It's the week before Hearth's Warming, and Rarity and Gilda are being sent to Ponyville. But their mission involves less holiday cheer and more "buy the entire place, then bulldoze it to secure a promotion". Applejack of course has a few (impolite) things to say about this plan, even if she can't quite will herself to hate the unicorn in the expensive dress. And Rarity and Gilda are not the only ones with an agenda...
Modern AU, anthro, Rarity/Applejack, Gilda/Rainbow Dash, Twilight/Trixie. T-rated "Sex" tag for later.
Welcome to the Secret Big Project I occasionally teased on Tumblr, everybody!
I have been working on this fic since late January... *checks notes* ...2020. I accidentally set off my plotbunny army during one of Earthsong's streams, and it has quickly become my "Lockdown is happening, time has no meaning anymore, let's be silly to not lose my mind!" fic. So... yeah, enjoy some romcom shenanigans where Rarity exploits tax loopholes, Twilight owns a tank an armored reconnaissance vehicle, and Trixie has watched far too many Fast & Furious movies.
Now with the proper cover by Earthsong9405! Shower her with love because she did an AMAZING job!
Seize.
Alright, let's see where this goes.
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Good catch, thanks!
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Happy to help.
Great characterization, breakneck energy, and pacing. I feel exhausted just keeping up with everything, but in a good way. Looking forward to more.
Interesting, hope you post more chapters :)
Another fun chapter. I can't say I was expecting Twilight and Trixie to already be married, I was expecting them to fall for each other somehow, but that wouldn't really fit the insane pace of everything in this story would it? Also did you really commissions two covers for this? I sorta liked the other one a bit more, but they're both great and this one probably gives a better feel for the whole story. Anyway thanks!
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Yeah, I have a lot of ground to cover, and having Twi happily married from the get-go opened up a lot for me.
And no, I only commissioned one cover, but 2021 had thrown several roadblocks in Earthsong's way, so it was delayed. The other piece was part of a set of character commissions I got nearly a year ago from Earth to (1) get a better visual grasp for them and their dress styles and (2) solidify the massive gap between business success and a disappointing private life that both Rarity and Gilda experience. You can check out the sets here: https://sta.sh/2x9it1fz33 I absolutely agree that the Rarity magazine cover is amazing, and I'm happy I got a chance to showcase it for a month, but this story isn't solely about Rarity, so the poster cover makes more sense.
I see what Twilight means by withholding information until it's funny.
This setting is a treat, just the right mix of absurdity and contemporary reality to just hit my funny bone.
As a car buff, I think you have the right idea regarding writing cars. Majority of readers won't understand or appreciate a bunch of technical talk, and then adding in personal tastes and favorites you are asking for car nerds (if there are any) to argue in the comments. To me, what you have is some good fun with the magic wifeys burning rubber faffing about legally drifting together on someone else's dime on public roads. Since neither Rarity nor Gilda know anything about driving neither can call them out on not taking the race seriously. Sliding around looks cool, but is actually the slow way around corners, but very fun.
I autocross at least once a month during the warmer months, which is the cheapest racing you can get since it's courses made of cones and you work on the 'track' putting them back when you aren't racing. Since I drive a sedan I normally have to work the course when the Corvettes and Mustangs have their turn. Mustangs aren't bad, especially the newer ones since they finally got rid of the relic solid rear axles, but they are hefty girls. You get off your rhythm in some back and forth corner transitions and the weight will send them spinning ass first, I had to jump back out of ones way last year. Corvettes are the poor mans supercar, but are still a supercar. They wallow about if driven timidly, but will stick tight if you keep it aggressive. They sometimes look slow because there is so little drama, no squealing tires or body roll, but are very fast. They just make it look easy when a good driver takes them around. Often they would be the fastest cars of the day, getting better times than cars more than double their price. Basically, the only time the Mustang wins are if the roads are too rough for the Corvette to actually drive at full speed or is being driven by a novice. Skill trumps car all the time.
Now I'm sure that was all gibberish, and I was trying to be understandable. And as an army vet, you're right the LAV isn't a tank, more an up-gunned Infantry Fighting Vehicle (IFV) that really likes to roll over onto its back if you don't drive carefully. But we aren't living in the real world so Twi can have her fun.
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Thank you for the in-depth comment and for sharing your thoughts! I absolutely love the phrase "magic wifeys" and might have to steal it for later.
I had a hunch that drifting is more of a Cool Thing than an Efficient Thing... and then indeed decided that it's what's more fun to read/write and is something Twi and Trixie would enjoy. And yeah, when you can use company money to block off parts of the city, you might as well go wild.
The car talk actually didn't lose me... ignoring that aside about axles. So kudos on that front!
The part about the LAV rolling over sounds seriously freaky, though. I would have expected more from military vehicles.
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I imagine 'magic wifeys' being Gilda's preferred name for them once she finds out. Seems too crass for Rarity.
Glad to know I can explain car concepts simply. Most of my friends aren't car people so I sometimes have to explain why my car is in pieces to them.
Everyone thinks military means the best, but all the stuff is made by the lowest bidder.
A lot of the not-tanks made to deal with the war on terror, the various mine-resistant wheeled vehicles, evolved to work in an asymmetric fight. Like an animal on a little island with no predators. There is one thing that can hurt it but if it goes slow and careful it'll probably be fine. So it doesn't compete well against anything that might try to kill it in an actual war, like real tanks or aircraft.
I beg your pardon?
... Is that Astrotrain?
Oh my god it is.
Oh my god, she wasn't joking.
Wait a minute, AGAIN?
I get the feeling Twilight has a thing she's getting to.
Oh boy.
There are?
Yeah.
... I have questions.
She would.
I'd love to know how that works given that it'll take her half the time it'll take you by your math.
Given her explosion earlier, no.
Oh boy.
Thomas the- is she talking about Astrotrain or an actual Thomas The Tank Engine who's also a Decepticon?
There's so many layers to this.
Which I find very worrying.
Oh boy.
I personally find that EXTREMELY worrying.
And compromise her own entertainment?
... Pardon fuck?
That's why Astrotrain was around.
She knows about the- Of course she does.
Gotta love moments like this.
You smug motherfucker.
Oh my god.
Damn.
Um.
I mean, I do generally like this and I look forward to whatever shenanigans await in Ponyville, but … well, if ever something needed to be explained in your A/N, the apparently plot-crucial presence of Transformers in this not-marked-as-a-crossover fic is probably it. Cuz that’s a lot of “wait what am I reading” moments I just went through.
Also,
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Your first few reactions were clearly taken straight from my head as I was reading this.
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Ahhhh, this fic may not get me the most comments ever, but the comments I do get are so worth it.
Case in point. XD
The former - I really like having my characters coming up with oddball nicknames and descriptors on the fly. Those Skyrim memes where modders replaced dragons with Thomas The Tank Engine totally factored into this.
He prolly lost a bet, considering how esp. Twilight and Rarity seem to have a problem with those.
Which opens up the frightening prospect of a universe where this Twilight Sparkle is indebted to the Decepticons.
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Ehhh, Astrotrain's more of a crazy cameo. I did briefly consider tagging it as a Crossover, but it would have felt like false advertising, considering that the tags are more for central or notable themes in a fic. He is an important part of Twilight's insane scheme, but he just has one line of dialogue, most of his activities happen off-screen, and he is more of a highly amusing one-shot plot device. No Transformers in Ponyville, I'm afraid.
Because Mayor Mare fought them off back in the war and declared Ponyville to be neutral territory.(Just kidding.Probably.)Love the story thus far :)
When the next chapter will be posted btw?
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Thank you! The original plan had been weeks ago, but it had been a busy time, so I'm hoping for this weekend.
Why isn't there an anthro tag?
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Excellent question. I must've overlooked it while creating the story. Added.
Well that was a quick turnaround from “So AJ’s a complete psycho, huh” to “So AJ loses her brains when she simps, huh”.
Honestly, fair.
You won't.
I love Twilight Snarkle.
GIven it's Astrotrain, low.
Honestly, fair.
It's a farm. Not sure how much that'll stack up to your usual standards.
Naturally.
It IS a farm.
I've been there.
About that...
He's a very multitalented stallion.
Yep.
I love their dynamic.
Freakin' RIP.
This has ALL kinds of implications.
Just about. Not sure what kind of axe you have that you think it would phase Astrotrain, but...
You never know.
This, is a surprisingly human, for lack of a better term, reaction from Twilight.
Agreed.
Yes, but you didn't intend to hit her with the briefcase.
Yeah, probably.
Good question.
I mean, they literally are built different. The physics in Equestria are decidedly not the same as ours.
Ok, that prompt has me intrigued.
Ah. That's, not great.
It's cute you think Gilda could kill Twilight.
Mood.
I could easily believe either.
... You're not kidding.
She's definitely unharmed, which is good, or else Gilda might look a little, deader.
Be glad you didn't say that to Twilight's face.
... I don't like that you're probably serious.
Very?
This is going to go poorly for you, Gilda.
... You have disturbingly fast reflexes.
Given this is Equestria, she's not wrong.
Oh boy.
She forgot the money.
I mean, yeah.
She has a family. She is rich beyond measure. Can you say the same?
... I mean, yeah, that's not an unfair point.
I, kinda LIKE this Gilda. She's smarter than she lets on.
I mean, yeah, fair. She 100% would. Sleep dep does NOT lead to smart choices.
You know what? I want to see that too.
I can see saying that cleaver beats clever, but, she has natural weapons, she has no need for a cleaver.
It's cool, things happen.
I guess I have to wait another 5 months for the next update, I crave more of this story
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The much more fascinating question would be who would be on her doorstep if she did.
The fic is crazy enough that "Twilight carries a rocket launcher in her purse" may in fact be a thing, and I find that utterly delightful.
Canon Pinkie could prolly pull this off as well - she just chose to use her powers for comedy.
Thank you! This might as well be the tagline of this fic. The best part is that Rarity knows the answer, at least on some level. She just doesn't want to think about it too hard.
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I stole the line from a Paragon, of course it's a good line. A well written Paragon is a good line dispenser.
I'm a bit caught out by Tia coming off as such a bad guy here, but other than that I'm enjoying this so far. About to hop on the next chapter.
Awesome. Can't wait for the next!
Cool story. Added to read list. Looking forward to seeing more.
Like the artwork
Love the Trixie Twilight dynamic. Also need art of Twilight in her magician outfit. Looking forward to more!
I actually really like this moment. Rarity doesn't like her, but she's not heartless.
Which is nice.
That's rough, buddy.
Simply put, yes.
That'd be how she pulls things from her cape. Useful.
I mean, makes sense. Magic is a form of energy, you gotta burn calories for it.
Logic checks out. You can't spend energy you don't have.
So, you're going to give her a boost, from over a good few hundred kilometers away?
Heh.
Both?
I mean, that's not, an unfair point?
I got nothing. This is just funny.
I, don't get it.
I love visual gags.
Hello, Ditzy.
Ah. That makes sense.
Acceptable.
She's trying very hard.
Nah. She's not that mean. Right?
... Huh. Interesting.
Easy. I gave her a copy of the script.
You're welcome to try.
I have no doubt that IF she wanted to, Gilda could seriously injure or outright kill Rarity or Twilight. But, it's telling of her sapience and patience that she's willing to see where this goes.
Presumably to make the process more efficient.
Probably.
How strenuous IS the stunt you're about to pull?
Oh my.
This is some Who's On First shit, you realize.
My god this is Who's On First.
Of course that's a thing.
... She's great. Best horse.
And that is why she is Best Horse.
I can imagine.
Loopholes!
I'm with Gilda on this one. There's no telling what will happen if this process is interrupted halfway.
Huh, interesting.
I, I got nothing. That's impressive.
Yep. It's telling of how big her reserves are that she could pull this off in the first place.
Yes.
Of course.
Heh!
Not unfair.
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Thanks! Trixie is a lot of fun to write.
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Fun fact: While the dynamic between Twilight and Trixie had been planned in advance, the dynamic between Gilda and Rarity evolved throughout these chapters and will continue to do so for the next few.
AU or not, she's still Celestia. But she worked hard to establish a certain reputation.
Fiend!
I 100% made myself giggle while writing that part.
An update so early!? This is quite unexpected
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It mostly just costs time and nerves to edit them.
I wanted to do more than one update during the actual Hearth's Warming season, and I'm actually still more or less sitting on backlog from when I started posting.
Not an unfair point.
I'm sure you could.
Both.
Fair enough.
Not sure I believe that.
... This is a terrible idea.
He didn't.
Exactly.
He 100% was.
Speak softly and carry a big stick.
You realize, even if it's filled with blanks, a blast from THIS range would still hurt.
Ouch. True, but ouch.
Damn.
Damn.
Which IS interesting.
Interesting.
This is gonna be fun.
She's holding back.
Yes.
Fair.
... Huh?
Very.
Nah, just an anti-tank rifle.
Huh, upgrade.
Played Gilda like a fiddle.
Good golly gosh, I need more of this story! Can't wait to see what happens next.
Reread. Still fun as ever. Look forward to seeing more. Thanks for your work!
Amazing. Show stopping. 10/10
The sense of humor is impeccable, please bring me more. Looking forward for the next holiday season (because any update is gonna make me feel like heart's warming came in early)
Also omg your take on literally every character is a joy. also ASTROTRAIN?? I'm in love with this story. Also also, can't wait for the next "witholding information until it becomes funny" voucher. Also also also I love the way you set up these larger than life images of people that are actually like that which is a joy, but also break it down because they're still people which is another joy. Except Celestia cuz she's built different, if course (also I like the detail that she like. Could've just bought the space next to the village. But decided that she wanted to live in a funny timeline, not an effective timeline)
ALSO also also also. Twixie <3
Is this cancelled?