An Experiment

by Kelvin Shadewing

TEST 03: "MY LITTLE PASSPORT; IMMIGRATION IS BORING"

TEST 03: "MY LITTLE PASSPORT; IMMIGRATION IS BORING"

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I looked at my watch, then at the sun. Rolling my head back, I let out a bored sigh. "Are we there yet?"

"It's only been an hour, Ash," Daring said, hopping onto the seat next to me, "Give it a rest already."

I huffed. "I don't see why we gotta take this slow-ass boat all the way to Cloppa."

"And I don't see what you have against donkeys," Daring said bitterly.

I cocked my head. "Donkeys? I don't have anything against donkeys."

"Then why do you keep using the word 'ass' like that?"

It took me a moment to process that before it clicked. "Oh! That ass! Heheh. No, that's not what I meant. The word has two meanings back in my world, the other being a slang term for a rear end."

"Wait, seriously?" Daring looked confused for a moment. "That doesn't make any sense, calling your flanks your ass. Where does it come from?"

I shrugged. "I dunno. Just is. You got a slang term for it?"

She chuckled. "Yeah, 'plot.'"

I half snickered. "'Plot?' Really? And you say mine makes no sense."

"It makes perfect sense," said Daring, "Like, if you wanted to insult somepony, you could say they're a plot hole, or to say somepony's putting on weight, you say 'the plot thickens.'"

I laughed. "Oh, wow, I get it! That's pretty good."

And thus, the cultural exchange ensued. Daring caught me up to speed, not only on how Equestrians talked, but on a few other mannerisms so my encounters with the locals wouldn't be so awkward. And then, being the mature and respectable adults we were, we exchanged some dirty jokes as well. Hey, it helped pass the time. It wasn't like I could play with my portal gun on a crowded boat or anything.

Finally, we reached Cloppa. I guess it was this world's Joppa, but when I learned what the slang version of 'clop' meant, it suddenly sounded like a very unfortunate name. I put on my serious business face when we came to the consulate.

"You know," said Daring Do, "since you're new to this world and all, you could really have any name you want now."

I tapped my chin. "Hmm, never thought of that. How do ponies come up with their names?"

Daring shrugged. "I dunno. It just comes to us. The name usually ends up describing something about the pony, but there's plenty of cases where that doesn't apply. Why? Do you want a pony name?"

"Yeah," I said, "Might help me fit in."

"Well then think about something about yourself and use that," she said, "like for me, I do all kinds of dangerous stuff, so Daring Do fits me. Maybe you could come up with something regarding that portal gun?"

I grinned. "Yeah, I could. Wouldn't have to change much either, if I went with what I'm thinking of."

Daring looked up at me expectantly. "Oh? You have an idea already?"

I nodded. "Yup. Ash Pod."

Daring tilted her head. "Ash Pod? I don't get it."

"The full title of the portal gun is the Aperture Science Handheld Portal Device, which shortens to ASHPD or ASHPoD. Cut that into two words, you get Ash Pod."

The pegasus looked up in thought. "You sure that's what you want? You know you won't be able to change it again once we have your papers filled out."

I rolled my eyes. "Yes, Professor Oak, I'm sure that's my name. Are you gonna ask my gender now, too?"

Daring gave me a confused look.

"Never mind," I said, "I don't think Pokémon jokes will work here."

She shrugged. "Sounds about right. Well, you ready for this?"

I took in a deep breath. "Ready as I'll ever be. You sure they'll just let me get a passport without any ID?"

Daring nodded. "Sure, I'm sure. If you have nothing, they can help you make your new identification. Might wanna leave the 'alien from another world' thing out of it. Say you're a... a nomad. They've had nomads register themselves before."

I bobbed my head thoughtfully. "Alright then. Here I go. Wish me luck."

I signed into the guest book and was told to wait until an officer was ready for me. The pony I was then led to was a short unicorn stallion with thick-rim glasses and a fancy ball-point pen for a cutie mark.

"Good afternoon, sir," he said like my unidentified species meant nothing to him, "I'm Dotted Line. How can I be of assistance?"

"I'd like to apply for a passport," I said, then added, "and I guess an immigration form... and pretty much the whole identification thing. I'm a nomad." Yes, I was quite the smooth player here.

"Ah, yes," Dotted said, "We've had your kind here before. No large matter, really."

I cocked my head. "You've had other humans before?"

Dotted Line looked surprised at first. "Oh, no, I meant nomads. I'm afraid I'm not familiar with... humans, you say?"

"Right," I said, "We're a... rare species. Most ponies don't know about us."

The unicorn raised an eyebrow. "You're not in for any breeding programs, are you?"

"What?!" I coughed, "Uh, no, no, I'm not. I'm just looking for citizenship, that's all."

"Right," he said, "Well then, I'll have the papers printed up for you, and you can fill them out and turn them in at your leisure. I'll be here if you have any questions."

Dotted's horn glowed a pale yellow, as did a small stack of papers on his desk. The papers rose up in the field towards me, and stopped glowing as I took them. Daring had told me about unicorns having magic, but I was still amazed to see it for the first time.

I thanked him and took them out to the lobby. Daring stepped up next to me as I took a pen from one of the tables and began filling out the form.

"How's it going?" she asked, putting her hooves up on the table as she watched the oh, so fascinating act of me filling out papers.

"Meh," I replied, "This stuff's ticking me off. Two of these forms are asking for information that I can only provide if I've already done the other, but to do that, I need a certificate from this one as proof of something or other, and then I need to give blood and sacrifice my first born to the math god, Pemdas, so I can gather the gold dust needed to build a rainbow bridge into a castle to find some ancient key that unlocks a lost technology, in which I shall find a vault containing the ink that goes in this freaking pen so I can fill out more forms!"

Daring blinked. "Do you do that often?"

"My mind tends to wander when I'm bored," I said, "Sometimes I like to watch where it goes."

The pegasus chuckled and took one of the sheets. "Here, I can help with this. Most of this stuff you can just make up anyway. Let's see..."

Author's Note:

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Comments

[Cold Spike]

GO ASH POD!

[Omega Infinita]

Hehe, this is gonna be good!

[Shadow-silver]

The plot thickens

[Oh hi there]

ALL HAIL TO THE MIGHTY PEMDAS!!