- Member Since 9th Jul, 2021
- offline last seen 18 minutes ago
Axolotl222
Catch me inbetween hyperfixations
Axolotl222
Joined 9th Jul, 2021 ·
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Good stuff
Some spelling mistakes tho
11094604
Mind pointing them out so I could fix them?
A short and simple read that made me smile here and there. It flowed rather nicely, and the characters felt like themselves as well.
As 11094604 pointed out, there are some technical issues, not only in spelling and grammar, but also in punctuation and consistency. I'll point out the recurring ones here, and I'll PM you the rest shortly after finishing this comment.
A most noticeable issue that may seem small, but might actually turn away a lot of potential readers--a shame, really--are the redundant commas that you use in direct speech. Remember that when a dialogue line ends with a question mark or an exclamation mark, it doesn't need anything else. Throwing in an extra comma after it is something you should never do.
Regarding commas, there are some spots where a sentence could use a comma between its clauses. Furthermore, you missed a comma in most lines where a character is directly addressed. Of course, according to some manuals of style, you don't need a comma when the address is preceded by a single word, but there are a few lines in this story that lack a comma despite the direct address being preceded by more than one word.
My last remark regarding punctuation will be on your use of hyphens. Remember that hyphens should be used to connect words, e.g. forty-two. However, if you want to convey that a character's line was rapidly cut off or if you need to add a side remark, you should use an em dash (—) or a double hyphen (--). It usually isn't flanked by spaces on either side, but this might vary between writing guides. Some guides also suggest using an en dash (–) in these cases, either with or without spaces. (An en dash is also the only correct punctuation mark in some other languages in these cases.)
Now, a few words about italics. You tend to use them scarcely, which is good, but there's still some odd usage here and there. When 'Sprouticus minimus' is introduced, its--or his, I guess--name is in italics. I'm not sure if this was supposed to provide emphasis on it (If yes, it's kind of weird.) or if it was supposed to mimic a scientific name. If it's the latter, then you forgot to keep it consistent and italicise the other two instances of where this kind of name is used. Not to speak about the fact that 'Sproticus maximus' apparently belongs to a different genus.
You also tend to put emphasis on words that generally don't need it:
The spelling of 'Aaaaand' readily conveys that the speaker put emphasis on it and even prolonged the word. There's no sense in attempting to emphasise it further, since it cannot really be done.
Oh, and also, I loved the opening sequence. Good job on the hook and subversion!
ooh, she's mad now!