Spurspark is just an ordinary unicorn coasting through life and working to make a living, just like every other pony. Although unlike the other ponies Spurspark is just abit special, he remembers everything about his past life and even crazier in his past life he was human! Now Spurspark and his friends must rise up and take up the torches left to them by their legendary ancestors.
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pretty damn good soo far if i dont say so myself
I couldn't bring myself to read more than the first couple paragraphs.
I'm pretty sure you meant "ancestors" and not "descendants" in the description.
1241797
Thanks for notifying me! Sorry you did not enjoy it.
Capitalize I not "i"
1242430
I'M WORKING ON IT! ! !
Just one little suggestion that hasn't been mentioned.
Every time a new character speaks start a new paragraph.
Aside from that.
Capitalize your I's.
Music nerd here: There is no such thing as a D.S al Coda. Only a Coda. Which looks slightly like a crosshair.
1242564
"D.S. al coda, or dal segno al coda, literally means “from the sign to the coda mark.” D.S. al coda is an indication to start back at the segno, play until you encounter a coda, then skip to the next coda to continue."
upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/8/88/Music-segno.png/120px-Music-segno.png
1242669
Ah, so he has a Dal Sengo cutie mark. Not a D.S Al Coda mark (to quote the CMC 'What would a D.S Al Coda cutie mark even look like?')
D.S Al Coda refers to, like you said, playing from the sign to the coda, but there is no such object like that. The picture you referred me to showed a Dal Sengo. Please for the love of music change the description from 'a ds al coda' to 'a Dal Sengo'.
1242716
I looked it up and found that you are correct, but for the record D.S is an abbreviation for Dal Sengo, but regardless i will change it to avoid confusion, also thank you for notifying me
Didn't really like this... but I'll keep on following it to see where you want to go with the story.
Also it's your first story and I'm getting the feeling you're still seeking a stable writing style that suits you, am I right?
PS: If you are in need of a proofreader so you won't accidentally forget some 'I's' just send me
1243247 Are you planning to give Constructive Criticism? If you are not, don't post this again.cdn.broni.es/images/emotes/mlp-pmad_fixed.png
The first thing I will start with is your description. You are missing a lot of punctuation, so I will post what it should look like.cdn.broni.es/images/emotes/mlp-tsquint.png
Spurspark is just an ordinary unicorn coasting through life and working to make a living, just like every other pony. Although, unlike the other ponies, Spurspark is just abit special though. He remembers everything about his past life and, even crazier, in his past life, he was human! Now, Spurspark and his friends must rise up and take up the torches left to them by their legendary ancestors.
Now, I shall begin the reading, and I will post another comment once I am done.cdn.broni.es/images/emotes/mlp-dhipster.png
From hell, to you, and back again,
Soto Konoha
1243247*slap* ah shut up. All he needs is an editor.
..And a pre-reader.
...And a-ooooh boy.
Okay, see here, this thing needs a complete overhaul. and I'm talking about Doctor Who style overhaul. Complete new idea changes and backstory changes because holy mackerel on Rye this is a dime in a dozen. Also, loose the smiley face at the beginning, you want people to take your story seriously, then you've got to start with yourself. Either way, ohoho boy, this needs work.
This...
What the hell is even going on?
The first part of the story is just describing shit, and seems more like an author's note than part of the story. It seems more like you're talking than making a story, just popping whatever comes to your mind into the story. It's unprofessional.
You also are making new paragraphs at random points, instead of when a new person speaks. This causes the paragraphs to be much larger than they are supposed to be.
Grammar is pretty bad, but not so bad that it's unfixable.
This is also a much overdone topic, in many, many aspects.
In conclusion: Get some help. You need it.
Until then...
CHOO CHOO.
Ok, I'll be brief, seeing as how I'm writing at the moment.
Red is a typo.
Blue is something I suggest adding.
Green is a grammatical mistake.
Paragraph One...
Ok, not too much wrong here in terms of grammar. However, this story has the pace of a man in a sausage-suit being chased by a pack of hungry Pripyat hounds. You could make several chapters about this, rather than 100 words. Secondly, you're telling and not showing. One paragraph and I already know practically everything to do with this bloody OC.
Thirdly, the start reads like an author note. You basically explain the whole story in two chapters then say 'Lets begin!'. I was waiting for the story to begin when I read it. Right, let me patch up that description for you.
Spurspark is just an ordinary unicorn coasting through life and working to make a living, just like every other pony. Although unlike the other ponies Spurspark is just a bit special though, he remembers everything about his past life. His human past life! Now Spurspark and his friends must rise up and take up the torches left to them by their legendary ancestors.
There you go, slightly better. If you need help or advice, mail me.
~Sierra, TWE Admin.
WHOOSH!
Alright. Now it's time for the good old actual review, now that I'm back on my comp.
Error/problem
Correction (grammar)
Notes
Alright. End of the day: It's just your basic 'Human turned pony in Equestria' fic. Nothing special. Bit on the 'too fast pacing side'. Try something more original next time and we'll just move on to the next train wreck of a fic.
WHOOSH!
Edit: Ninjaed by Sierra_Seven_
HiE. Decent effort, but ancestral theme and future(?) setting aside, there's little that sets it apart from the infinite legion of similar stories that are already out there.
1243498>>1243484>>1243429>>1243303>>1243238
To let everyone know I am brand new to this, by no stretch of my imagination am I a writer and I realize there are many issues with my story. BUT I'd like to request that none of you give up on my story and give it an honest chance I have lots of characters to introduce and lot of ideas to test that I hope will round the fic out and make it more interesting. I'm so happy everyone is willing to give me the constructive criticism I so desperately need. I have multiple friends to help me along the way and also I will be further explaining things, the war for example, I intend to desiginate an entire nice big chapter to. Again thank you so much for the help everyone I truly truly appreciate it and I will be taking all the opinions and recommendations to heart.
This post is your whole story, and I will put little interactions in here from me, and the Mane 6, giving you constructive criticism in the process. Now, I shall begin:
Chapter 1
The Interlude
Hi there :D
Soto: Yes, you guys are right. It steals from the excitement when someone sees this, more-or-less, a smiley face. I would just get rid of this part.
Soto: You're fine Fluttershy. I wasn't going to say anything else, but you do have a point there. If this is an Author's Note, it is good to say before putting the title of the story, and its chapter. Otherwise, it will be seen as part of the chapter. The proper way to put this is to put 'Author's Note:' before anything. At the end of the Author's Note, you should use a page breaker to separate it from the rest of the story, so they know where the end is at. Let's continue:
My name is Skyler, or as I'm known now, Spurspark. I've come to the decision to retell my story for anyone interested. Now, where to begin.......hmmmmm...... OH, I know! I'll start by letting everyone know exactly what my deal is. Well, to start, I'm a pony now -- a unicorn to be exact -- but we'll discuss that further, and in greater detail, a little bit later. I used to be a human though, with a girlfriend and everything, you know, the whole "sh-bang" but I guess eventually my time came, although it decided to come in the form of a brutal plane crash.
Soto: It's when someone puts more than 3 sentences together to make one sentence. Usually, three is the limit when it is set like this: It is dark outside, and the red fox is tired; therefore, he went to his den to sleep. Anything past that would be a considered a run-on sentence such as this. You need to cut the sentence into different sections because that is three separate sentences. Continuing on:
This plane crashed, ending the lives of me, my girlfriend, and most likely everyone else on board. The next thing I knew, I was just a little colt growing up in Ponyville.
My pony self has a few specific quirks that, I suppose, I'll mention. First of all, I have a perfect recollection of my entire life as a human. Secondly, I have no tail. Why? Well, when I first utilized my...ahem... "explosive" magic, I blew my tail to kingdom come, and now, my tail is simply a white tuft of hair coming out of my posterior. Thirdly, and I suppose finally, I'm a descendent of the infamous Rarity, but why is that a big deal? Well, I'll explain: See, when I was human my friends and I all had, what we called, Personality Ponies. Mine, being Rarity due to my personality and personal traits being closest to her. So, personally, it's a big deal to be related to her as a pony. Though I digress, I suppose, I should dive into the real story here, shouldn't I? Well then, here we go!
Soto: There! We made it through the Author's Note!
: *Coming back from getting a bag of chips* What?
: Rainbow! Yer supposed t' be helpin' us review this story!
: I am! I got myself a snack to keep myself from dying of boredom while you guys do this reviewing stuff.
: *Grabs bag of chips with her magic and sets it next to her* Come on, Rainbow. We need to finish this, so we can help another writer.
: The Great and Powerful Trixie doubts it.
:Why are you even here, Trixie?
: The Great and Powerful Trixie can't miss out on this review.
Soto: Come on everypony, we are close to finishing... I think.
Soto: Who cares? Let's just continue with the story.
Walking through the forest (or lack there of)(cdn.broni.es/images/emotes/mlp-rcontent.png :This is not needed because it just makes the sentence look weird.) had never been such a pain. I could only think of how idiotic I was for doing my friend a favor. DJ-3JU (cdn.broni.es/images/emotes/mlp-dderp.png : lolwut?) (a descendent of DJ-PON3 or Vinyl Scratch as some knew her, and also, a friend from my human life. Although, he doesn't know that) had asked me to go and shape some records for him, and why did I have to do it? I blame my magic simply because it is suited for the job, and I'm literally the only one who can. My magic is quite literally(cdn.broni.es/images/emotes/mlp-rsad.png : You say this a lot, darling. Try to avoid using it so many times) explosive, so I'll find a rock, blow it to pieces. Then, I'll find a good chuck and shape it into a record. After, I would take them back to DJ-3JU for him to "soften", and lastly, carve the music into it. I gathered about twelve record rocks and decided to make my way back through the Everfree Forest (dun duh duh) (cdn.broni.es/images/emotes/mlp-sbskeptical.png : These side chats are killing the mood.). Normally, this would scare any, and everypony, but the forest wasn't dangerous anymore; it was a wasteland. "Stupid war. . ." I slid through my teeth. "If only the Elements of Harmony could have been used, then Princess Celestia wouldn't have had to sacrifice herself to purify the evil that had come seeking to take over Equestria. . ." I couldn't help but ponder as I walked, what would happen if evil surfaced again? (Soto: be sure to italicize this, since this is a thought to himself.) The past keepers of the Elements were long gone, and nopony has been capable of getting near the Elements since the keepers passed. The only thing on my mind was, were the powers of the Elements of Harmony forever lost to Equestria? (Soto: Italicize.)
cdn.broni.es/images/emotes/mlp-rdowner.png : Sweetie Belle, what are you doing here? You are supposed to be in bed.
)
cdn.broni.es/images/emotes/mlp-swsad.png : But I can't sleep with your guys talking. None of us can. (
cdn.broni.es/images/emotes/mlp-tblush.png : I'm sorry, but I had a difficult time understanding the bases of your magical abilities. I double checked, even triple checked, the sentence to see if I could get a better understanding of your art, but I couldn't pinpoint any specific details.
DJ-3JU was waiting outside the forest for me to return. He looked exactly like DJ-PON3 with a white coat, bright scarlet eyes, and electric blue hair, though his hair is longer and wavier. Even the infamous DJ shades that got passed down through the generations, and on his flank was his cutie mark, a Dal Sengo (it's used in musical notation for anyone who wants to Google it :D) (cdn.broni.es/images/emotes/mlp-trsnob1.png : Trixie believes these side chats are becoming an annoyance.). He was also an old friend from Earth, although as I mentioned before he is none the wiser. (cdn.broni.es/images/emotes/mlp-ahipster.png Ya already mentioned this, sugarcube.) His name on Earth was Emmett, and he was one of my best buds. We always talked video games and music, and overall, just always had something to discuss and talk about. Like all my other friends from earth, I missed him so much. Until I found his pony self here in Equestria. "DUDE, awesome you got the records for me! How did you know I needed exactly twelve?" He inquired.
I couldn't help but notice what a coincidence that was. "Um, I didn't. I just started blasting rocks and decided twelve should be good, but I am glad I don't have to go back for more."
"Yah man," He continued. "Well, I guess you just know me too well! Either that, or you just happened to notice that I needed twelve more records to hit a thousand."
WAIT! (cdn.broni.es/images/emotes/mlp-ahay.png : Italicize.) I thought to myself. How is that possible? He was only twelve away on Earth when I passed away! I guess it's just a coincidence. His pony self must simply be living a pony life akin to Emmett's human life. At that point, I could only help but reflect on everything I had lost, and although I had gained so much more, the pain still lingered, weighing heavily on my heart. "Yo, bro, are you okay?" Snapping back into reality, I realized DJ had pulled his shades down the bridge of his nose and was looking me over with his scarlet eyes. "Oh yah, man. It's just... old memories. You know how it is, just zoning out and letting your mind run free." I gave him a big fake smile, but he luckily didn't notice the false aspect of it. "Yah, I get it. Just making sure you're alright. You looked to be in pain, but you said you're okay. I'll take your word for it," he proclaimed with a big grin. "What would I do if my record maker wasn't available?"
"Panic, cry and uselessly attempt to find someone even potentially as useful as me." I slyly replied. "Am I close?"
He stood there embarrassed and said "Honestly... You're probably dead on the mark there." (Soto: Just caught it now, but you space between your periods. Don't do that, and you never use a comma then ellipse periods, or just periods as a matter of fact.)
I couldn't help but grin with triumph. As cocky as it was, I always enjoyed getting the better of my friends. "Anyways, let's get going. I wanna see you make music!" He nodded, and we started walking.
Soto: Well, we have just edited, reviewed, and gave you our opinion on certain areas on the story.
cdn.broni.es/images/emotes/mlp-dcheeks.png : We gave him our opinions?
cdn.broni.es/images/emotes/mlp-stannoy.png : Actually, most of us gave our opinions. You, however, seized to assist us in editing this story.
cdn.broni.es/images/emotes/mlp-dlaugh.png : Okay, okay. Here's my opinion: It needs to be about 20% cooler. The story was good, but it kind of didn't have anything cool.
cdn.broni.es/images/emotes/mlp-tawkward.png : I found it interesting. Being that it was the first chapter, it didn't say that much, and I am sure further in the story, you will have more to 'wow' me with. The only thing is is that this chapter kind of lacked detail, visualization. Maybe on your next chapter, you could add a bit more visualization to your story.
cdn.broni.es/images/emotes/mlp-rdowner.png : I, also, found this story less dazzling without the unique explanations of the detail of the objects around them, or their physical features as well.
cdn.broni.es/images/emotes/mlp-trsmug2.png : Trixie believe she could do better.
cdn.broni.es/images/emotes/mlp-tsad.png : Trixie, be nice to the writer. She's trying her best to be a fabulous writer.
cdn.broni.es/images/emotes/mlp-trsnob1.png : Trixie supposes she could ease down on the insults. Though, she would very much appreciate more in your story. The first chapter was too short, and it went by too fast to satisfy The Great and Powerful Trixie.
cdn.broni.es/images/emotes/mlp-fgrin.png : It was... nice.
cdn.broni.es/images/emotes/mlp-aconceited.png : Ya did a good job fer yer first time, sugarcube. There could definitely be more expected fer yer story, but, fer a first time, it was pretty good. Ah wouldn't mind readin' more, if ya posted more.
Soto: Where did Pinkie Pie go? I just noticed she wasn't here the whole time.
cdn.broni.es/images/emotes/mlp-tblush.png : I don't know. Wow, would you look at the time, I have to get back to the library before Spike gets worried. It has been great reviewing this, and I will see everypony later.
Soto: Yeah, I will wrap this up then. You, Author, did a pretty fair job. The plot is interesting. It is not my most favorite plot, but it is interesting, and I am a guy with an open mind (clearly). Just work on everything that we have said needed improvement, and I am sure your next story will turn out better.
From hell, to you, and back again,
Soto Konoha
I think it's a good start! Can't wait till the action ! :D
1245108
Soto i thank you from the bottom of my heart, and to clear up one thing the ponies got confused i am male :P and i do realize there are many a thing i need to explain and i think i'm going to put my next chapter on hold and write an explanation chapter. I've never been much of a writer, at all. But i wanted to give this a shot because my little pony is a huge source of happiness in my life, just like all the others on this site. i'm going to fix my first chapter using all the help people have offered my, you included. I hope you stick around to see my story blossom, because right now it's still just a seed :)
I'm going to give you my professional opinion of this story now. I agree with all of the coments my fellow criticers have left so I'll just be brief. For your first story, this wasn't bad at all. You have problems with grammar and spelling, as well as show don't tell. Your idea is also sort of unoriginal, but I can tell that you are trying.
So overall, I think you have some promise if you can manage to get it together. I also appreciate how you are taking all of these critics seriously, and you are actively trying to improve as a writer. So I will give this story a like because I think that you can improve and become better later on. I think that it would help if you had an editor; if you don't have one, then I will offer you my services as an editor if you would like. I believe in you buddy!
EEEE I LOVE THAT! You made my character so awesome!! Thank u!!! MORE MORE!
1251609
I can only write so much at a time Nebs, maybe I'll get another chapter out tomorrow. i'm glad you liked it
A little off grammar wise. I will edit that when I have the chance Sparky.
1252990
Damn i thought i had my grammer down pat
1253499
Eeenope!
1253837
Naw, I just triple or quadruple spell check mine.
I really like it so far.
Personally I don't base anyone's work off of grammar/spelling and such unless it's horrific. Yours is not. I really do like the idea of your fanfiction, therefore I'm really looking forward to reading more.
1247584 No problem, I am just doing whatever I can to help.
1255404 I don't need to spell check my stuff because I am just that good.cdn.broni.es/images/emotes/mlp-trollcat.png No, I do spell check when it is needed, but I am used to talking in complete sentences. This way, I don't have to worry about spell checking like four thousand times.cdn.broni.es/images/emotes/mlp-cheerilee.png
1280283
Oh, same here; I hardly correct anything. It's mainly just when the keyboard misses one of the buttons I press, or I don't press it far enough. I'm just a bit paranoid like that. Also a spelling nazi.
1280283
Soto i have to ask, how did you find my second chapter to be? Any helpful advice?
1282883 I haven't read it yet. I just got back from vacation, and I am still trying to settle in. I will probably read it later this morning, but I have to get some rest. I will be sure to read it tomorrow, and give you my constructive criticism once I am done.cdn.broni.es/images/emotes/mlp-dsalute.png
1283781
Thank you very much :)
HEHEHEHE, I know you were talking about me when you said trouble maker
1313643
Obviously ;)
lol this is gonna be good
lol, nice. This will be interesting.
And good job portraying me, as far as I can tell.
One more note: D'AAAAAWWWWW! ! ! *glomps* I had no idea you thought of me so!
lol
Very nice!!! Great work! :P I get excited whenever a new chapter comes up!! :P