These are my first impressions on the first chapter: First thing’s first: How the fuck do you fit a scarf in a belt bag with all of that other stuff? Some of that stuff, okay, sure. But a scarf? I can’t imagine that possibly fitting in there. If you want to give your character a scarf, the easiest way I could think to do it is to have Rarity give him one since she was the Element of Generosity. She wouldn’t disagree with Celestia, but at the same time I think she would be willing to take mercy on someone that she thought was okay when she first met. To that end, she would probably be willing to make him at least that little thing.
Second, I assume that he arrived in Equestria while he was asleep, likely in bed. Why would he have all of this stuff on him anyway? I know I made a decent excuse for it in my story, but you might want to find a way to explain it.
“making me apathetic to most things and eventually not caring about others” “As far as the rest of the world goes, it can burn in hell” And he wondered why Celestia threw him out.
When he fought the timber wolves he would have died. You don’t ‘practice sword fighting as a kid’ and learn to use a sword. Sure, you know how to swing it, but that doesn’t mean a damn thing. Against anything more than one or two wild animals that don’t fight with skill or coordination, he would lose since he hasn’t been using a sword to fight every day to survive, like a predator fights every day to eat.
As soon as his back was turned to deal with one wolf, the others would have been all over him. When his sword was stuck in the body of one, the others would have pounced on him. That’s how wolves work; they don’t wait until you’re finished dealing with one before attacking, they attack as a pack.
If you want to have him encounter a timber wolf, I suggest a lone wolf, an outcast from a pack. One timber wolf would still probably be too much for anyone untrained to handle, but you can have him kill it with raw luck. Since he’s an MMA guy, he could probably kick it in the face and disorient it enough to stab it. He could still be injured that way.
I don’t think a timber wolf would be bigger than any wolf you’ve seen. They were smaller than full sized ponies, and the ponies were about the size of dogs.
How would he know normal wolf behavior if he had never seen them in the wild?
“The alpha didn’t wait” So what was its staring contest?
Alright, if the guy had been bit in the arm by a wolf, the arm would have been shaken around, broken, and torn out of its socket. The ankle also would have been broken. Dogs have powerful fucking jaws, and most of them don’t even fight for a living. A wolf made of wood that has to kill prey for a living would be strong enough to break bone and to possibly just bite body parts off entirely.
I imagine Zecora would be more likely to use leaves or something as bandages than valuable cloth that she would have to purchase or make herself.
When did he learn to make a bow and arrow? Do you realize how hard fletching is? The arrow has to be perfectly straight, you have to make sure not to unbalance each arrow when you put in the tip, and you have to make sure the feathers are perfectly aligned. I can’t imagine that he would be able to do all of that just using the tools he had when he got there. And making a good bow is even harder. It has to be able to bend but not break, it has to be accurate, you have to string it well, and so many other things that I don’t even know about.
Shooting a bow while running is almost impossible. You can’t learn to do it in two days, even if you are practicing constantly. To make the amount of arrows one would need to do that would take tremendous amounts of resources and time, especially since the arrows could break each shot, the feathers could fall out, the stone could chip or get damaged, or any number of things.
I don’t think it’s possible to tan a hide without salt or chemicals. If it is possible, it wouldn’t be easy without a very sharp knife or a lot of practice. Unless the sword he was given was enchanted, it would be very dull by now; you don’t constantly use a “very sharp” sword without its blade quickly becoming dull and damaged. The same for the knives.
“Their culture is similar to humans, except on gender lines and some other things. The equine and herbivore biology naturally made them into a peaceful sentient society.” What. “Similar to humans” =/= “peaceful sentient society”
“In some way that makes sense; what would be the point if magic takes care of everyone’s needs?” If I were your Anon, klaxons would be going off in my skull right then and there. Namely, “I can sell my knowledge of technology to the griffins/changelings/minotaurs/anyone without much magic in exchanged for succor.” This would be a perfect way for him to get the hell out of an evil forest and to get revenge on Celestia by legally leaving her country behind in technology.
“Her country’s government was like that of Equestria: a monarchy over large land with democracy for representatives of towns and cities.” That is not a tribal culture. That is a monarchy with democracy for representatives of towns and cities.
“I convinced her to not talk about me with any of her other friends, namely the pony kind.” Uh… That’s kinda stupid, bro. She could be the perfect ticket to get the ponies to listen to you and to appeal to Celestia to give you another chance. She couldn’t get into any trouble because she isn’t an Equestrian citizen and doesn’t live in Equestria. If Celestia did anything to her, there would be massive reprisals from Zebricka once they heard about it.
“I, however, was too different to just be overlooked.” Wear a cloak, gloves, and a cowl. Instant Diamond Dog, if you were good enough at acting.
“However, I told her not to bother because it would be too suspicious for her to ask for something like that out of nowhere.” Like hell it would. Zecora is fucking Zecora, man. She does what she wants. Honestly, considering she’s from Zebricka or whatever and had to travel to the Everfree herself, I’m surprise she didn’t have a map offhand.
“Within two days of my decision to leave, I was ready to start my travels.” Unrealistic. He would have to prepare more arrows, for one. For two, finding as much food as he took—and drying it—would have taken much longer than two days. I’d say at least a week would be good. “She made this for me during the time I was preparing for the trip.” That makes it even more unrealistic.
“Yes I lock pick too, the Anarchist Cookbook paid off.” No. Just no. A survivalist? Okay. MMA? Sure, that fits with the survivalist theme. Sword fighting? Okay, now we’re getting absurd. Knowing how to make a bow and arrow and then being able to use them within two days? Big fucking problem. Knowing how to pick locks? Gary Stu.
“Thank God I had my sunglasses.” I don’t think that was mentioned anywhere else. They just appeared out of nowhere.
In the future, I seriously suggest proofreading your story or having someone else do it. The verb tenses were all over the place. It started in past tense and went to present and future willy nilly. There were several other mistakes, with wrong words or misspelled words or something else. Hell, you misspelled the name of the chapter.
Also, when you post the chapter onto FIM, there's a button at the top that automatically indents every paragraph for you. It's easy to push that and save yourself a lot of time.
And you really need to work on your paragraphs. Several of them were absolute monsters and needed to be split up.
This is a very interesting story premise, but it has a lot of big issues that need to be worked on and addressed. I hope this was helpful for you.
5580269 Alright, I will admit it now that I have looked over the chapter that it is an eye sore. To be fair it is unedited, first time writing it and I have not looked it over for a long time. And yes, I have heard of few line paragraphs. They are in the other chapters.
MOAR
good story, but WALL OF TEXT!
This chapter partially reminds me of 'Dreams of Many'.
1271289
I like that story, it inspired me to write this one.
WALL OF TEXT!
cdn.head-fi.org/7/77/7797c0ab_unable-to-process-wall-of-text.jpeg
dude paragraphs
First, check your PMs.
These are my first impressions on the first chapter:
First thing’s first: How the fuck do you fit a scarf in a belt bag with all of that other stuff? Some of that stuff, okay, sure. But a scarf? I can’t imagine that possibly fitting in there. If you want to give your character a scarf, the easiest way I could think to do it is to have Rarity give him one since she was the Element of Generosity. She wouldn’t disagree with Celestia, but at the same time I think she would be willing to take mercy on someone that she thought was okay when she first met. To that end, she would probably be willing to make him at least that little thing.
Second, I assume that he arrived in Equestria while he was asleep, likely in bed. Why would he have all of this stuff on him anyway? I know I made a decent excuse for it in my story, but you might want to find a way to explain it.
“making me apathetic to most things and eventually not caring about others”
“As far as the rest of the world goes, it can burn in hell”
And he wondered why Celestia threw him out.
When he fought the timber wolves he would have died. You don’t ‘practice sword fighting as a kid’ and learn to use a sword. Sure, you know how to swing it, but that doesn’t mean a damn thing. Against anything more than one or two wild animals that don’t fight with skill or coordination, he would lose since he hasn’t been using a sword to fight every day to survive, like a predator fights every day to eat.
As soon as his back was turned to deal with one wolf, the others would have been all over him. When his sword was stuck in the body of one, the others would have pounced on him. That’s how wolves work; they don’t wait until you’re finished dealing with one before attacking, they attack as a pack.
If you want to have him encounter a timber wolf, I suggest a lone wolf, an outcast from a pack. One timber wolf would still probably be too much for anyone untrained to handle, but you can have him kill it with raw luck. Since he’s an MMA guy, he could probably kick it in the face and disorient it enough to stab it. He could still be injured that way.
I don’t think a timber wolf would be bigger than any wolf you’ve seen. They were smaller than full sized ponies, and the ponies were about the size of dogs.
How would he know normal wolf behavior if he had never seen them in the wild?
“The alpha didn’t wait” So what was its staring contest?
Alright, if the guy had been bit in the arm by a wolf, the arm would have been shaken around, broken, and torn out of its socket. The ankle also would have been broken. Dogs have powerful fucking jaws, and most of them don’t even fight for a living. A wolf made of wood that has to kill prey for a living would be strong enough to break bone and to possibly just bite body parts off entirely.
I imagine Zecora would be more likely to use leaves or something as bandages than valuable cloth that she would have to purchase or make herself.
When did he learn to make a bow and arrow? Do you realize how hard fletching is? The arrow has to be perfectly straight, you have to make sure not to unbalance each arrow when you put in the tip, and you have to make sure the feathers are perfectly aligned. I can’t imagine that he would be able to do all of that just using the tools he had when he got there. And making a good bow is even harder. It has to be able to bend but not break, it has to be accurate, you have to string it well, and so many other things that I don’t even know about.
Shooting a bow while running is almost impossible. You can’t learn to do it in two days, even if you are practicing constantly. To make the amount of arrows one would need to do that would take tremendous amounts of resources and time, especially since the arrows could break each shot, the feathers could fall out, the stone could chip or get damaged, or any number of things.
I don’t think it’s possible to tan a hide without salt or chemicals. If it is possible, it wouldn’t be easy without a very sharp knife or a lot of practice. Unless the sword he was given was enchanted, it would be very dull by now; you don’t constantly use a “very sharp” sword without its blade quickly becoming dull and damaged. The same for the knives.
“Their culture is similar to humans, except on gender lines and some other things. The equine and herbivore biology naturally made them into a peaceful sentient society.”
What. “Similar to humans” =/= “peaceful sentient society”
“In some way that makes sense; what would be the point if magic takes care of everyone’s needs?”
If I were your Anon, klaxons would be going off in my skull right then and there. Namely, “I can sell my knowledge of technology to the griffins/changelings/minotaurs/anyone without much magic in exchanged for succor.” This would be a perfect way for him to get the hell out of an evil forest and to get revenge on Celestia by legally leaving her country behind in technology.
“Her country’s government was like that of Equestria: a monarchy over large land with democracy for representatives of towns and cities.”
That is not a tribal culture. That is a monarchy with democracy for representatives of towns and cities.
“I convinced her to not talk about me with any of her other friends, namely the pony kind.”
Uh… That’s kinda stupid, bro. She could be the perfect ticket to get the ponies to listen to you and to appeal to Celestia to give you another chance. She couldn’t get into any trouble because she isn’t an Equestrian citizen and doesn’t live in Equestria. If Celestia did anything to her, there would be massive reprisals from Zebricka once they heard about it.
“I, however, was too different to just be overlooked.”
Wear a cloak, gloves, and a cowl. Instant Diamond Dog, if you were good enough at acting.
“However, I told her not to bother because it would be too suspicious for her to ask for something like that out of nowhere.”
Like hell it would. Zecora is fucking Zecora, man. She does what she wants. Honestly, considering she’s from Zebricka or whatever and had to travel to the Everfree herself, I’m surprise she didn’t have a map offhand.
“Within two days of my decision to leave, I was ready to start my travels.”
Unrealistic. He would have to prepare more arrows, for one. For two, finding as much food as he took—and drying it—would have taken much longer than two days. I’d say at least a week would be good.
“She made this for me during the time I was preparing for the trip.”
That makes it even more unrealistic.
“Yes I lock pick too, the Anarchist Cookbook paid off.”
No. Just no. A survivalist? Okay. MMA? Sure, that fits with the survivalist theme. Sword fighting? Okay, now we’re getting absurd. Knowing how to make a bow and arrow and then being able to use them within two days? Big fucking problem. Knowing how to pick locks? Gary Stu.
“Thank God I had my sunglasses.”
I don’t think that was mentioned anywhere else. They just appeared out of nowhere.
In the future, I seriously suggest proofreading your story or having someone else do it. The verb tenses were all over the place. It started in past tense and went to present and future willy nilly. There were several other mistakes, with wrong words or misspelled words or something else. Hell, you misspelled the name of the chapter.
Also, when you post the chapter onto FIM, there's a button at the top that automatically indents every paragraph for you. It's easy to push that and save yourself a lot of time.
And you really need to work on your paragraphs. Several of them were absolute monsters and needed to be split up.
This is a very interesting story premise, but it has a lot of big issues that need to be worked on and addressed. I hope this was helpful for you.
1322159 I couldn't have done half as good with a critique, although it was tempting to give it a go before I saw your comment. Bullseye!
Separate the goddamn sentences man. It's an eye-sore, how you even heard of few line paragraphs?
5580269 Alright, I will admit it now that I have looked over the chapter that it is an eye sore. To be fair it is unedited, first time writing it and I have not looked it over for a long time. And yes, I have heard of few line paragraphs. They are in the other chapters.