Princess Luna was banished to the moon by her sister, Princess Celestia.
But how was she banished?
What caused her to be banished?
“But you didn’t, you didn’t understand. You banished me to my own moon! You said we would always have each other’s backs. I had yours Tia, and you had mine! So I thought…” Luna said with fury, waving her hoof in the air and turning to the sun, Celestia’s Sun, trying to see it through all her tears.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Hey people!
This is my first fanfic, so don't be to harsh but criticism is advised!
I hope you enjoy it!
Please Comment
Mmm, a few errors here and there, several plot inconsistencies...
but I like this. i typed in shit instead of 'this' first time SO ANYWAYS, I have favourited this. And watched you. :3
Review time! its 4.50am and I'm reviewing stories... (where did my life go so wrong)
The moon.
The moon was her eternal prison for the next long 1000 years.
The moon was where she was banished to, by her sister; Princess Celestia.
Luna sat, and took a big sigh in. What had she done wrong? What had she done to deserve this treatment from her sister?
The two of them used to be so close and fully trusted each other.
^ Right, the opening of the story is the most important, it's what draws the readers in. And to be honest, it doesn't work.
Try padding out the first paragraph, make the readers feel Lunas misery. Also in canon Luna was Nightmare Night. So try to make her seem more evil.
For example:-
A thousand years she waited, wondering and waiting when she will return for her revenge on her sister, Princess Celestria for the banishment to the hellish moon. A thousand years just sat in darkness, dust and emptiness. But The Nightmare just sat and watched, scowling every time Equestria come into view as her blasted sister raised the moon.
A little bit of regret lingered deep within The Nightmare, Princess Luna as she once known. And sometimes as the moon set she wondered, what happened, what have she become?
Unleash those feels man... pad it out instead of: 'It frightened Luna.' , 'It had hurt.' 'Her jaw hung open and she started to cry. 'Celestia looked like she was on the verge of tears.'
Each one deserves at least 2-3 sentences explaining how they felt. The reader wants to know how the princess's felt, why are they feeling that way.
There a few punctuation errors as well other than that its not as bad as the other fics I've seen.
Although most authors thank people who follow them by leaving messages on thier user pages, I thank them by taking the time to read thier stories. After all, if they read mine, I should read thiers back, right?
Anyway, the story concept was good, but there were some grammar and speach mistakes in it. It could use a proofread on your part, but other than that, pretty chill.