A Mare Called Rarity

[One-shot] Sapphire Shores demanded a special kind of lace for her dress to the Grand Galloping Gala, a style which you may only use if you get personal permission from its designer, an extremely picky frontier pony from Stitchtown, the fashion capital of the wild west. This sets Rarity on the course of an adventure which tests both her physical limits and her skills as a designer. If she plays her card right, she may even save her own town.

Chapters (1)

Comments ( 12 )

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zel

zel #1 · Sep 10th, 2012 · 1 · ·

Not bad, but...
That pic...
images.wikia.com/hotdiggedydemon/images/1/1d/Rarity.mov.png

Owlor

Owlor #2 · Sep 10th, 2012 · · ·

1252563
Not a fan of my art style ,huh?

zel

zel #3 · Sep 10th, 2012 · 1 · ·

1252586
Well, it is not like I can do betterdl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/shrug_Rainbow_Dash.png

Owlor

Owlor #4 · Sep 11th, 2012 · 1 · ·

Just a note for Lucefudu, in case he decides to read this story... The 'handsome stallion' Crimson is not supposed to be your old OC, just wanted to make it clear. I had forgotten all about him when I wrote this fanfic.

Lucefudu

Lucefudu #5 · Sep 11th, 2012 · · ·

1255899 Both the intro and outro images are awesome (although the latter is kind of weird when I look at the pony's legs).
I noticed a few errors here and there (like missing closing quotation marks, some commas and some quotation marks where they shouldn't be), but nothing too glaring. I liked the werstern-but-silly vibe this story has, I mean- I don't like western much, but I was able to enjoy this (and, without the death comments, I could see this as an actual episode). But I feel that some characters interactions could be more, well, vivid. Especially the kiss at the ending.

And I knew that couldn't be Crimson Brass. I mean- he's a fag.

Have at ye:
[youtube=sMCyAGOD9Ac]
I was born without a face on some forgotten halloween.
In 13 rusty mason jars my mother buried me.
In some old shack behind the woods where no one ever goes.
But a soul don't rest in the devil's arms 'cuz no one really knows!

I got a fistful of demons!
I got some boots made of lead!
The grave may cool my rotting bones!
But it won't cure my head!

I was horribly disfigured, a monster from a whore.
The minute I saw life she up and slammed the door.
Cut me up in little pieces, thought I'd go away.
But now I'm back you better believe, 'cuz hell has come to pay!

I got a fistful of demons!
I got some boots made of lead!
The grave may cool my rotting bones!
But it won't cure my head!

No!

In the dirty crawlspace underneath the house,
You opened up your legs to squirt that demon out.
The dog was lapping madly at the blood stain on the floor.
Dead and buried I was gone, now I'm back for more!

I got a fistful of demons!
I got some boots made of lead!
The grave may cool my rotting bones!
But it won't cure my head!

I've got the frown of a satyr, the witnesses they say.
A little boy who died down there but never went away.
But you and I know better, now don't we mother dear?
How can a kid be frownin when he smiles from ear to ear?

I got a fistful of demons!

Owlor

Owlor #6 · Sep 11th, 2012 · · ·

1258465
I can't draw ponies from behind very well espescially not a pony with friggin CHAPS, and since I don't have anyone I can call up to ask to stand on all four wearing leather leggings so I can look at their butt at the moment, (It's for a drawing, I promise!) I ended up fudging it soemthing fierce...

I think most of the death comments is either in the narration or the internal monolouge, and this wouldn't necesserily happen "on screen" if it was an episode. (Its kinda stupid not to allow mentions of death in a children show anyway. Guess what, kids, you're gonna die, dea with it! and this is why I'll never become a famous childrens book author... Seriously, I way back, I sketched on the concept for what was intended to be a childrends book-type story about a girl who becomes the grim reaper. And apart from Muut it also featured sexy shirtless Anubis )

But I feel that some characters interactions could be more, well, vivid.

That is a weak point of mine, innit? I remember you usually tell me to include more dialouge actions, which is really just another aspect of the same thing. I'll definently look it over and see what to add, and if you got any other input on that, it'd be helpful. I'm interested, if you where to give it a rating, what would it be?

Lucefudu

Lucefudu #7 · Sep 11th, 2012 · · ·

1258556 Suuuure... a drawing.
Y'know... the pencil moving slowly, caressing the paper's ivory folds, teasing it with its tip. A slight pressure and then, the magic happens. The movements are animalistic, but one could also see the beauty and the grace within each tender stroke.
Pencil X Paper fapfic.

I too don't understand why kids can't be shown that someday they'll die. Go figure. This is exactly why the Derpy Drama happened: people unwilling to have their kids watching a cartoon that features a character who only speaks in one episode because said character has crossed eyes and is klutzy... they automatically assume that she's mentally impaired. This is also why we'll (probably) never see Lauren Faust's initial idea for Scootaloo in the show (a handicapped Pegasus who will never be able to fly). I blame the parents for being retarded...
Generations are getting stupider as the time passes.

You'd have to look out for typos as well. One I see that you often commit is writing especially as espescially and you also confuse were with where sometimes (and, in some words that have an "o" followed by a "g", you usually insert an "u" between them: monologue/monolougue; dialog/dialougue). This and the fact that sometimes the words aren't typed completely, usually missing the last word or the first (might be the keyboard itself being a lil' jammed). And as for the character interactions... I imagine that you should focus a lot on the kiss, because I read it as if I was watching a western movie, and I thought that the kissing scenes with the sunset and yadda yadda yadda have, as cliché as it sounds, a very... hard imagery.

This story is original, no doubt about it. It'd be hard to find a story belonging to you that isn't original, truth be told. The writing (not counting the errors) isn't the best, but it is fairly good, Owlor. You definitely are getting the hang of it. My tip to you would be to pay more attention to the character's interactions and their physical descriptions when you read stories from other "successful" authors. This is a very good way to learn how to properly make your character express him/herself, not to mention, a good way to learn Showing Vs. Telling. I would tell you, like I did, to send it just once to Ponychan's Writer's Training Grounds. Just to have a more "professional" feeback on it and tips that are actually useful.

I'd give it a 7/10.

PS: Sexy shirtless anthropomorphic Anubis, you say?

Owlor

Owlor #8 · Sep 11th, 2012 · · ·

1258628

.Suuuure... a drawing.

Trust me on this one, half the reason to become an artist is to get bitches to take of their clothes...

This is exactly why the Derpy Drama happened: people unwilling to have their kids watching a cartoon that features a character who only speaks in one episode because said character has crossed eyes and is klutzy...

That whole ordeal wasjust fail all around I never got the sense that Derpy was retarded, just very very klutzy? And even if she HAD some sort of mental impairment, so what? The worst thing you can say about Derpy is that she means well but tends to mess things up, and I don't find that all that insulting. I don't see how pretending that everyone is perfectly able is better than including characters who are disabled, even if its in a bit of a goofy way. It's pretty much the "law of Speedy Gonzales", unless the character is obviously mean-spirited, members of a minority tend not to be all tht offended by a stereotypical cartoon character, we tend to just think it's funny as hell. and at least if people are SANE they get that cartoons work by exagurration.

I imagine that you should focus a lot on the kiss, because I read it as if I was watching a western movie, and I thought that the kissing scenes with the sunset and yadda yadda yadda have, as cliché as it sounds, a very... hard imagery.

The problem I have here is that the kiss actually isn't very romantic, at least not from Rarity's pointof view, it's hard to forge a climactic kissing scene out of an emotion that basically ammounts to "..the hell?!" But I'mma try to see what I can do, I mean, can't have a western without a good ridin' off into the sunset scene, right?

I would tell you, like I did, to send it just once to Ponychan's Writer's Training Grounds. Just to have a more "professional" feeback on it and tips that are actually useful.

I will, but I have kind of a hard time choosing which story to focus on. It has to be one that I feel can be properly improved as opposed to a story that's prolly always going to be a little bit flawed from the get-go and I should just let it be what it is and focus on applying the lessons to the next story. This one might be a good candidate, don't you think?

Lucefudu