When Luna convinces Celestia to go on a vacation she brings Twilight with her. A week in a royal summer house with the mare she loves? Could anyone keep their mask?
A/N Way overdue. Sorry guys inspiration havent been flowing so good lately. Anyways, feedback is apriciated like always. Short author note because I'm almost falling asleep here I'm sitting so have a nice day/morning/evening/night!
Also there's a musical refrence which no one has left a comment on... Anyone picked up on it yet?
Chapters (1)
I liked it.
Favorited.
A Twilestia ship?
Huzzah!
Instantly faved
I like it, but that may just be my Twilestia biases showing through.
This badly needs a proofreader to fix the grammatical issues in it. May I volunteer?
Good, but a few flaws.
First, student probably should be capitalized in the title.
Several spelling and errors(just kidnap a proofreader).
Cliches - probably the largest one. Masks, simple unicorn, show quotes, twicorn, etc.
Love the story, though I noticed some spelling and grammar errors. Still, good job!
A little short, and a little fast, but it was still quite sweet.
1262435
When an author agrees to let me proofread a story, I like to create a Google Docs copy of the story, format it correctly, redpen it with the GDocs comments feature, and then finally send it in privately. Google Documents allows for a very dense review of the text. It's much more thorough than I find I can accomplish just working from the text without line-by-line commenting.
That 'send it in privately' bit also means that I don't embarrass anypony by creating a public record of their mistakes that survives past when they fix them.
Hmm... this twilestia needs some more device.
O.k.. This was a really rushed, weak, and generic fic. There is no real attempt to develope these characters or their feelings. A rush to the declaration of love. Then, suddenly Twilicorn. Should Celestia really be offering as major and complicated a gift as eternal life after the first kiss? It was a needless addition to the story.
Your style is weak and you need an editor and prereaders like no tomorrow.
Overall? Not a solid showing.
... But there is potential here.
I admit, the whole gag with Luna's gifts? That was priceless. I laughed so hard at that, and overall, save for the SURPRISE IMMORTALITY in the last four lines, you have a solid skeleton for a nice Twilestia fluff piece, but as its stand, its just a skeleton. If you could get a decent editor, and take some time to flesh out the overall plot, adding in more character development and tension building, you could have a fairly solid story.
As it stands? C-, and only because you made me laugh. Some work though? B+, easy.
1262563 It's times like this, I wish I could 'like' comments.
Note to author: Saying 'Tree' instead of 'three' is fine and dandy when spoken. I do it occasionally due to my location. Saying it in text however, is not.
Also, watch the grammar.
1262563
Dammit, I was going to have so much fun, and then you went and said everything that was needed all helpfully and shit.
But seriously, major proofreading and editing required, massively over-rushed, and you blew your one funny gimmick in the first chapter. You've given yourself a whole week with how you've framed this - that gives you so much time to play with, to flesh out how you're handling the characters and reveal their motivations and hang-ups more organically than just infodumping it out in omniscient-narrator mode.
The other three royals spying on Celestia's holiday came off a bit creepy. You should go totally crazy with it and just have the whole place rigged with cameras, and use them as the comic relief - barracking like sports fans, giving scores for come-ons and confessions, that sort of thing. Being really creepy and refusing to stop watching when the inevitable clop scene happens, for that extra skeevy touch!
I really hope you take everyone's criticisms to heart and refine this into a decent fic. I may be biased though, as I love Twilestia like Applejack loves apples.
I liked this, but...
static3.fjcdn.com/thumbnails/comments/Right+in+the+grammar+_451426fdbe90856ac99dde235ac7903a.png
Suddenly, immortal.
HUZZAH! THE TWILESTIA HAS DOUBLED!
No, seriously. Fairly well written, I enjoyed it. You don't see many Twilestia pairings, so its good to see some
YAY!!
Twilestia makes my morning! Now I'm definatly gonna have a good day!
What they said above me :3
I can understand that you wanted to skip all that jibba jabba till the i love you part of them both.
But now you need to go deeper onto their feelings and make a comic/romance story line (if you wanna mix those 3 spies in)
Nice read tho:)
In general I first wanna say that I usually do rush things a little and I've been trying to improve on it. I'll do my best on later fics. The grammar is still something I'm working a lot on and I would love to have regular proofreaders (if anyone is up for it please pm me ) I should probably had explained the whole imortality deal a bit better aswell. I will probably not go back and do anything more than fix the grammar on this fic for now. I will however keep writing untill I'm better.
1262417 I would love to have your help. I'll pm you the docs link so thanks! :D
1262537 I do indeed like constructive feedback and I thank you. Though I do prefer proofreading the way PrettyPartyPony offered :)
1262563 I must thank you a lot for the feedback, I'm still very new to emotional fics so I'm trying to improve. Yes I do need prereaders so I will get that for my next fic before I release.
1262645 I will probably not do anything with this fic at the moment. I will have someone edit and proofread indeed though.
1262918 Pic is broken :(
1263296 Thank you :)
1263561 I do indeed need to become better at the emotional part. That is kind of why I'm writing theese things to improve on it.
Thanks for all the feedback guys! Oh and sorry for the late reply. Been at school untill now.
1263698 static3.fjcdn.com/thumbnails/comments/Right+in+the+grammar+_451426fdbe90856ac99dde235ac7903a.png
1263703 Still just directs me to funnyjunk nothing more :/
1263705 Well, it's just Grammar Nazi having a heart attack.
1263707 I did explain in A/N. Anyways having it proofread soon enough so I'll add a little tag when it's edited.
1263710 I shall await with bated breath.
...
What sort of a word is 'bated'?
1263716 I don't know, werent you the one to write it?
1263722 Its meaning has always evaded me. I think it means excited, impatient. Someth'n' like that. Also, would you give my fic, Price of Peace a go? With some luck, the last two chapters will rustle your jimmies.
1263731 I will soon, just have 19 favs updated which I need to catch up with xD
1263736 No worries.
I'm...sorry, but I didn't like it.
Good story, yes! But there were too many grammar mistakes, the part with Luna, Shining and Cadence wasn't needed in any way at all, and the fact Twilight was literally all:
DISREGARD FRIEND
REQUIRE LOVE.
If she's the bookworm everyone believes her to be, she would consider it, and probably say no.
So...yah owo
1264170 Thanks for the feedback :)
Story is good enough to ignore the grammar/spelling issues, but also good enough not to have to. Grab a proofreader
1264364 A guy offered proofreading earlier, havent gotten a reply from him yet though :)
1264368
I saw that, which is why I didn't offer my own services.
1264382 The more proofreaders the better. If you want to I would love your help aswell :)
Google Docs is infinitely easier to correct in than is this, as I could simply highlight offending words and sticky-note the correction. P.M. me a link :)
A Twilestia fic that doesn't end in horse sex? HUZZAH!
Another Twilestia fic?
HUZZAH! 
The only things that really bothered me were the spelling & grammar errors.
Otherwise, good job! 
I was going to offer my view and opinion and possibly advice and servies here, but, I see it has been done multiple times. I'll just add abit in here, and I'm sorry if it is just repeated by me.
The idea and structure is good, up to the point where it throws the immortality out, didn't like that. The grammar is sub-par to be honest, and needs editing and proofreading bad, and I'm glad to see you've already shown you are accepting that! I think you have a story full of wonderful potential and its Twilestia, one of my favorite ships. I did enjoy the general story for such a short read, though I have to say, the biggest problem with it, is the pacing. Something like this, I'd rather seen hitting up to atleast five or ten chapters, then one. It felt very rushed. But, again, you have potential, if all you do is slow down. 'Tis better to take your time, then rush it out there. I like to work on a chapter scene by scene and atleast put a week into it before I even think of uploading it. Maybe you could try something like that?
Anyways, sorry if I'm just repeating what everyone else said just trying to be helpful!
If you ever need any help, I'm usually available to do so for anyone.
Editing the chatper right now!
1267063 Thanks for the feedback and sorry for late reply. School trip today. Yeah I do need to learn how to stop rushing stuff. I just wanted to try a one shot fic. Guess I could had put a bit more effort into extending it.
Okay I've edited the fic. Huge shoutout to Flamequill aka PrettyPartyPony and Dracon_Pyrothayan for helping me out! If you still find errors in the text feel free to leave a comment or a pm about it! Also I changed the interlude a little.
1269378
Some ideas just can't be put into a one shot, this is an example of it! I'll give it a re-read since you said you edited it and leave any feedback I have afterwards.
Anyways, I'll stop being annoying advice-giving pony for a bit!
Edit: Much better, atleast grammar wise. But, considering it is a one-shot only, I think it was rather well. ONly thing I didn't like was the pacing, but, thats only because I see this as a longer story and not a one-shot. Anyways, I hope to see more fro myou, and hopefully see alot of improvement and growth in your new stuff!
Hope you don't mind a bit of criticism along with all of your praise.
Your beginning was well made and fairly paced, Twilight's freakout leading to Spike packing for her was amusing, and the inclusion of minor details like her packed cookies was a cute touch. The humorous aspects of Luna's pamphlet were a bit blunt and could've used a layer of subtlety, while the trio watching the kiss from afar was outright jarring to the scene, especially being picked up with such a bluntly OOC technology having been forced in and explained just to allow them there, then cutting back as quickly. Finally, the ending trying to touch on Twilight becoming an alicorn and brushing everything it encompassed aside so carelessly only further hurt the pacing of the story as a whole.
Good potential, it just feels like the conflict of the story was cut out from under it before it had a chance to really show itself. Best of luck with future stories, and in getting over your writer's block.
its so good keep it up
I liked it(Twilestia is otp, ftw, etc
) except several moments.
1) Peeping is just immoral. That's something we can expect from CMC, but that's not behaviour suitable for two princesses and high-ranked officer.
2) The whole "turn you into alicorn" is too cheesy. First of all, it looks too fairytalish and too good to be true. Though if you think about, it's actually the opposite: if Twi and Tia break up, then Twi's life will be eternal nightmare: no friends, no lover.
Anyway, the difference in their lifespan is a major aspect of Twilestia pairing. Making alicorn out of Twi breaks it.
3) References("oh my Faust", "has been doubled") feel out of the place.
1271343 Thanks a lot for the feedback. I will think about all theese thing the next time I write a story! :D
1278091 I've always imagined Cadance being a tad to eager when it comes to love. So that's just my headcannon jumping in. It also does fit with Luna's akward personality during the Nightmare Night episode that she would do something weird like this with some convincing by Cadance. For Shining, well he might be a guard but also a very very good brother. Of course he would want to see this don't you agree?
The whole Alicorn thingy is indeed very cheesy and that's what I love about it. Also if Twilight and Celestia trurly loves eachother imagine the pain Celestia would go throught if Twilight were to die. I hate the idea of that (which I wrote a fic about earlier that kinda made me feel compelled to make a happy as possible ending for this one)
For the refrences, they may be a bit off but nothing too serious in my opinion.
Anyways thanks for the feedback and I hope those moments did not ruin the fic completely for you! :D
Its cute and funny well done!
This story is complete?
Here i thought that you would make a long story about their romantic love life.
1290504 Maybe one day I'll make a sequel.
good, little short for my tastes, but definitely good. Also, itching for a sequel.
1320872 We'll see, working on another long fic at the moment. When I finnish it I'll see if I'm I make a sequel or not :)
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this is awesome keep going.
that was easy for a change.dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/shrug_Twilight_Sparkle.png
awesome story!