large enough to take the whole town in one bite. I saw Luna scoop the library up in one lick and Celestia snatch both Carousel Boutique and Sugarcube Corner up with her teeth. Slowly they licked and nibbled their way towards me, now and again one of their mighty hooves came crashing down with the force of a Richter 6 earthquake. Never before could I perceive such a fantasy so clearly. Just as the two of them raced their tongues towards me... it happened.
My eyes flickered open and I gasped. A test tube floated by with some white liquid inside it. I realised with horror that I really orgasmed in front of the Princesses of Equestria and past experience told me something else.
"Is there anywhere I could dry myself?" I asked meekly. A box of tissues and a bin floated over to me. While I was dealing with that little mishap I noticed something that had happened before. "Um, is there anywhere I can be relieved?" The Princesses gave me a confused look.
"Are you not relieved from your fantasy trip?" Luna asked.
"Uh, not that sort of relieve, Princess." I pointed out. "I've got a need to use the ablutions."
"Oh, that's all right then!" Celestia declared as she floated another test tube over. It was difficult as there was no screen to go behind so I had to turn round and it still required a fair bit of coaxing to fill it up. After that Princess Celestia promptly scrutinised the test tubes, including taking a whiff from each. "Not perfect," She observed after sniffing the urine sample, "But still within healthy parameters." As she checked over the other sample she took a sip, prompting me to gag at the sight. Quickly a bag floated over to me. After a couple of minutes the feeling of queasiness eased and I put the bag down.
"You may reclothe yourself now, if you wish." Luna announced, prompting me to turn round and do so in a more methodical manner compared to how I disrobed. Once my pants and socks were on I just started slipping my shirt on when I noticed that Luna was checking over what I had in my pockets. "Is this a 'mobile phone'?" She asked.
"Yes, ma'am." I answered. To which Luna sighed.
"Less of the 'ma'm', you can just call us 'Celestia' and 'Luna' when there's no-one else around. It's just curious how this differs from the one your mother showed us."
"Hers is a flip-phone," I replied, "This one's a slide-phone." To which Luna now opened it.
"I still fail to see much use in these things." She said. "Bearing in mind that you need a wireless signal."
"My dear Luna," I answered, "They're more than phones; though we can neither make or receive calls or text messages. They can be used as alarm clocks, organisers or file-o-faxes, calendars and even calculators." There was a pause.
"So they're also diaries and abacuses?" Luna checked, to which I nodded as I buttoned up my shirt. "And what of these keys?"
"One's to the back door of my home, the other's to the front door." I informed her.
"And these other things?" She asked.
"One's a torch but it doesn't work, the other's just a decorative item that also provides the role of a counterweight so they're less likely to be lost." I now put my trousers on as Luna perused my pen.
"Hmm, a cartridge-fuelled ball-bearing-tipped pen." She identified. "Rather unusual."
"Actually you'd find that they go like hotcakes." Celestia remarked. "At this rate they'll be going for four bits apiece next year rather than the current rate."
"So they're just taking off round here, then." I gathered. "They're the most common option where I come from. By-the-by, how much are they currently going for?"
"Ten bits each." Celestia answered. "Of course, Twilight's always gone for pencils and quills; rather ironic if you ask me, considering how much writing she does."
"And fountain pens?" I chanced.
"Standard equipment in offices around Equestria." She replied. "Nevertheless a number of officials tend to opt for quills instead." By now I was sitting upon the steps of the dais to put my shoes on as Luna set my hankie, keys, mobile, notepad and pen down by my side. Once I had pocketed my keys, hankie and mobile Luna continued with her enquiries.
"What are these cards?" She asked as she levitated them out of their holdings.
"Two are bank cards, which are used to withdraw money from my accounts and also pay for things when I have no money on me as long as the right kind of electronic reader's available." I recited. "There's my library card, which also entitles me to use a computer in a public library for up to two hours without charge. Then there's my bus ticket, which uses a pay-as-you-go system that allows me to pay for up to ten single trips in one lump sum at a discount. And there's my National Trust membership card, which grants me free entry to any National Trust property for a reasonable annual fee. Also there's the card that has my National Insurance number on it, which ensures I can gain employment within my home country and claim the state pension upon reaching retirement age, my Asperger's Syndrome information card. My loyalty cards, which means that after I've made so many purchases at a particular chain of shops I can get a discount depending on how much I've spent before, and the card I use for topping up the credits on my mobile phone as a pay-as-you-go system."
"What's this one for?" Luna presented a slightly pinkish card.
"That's another kind of loyalty card." I told her. "Once I've acquired enough stamps I'd get a free drink."
"I do believe that a number of these are now surplus to requirements." Celestia pointed out. "For the time being we shall retain these except for the card outlining the basics of your condition and the one with the 'National Insurance code' on it." Luna returned the two mentioned to my main wallet.
"In that case you are at liberty to retain my secondary wallet," I informed them, "Since I only got it to carry the extra cards." They nodded and Luna now checked over the coins in my wallet.
"We've decided to keep human currency for the current time." She remarked. "However we're keeping a record of all that every one of you has for future reference." With that my primary wallet was returned in a state that was equivalent to broke. Once I had put my coat on my bank statement was returned.
"We'll tackle your financial situation further later on." Celestia informed me. "Now we come to the critical phase. How did you come by information about Equestria?" The time was now. I took a deep breath and, once again, sat upon the steps of the dais.
"The fact that we're here in your realm strongly indicates that parallel universes really do exist." I pointed out. "This means that there's a universe where fact is what is pure speculation in another. Now, this would suggest that somewhere the stories of Daring Do are historical fact. Correct?" It was quite a sight to see Celestia looking gobsmacked.
"Are you saying..." She checked, "That where you come from Equestria is fiction?!?"
"In a word." I acknowledged. "However the way I see it is that the inspiration for a work of fiction could stem from a quantum connection with a universe where it's real, but then the inspiration for a work of fiction could also spark a new universe into existence as well." Celestia's look of shock now seemed to soften into a rather wily look.
"So everything that's thought," She said, "No matter how far-fetched, is bound to exist somewhere." I gave a nod that wasn't full-on agreement but accepted the theory.
"I'm concerned as to what could lead to things passing between realities." Luna pointed out. "It could be that a sapient creature could suddenly wake up one day in a world that's much more hostile that its homeland."
"So we must make thorough investigations into how and why humanity's entering our world when neither party appears to be aware of what's going on." Celestia replied. "Thank you, Mr Slater. We'll speak further on this matter to see what information managed to get through. You've been most cooperative."
"The honour is all mine." I returned with a slight bow.
"Please move on to the next room," She continued, "We'll catch up in a few." I immediately turned with a quick thump of my chest and walked up to the other door.
The moment I opened the door I was startled by Pinkie Pie suddenly popping up in front of me.
"Hey! It's about time you were done." She said. I held on to the doorframe and took a few deep breaths as my heart pounded in my chest.
"Gordon Bennett, Pinkie." I groaned. "Don't ya know how startling tha'tis?" She stepped back as I recovered and put a hoof to her chin as though she was in thought.
"About 62 percent?" She guessed. "68 percent? 72 percent?" I rolled my eyes and stepped down into the new room, which looked as though someone had taken a pergola and moved it indoors.
"Rather startling." I answered. "I doubt anyone could provide an exact percentage." Now I felt as though a boxer had grabbed my shoulders while wearing his gloves as Pinkie Pie guided me into the circle of ponies and humans who were sat, although some were not, around the room.
"Well turn that frown upside down, cause I've been wondering just what kinda games we could play now all you human bipeds have had your medical exams, even though it seems none of you had a written." She slackened the grip of her fetlocks, allowing me to get into a seat with a sigh of relief. "Since we can't be sure how long the Princesses're gonna be I figured we could have a game of riddles." I paused for a moment and thought this over. Knowing Pinkie Pie it should be safe compared to other ways this kind of game could occur but I wasn't sure if I had sufficient capacity for lateral thinking or if I could make a good one. So I simply shrugged and waited to see what would happen. "Okay, Applejack. You go first." Said pony rubbed her head with a hoof as Pinkie Pie found a cushion to sit on before she finally gave us the riddle.
"What's it that reaches higher than any tree bu' bares no fruit, it has the deepest roots but no shoots, up and up it goes bu' it don't actually grow?" There was a pause as we thought this over before my mum answered.
"A mountain." She sighed with a sense of 'here we go again' as Applejack smiled and said.
"Got'it in one. Your go." We waited for mum to deliver.
"All things it devours, birds, beasts, trees, flowers. Gnaws iron, bites steel, grinds hard stones to meal. Slays kings, ruins towns, and beats the high mountains down." This sounded most familiar to me as every one here, pony and person, thought this line over.
"Rust!" Pinkie Pie shouted.
"Wrong." Mum replied with a slight smirk.
"Um... is it a dragon?" Fluttershy chanced.
"No." Mum corrected.
"Hey, Pinkie." Rainbow Dash butted in. "How much time are we allowed?"
"Time!" I realised where mum was coming from. "The answer's time!" Mum nodded ferociously.
"All yours." Pinkie declared. I paused to think things over before finding an option, hoping that since mum had a go she'd abstained from this one.
"Thirty white horses on a red hill." I recited. "First they champ, then they stamp, and then they stand still." There was a long pause as this was considered.
"The Royal guard?" Rainbow Dash guessed.
"Eh-uh." I squawked while shaking my head.
"Oooh. I know, I know!" Pinkie Pie cried out. "It's teeth." I nodded at this. "See, we were confused because we've usually got thirty-six."
"Thirty-six." I repeated with a gasp. "Most humans have thirty-two, although the first set comprises of just sixteen."
"Yeah, we 'ave a first set, too." Applejack replied. "Only our foals typically have jus' twelve, and Big Macintosh, 'e's go' forty-two." This left me to wonder if Granny Smith had false teeth or not in light of the whole 'long in the tooth' thing just as Pinkie Pie announced.
"My go! My go!" She stuck her tongue out and positioned herself as if deep in thought before speaking again. "Why's a raven like a writing desk?" I rolled my eyes once she said this.
"Oh, she's lost the plot completely." Mum groaned, at which Rainbow Dash laughed.
"With Pinkie Pie it's more unusual when she gets a hold of it in the first place." She remarked. Nevertheless I knew that there was something of an answer somewhere but this was a long time coming. For a while there were mutters repeating the question as we struggled to solve it, Twilight and I were particular offenders of this.
"Because it can produce a few notes, though they are very flat." A familiar heavenly voice answered. "And it is 'nevar' put with the wrong end in front." At this point all of us had turned to see Princess Celestia standing not at the door where we had all come in but instead at the doorway that led down a marble corridor; of course I gave the over-heart salute whilst the rest of my family subsequently gave a brief bow or a slight curtsey and four of the ponies bowed rather more than any of us. Only Twilight and Pinkie remained.
"Correct!" Pinkie Pie declared. "Did ya hear that riddle before, Princess?" She nodded in response.
"A little under two hundred years ago." This was one situation where all of us who had only recently arrived in Equestria did double-takes between each other, Pinkie Pie and Celestia.
"I thought that riddle had no answer." Mum pointed out.
"I think I read that answer once." Jane whispered. Mum groaned at this.
"Only been here a day or two and I'm already convinced that miss diabetes-on-legs here's got no grasp on reality." She added.
"Oh, I don't think it's fair to say that." I pointed out. "Pinkie Pie's got a pretty good grasp on reality, but not necessarily a reality any one here's familiar with."
"Now that Luna and I've gone over the results of your medical exams," Celestia announced, "There is just one more thing to do before lunch, if you would all follow me." She turned and slowly walked back down the corridor, Pinkie Pie following in her classic stotting gait, whereupon Rainbow Dash took up position behind her with indications that she wasn't willing to set her hooves on the floor, after whom came Twilight and then I fell into position behind her. The others followed but I did not turn to look who stood where in the line at that time.
We were led along a winding route through the palace that seemed at that time to be akin to the labyrinth of legend. Now and again we passed arched windows that looked out over green terraces to the valleys beyond. Finally we came to a wooden door at the end of a passageway that bore no offshoots of any kind; Princess Celestia pushed open the door and, as we entered, I spied Princess Luna sitting behind a desk with a number of papers on it.
"Please be seated." Celestia invited us, pointing to a line of reasonably comfy-looking chairs. "Twilight, you and your friends need not participate in this; you'll find a few activities to pass the time through this door," She gestured over Luna's shoulder, "And once we're done we'll make it perfectly clear why we asked you to accompany our human guests." With that all the ponies gave a quick bow and departed as the rest of us took a seat and waited. Mum clearly looked like she was gonna be sick, but I couldn't be sure if this was because she hadn't had a smoke for an hour or so or if it was due to the girly nature of the standard Equestrian environment. Celestia now took up position beside her sister. "Since we are currently uncertain as to the cause of your arrival in our country, or indeed our world, we've agreed that there's no real option but to permit each and every one of you the chance to become citizens of Equestria." My eyebrows shot up at this with feelings of joy and unease. "The procedure will remain the same as it would for any other kind of sapient, however the educational requirements will be mitigated by way of being tutored by my own personal student with support from her assistant and periodical contributions from each of us, and furthermore I personally would be most grateful to be provided with information and education into the world of humans, which may be delivered either directly or via my student. Of course she'd be more than happy to learn about your world."
"This shall be carried out in alphabetical order." Luna announced. "However we're unsure as to whether we should handle each of you in order by your first names or your family names." Her tone suggested that she'd rehearsed this, which would explain the lack of archaic terminology.
"Then I would like our prospective subjects to put it to the vote." Celestia declared. "All in favour of being selected in order of your first names, raise your right... hand." It made sense, bearing in mind that only one of us had a different surname. "All who would rather be handled by family name?" Granddad was the only one who opted for the latter. "First name basis it is. Mr Colin H. Slater." I stood up as a 1960's pupil would when their teacher came into the class and stepped forward in a half-hearted march. "Please, be seated." Curiously a chair that looked like it came from an 18th Century version of Mastermind appeared; my seating was rather hesitant. "Whatever material you wish to remain confidential will remain so, since this room's enchanted to stop intimate conversations from carrying." I nodded at this.
"Please confirm thy name." Luna commanded, her tone reminded me of when I attended high school. I repeated as instructed, then I noticed that Celestia looked a tad amused.
"I believe she meant that we need to ascertain the spelling." She remarked. So I spelled out each of my names in turn, whereupon a quill scratched across a piece of paper in front of Luna, which suggested to me that she was the one who was levitating it.
"Date of birth?" Luna continued.
"If I were to mention it as I would normally," I pointed out, "It may cause miscalculations regarding my age."
"Explain." Celestia requested with a cocked eyebrow.
"Well, first off we both use different ways of numbering our years." I extrapolated. "Secondly we can't really be sure if we're using the same length of calendar." They looked at each other for a moment before coming to a decision.
"How many seconds in a minute?" Celestia asked.
"Sixty." I replied.
"How many minutes in an hour?" Luna asked.
"Sixty." I answered.
"How dost thy race cope with seasonal shifts?" Luna asked when Celestia informed Her of the nature of our yearly cycle. I paused as I tried to ascertain what She was talking about.
"If your majesty's referring to the accumulation of missing days that lead to the position of seasons shifting by way of our calendar year," The way I said it, in retrospect, seemed even more confusing than Her own, "We typically have 365 days in a year but add an extra day every four years, although if the leap year falls on a centennial then it may be skipped. I'm sorry, m'ladies, but I can't quite remember exactly how the Gregorian calendar works. See, the one where the leap year occurs every four years precisely is known as the Julian calendar." There was a pause before Celestia spoke.
"I look forward to hearing more about human horology, among many other topics." She said. "Just one thing, please try to avoid addressing us by the term 'm'lady', just 'princess' or 'princesses' will suffice." I lowered my head in embarrassment and shame, swallowing nervously as I wondered how firm-hoofed Celestia was regarding excessive and insufficient formality.
"So," Luna continued, "If thy home world's year is imperfectly aligned with thy daily cycle, how are the days split between the months?"
"Thirty days hath September," I recited, "April, June and November. All the others have thirty-one, except February. February has twenty-eight days under normal circumstances but twenty-nine during a leap year." The Princesses glanced at each other before Celestia mentioned.
"In the Equestrian calendar only January, March, May, August and October have thirty-one days, the rest have thirty. It would appear a curious incident that both our calendar dates match up in this year. So, when were you born in your own understanding of time-keeping?"
"Tenth of April, 1988." I explained. "Half past ten on a Sunday evening." Both of Them raised one eyebrow. "My last birthday was my twenty-fifth." Luna scratched out some more writing.
"What was thy address when thou was in thy home world?" She asked. I immediately informed them of this.
"Is England the name of your home country?" Celestia asked.
"Technically." I replied. "My nationality is British because England is just one of four countries that form the nation commonly known as the United Kingdom." A few more notes were written.
"We'll have to consider whether or not to use the same name for the track on which your home now stands." Celestia mentioned.
"Doth thou consider thyself religious in any way?" Luna asked
"Essentially." I replied, hoping that She didn't mean religious in the sense of religion being the key driving force in my day-to-day life.
"Then, what do you view yourself as in terms of faith?" Celestia added.
"Sakura no Mahou." I answered, barely missing a beat. There was a pause as They shared a glance.
"And what dost thy faith entail?" Luna added.
"In order for it to work," I began my spiel, "You have to accept the theory of there being a great multitude of alternative realities, which being here has pretty much confirmed. There was a work of fiction in my world about a schoolgirl who was tasked with recovering a series of magical entities that had got loose and, having done so, she was then tasked with bringing them completely under her authority; to become more powerful than the sorcerer who had created them. Depending on which version you use there could be nineteen or fifty-two entities. The key idea behind my making a faith from this is that, not only are there universes where fiction becomes reality but that in one particular universe this young sorceress was already the most powerful figure when she was twelve, so by the time she reaches adulthood her power would be so great that she could travel back in time and initiate the creation of all possible universes, in what I like to call the ouroboros principle." There was a seemingly long silence before Celestia spoke up.
"So, your beliefs stem from the idea of other realities and a pre-destination paradox?" I nodded with conviction at this. "I'm not entirely sure how that could work in a pure form as creation and governance are not quite the same thing. Who actually started this faith?"
"Me." I replied in a surprisingly sharp tone.
"And how many disciples hast thou acquired?" Luna checked. There was a pause as the awkwardness of the situation made me look as though I was calculating the answer.
"Altogether..." I finally answered, "None."
"So, this 'Sakura no Mahou' following consists of just one person?" Celestia seemed incredulous and amused at the same time. "I fear that your arrival in our nation may erode this faith."
"I'll admit it's likely to be amended into something a bit more polytheist," I replied, "But compared to what went before I'd say it's quite coherent. A popular concept amongst humanity is that 'god created man in his own image', but there was a time I thought 'the gods created rabbits in their own images'. However I'd appreciate it if your highnesses would avoid bringing this up in front of my parents." There was a slightly stumped look to Them but They gave a nod with a calm smile.
"I shall look forward to hearing more about human beliefs." Celestia added. "Especially if there's no clear physical indication to reinforce any of them."
"What was thy trade?" Luna asked.
"I worked as a library assistant for a college on Monday mornings." I explained. More scratches.
"And your hobbies?" Celestia asked.
"Reading, writing, listening to music, walking, there are a few others but I'd have to define some terms first." I seemed to have grown accustomed to Their style of writing by now.
"If thou refers to the everyday technology used by thy species," Luna stated, "We hath already received information about television and thy definition of 'computer', so unless there happens to be any other aspect thy wishes to explain thou can save thy breath."
"Your elocution is very poetic, Princess." I replied with a slight rise in at least one of my eyebrows. "There is one thing that's tied to the computer, which I doubt you've yet heard of. It's called the Internet." A brief exchange of looks between Them confirmed my suspicion. "It's a bit like a phone-line but separate, which allows computers to communicate with each other from all over the world. Indeed, last night I was able to confirm that it responded to passing across dimensions in the same way telephones have: they can still communicate with our home world as though nothing happened. At any rate the Internet has come to be used for all sorts of things: e-mail, the closest comparison to which would be how Spike sends letters to you, and there's the writing of stories, theses, theories, etc. television-type material can be found on it, photo manipulation (a kind of artwork), more standard art, the list is almost endless."
"And you... participate in these things?" Celestia asked.
"Indeed. It has been a very prominent feature in my spare time; of course I also play games on the computer which aren't directly linked to the Internet."
"And what style would these games of yours be?" Luna put in.
"Mostly strategy-based, Princess." I answered. "Although I've also played economically-inclined games and first-person games with a lot of fighting involved, oh and there's the adventure games." For a moment I thought They exchanged a wry smile, which made me wonder just what might be in store.
"Okay." Celestia stated as She wrote a few more notes. "What were your favourite subjects to study at school?"
"Ah." I had to consider just how to answer this. "Well, at this time I look back rather fondly on English, History and foreign languages. The way geography used to be taught garners some interest and I was quite fond of Science when I was at school, although it's lost its appeal since I took a college course in it. In a way I suppose everything has some fascination for me, it's just that the interest varies from topic to topic." The following pause was the longest yet in this intercourse, during which I felt as though a plethora of caterpillars had hatched in my stomach though I couldn't consciously pin down exactly what set it off at this time.
"I do believe that, in light of there being very little in the way of communication problems," Celestia identified, "Equestrian and English are essentially one and the same."
"That would appear to be the case." I acknowledged.
"Young human." Luna declared. "In light of the information thou hast delivered to us in light of thy knowledge of our nation we are in no doubt that thy determination to only pass on this information to whomever we judge suited to not only accept it but also to recognise it as an official secret is quite possibly thy most prudent decision as yet." I now considered the possibility that this topic was what set off the sense of unease, though there was no guarantee.
"One last thing." Celestia announced. "Please deliver unto us your most recent financial information from your world." I figured Her mode of speech was built around an idea to minimise any feeling of offense for asking me about my bank details; though this was supposed to be purely between me and the bank these circumstances and my burning desire to implicitly trust both of Them compelled me to hand it over. "And the money in your wallet." I immediately returned this item to Her. After a couple of minutes Luna said.
"What might thee determine to be the exchange rate between our worlds?" The look in Her sharp eyes indicated a suggestion that She could quickly determine anyone trying to perform a con.
"In light of how Applejack could sell an apple pie for two bits," I answered, "And that an apple pie can cost £2.50 at home, I'd say 1 bit to £1.25." Luna's glare softened, which seemed to finally settle the butterflies.
"In the coming week you will receive two accounts in the Equestrian National Bank." Celestia informed me. "One for savings and a current account. In the mean time," She returned my wallet before offering hard cash, "Please accept this for minor expenses. 16 bits, six and threepence." I stared at the plethora of floating coins before replying.
"Princess, despite my own tendency towards sponging I don't think it would be frugal of me to accept this." Once I said this She arched an eyebrow.
"Young man," Her tone had dropped significantly, "You have been plopped down in our realm with absolutely no currency that is recognised by international financiers. If you're so reluctant to accept this then I would have no alternative but to effectively command you to accept this." This made me feel most uncomfortable, it was rather like a slightly subtler version of that scene from Lord of the Rings where Gandalf suddenly becomes intimidating to Bilbo. Promptly I held out my hand and watched as the money was dropped in, although I had to bend down to retrieve a few that bounced. It seemed that Celestia had produced an actual note to the value of 10 bits, a striking orange bordered with an off-white upon which was Her profile on one side and a picture of the palace on the other. Among the coins there was a two-bit piece, which had both of Their profiles on and was twice the diameter of the typical bit, four one-bit pieces with both of Their cutie marks on, two one-shilling pieces that were about the same size as bits but made of silver or something superficially like it, two two-shilling pieces or florins if you will, a copper or bronze penny and a tuppence piece.
"Thank you, your majesties." I gave them a quick bow.
"Now, hast thee any questions?" Luna asked. There was a long pause as I did my best to think back to the ideas I wanted to clear up with Them; I could never understand what it was that made you forget all the questions and comments you wanted to address at the key moment.
"I could've sworn that there were many I wished to ask," I confessed, "But now I'm struggling to recall those that would surely be relevant but would not be resolved by way of my upcoming studies." At this Celestia seemed to sigh and shake Her head.
"Then let's stick with any curiosities you may have about our society," She suggested, "And that which any young foal could deduce had they been born here." There was a suggestion of a teasing wink from Her. Taking a deep breath I considered my first question before asking.
"On the night of a meteor shower Twilight was writing a paper on the consistency of comets, which happens to be pretty much how humanity currently understands them. If this was correct, then how would you be able to manipulate such events as meteor showers, Princess Luna?" She seemed taken aback by this remark and, from Celestia's reaction to this, a bit confused as well.
"I think he's referring to the Orionid shower." Celestia suggested, prompting something else I wished to get cleared up.
"Oh." Luna responded. "Well, we dost hath total authority over the night sky but, thou should understand that sapient life is typically curious and so we will amend our designs now and then. Comets used to be little more than portions of light with a meagre physical form to anchor the light to, but about twelve hundred years ago we made it so they'd shine through a more direct physical effort." Far from being disappointed, although I was initially inclined that way, I smiled and replied.
"I shall look forward to any opportunity to watch your work. Albeit there may be many a distraction that could crop up at the wrong time." Luna seemed to acknowledge this as being a typical outlook. "By the way, the way I understand it the constellation of Orion is supposed to look like a human fighting something. If it looks the same here then have you ever encountered or heard of humans before?"
"The donkeys used to refer to a myth about humans." Celestia acknowledged. "It spoke of bipedal primates who could swim better than any other but were so driven by the passion of hunting that they were among the most indulgent and dangerous of all species except for dragons. Of course that was most assuredly an exaggeration; I'm not too clear on the origins but I suspect they were actually thinking more about the diamond dogs, although they aren't that great at swimming." I nodded in response to this as it seemed to fit together before stating.
"Just be careful about mentioning 'diamond dogs' to my parents. It was bad enough with the whole 'Canterlot - Camelot' thing." They exchanged a look of puzzlement at this. "That's all I can think of right now." At this They gave a comparatively small smile and Luna said.
"Worry not for thy recall. It could well be that under Twilight Sparkle's tutelage thou shalt learn more readily than in our own interviewing." I felt like I was blushing at this point.
"All right." Celestia announced. "You may wait in the next room now." She swung Her hoof in a loop, which I wasn't sure if it was a reinforcement of Her words or if She was doing so to try and shrug off any unease I felt regarding my limited knowledge of Equestrian etiquette. With that I stood, made a brief Japanese-style bow and turned to the only other door in the room.