This story is a sequel to No Room In This Hell
I've seen it happen before. Ponies get bit and come nighttime, they turn.
I dunno if they're even really alive at that point, but I know they're strong as an angry bull. It's like they don't care about anypony else anymore, not even themselves. They bite. They've got these fangs and they bite like a rabid dog.
I turn to look at Rainbow. They got her, too. But we were quick. We got rid of the wing they got 'er at. I think… I think that'll help.
Originally written for Quills and Sofas Speedwriting’s Lyrical Contest, where we had 24 hours to write a story based on a lyric or lyrics of a song of our choosing. Thanks to everyone who preread (I swear I’ll list y’all later).
Chapters (1)
This is not my kind of story, but it was well written and gripping. A real heartwrencher.
10911924
Thanks for the comment. I know it’s not everyone's cup of tea, but I’m glad you thought it was good anyway :)
I keep seeing this title and singing to myself IF YOU'RE AAAAAAALREADY DEAD!!!! and then I scroll down and see that's what the fucking chapter is called so thanks for that
10912026
ahahaha that’s literally the funniest thing ever I don’t even know why. Same brain juices I suppose. If anything, that’s the song I used to inspire this story sooo
This needs expanding.
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Maybe, but it was a speedwrite and I tried to keep it as close as the original as possible. Thanks for the input.
10912054
The original?
10912072
I just meant the original version of this that I wrote. I didn’t wanna expand it too much, which is how I ended up with this one.
This gets a 7/10 from me for being good. Now expand it into a full story and the rating will go higher. I see why this was featured however.
You git
10912200
Not too shabby for an "unfinished" story, but I don't really have any plans to expand it. It's supposed to be just kind of a glimpse of their last moments but hey who knows, maybe some day. Thanks for the comment.
10912279
>:)
Here's hoping Obabscribbler or Lost Narrator makes a dramatic audio reading vid of this short fanfic.
10912430
Oh gosh that'd be insanely awesome
neat story, short but sweet. plus, mcr reference which is always a bonus. thanks for the read (::::
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Also to everyone downvoting me 5 is considered Average and still a passing grade. What's there is good, it just has lots of unexplored potential.
10912463
What can I say. You know you made a good story, if Obabscribbler or Lost Narrator made an dramatic audio reading vid of it. because they personally think its good enough for one. It doesn't seem to matter if the story in question has a high or low rating either. If they like it, they like it. And let's face it that's the biggest kind of flattery you could ever get for a MLP fanfic writer.
So who knows this story would probably be a good one for Month of Macabre 2021.
10912632
Thanks for reading!
10912731
Not sure why people are downvoting you. Perhaps because this story is not meant to explain everything, but still, you have a point. Thanks for the comment again
10912771
Haha maybe, it would be really wild
Are those hooves at the top left corner of the cover art?
10913053
perhaps
10913053
Now having read the story, i have an answer
This story feels a little unfinished...
I’m just kidding, the ending honestly feels perfectly fine. A story doesn’t have to explain everything, and I feel like this story did a great job creating a mystery (what are the things? What was Patient Zero?). It doesn’t matter that the mystery wasn’t solved, only that it kept my attention throughout the story.
This story admittedly is not my cup of tea, mainly because my emotions are really dulled for whatever reason. However, I can see how gripping this is and can’t deny that you’re a fantastic writer (and I will make sure I keep telling you that).
10913696
Thanks for the comment! I almost sighed at the first sentence until you said you were kidding haha. I appreciate you admitting that it isn't your cup of tea, and I know it ain't gonna be everyone's cup of tea, but I'm glad you can see the appeal anyway :)
Very nice read, enjoyed every second of it!
10914723
Thank ya kindly! Much appreciated :) Glad you enjoyed
Oh, well if this world is finished... *Alondro rises into the air upon a shaft of pure energy (You mean like electrical, solar, nuclear...) NO! Just... pure.... ENERGY!!! And then he holds out his GOD-LIKE RIGHT HAND OF GLORY!!!* Purify. *The planet blows up a THOUSAND TIMES because of eh sheer AWESOME BODACIOUSNESS of Alondro's unthinkable holy power!!!*
See, THAT's how ya God-mode!
Anyhoo... story... to be blunt, it's like a hundred other Crapsack World fics I've read. There's no hope for anything, so just blow it all up. I don't get the point beyond that.
10915437
*shrug* well ive never written it, so i dont really care if it aint original. first time for me, which is what i care about :) thanks for the comment anyway
10915437
Just because you dislike tragedy and horror doesn't mean those stories have no value. If you don't enjoy this kind of story this much, perhaps consider reading something else.
Really enjoyed this story; interesting, succinct, and provoking. Leaves enough questions on the table to make you think, but not so much to be unfulfilling. Contains just enough world building to let the plot flow, but not so much to get bogged down in details.
10915828 Tragedy without the depth and context is... quite empty. This story would have no impact if it wasn't stocked with characters we already know in a setting we're already deeply familiar with.
It's an old fanfic trope of killing off beloved characters. I've seen this exact style in every single fandom I've ever interacted with, and exceedingly often using a zombie virus... hundreds of them.
It's like the "Walking Dead" with pones. And as old and worn out as that show became after, honestly the first season... I dunno what people were still getting out of it after that when it was clear it was basically 'lather-rinse-repeat'-level writing.
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[redacted]
Eh. I'm getting too invested in this argument.
Dude your first comment was you god-modding yourself. If you have these kind of thought-out reasons, maybe start with that instead of insulting the writer and everyone who enjoyed the story.
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Thank you for the comment :) I'm glad you enjoyed
This really got to me. AJ and RD are my two favourite of the Mane 6, and the fact that both died (I'm assuming) made me so sad. The worst part is that I can't ever seem to cry when I want to, and this really made me want to cry.
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Dash does die, and the ending is ambiguous, but I intended it to be that AJ lives through a fate worse than death because no one’s there to stop her from turning.
They’re my favourites, too, which is why I enjoy tormenting them. I’m glad the story resonated with you, and I’m sorry I made you... not cry haha. Thanks for the comment :)
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Also I read a lot of sad stories and I tend to 'not cry' a lot. :|
Well, that's even sadder!
10920623
I completely understand that. At most, I might tear up at a story. There’s only one fanfic that’s made me actually cry and it never fails to do so haha. And thanks for the follow!
Shame the world fell like that
I don't have much to say. It was a nice short tale. Good description for actions and scenes that helped me have a vivid image of what was going on and nice execution is terms of character. Mainly Applejack since the rest didn't really count.
The past and whatever that let to this fic may have been kept vague but it's not what matters. What mattered was that they were in this situation and that is how the events turned. Some say it made them cry. Not me. I don't think I've ever cried at a movie, story or etc anyway. I could sympathy with Applejack really well and that just shows how well the character was written.
Now, I don't get whether the times you used "don't" with "it" was intentional or unintentional but I rolled with it.
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Thank you for your comment ^^ For someone who didn't have much to say, you said quite a bit. I'm glad you were able to sympathize with the characters :)
And yeah, the "it don't"s were intentional. That's just kinda how I write Applejack, I find.
That was a proper zombie short story! With ponies! So I hurts more!
A+ for making me sad! Badass fight scenes! Good work!
10971912
Thank you!! :)
10971921
With PONIES. Ponies. A zombie story with zombies is expected. And you're welcome!
Oh, wait, this is for comment club so I was supposed to say more. Okay.
Genres of stories have various tropes attached to them, and that is not only okay — it is good. readers expect them.
One of the core zombie ones is (along with social allegory, massive zombie hordes, and “humans are the real monsters”) is “what do you do if a love one is turned.” Do you kill them before they turn? Are you saving them from suffering or robbing them of life? If it is a merciful act, can you actually bring yourself to end the life of someone you hold dear?
Joe Hill said that true horror is not extreme sadism but extreme empathy. And ponies inspire extraordinary empathy. This is how I think Brony horror should work — it should make it easier to empathize with the victims in a story. Can it drift into sentimentality? Enh. We are pony fans. We are here for sentimentality. :P
I admit I didn’t at first grasp that it was a zombie story. I tend to skip long descs and I can be a sloppy reader. But I did grasp that Applejack was helping a wounded Rainbow Dash, and I was worried about them! So good on you.
Anyway add that to the other stuff I said. :)
10971966
Oh I love this comment. Thanks for that as well :D I wish I could say something more than “thanks” but I’m bad at replying to comments
Finally got around to rereading this.
Yep, this was as good as I remembered it to be back in the speedwrite. Really enjoyed revisiting the dread and despair you've conjured here. Also, loved the stuff you added into this. Makes the mess of emotions you had in your original a little messier, in a good way. So yeah, good job! Well worth the feature!
10972061
Ah thank you! That means a lot :). I wonder how many people from the speedwrite reread it cause I did add quite a bit hehe. I’m glad you enjoyed it :D
Howdy, hi!
I really like this story. It's a zombie story with a really personal take with high emotions and turmoil in applejack. The bleakness of the piece against the hope of the characters onboard is very powerful and I love it. Though I tend to prefer happy endings, the almost poetic end is just so magnificently executed to be very touching.
I really got hit by the feels with this one. Desperately holding onto the one you hold most dear despite the odds against it and pushing forward on that last slim chance of hope, ugh, its so good.
Anyways, loved this piece. Thank you for the story.
10972286
Ohhh!!! Thanks! This comment made me very happy, I'm glad you enjoyed it :)
I loved this!
I have to admit, at first the scene was too vague to get my attention, I have read a lot of these kind of stories (the butterflies of yours actually right before this) so less details of the scenario made it a steep climb, but it pays of beautifully in the end. Zombie stories are a favorite of mine, and I regret the fact that they're overused by this point so no one really tries to do good ones anymore, but you certainly delivered with this.
As for the emotions in it, I don't think I have to say much. You've a market for Appledash tragic, and the product is of great quality.
Great job and thank you for writing this.
10973383
Thank you for the comment! I'm glad you enjoyed it, you made me smile :)
Zombie stories rarely interest me. The common tropes and the very nature of how sad and depressing they tend to be leaves me with a feeling of hopelessness, and I often deal with too much depression to want to read sad things because of that. And yet, that hasn't stopped me from writing a lot of sad works, to get that same depression out.
Somehow this one struck me a bit differently though. Despite being, at its core, a zombie story, where Applejack and Rainbow Dash are barely escaping, where Rainbow Dash is already infected no matter what Applejack tries to do, while the rest of the Mane Six are zombified or worse and everyone they know is likely dead, this spoke to me. Perhaps it was the way you eased us in, giving us little hints until we got to Rainbow's injuries and everything became clear. Or maybe it was the way in which you dovetailed a little bit of vampirism into the mix--I do so love vampires. It might also be the fact it's first person.
Whatever the case, this became thrilling, especially when the three showed up to fight off Applejack. If I had some critique this is where I'd say at times the choreographing of the fight made it a little hard to picture where AJ was in relation to the open part of the box car. I also found myself wondering why she didn't pick their tails up by her jaws and swing them out like polecats, but maybe she was feeling too weak, given she repeatedly makes that clear.
Apart from that though this got to me. I knew from the start she was going to have to kill Rainbow Dash, because the sort of mercy being shown is the best thing you can do for someone you love. I would like to think that any lover of mine would do the same for me if I was about to turn, and vice versa.
One final thing: As much as I like the ending, I do find myself wondering why no one in the CE bothered to check inside the box cars. I know the trains are automated but you'd think they'd examine the train before letting it leave again, offload any supplies, make sure there aren't any zombles wandering around in the dark ready to pounce when unleashed, etc. Though perhaps I think that because there's a part of me that's hoping at least SOME ponies we know are okay, and that Cadance and Shining could rescue Applejack and give her the help she needs.
Regardless though, I loved this quite a lot. Great work.