The day I first found the portal gun, I didn't expect to discover an alien race with it. On accident. Nor did I expect to get stuck on their planet. But I'm here now, so I might as well make the most of it. Let's just hope I don't get myself killed.
TEST 00: "BEFORE THERE WERE PONIES, THERE WAS THE CUBE"
TEST 00: "BEFORE THERE WERE PONIES, THERE WAS THE CUBE"
"No freaking way..." I picked up the Aperture Science containment cube and shook it gently. Something was inside. I didn't know how it got here or who made it, but it looked just like it did in the game. And it was mine now.
I rushed home with the prize I found on my way from work. I didn't even know Portal had merchandise like this, but who cares? I wanted to know just what was in this box!
I opened the door of the small rural house I was staying in. I lived in a small town, kind of a loner, and rarely talked to anyone outside of work. Setting the box down, I started looking for a latch or a seam, but nothing seemed to indicate any way of opening the box.
Frowning, I took a hammer and smacked the corner of it. Immediately, the box's corner pieces popped off and the six sides fell apart. What I saw, I couldn't believe was real.
A pair of full-size metal long fall boots, and a replica of the portal gun. It even had lights on it too. "Oh man!" I said to myself, "I'm gonna look so bad-ass wearing this stuff at Comic Con!"
I pulled out the boots first, took my shoes off, and slipped my feet in. The felt a bit too large at first, but suddenly there was a mechanical hissing noise as the boots clamped around my feet and fit themselves on snugly. Gasping a bit in surprise, I took a closer look.
"OK, that's not normal. This shit must be worth thousands if someone made actual self-fitting shoes." I took an experimental jump, and when I landed, my feet felt nothing at all.
Picking up the portal gun, I looked it over closely. It too was made of real metal, and the glass parts felt strong, almost indestructible. I chuckled softly and took aim. "Yeah, what do you bet it's just a flash li--"
*PEWOIP!*
"...light?"
My jaw hit the floor. My wall, formerly tan, was now glowing bright blue. Well, an oval portion of it was, at least. I trembled hard and looked at the gun again. It's internal lights were now shining blue as well. Just to prove to myself I wasn't dreaming, I shot another part of the wall. The blue oval disappeared, and another one took its place on the other side of my living room.
My first thought was that this was a hologram projected by the gun, but shouldn't it move when I tilt the device? I looked the gun over again, and this time I found a second trigger under the first one for my middle finger. I pulled it, neglecting to take into account that I was aiming at the floor.
Before I could react, I fell into the orange ring on the ground and fell out my wall, landing face-down on the carpet.
"Oww..." I groaned, and got up to my feet, "This has got to be a dream." I stood up and slapped myself in the face. The gun was still in my hand, and there were two portals still open in my room. I shot the wall with another orange portal, and instantly saw the back of myself as I looked through it.
My eyeballs nearly popped out of their sockets. This was real. This was freaking real.
I drove out into the desert, into an area with lots of plateaus. Since I lacked a testing chamber, I needed a place with lots of flat surfaces to test this stuff on properly.
My body flowed with adrenaline. I'd always thought that Hollywood made movies to cover up things that were real, being the conspiracy theorist I was. I had no idea the same was true for video games, and that I'd be the one to find a piece of leaked portal technology.
This of course alerted me to the fact that any day now, the feds would show up and take my new toy away from me. Thinking on that, I decided I should have as much fun with it as I could until then.
I parked my car near a high stone wall and stepped out. First test, long fall boots. I shot a portal onto a low point, one I knew I could survive a fall from, and then one at the ground. As I jumped down into it and fell out the other side, the boots seemed to take over for my legs and corrected my fall so I landed upright. Again, I felt nothing.
So here I discovered two things: the boots really worked, but they needed a long enough fall to adjust my angle, hence why I landed on my face at home. Feeling braver, I decided to try some flinging, and nearly cracked my skull on the ground as I just barely missed my landing, or lack thereof, on the next portal. I couldn't help going for another round; the thrill of flying so fast was indescribable, and being able to simply land on my feet every time, merely skidding a few feet as friction took hold of me again, was astonishing.
I laughed out of sheer excitement and whooped, throwing my arms in the air like I just didn't care. Not paying attention to what I was doing, I accidentally shot a portal straight into the sky.
My eyes bulged when I realized what I'd just done. "Oh.. my.. god... Did I really just do that?!" I looked from the gun to the blue glowing contrail leading from the glowing sphere that was rapidly leaving Earth.
"Oh shit, oh shit, OH SHIT!" I remembered the ending to Portal 2, when Chell shot a portal at the moon. The air became a vacuum, sucking Chell and Wheatly out into space. Ironically, it was GLaDOS who had rescued Chell from becoming a Popsicle on the moon.
Thankfully, the moon was out of the way, but that only meant the other side of the portal would open somewhere else.
Weeks past since the incident with the portal gun. I kept both the portals open in my basement, waiting for the day when the blue one would disappear and the orange would open in some other world. Whatever came out, I was responsible, and I would be the first one to deal with it, for better or for worse.
Finally, the day came when I went down into my basement, and saw only the orange portal, looking up into the blue sky. My heart nearly stopped when I saw the sky looked just like ours. Did the beam somehow come back down to earth?
As I poked my head through the portal, finding the air was in fact breathable, I looked around at the strange new world I'd accidentally discovered.
I was in some kind of archaic-looking sandstone ruin with the occasional patch of overgrown plant life here and there. I figured it would be safe to take a look around; no one was likely to be there, and if they were, I could just use the portal gun and drop myself back into my basement.
I went back upstairs and got myself into my gear. Long black socks, so my long fall boots wouldn't get stinky (take that, Chell), an olive green jump suit, my free running gloves, and the portal gun.
Time for adventure!
I went back to the portal and took a deep breath. The portal was on the ground, so I'd need to take a running start. I ran through and propelled myself into the air, and righted myself up, then spread my legs to catch my feet on the edge of the portal.
Here I was, in a new world with only my wits, my agility and my trusty--ah, screw it! Time to take a freaking look around. The place was pretty big, and looked like the perfect place for a portal-jumping free runner like me. Too bad it was off world, I would have totally taken advantage of this place.
After some wandering around, I heard voices coming from somewhere nearby. Some melodramatic villain laughter and a woman screaming. I knew it would be dangerous, but I had to check it out. If I could help, it was my responsibility to do so. As my dad used to tell me, if you have the power to help someone and choose not to, their fate is your fault. Like hell I was gonna let him down; that'd be like pissing on his grave.
I ran towards the source of the voices, and came to the edge of the ruin where I saw my first example of this world's inhabitants.
How should I describe what I saw? High up on the wall was some sort of orange quadruped with a dark gray tail and a... safari hat? Oh, and wings. It had wings. One of them was held at an awkward angle, like it was hurt. This thing was definitely a pegasus.
The creature that was standing over said pegasus and laughing like a Bond villain, however, I'm not sure how to describe. Some kind of blue cat monkey with a hand on its tail. Its tail hand was holding some kind of gold scimitar with a jeweled hilt that was pointed at the pegasus.
The pegasus backed up towards the edge. Her rear hoof slid off the edge and she looked down at the distant earth below.
I knew what I had to do, but doing so would mean losing my portal back home. But if I didn't do anything, I'd have to live with the death of a stranger on my conscience. I couldn't stand by a second longer, so I acted.
I fired the orange portal onto the side of a tall wall, and a blue at my feet, falling through into the air. I took aim at the pegasus and fired my next blue portal under her hooves. She fell unceremoniously through over me and started her plummet right towards me.
"This could be painful," I told myself, and put the portal under us just before she landed on me. The result was us sharing momentum as we were flung back out of the wall over the head of the blue cat monkey.
I twisted myself in the air and wrapped my arms around the pegasus' forelegs so she was riding on my back. The irony of the moment was not lost on me. For a three and a half foot tall horse, she was pretty light, which I figured probably indicated hollow bones for flight.
The landing wasn't perfect, but we survived. I carefully lowered the pegasus off my back. "Whew, talk about a close call. Are you O--OOF!" Two rear hooves to the butt later, I was sprawled out face down in the dirt.
"Are you bucking crazy?!" she screamed, "I was so close to getting the Sultan's Scimitar until you showed up! Now Auhizotl's gonna get away with it!"
The fact that the crazy horse was actually talking to me in the same language I spoke should have come as a surprise to me, but I was more concerned with the context of her words. "Excuse me?!" I snapped, turning around to face her, "I'm sorry, but it looked more like that Zowie Yodel guy was about to run you through with a sword. And I just sacrificed my ticket home so I could save your sorry ass, so I would appreciate it if you at least had the courtesy to thank me instead of kicking me!"
"Oh, yeah? Well..." She stopped and stared at me for a second before puffing out her cheeks and grinning. "Did you just call him 'Zowie Yodel?'"
I cocked an eyebrow. "Yeah?"
She sputtered and burst out laughing. "Oh, wow! I gotta remember that one next time I see him! Ha ha! Ow! Buck, my wing." She reached for her side and grabbed her injured wing with her hoof.
I knelt down next to her. "How bad is it?" I felt her wing. The bone didn't feel broken, but I wasn't taking any chances, especially with the way she winced at my touch. Setting my portal gun down, I opened her pack and started going through it.
"Hey, what do you think you're doing?" she asked.
"You're right," I said, "I shouldn't go through a lady's purse without being introduced." I didn't stop my search.
She raised an eyebrow at me. "Um..."
"Aha!" I found a bandage inside and two wooden slats. I put her wing between them and bound it tight. "There. That should do it."
She looked at it closely. "Are you a doctor, or something?"
I laughed. "Nah, my mom's a vet. She showed me how to bandage a bird wing. Yours isn't too different." I grinned and playfully punched her shoulder. "Now you owe me two."
She scowled. "You cost me the Sultan's Scimitar."
"And now I'm homeless for it," I said, going back to being serious, "I could have left you to that cat monkey thing and gone home, but I chose to save you instead."
The mare opened her mouth to speak, then stopped. She looked down in thought, then said, "How are you stuck?"
I sighed and picked up the portal gun. "Look." I fired both portals on the ground and stood over the blue one. "Look down into the other one."
The mare did so, and gasped. "How are you down there?"
I knelt down and poked my head through. "Portals," I said, "I can link any two points in space with this gun, as long as I have a clear line of sight between them." I sat back and pressed the emancipation button that dispelled both gates. "Unfortunately, my homeland isn't even on this planet. Unless I find some way of locating my world, I'm stuck here."
The pegasus looked at me sorrowfully. "So... you really are stuck here?"
I nodded. I kind of wanted to ask how we were speaking the same language, but it didn't seem to matter anymore.
She came up and put her hoof on my shoulder. "I'm sorry. I didn't know."
I sighed. "It's fine."
We sat in silence for a moment before she spoke up. "Daring Do, archaeologist and explorer, at your service." She held a hoof out to me.
I held her hoof and shook it. "Ashton Lopez. Uh, high school graduate and free runner."
Daring laughed. "Free runner, huh? Nice. Don't suppose you mind carrying me again, do ya?"
I rolled my eyes. "Anyway, sorry about your sword. Any chance we can get it back?"
Daring shook her head. "Nope. Auhizotl's halfway back to his hideout by now." She exhaled sharply, blowing her bangs out of her enormous magenta eyes. "Whelp, you can't win 'em all." She stood up and brushed the dust off her flanks. "Come on, let's get out of this desert."
"You're letting me go with you?" I asked.
The mare grinned. "I still owe you for the wing. And I was serious about you carrying me. My wing is still sore. Unless you can portal us back to town."
I shrugged. "Gimme a good starting point, and I might be able too. Like I said, I need a line of sight."
"Here, lemme see that." She took the gun from me. "How do you shoot this thing?"
I grabbed it back. "You need fingers to shoot it."
She rolled her eyes and grabbed my arm, pulling me down to her level. "Fine, I'll aim, you shoot."
I gaped. "Can you see that far?"
Daring laughed. "I'm a pegasus, aren't I?"
I stared blankly.
She sighed and took aim. "Just shoot when I tell you to."
So as it turns out, pegasi have telescopic eyes. Go figure. Daring Do used her raptor vision to home in on certain landmarks and portal us back to town.
The land we were in was a province called Saddle Arabia, a territory of the Equestrian empire. Apparently, the land of Equestria, which as it turns out was largely made up of talking ponies, had territories all over the world. And what was weirder was all their cities were some sort of pony pun, like Trottingham, Manehattan, Los Pegasus, etcetera. The city we were in was called Nagrabah. I don't get the pun on that one.
The last portal came out against a wall facing the street, and we stepped through into the city. Daring tapped my side.
"I gotta head to the palace and let them know I didn't get the Sultan's Scimitar." The pegasus sighed. "My author back home isn't gonna be pleased he doesn't get to write a book on this one. Nopony wants to read about my failures."
I blinked. "You have an author?"
She nodded. "Yeah, this guy named Pen Stroke. Whenever I go on an adventure, I keep a journal, and he writes about my adventures. I've already had a few books published through him."
"Wait, so, back up here. You're not just a skilled treasure hunter, but a famous one, too?" My eyes widened. "Then you're, like... the pony version of Lara Croft. Except without guns."
Daring tilted her head at me. "Who's Lara Croft?"
I shrugged. "Famous treasure hunter back home."
"Ah," said Daring, "Well, let's get this over with so we can catch the first flight back to Equestria."
"Right." I followed her towards the palace that, honestly, looked like it was ripped out of Aladdin. Even the guards around the place had the dark vests and the turbans, along with swords strapped to their sides.
Two of them grabbed their swords out of their sheaths with their mouths and crossed them over the entrance. A third guard stood between them. "Halt. Who goes there?"
"Daring Do," the pegasus replied, "Here to see Sultan Sand Sweeper about the Sultan's Scimitar."
I looked back and forth. "Wait, what did you just say? Seriously, I didn't catch that."
The guard ignored me and nodded at the others who put their weapons away and allowed us to pass.
The stallion we were led to was your usual rich sheik, except that he was a pony. His coat was a sandy tan, and his mane was so blond, it looked like a lemon. I'd have been surprised if not for that fact that such wild colorations were the norm for ponies. He greeted us with an uncomfortably friendly cheer.
"Daring Do!" he shouted, "So good to see to see you!" He turned to me so quickly it made me jump. "Ah, and a friend of the esteemed adventurer! No doubt somepony who helped you retrieve the elusive Sultan's Scimitar, no?"
I could feel myself turning red. "Ah, no, actually."
His smile vanished. "Then who is this in my palace if not a friend of Daring Do's?"
"Oh, I'm her friend alright!" I said hastily, "I just, uh, I didn't help her get the scimitar."
He raised an eyebrow. "Then how are you involved?"
Daring jumped in between us. "He saved my life!" she nearly shouted, then turned her side to him, "And my wing got hurt, and he patched me up. See?"
The sultan glanced from her wing to me. I smiled nervously. "Oh, ha! My apologies! Yes, yes, you are clearly a good friend!" He gave me a half hug and patted me on the back. "Now then, where is the scimitar?"
One awkward explanation and a lot of getting shouted at later, Daring and I were promptly kicked out of the palace. And I mean literally kicked.
I stood up and rubbed my sore bum. "Seriously, how many times am I gonna get bucked in the rear today?"
Daring growled. "That jerk could have at least gone easy on me. I have a broken wing!" She dusted herself off and started trotting away. "Ash, you better hope your luck changes soon, cuz if it doesn't, I'm not letting you stay with me."
I ran to catch up with her. "Hey, what did I do?"
"Between letting Auhizotl get away with the scimitar and me getting thrown out of the palace, lucky it wasn't all of Nagrabah, I'd say being around you is pretty unlucky."
"Oh, come on," I groaned, "I thought we were passed that part."
She sighed. "Yeah, I know. Sorry. But getting your flank kicked by a guy wearing steel shoes isn't exactly my idea of a pick me up."
"Well, maybe things'll be better in Equestria," I said, "How long's it gonna take us to get there, anyway?"
"About three days by airship," Daring said, "longer if the weather's bad. Nopony controls the weather over sea, so you never know."
I laughed half-heartedly. "Aha, that almost sounded serious."
She looked over her shoulder at me. "Why wouldn't I be serious?"
I stared at her. "You mean ponies actually control the weather here?"
"Yeah," she said, "Why? You guys don't?"
"We predict the weather," I explained, "but we don't have the means to control it. I dunno about you guys, but our technology isn't that advanced, and we don't have magic, so controlling it is out of the question."
Daring actually looked sorry for me. "Mare, that sounds rough. Doesn't it get dangerous for people when nopony in your world can stop a severe thunder storm or things like that?"
"Well, first off," I said, "ponies on my world don't talk. Or do much at all, really. Only people there are humans, and we don't have wings or anything. By the way, how do you guys control the weather, anyway?"
"Pegasi can move and stand on clouds," she said, "Many flying races can, in fact. Gryphons, dragons, changelings, all of them."
"Not sure I'm familiar with changelings," I said.
"Trust me," said Daring, "you don't wanna get familiar with them."
I decided I should take her word for it.
We reached the edge of Nagrabah and came to their airport. The airships weren't exactly what I was thinking; I had something like the ships from Final Fantasy in mind. But even with the giant balloons on them, which made them more closely resemble blimps, they were still impressive.
Daring suddenly stopped. "Uh oh."
"What?" I asked.
She turned to me. "You don't have a passport. I dunno how we're gonna get you into Equestria."
I facepalmed and groaned. "Great. This world uses passports and I don't think to bring mine. Shows how prepared I came."
"Now calm down," she said, doing that motion people do with their hands that's supposed to calm you down but looks more like they're trying to push you away. Honestly, I just wonder how she was leaning forward on two hooves. "We'll have to make a stop at the Equestrian consulate and do some paperwork."
I groaned again. "Ugh, paperwork. Fine, fine, where's the consulate?"
She pulled her lips back grimly. "Well, uh..." She chuckled. "You seem to enjoy traveling anyway, so..."
"Just give it to me straight," I said.
"We may be in Saddle Arabia for a couple more days."
TEST 03: "MY LITTLE PASSPORT; IMMIGRATION IS BORING"
TEST 03: "MY LITTLE PASSPORT; IMMIGRATION IS BORING"
I looked at my watch, then at the sun. Rolling my head back, I let out a bored sigh. "Are we there yet?"
"It's only been an hour, Ash," Daring said, hopping onto the seat next to me, "Give it a rest already."
I huffed. "I don't see why we gotta take this slow-ass boat all the way to Cloppa."
"And I don't see what you have against donkeys," Daring said bitterly.
I cocked my head. "Donkeys? I don't have anything against donkeys."
"Then why do you keep using the word 'ass' like that?"
It took me a moment to process that before it clicked. "Oh! That ass! Heheh. No, that's not what I meant. The word has two meanings back in my world, the other being a slang term for a rear end."
"Wait, seriously?" Daring looked confused for a moment. "That doesn't make any sense, calling your flanks your ass. Where does it come from?"
I shrugged. "I dunno. Just is. You got a slang term for it?"
She chuckled. "Yeah, 'plot.'"
I half snickered. "'Plot?' Really? And you say mine makes no sense."
"It makes perfect sense," said Daring, "Like, if you wanted to insult somepony, you could say they're a plot hole, or to say somepony's putting on weight, you say 'the plot thickens.'"
I laughed. "Oh, wow, I get it! That's pretty good."
And thus, the cultural exchange ensued. Daring caught me up to speed, not only on how Equestrians talked, but on a few other mannerisms so my encounters with the locals wouldn't be so awkward. And then, being the mature and respectable adults we were, we exchanged some dirty jokes as well. Hey, it helped pass the time. It wasn't like I could play with my portal gun on a crowded boat or anything.
Finally, we reached Cloppa. I guess it was this world's Joppa, but when I learned what the slang version of 'clop' meant, it suddenly sounded like a very unfortunate name. I put on my serious business face when we came to the consulate.
"You know," said Daring Do, "since you're new to this world and all, you could really have any name you want now."
I tapped my chin. "Hmm, never thought of that. How do ponies come up with their names?"
Daring shrugged. "I dunno. It just comes to us. The name usually ends up describing something about the pony, but there's plenty of cases where that doesn't apply. Why? Do you want a pony name?"
"Yeah," I said, "Might help me fit in."
"Well then think about something about yourself and use that," she said, "like for me, I do all kinds of dangerous stuff, so Daring Do fits me. Maybe you could come up with something regarding that portal gun?"
I grinned. "Yeah, I could. Wouldn't have to change much either, if I went with what I'm thinking of."
Daring looked up at me expectantly. "Oh? You have an idea already?"
I nodded. "Yup. Ash Pod."
Daring tilted her head. "Ash Pod? I don't get it."
"The full title of the portal gun is the Aperture Science Handheld Portal Device, which shortens to ASHPD or ASHPoD. Cut that into two words, you get Ash Pod."
The pegasus looked up in thought. "You sure that's what you want? You know you won't be able to change it again once we have your papers filled out."
I rolled my eyes. "Yes, Professor Oak, I'm sure that's my name. Are you gonna ask my gender now, too?"
Daring gave me a confused look.
"Never mind," I said, "I don't think Pokémon jokes will work here."
She shrugged. "Sounds about right. Well, you ready for this?"
I took in a deep breath. "Ready as I'll ever be. You sure they'll just let me get a passport without any ID?"
Daring nodded. "Sure, I'm sure. If you have nothing, they can help you make your new identification. Might wanna leave the 'alien from another world' thing out of it. Say you're a... a nomad. They've had nomads register themselves before."
I bobbed my head thoughtfully. "Alright then. Here I go. Wish me luck."
I signed into the guest book and was told to wait until an officer was ready for me. The pony I was then led to was a short unicorn stallion with thick-rim glasses and a fancy ball-point pen for a cutie mark.
"Good afternoon, sir," he said like my unidentified species meant nothing to him, "I'm Dotted Line. How can I be of assistance?"
"I'd like to apply for a passport," I said, then added, "and I guess an immigration form... and pretty much the whole identification thing. I'm a nomad." Yes, I was quite the smooth player here.
"Ah, yes," Dotted said, "We've had your kind here before. No large matter, really."
I cocked my head. "You've had other humans before?"
Dotted Line looked surprised at first. "Oh, no, I meant nomads. I'm afraid I'm not familiar with... humans, you say?"
"Right," I said, "We're a... rare species. Most ponies don't know about us."
The unicorn raised an eyebrow. "You're not in for any breeding programs, are you?"
"What?!" I coughed, "Uh, no, no, I'm not. I'm just looking for citizenship, that's all."
"Right," he said, "Well then, I'll have the papers printed up for you, and you can fill them out and turn them in at your leisure. I'll be here if you have any questions."
Dotted's horn glowed a pale yellow, as did a small stack of papers on his desk. The papers rose up in the field towards me, and stopped glowing as I took them. Daring had told me about unicorns having magic, but I was still amazed to see it for the first time.
I thanked him and took them out to the lobby. Daring stepped up next to me as I took a pen from one of the tables and began filling out the form.
"How's it going?" she asked, putting her hooves up on the table as she watched the oh, so fascinating act of me filling out papers.
"Meh," I replied, "This stuff's ticking me off. Two of these forms are asking for information that I can only provide if I've already done the other, but to do that, I need a certificate from this one as proof of something or other, and then I need to give blood and sacrifice my first born to the math god, Pemdas, so I can gather the gold dust needed to build a rainbow bridge into a castle to find some ancient key that unlocks a lost technology, in which I shall find a vault containing the ink that goes in this freaking pen so I can fill out more forms!"
Daring blinked. "Do you do that often?"
"My mind tends to wander when I'm bored," I said, "Sometimes I like to watch where it goes."
The pegasus chuckled and took one of the sheets. "Here, I can help with this. Most of this stuff you can just make up anyway. Let's see..."
I'll skip ahead past the boring parts, because there are a lot of them. Mostly just me and Daring taking day after day on an airship until at long last, we reached the Equestrian air space. I won't lie, being on an airship is freaking awesome, but even that excitement has its own finite lifespan.
Daring led me to the edge of the ship and pointed over the railing. "There's Baltimare down there. That's where I live."
I looked down at the bay town. It looked a lot like the town from Kiki's Delivery Service, but with ponies. "Looks nice. Bet it looks nicer up close." I gripped my portal gun. "Say, any chance I could jump ship without anypony noticing?"
"Are you that impatient to get off this bucket?" Daring asked with a grin.
"Truth be told? Yes. I am very ready to get off this bucket." I looked down again. "As long as I don't land on anypony, I should be safe from a fall this high. I did tell you these boots work at terminal velocity, right?"
"I think you did," Daring answered, "But I wouldn't recommend it. You're an immigrant, and I don't think they'd appreciate you jumping ship before going through customs."
"Hmm..." I looked down at my portal gun. "Well, I'm still sick of traveling, so I'm at least gonna make us a shortcut." Taking careful aim, I fired an orange beam down below us. The portal gun's orange indicator came on, telling me the orange portal had been successfully placed.
"What are you doing?" Daring asked.
"Saving us a train ride," I said, "I'll just open the blue portal once we land in Canterlot, and we'll be right back in Baltimare. The orange side won't open up until I set a new blue one anyway, since I reset it after we left Saddle Arabia."
"Smart plan," Daring said.
A few hours later, we finally landed in Canterlot. The city itself was beautiful, with it's all-white architecture, the vines growing over the aqueducts, the clean, sterile streets... it almost looked like it was built by Aperture. I wanted to leave as soon as possible.
Having finished with the customs check, and convincing the guard pony that my portal gun was not a weapon, we made our way out of the airport, and I found myself a nice, secluded spot where I could open the portal without drawing too much attention.
As soon as the blue ring opened up, a green earth mare fell out and landed on my face.
"HELP!" she screamed, "Where am I?"
"Excuse me?" I said, "Your butt is in my face."
Daring helped the mare off of me, and after managing to calm her down, I helped her get back through the portal. Somehow, I'd managed to shoot the beam through an open window into a bakery, and one of the customers thought the orange oval was some new glowing floor decoration.
"Sorry about the trouble, sir," I told the baker, and closed the portals.
"No problem," he said, "No harm, no foul. You did give us quite a scare, though. Imagine seeing a hole in the floor that led to Canterlot instead of my cellar!"
I chuckled nervously. "Yeah, I'll bet that was weird. I'll try not to do it again."
Looking back on my strange, somewhat perverted ordeal, I realized something that I wasn't sure if I should be bothered or relieved by: the ponies weren't bothered by me. Here I was, an alien in their world, and most of them didn't even bat an eyelash at me. Sure, a few stared here and there for a moment, but only those stares that say "hey, you don't see that every day." Nopony even bothered to ask what I was.
I guess one could say they didn't want to be rude by asking me what my species was, or they didn't want to appear ignorant. I could respect that, but sheesh, wasn't anypony able to tell I didn't belong?
After making sure nopony was going to press charges, Daring led me through the city to her home. I found the smaller buildings and modern style to be more appealing than Canterlot, granted I was in a bit of a hurry to get that city out of the way, and didn't give it much time to grow on me. Still, the sooner I got done traveling, the better; I was pooped.
The place Daring led me to, however, was nothing like what I'd expected. Her home was a very impressive manor on the south side of town that looked well cared-for. Being in a somewhat urban area, the grounds weren't as big as you'd expect, but still bigger than average. The house itself easily had more rooms than one pony would ever need.
"Welcome to Do Manor," Daring said as she flew over the gate, "I'll have my butler, Alfredo, set you up in a room of your own."
I portalled through the fence and joined her on the other side, grinning at how neither of us bothered to open the gate. "Thanks. I'll try not to stay too long. Soon as I can afford my own place, I'll be out of your mane."
Daring turned on me and held up a hoof. "Nuh-uh, not while I'm in charge. You saved my life, so you stay as long as you want. Nopony's forcing you out. And second," she put her hoof down and smirked, "you still owe me a treasure, so you can't leave until you get me something rare. Until then, you'll just be my assistant."
I folded my arms and scowled. "Humph. Way to treat your rescuer."
"Even heroes gotta pay their debts," Daring retorted.
We stared each other down for a few seconds before both of us burst out laughing. I have no idea what was so funny about the moment, but it seemed like something just came over us both that made the situation hilarious.
I closed my portals to make sure nopony passing by fell through the side walk into Daring's yard, or, God forbid, got stuck falling up and down in place. But my inner portal nerd told me the latter was very unlikely if the pony was already in motion. Still, better safe than sorry.
Daring rang the bell, and the door was opened by a tall (by pony standards) unicorn stallion with an eggshell coat, quaffed chestnut mane, and dark green eyes. He was dressed in traditional butler attire, and had a cutie mark that looked like a gold bell with a wooden handle.
I wondered if the males also called them cutie marks. The name seemed too feminine to me, but I couldn't come up with an alternative that didn't sound gay.
"Welcome home, Miss Do," he said in a voice that sounded like the new Alfred Pennyworth, "I trust your trip was productive."
"It went well enough, Alfredo," Daring replied.
It dawned on me.
"I expected you home several hours from now, I'll admit," Alfredo said, "I just saw the airship fly over us half an hour ago."
I fought to keep a straight face.
Alfredo noticed me. "Oh, I'm sorry, how rude of me. Who is your friend here?"
I probably looked like I was sucking on a lemon right then.
"Oh, this is Ash Pod," Daring said, turning to me, "He's gonna be staying with... Ash? Are you OK?"
I bit my lip and nodded. "Mhmm."
"Seriously, are you al--"
"One sec," I said, holding up a finger. I turned around, put my shirt over my mouth, and laughed as hard as I could into my hand. I had found the pony version of Batman's butler, and he was named after a pasta sauce.
Gasping for air, I turned around and put on my best straight face. Then I turned around again and laughed into my shirt once more.
"Is he alright?" Alfredo asked.
"He's probably been in the sun too long," Daring said, "That and, you're not gonna believe this, but he's not from around here... like, from this world."
"Really," Alfredo said in surprise.
I managed to calm down and recompose myself. "Ah, sorry about that. I, uh, just realized this town reminds me of a place I used to live in when I was little."
"Aha," Daring said, raising an eyebrow.
"Anyway," Alfredo cut in, "I'll have dinner ready around six. You say Master Ash will be staying with us? I'll prepare a room for him right away."
"Thanks, Alf," Daring said back, then turned to me, "Come on, Ash. I'll show you around. You're gonna love the gym."
I'll tell you why Daring's house was so big: the gym took up half the house. No, I am not exaggerating that. The gymnasium she had made the one my high school had look tiny. The best part? Plenty of portal-compatible surfaces.
I stood agape just beyond the threshold, staring at the place.
"Pretty impressive, huh?" Daring said, "This is where I do my training in between quests. It's gotta be big for a pegasus so I can practice flying in here, too."
I blinked and shook my head. "Flying? Wouldn't you practice that outside?"
She chuckled. "Get a load of this." Trotting over to a wall, she opened a panel and flipped a switch inside.
All at once, the room was filled with a powerful gust of wind that didn't let up.
"I got the super fans installed so I can practice flying in harsh weather!" she shouted over the roaring fans.
"That's awesome!" I shouted back, "Can it do rain?"
"Rain, snow, even lightning!" she called, then turned off the fan, "Alfredo hates when I run those, though, so I mostly just use wind. I imagine you'll wanna play with your portal gun in here a lot, huh?"
I grinned. "Dare, portalling is only part of what I'm gonna do in here."
Alfredo came in and cleared his throat. "Master Ash, your room is ready. If you'll just follow me, we can get you settled in."
"Thank you," I said, "Be right back, Dare."
"OK, I'll be here when you get back."
I followed Alfredo down the hall and up the stairs. "Hey, Alfredo?"
"Yes, Master Ash?" he responded.
"Could you maybe just call me Ash?" I asked, "No offense, I'm just not used to the whole master thing."
"Of course, sir," the unicorn said with a nod, "It's simply protocol to begin formal when introduced to somepony new. Of course, if I am to address you as Ash, then I request you also address me as Alf, as Miss Do does."
"Deal," I said and held out a hand.
He put his hoof in my hand and shook it.
We came to my room on the second floor.
"Here you are, Ash," Alfredo said, opening the door with his sea foam green magic, "Your room. Please make yourself at home, and let me know if you'd like anything rearranged. I assure you, it's no imposition."
"Thanks, Alf," I said, stepping inside. I paused and turned back to him. "Say, Alf? I'm sorry if this is too personal, but where are Daring's family?"
Alfredo looked sullen. "I'm afraid my former employers, Daring's mother and father, passed away some time ago. It was a tragic accident. They were hosting a reception at the marina for visiting nobility, and a ship coming in to dock had lost control. The sailor had fallen asleep at the helm, and crashed his ship into the pier where the party was taking place." His face fell even more. "Daring's mother got her hoof caught between a pair of planks. Her husband tried to pull her out, but neither of them got out in time."
I felt sorry for Daring, and even worse for laughing at her similarity to Bruce Wayne. I didn't know what to say.
"She keeps up a brave face, you know," Alfredo continued, "Going out on her expeditions, doing dangerous things. I think it's her way of coping, so I've never opposed her." He took a breath. "I'll admit, she worries me to no end when she goes off adventuring, but it's who she is, and you can't change a pony when they don't suit you. Not that she hasn't tried a normal life herself; it just didn't work out for her."
"I'm sorry," I said, "I didn't mean to bring up bad memories."
"Not at all," said Alfredo, "They're good memories. Best years of my life, working for the Dos, helping them raise their little filly into a fine young mare. I'm sure her parents would be proud of all that she's accomplished, too."
I nodded. "Yeah, they would, wouldn't they?"
"Indeed, they would. Well, if that's all you require, I've duties to attend to. Just ring the bell if you need me."
"Thanks," I said, "Though, I might just take a nap. Lot of traveling lately. Thanks for everything."
"It was my pleasure," Alfredo said, and then left.
I closed the door, pulled my boots off, and then flopped onto the bed. It finally sunk in that I, too, would never see my parents again, nor anyone else I knew from my own world. Unable to take my mind off it, I gave in, and cried into my pillow.
An alarm clock went off next to me. I reached over, hit the snooze button, and groggily raised my head from my pillow. For a moment, I thought I was in my own room back home, but I quickly snapped out of that delusion upon noticing the fine and anything-but-plain furnishings around me.
I had fallen asleep the day before without even realizing it, and that meant I also slept through dinner. I felt like a jackass for skipping a meal, and wondered if either of my new pony friends thought less of me for it. Judging by the warm greeting I received that morning, I was wrong.
"Good morning, Ash," Alfredo said cheerfully, "I trust you slept well?"
"Uh-huh," I said, brushing my fingers through my hair, "What time is it?"
"About half passed eight," the unicorn replied, "I didn't know what humans eat, so I took the liberty of preparing a conventional Equestrian breakfast for you." He levitated a small platter under a silver dome and placed it on the side table. "Miss Do would like to know what your plans are for today."
"I dunno," I said, "I guess look around town and see if I can get myself a job."
"I can assure you, that won't be necessary," Alfredo said in a friendly but firm tone, "Miss Do and I have already discussed the events that preceded your arrival here, and what arrangements are to be made. You'll stay here as long as you like, and I will provide for anything you require, within reason, that is."
"Darn," I said, "I was hoping you'd give me the house." I giggled slightly.
Alfredo had a more reserved way of sharing the humor. "I might add that Miss Do is interested in having you accompany her on her next adventure."
"She wants me to tag along?" I asked incredulously, "Even after the disaster last time?"
Alfredo nodded. "Yes. She thinks you'll come in handy. I'm just glad she'll have somepony watching out for her while she's gone."
"Yeah." I stood up and looked myself over. "Uh, probably a dumb question, but you wouldn't happen to have any clothes for bipeds, would you?"
"I might be able to find something you can fit in," Alfredo said, inspecting my jump suit, "Is that some kind of work uniform you're wearing?"
"Ah, no, not really," I told him, "These are, um... testing clothes. For science."
"I see. And do humans wear clothes all the time?"
I nodded. "Yeah, see, we have very different anatomy than ponies."
"That goes without saying."
I chuckled. "Uh-huh. Well, our, um... well, let's just say, it's a better idea for us to not go around naked. Trust me, it's better for everyone."
Alfredo humphed. "I understand completely. I assume you'll want something casual that allows for mobility?"
"You read my mind," I said with a grin.
"Very well, I'll get on that," he said, "In the mean time, you'll just have to continue wearing that cologne and hope it sticks."
"Cologne?" I head tilted.
"The scent you're wearing," said Alfredo.
I sniffed myself. I smelled like an ordinary sweaty human. "I'm not wearing any cologne."
Alfredo stepped forward and gave me a sniff. "You mean to say that's your natural scent?"
I blushed a little. "Uh, yeah, you could say that."
The butler scoffed. "Well, sir, you are going to be very popular with the mares." He grinned and walked out.
I stared ahead blankly. Human sweat was a pleasant smell to ponies? Huh. Guess that meant I never needed to wear deodorant again. Smiling to myself, I sat on the bed, put the platter in my lap, and removed the lid to see what was for breakfast.
What I got was a vegetarian omelet, a side of oatmeal, orange juice in a bottle, and a slice of toast. The omelet had vegetables and chunks of tofu in it. Maybe it was just the airline food, but for vegetarian cooking, this stuff was excellent.
As I chewed on my eggs, I remembered an old song from my childhood, and started to sing it quietly to myself.
When I wake up, first thing I do, Eggs, Is to look around for something to chew, Eggs-actly!
Feeding myself is very, very tricky, Because, you see, I'm ridiculously picky! Eggs!
Finishing breakfast, I brought the platter downstairs with me and took it into the kitchen and put it in the sink.
"Oh, you didn't need to do that," Alfredo had told me, "I was going to fetch it from your room after you were done."
I told him I was used to doing it myself, having lived alone, but he wouldn't allow me to wash my own dishes, so instead I went up and took a shower. After that, I went back down (jumping off the stair case to the first floor) and met with Daring Do in the gym.
"About time you rejoined the land of the living," Daring jabbed as she swung by her forehooves on a pair of rings hanging from the ceiling.
"Huh?" I said dumbly, "Oh, yeah, uh, I... had jet lag."
"Ah, that's alright," said Daring, "I used to get it all the time. You're obviously a tender hoof when it comes to traveling." She shot a grin down at me. "I'm hoping we can fix that soon."
I smirked back. "Is that a challenge, little pony?"
Daring snickered and dropped to the ground. "So, wanna get some training in with me?"
"Um, actually, I was thinking about going out and seeing more of the town," I said, "I figure if I'm gonna be living her a while, I should familiarize myself with the place." I was being honest in my intentions, but not my motives. I still felt bad for laughing at Daring for her resemblance to Bruce Wayne, and to be honest, I also needed some time alone to clear my head. I might have been good at pretending nothing was bothering me, but that was just my coping mechanism. Sooner or later, I'd break down if I didn't walk it off.
"Oh," the pegasus said somewhat dejectedly, "That's cool, I guess. Think you'll be gone long?"
I shook my head. "Nah. If I do take too long, I can get back in an instant."
Daring glanced at my portal gun and smiled. "Right, of course you can. Well then, have fun out there."
I waved at her as I headed for the door. "You too. See ya in a few."
Baltimare had everything I'd come to expect from it, given my first impression when I flew over it, but at the same time, it had things I hadn't expected at all. There were busy streets and markets with hundreds of ponies going about their daily business. In place of cars, there were ponies pulling carts, some of them even having pony passengers in them. Despite them obviously being a taxi service, I couldn't help but laugh at the irony of a horse-drawn buggy giving rides to a horse.
What really surprised me was that even though almost everyone here was some variation of equine, there were other creatures I never expected to get along with them. I saw at least three gryphons, one minotaur, and a pair of bipedal dogs walking through town like nothing was out of the ordinary. It was no wonder the ponies weren't staring at me; they were already well aware of bipeds, and clearly had no problem getting along with them.
My sight seeing tour was cut short by the sound of somepony calling out to me.
"Excuse me! Tall sir!"
I looked over and saw a light blue mare with a curly darker blue mane waving at me.
"Yes?" I asked as I approached her.
"I'm very sorry to ask this, but are you, by any chance, a good climber?" She sounded worried, so I figured she had a good reason for asking.
"Yeah, sure," I answered, "Why?"
She rubbed her forehead. "Ugh, this is so embarrassing. My boyfriend and I had a fight, and then we broke up just now. He grabbed my purse and flew up there with it." She pointed to the top of the building beside her. "Then he left it up there and told me to get it myself. But I'm just an earth pony! I can't fly!"
I took a look at the wall. The windows were spaced too far apart for me to use them as handholds, and the drain pipe looked a little too precarious; there was no way I could climb this thing. But on the other hand, maybe I didn't need to climb.
"I have an idea, ma'am," I said, "But I'll need you to stand back."
"Oh, um, OK." The pony nervously stepped out of the way.
I held up my portal gun and took aim. Flinging myself onto a roof would be impossible unless I found a higher point than this, so I selected a taller building across the street and put my orange portal on it, then put the blue one on the wall beside me.
The blue mare gasped and looked on with piqued curiousity.
"Stand back," I warned again, and stood in the portal, looking down at the street that was now several stories below me. I waited for the street below me to be clear, then put my blue portal on the ground under me.
The way the portal push mechanic worked depended on the center of gravity of the object intersecting the portal. If the portal closed, you were pushed out to the side you were most on, while if one was moved, the part of you that didn't have its center of gravity in it would move with it, provided that one was moving. If the one your center was on moved, you'd be ejected from the portal.
What I had done caused my back to be on the ground now, and gravity was now pushing me forward. I shot my orange portal back where I started on the ground as soon as I was clear, and fell down into the blue one, launching myself up into the sky. Using the boots to steer my fall, I landed on the roof and hit the reset button.
The mare's purse was hanging on an air vent. It was dirty, but intact. I grabbed it and leapt off the roof, doing a somersault before landing safely on my feet. I handed the purse back to the mare, who was estatic.
"Oh my gosh! Thank you so much!" She grabbed it and put it over her shoulder. "Oh, you are so wonderful, I could kiss you!"
I couldn't help but blush. "Heh, it was nothing, ma'am."
"It was everything to me!" Without warning, she reared up and pulled me into a tight hug. "Thank you so, so much!"
I stood silently, not sure how to react to the sudden affection. Was this normal for ponies, or was she just really friendly?
The mare suddenly let go of me and, somehow, blushed through her coat. "Oh, I'm sorry. How rude of me! I'm Blueberry Turnover." She held up a hoof to me.
I shook it. "Ash Pod."
She smiled and nodded. "Again, thank you. I'll be sure and tell my friends about you!"
I chuckled. "Ah, that's alright. Really, I had fun doing it."
Blueberry giggled. "Well, still, it means a lot fo me. By the way, are you new in town?"
I nodded. "Yeah, I'm staying with a friend of mine for now."
"OK," Blueberry said, "Hope I get to see you again sometime. Take care."
"You too." I watched her leave and then looked up at the sun. It was well into the afternoon now. Had I really been walking around that long?
"I should probably head back," I said to no one in particular, "I wonder what Daring's been up to all day?"
The train burst into flames as it sped forward through the cold Appleloosian mountains. On the third car from the engine, Daring Do held on for dear life, her hooves braced against the walk handles on the roof. She slowly made her way to the front car, then trudged through the coal and jumped into the engineer's cabin. The engine was completely unmared, flames billowing from the coal intake.
She took the shovel and wedged it into the broken door frame so the flat head was blocking the flames, allowing her safe passage to the controls. She grabbed hold of the choke lever and pulled it as far as it would go, shutting off all the vents. The flames began to die down as their supply of oxygen was cut off, and the train stopped accelerating, now going at a steady, but still rapid pace.
Twenty seven...
They were coming out of the mountains right now, the town of Appleloosa before them. Daring pulled the brakes, the wheels beginning to screech so loud, Daring winced, but dared not cover her ears so she could turn and run back down the train.
On the last car, just in front of the caboose, she saw her mark about to jump. The portly stallion grinned at her, holding the set of obsidian horseshoes that he slipped into his saddle bag.
"Thanks for the ride, Daring Do, but this is my stop!" he shouted, then leaped off the train into a waiting wagon.
Twenty eight...
"Oh, no you don't!" Daring called back, unfurling her wings and flying towards them, landing squarely beside her opponent.
"You don't really think you can stop me this time, do you?" the stallion said, then turned to buck at her.
Daring dodged to one side, nearly falling onto the rapidly-spinning wheel behind her. She regained her balance and took a swipe at him, knocking his hat off.
Twenty nine...
"Those belong in a museum!" Daring shouted and lunged.
The rival treasure hunter took this opportunity to roll over and kick upward, causing Daring to tumble over the side and roll several times across the ground before crashing into a rock.
"Looks like the museum will have to settle for iron shoes!" the stallion said and cockily laughed as his wagon pullers sped up and literally left Daring Do in the dust outside of Appleloosa.
Thirty...
Coming out of her flash back, Daring pushed up with all four limbs at once against the weight on top of her, sweat leaving trails as it rolled along her face. The heavy iron block pushed down on her relentlessly, and just as hard, she pushed back, moving the heavy mass up and down, her muscles burning intensely under its weight.
Alfredo entered the gymnasium and raised an eyebrow at his employer's training.
"Mistress Do," he said in a prim tone, "A Mr. Mahogany Cane here to see you."
"Tell him I'll be right out," Daring grunted, huffing as she pushed up once more.
Alfredo nodded. "Yes, ma'am. And if I may, Miss Do, I would do my push-ups right-side-up."
Daring looked down, or rather up, at her hind legs in the air with the iron weight on them, her forelegs holding her over the mat. She chuckled and threw the training block onto the floor, leaving a big dent as it landed. Alfredo winced inside, and left to inform their guest that she would be out shortly, and then flipped through the phone book for a carpenter.
Daring Do got herself cleaned up and presentable, then went into the study of her mansion where Alfredo was serving their guest tea.
"Sorry for the wait," Daring said, taking a seat across from Mahogany Cane, "That'll be all, Alfredo. Thank you."
Alfredo nodded and took his leave of them.
Mahogany carried with him a cane of the same material for which he was named, an identical cutie mark was visible under the trail of his black tailcoat. His coat was a similar, yet lighter brown, and his mane and tail were stark black.
"So, what can I do ya for?" Daring asked, lounging on the sofa.
"Getting right to business, are we Miss Do?" Mahogany asked, "Very well. My name is Mahogany Cane, and I am here with a business proposition. I would like for you to acquire a particular item for me."
The orange pegasus scoffed. "Huh! Tell me something I don't know."
Mr. Cane tried to ignore her overly-casual attitude. "You see, my family has been in the business of making fancy canes for quite a while, and frankly, I've grown quite bored of it. Therefore, I have decided to instead start a museum, however, the banks will not back me without an exhibit of considerable worth to make them confident in the museum's chances of succeeding."
"What about your cane business?" Daring asked, raising an eyebrow.
"Ponies don't care much for plain wooden canes," Mahogany stated flatly, "The highest demand seems to be in amber-topped canes, and I'm afraid our competitors have a monopoly in that field. Even in Canterlot, nopony is interested in what I have to sell."
Daring yawned and waved a hoof. "Yeah, yeah, so you wanna switch jobs. Get to the part about my job. That's what you're here for, right?"
Mahogany sighed with exasperation. "Right, well, the item I would like for you to retrieve is called the Philosoraptor's Stone."
Daring perked up her ears and opened her eyes fully. "The filler wrapper what's it?"
"Philosoraptor's Stone," Mahogany corrected, "A long lost tablet believed to carry the wisdom of the ancient Philosoraptor inscribed on its surface. The Philosoraptor was a dinosaur of profound knowledge, and had written many texts in his time."
"And obviously he's not around anymore," Daring said, her tone bluntly indicating how bored she was, "You got a lead on this stone, or am I supposed to search the planet going on nothing?"
"Of course I have a lead. Who do you take me for?" Mahogany picked up his briefcase, flicked the locks up, and opened it. He took out a manila folder and dropped it on the coffee table.
Daring flipped it open and looked at the map inside. "The crystal mountains? Not exactly what I had in mind."
Mahogany chuckled at her. "What's the matter? A pegasus who's afraid of heights?"
"Not at all," Daring shook her head, "Just not used to cold places. But it's no biggie. So," she sat back and crossed her hind legs, "let's talk about the fee."
I stepped into Do Manor, dropped my gun, and kicked off my boots, sighing as I did.
"So what've you been up to?" Daring asked me with a hint of smugness in her voice.
I smirked and made my voice sound raspy. "I had a hell of a day, Daring! I sank their battle ships... and their whales!"
She cocked her head at me.
I chuckled back at her. "Human joke, Dare. Mostly just went around and did some portal-related favors. Helped move in a couch, retrieved a purse, got a foal out of a tree. That last one was rather cute, heheh."
Daring smiled. "Well, glad to see you're making a good impression on ponies. But I just got us a contract, so playtime's over."
I raised an eyebrow. "A contract? For what?"
"Ever heard of the Philosoraptor's Stone?"
I couldn't keep a straight face. I doubled over and burst out laughing, holding my sides which were riddled with stitches. "You're-you're not serious, are you?! The Philosoraptor?!" I laughed some more and wiped my eye. "Oh, yeah, I've heard of him. 'I love food, but does food love me?' That guy, right? Holy crap, how do you have him in this world?"
Daring blinked in surprised. "You really have heard of him? How?"
I fought to calm down and catch my breath. "We have him on my world, too. But he's just a joke there. I can't believe you guys actually have that here, and that he's got relics!"
Daring looked seriously confused. "I don't get it. How could he be in two worlds? That makes no sense."
"Hey, we have the same animals, and things I thought were myth back home are real here," I said, "I don't see what's so surprising. Of course, I've been debating whether or not I'm even really on another planet, anyway."
Daring became even more confused. "How could you not be on another planet?" she asked, "You said yourself, you made a portal from another world."
"I know I said that," I tried to explain, "But what if I'm wrong? What if something happened with the portal beam that caused it to break into another universe and hit the same world?"
The poor mare looked like her head was going to pop.
"Look," I went on, "Aperture Science was working on a machine that could go into alternate universes so that they could use test chambers from other versions of Earth. You said this planet's name was Earth, too. Now, suppose all this messing with the multiverse created a rift in space, and my portal beam went through that rift and hit another Earth on the other side?"
Daring's eyes widened a bit. "So you're saying this Earth is the same as your Earth, just in a parallel universe?"
I nodded. "I looked at a map of Equestria, and not only did many of your major cities have similar names to mine, but the placement of some of them matched locations in my world. Equestria alone nearly mirrors the layout of America."
"But wait," Daring asked, "Why are you telling me all this?"
"Because it occured to me that if the rift led to this world, then this place must have its own Aperture, or something close to it. And if it does, then maybe I could reach my own world again."
Daring tapped a hoof to her chin and hmmed. "Well, the most scientific place I know of is the Canterlot Institute of Everything."
I grinned. "Everything, huh?"
"Yeah," she said with a nod, "They cover all academic fields. Magic, science, history, you name it. In fact, they've asked me to retrieve a few artifacts in the past."
"So if we get a contract from them, I might get a chance to ask about Aperture." I nodded pensively. "Well, that takes a load off my mind. So then, where's our current one taking us?"
"The crystal mountains, way up north," said Daring, "It gets really cold there, so I think we should take the train." She pulled a map out of her pocket and set it down on a table, pointing out a route. "We'll take the train here to the northern town of Stalliongrad. We'll pick up the supplies we need there, and then we'll go on hoof up the mountains."
"Assuming the surface tolerance on my portal gun can handle it, I could save us quite a bit of walking up those mountains," I said, "I was able to use it on the plateaus back home, so I know it doesn't need perfectly flat surfaces."
"Sounds good," said Daring, then pointed to a rather jagged-looking mountain range, "The cave where the stone is hidden is said to be around here, in the Dragon's Spine. The weather there will likely be the most treacherous, so be careful, OK?"
I nodded. "Got it."
"Good." Daring rolled up the map with surprising dexterity, and stuffed it back into her shirt pocket. "I'm gonna go buy our train tickets. Do what you gotta do here, then meet me there in an hour."
With that, the pegasus turned and left the manor. I took the opportunity to give my portal gun and my long fall boots a quick clean up and inspected them for any possible damage; I needed my gear in top condition for this expedition.
Wow, a real expedition, with a real archaeologist, searching for a real, long sought relic. I trembled with excitement at the thought. If I ever got home, I'd have a heck of a story to tell everyone, and hopefully I'd still have my portal gun as proof.
I felt a tap on my shoulder, and turned to see Alfredo behind me.
"So," he said, setting his jaw, "I guess you two will be setting off now?"
"Yeah," I said, "Will you be alright here by yourself?"
The unicorn chuckled dryly. "Oh, don't worry abouf me, Ash, I'll be quite alright." He turned sullen. "It's Daring I worry about. Every time she goes out on one of her excursions, I'm always afraid it'll be the last time I ever see her."
I half smiled and put a hand on his shoulder. "Hey, don't worry. I'll be there to watch her back."
Alf's expression rose a little. "I'm glad she'll have somepony looking after her. Just promise me you'll do your best for her. For me."
"I promise." How could I not? After all they'd been through together, I could tell he saw Daring as a daughter. How heartbroken he'd be if she never came back, I couldn't stand to let that happen.
"You're a good person, Ash," he said.
I think I blushed a little. "You can thank my dad for that. He always told me it was my responsibility to help anyone I can. So don't worry. I'll never abandon Daring."
"Thank you." If I didn't know any better, I'd swear I saw a tear welling up in Alf's eye.
"You're welcome." I slipped on my boots and locked them in place. "I'd better get going. Dare's probably waiting for me."
"Oh, that's right! I wanted to give you this." He levitated a backpack with lots of pockets up to me. "I figured Daring would decide to use you as a pack mule, so you'll be needing this."
His magic glow disappeared as I grabbed the bag, revealing it's color to be the same green as my jumpsuit, albeit a shade darker.
"Wow, thanks," I said, slipping it on. I found one of the straps worked well for holding my portal gun. "I'll take good care of it, and Daring."
"I'm sure you will," he said, smiling up at me, "Now you better run along. It's rude to keep a lady waiting."
"Got it," I replied, and headed for the door, "We'll be back as soon as we get that stone! Count on it!" I know it was corny, but I figured it would help reassure him. At least I didn't say "believe it."
I closed the door behind me, then took a deep breath of the salty ocean air. My adventure was just beginning.
When I reached the train station, I found Daring Do waiting for me. She looked upset about something, more so when she noticed me.
"Where have you been? Our train's leaving in five minutes!" she scolded me.
"Sheesh, sorry, Dare," I replied, "I got turned around on Bridle Street, had to go around the library."
Daring rolled her eyes. "You'd think a guy with a portal gun could just jump here."
I scowled. "It's not that simple. I need to see the place, remember? And this town is full of tall buildings. I didn't have time to go climbing, and I didn't want a portal linking a roof and a street in case somepony stepped through it."
The pegasus sighed. "Alright, fine, I understand. Still, that's not what's bothering me. There was a land slide on the direct route I wanted to take, so we have to board another train to go around." She bit her lip, looked both ways, then stepped closer to me and spoke more quietly. "We have to go through Ponyville."
I tilted my head. "Ponyville? I think I saw that place on the map. Who came up with that name, anyway?"
Daring shrugged. "I don't know, but I've heard stories about that place, and too many similar ones for them to be mere coincidence. Even before the Nightmare Moon crisis, that place has been... strange."
"How strange?" I had to ask.
Daring actually looked genuinely nervous. "I hear most of the ponies in that town are insane. They break out into song at random, and I'm not talking a few friends singing or anything like that. I mean giant stage musical songs."
I laughed. "Right, that's funny. Tell me another one."
Her expression didn't change.
I blinked. "Wait, you're serious? What else goes on there?!"
"Rumor has it that when the spirit of chaos, Discord, broke out of his statue, he made Ponyville the chaos capital of the world. And several ponies from that town were at last year's Grand Galloping Gala, and they destroyed the place! I saw it with my own eyes!"
I put my hands on my hips. "Gee, Dare, you don't strike me as the gala type."
She scoffed. "I was only there for the free food, maybe see if I could get a contract, too. But back on topic, even more weird stuff has happened there. They've had numerous attacks from all kinds of beasts, and that's only made worse by the town being right next to the Everfree Forest, a place filled with all kinds of wild monsters. The worst part is, though, that it's impossible to keep a low profile. I've heard numerous accounts that anypony new in town has a party thrown for them, whether they're staying or not."
Now I was feeling uneasy. "They really do that? Like, for everyone?"
Daring nodded without even a hint of irony in her gesture.
I gulped. "We don't have to switch trains there, do we?"
She shook her head. "Thank Celestia, no. The line turns north towards Canterlot, but we'll be passing that by. Should take us all the way to Stalliongrad."
I heaved a sigh of relief. "Phew. Good. I've had enough weirdness for a lifetime just coming to this world."
"All aboard who's coming aboard!" the platform conductor called.
"That's our cue!" said Daring, waving a hoof at me to follow her, "Come on!"
We boarded the train and found ourselves some seats towards the back car just before the train began to build up steam and pull out of the station. I decided, more for my own sake, honestly, to change the subject.
"So, Daring? What are the crystal mountains like?" I asked.
"Cold," she replied, "So cold, in fact, that the Crystal Empire has to have a giant forcefield around it just to keep everypony from freezing to death."
"And we're just gonna go hiking through it in search of some ruins or caves or something?"
"Yup," she replied flatly.
I stared at her for a moment. "Are you from Ponyville?"
We both laughed at that.
"So what's the plan once we find these ruins?" I asked, "I take it such a valuable relic wouldn't just be lying out in the open for anypony to find, otherwise they wouldn't have waited for you to come along. Is there any information on what we might find inside?"
Daring shook her head. "This isn't the first time I've gone into a temple or a dungeon that nopony had mapped out before. But that's where the fun is: getting to be the first to see that stuff. Of course, the biggest rule of hoof is this: if you see something pretty or shiny that isn't what we're looking for, don't touch it. Odds are, it's a trap."
"I knew that," I said indignantly.
A while later, the train pulled into the aforementioned hamlet of insanity. Daring and I tensed up as a few passengers boarded the train, but from their confused and somewhat frightened expressions, I got the feeling they weren't locals. I took a peek out the window (we had our curtains down, per Daring's insistence) and saw somepony who just struck me as downright weird.
"Hey Daring?" I said, nudging her with my elbow.
"Hm?" She looked at me.
"What kind of pony looks like a black insect? Do they got bug pegasi or something?"
Daring jumped up and looked out the window. "That's a changeling! What's a changeling doing out in the open like that?!"
"Oh, that guy?" an earth stallion nearby said, "Weird story there. Apparently, that changeling lost his mind and thinks he's a pony now, or something. I heard the librarian keeps him around as some kind of pet."
Daring and I exchanged a worried glance, then sat back in our seats.
The pegasus leaned over to me and whispered, "See? I told you that place was weird."
"Mhmm." I nodded and stared ahead blankly as the train continued on.
A few hours later, I awoke from my nap and groggily looked around before standing up and stepping out onto the frozen platform. Stalliongrad wasn't exactly what I was expecting when we got there. If you've ever played Oblivion, I'd say the place looked like the city of Bruma, but a bit bigger and no wall going all the way around. It was a nice town, sure, but it was so far north that the foot of the crystal mountains were only a few minutes walk away from us. Being so close, the place was constantly being dusted by snow blowing down from the north.
I gripped my portal gun, feeling adrenaline slowly building up in me. We were so close to the place we were looking for, yet so far away. Once we got ourselves tacked up (pun intended) we would be off into the wilderness.
Stepping into the snow, I felt a chill run up my leg. Clearly, long fall boots were not intended to be used in the cold as the open front was letting the wind and ice chill right through my socks. This was gonna suck.
Daring seemed to notice my legs shaking. "We're gonna need to get you some heavy winter socks. Let's see... we'll also need a thermal tent, MREs, crank lamps, among the usual camping gear. You good at heavy lifting?"
"If we can fit it all in a crate, I can carry it with the portal gun," I said, and levitated a stone off the ground with the zero pointer to demonstrate, "My biggest concern is staying warm."
Daring looked slightly impressed. "That thing got a weight limit?"
"I dunno," I said, "Hold still." I pointed it at her and used it to lift her up. "Well, the good news is it can hold a pony's weight."
"H-hey! Put me down!" she demanded.
I chuckled and let her go. "Sorry, dare. Didn't hurt, did it?"
"No," she said, "But that felt weird. Almost like magic, but more tingly." She shivered and brushed the snow that was collecting on her back off. "Anyway, we can stock up enough if that thing can carry that much. How did it feel for you?"
"Weightless," I said, "The gun doesn't feel any heavier when I pick something up with it."
"Good," said Daring, "So we can carry some stuff on ourselves, too. Yeah, we'll definitely have enough supplies to last us a while. And from these mountains, you should easily be able to portal us out if we get lost or run out of food."
"Yeah," I said, and then something occured to me, "Hold on." I shot the ground where the snow was, and nothing appeared. Then I shot the road where the snow was thin enough to see the ground, and the blue oval showed up. "Cah-rap, I was afraid of that."
"What?" the pegasus asked.
"The beam is diffused by water. Here, the heavy snow is dense enough to short it out, too. This gun's not gonna be much good for transportation."
Daring frowned. "That sucks. Well, I've roughed it before. Be thankful we can at least carry extra stuff. But!" She held up her hoof in front of me. "Number one rule of traveling in the crystal mountains: never eat outside the tent. If a yeti smells the food, we're in deep trouble."
My eyes widened. "You have real yetis in this world? Crap. Any chance they're friendly?"
She shook her head. "They're dumb as rocks, but if they find out you have food, they'll fight you tooth and claw until they have everything you've got. You'll be lucky if they don't eat you, too."
I curiously looked at my gun. "I wonder if this thing can cause permanent blindness if you shoot someone in the face..."
Daring sighed. "No point worrying about that now. Come on, we're wasting time."
We went through a couple stores and bought what we needed. Daring picked out the camping gear and food while I got us a crate and climbing utilities. Getting equipped with everything we needed on us and loading the rest into the box, it was time to begin our trek through the mountains.
I only hoped we'd make it back in one piece, and if we got into trouble, that I'd be able to portal us out of there.