--This story takes place 20 years after Discord's second banishment--
Discord is the physical embodiment of all chaos in the universe.
Apple Bloom is the sister of an Element of Harmony and the Treasurer of the Cutie Mark Crusaders.
This obviously means that they will fall in love.
This was originally going to be a one-shot, but I soon discovered that I am way too long winded to try and cram a story in ~3k words. So plan on this being a 3-4 chapter story updated whenever I can cram in some writing time between college classes and cadet life.
Big thanks to LuMe for prereading my stories and making sure that they make sense.
Another big thank you goes to AcreuBaLL for the amazing cover image.
Chapters (4)
Great stuff
just kidding nice job
Holy mother of yes
applause everywhere. seriously, very well done. you've earned a follow.
This gonna be awesome!
images1.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20111107110726/mlp/images/4/40/Spike_chuckling_frozen_lake_S1E11.png
Woah. This is pretty awesome.
The title is quite terrible, though, especially since it can be interpreted quite sexually
1229804
Heh, this is exactly the kind of reaction I was hoping for when I wrote this.
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Thanks guys! Glad y'all are liking it so far!
1235820
I like having the title be a silly little innuendo. However, if it's turning too many people away, I may change it.
or not.
Thanks for the support though!
All of y'all rock!
Proper execution can lend merit to any prompt.
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"Discord in Bloom"
Now, to the author of this story... Um... Pretty good so far, but I have one main concern. Random words seem to be capitalized for seemingly no reason (example):
"Knowing that he had to stop the spread he melted his way through to the center of the Ice like a hot nail through ice."
(and)
"Essentially, While his power was rising, he was getting more and more bored."
There are more than just those two... But I don't feel like listing them all. Try to work on that; it's distracting. Also, comparing Discord melting his way through ice to a... hot nail melting through ice isn't exactly the best comparison. In the future, try not to compare something to itself. In this case, you compared ice being melted to ice being melted. Instead, go for something different like... "Knowing that he had to stop the spread, he melted his way through to the center of the ice, like a searing flame falling through a snowbank."
Maybe not that particular comparison, but something along those lines.
Though, Discord/Applebloom is certainly an interesting ship. You've got the reader's attention; I'm sure we all look forward to seeing how it'll play out.
1239326 cant wait for moar though dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Colgate_beam.png
1239440
I know I tend to randomly capitalize things when I am typing quickly. It's a neverending battle against the shift key.
Thanks for pointing that out though, and I go back into Ch 1 and try to fix those little errors.
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Well, it's just, the innuendo coupled with the fact the description does NOT mention it's a time skip story... that just squicks people out
1241499
Just fixed that. In hindsight, that would have been a good thing to include to begin with...
We are now observing the wild Disbloom in it's semi-natural habitat...
... Such a magnificent ship, but alas; it's kind has always been so scarce that they're only spoken of in myths. We can not even begin to grasp the true nature of such a ship, but perhaps further examining will prove fruitful.
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Firstly, thanks for the compleiment on the story! Hopefully, the next chapters will continue to meet your expectations.
I personally think that the plural of Draconequus is well, Draconequus similar to how the plural of deer is deer (or fish is fish). Well, it makes sense in my head at least.
And I kinda take my story semi-seriously. I take the actual writing part seriously, because grammar is srs bisness; but I don't want to take the actual story too seriously, simply because I don't take life too seriously. Plus super serious people aren't fun to be around for a long time, and a little humor can go a long way in both stories and in life.
As for cover art, If you want to make some, that would be awesome! I don't have any crazy deadlines or anything, and if you want to make some art then go for it!
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I always called it DiscoBloom. Though mostly because i laugh everytime I say disco
moar now please?
I am so confused by the premise of this story.
That said, it is done really well.
1252789
it's simple. Discord falls in love with Applebloom. There's really nothing much more that needs to be said.
Oh and btw, this chapter was pretty sweet. Hope to read more soon.
Shaping up nicely! Discord losing his powers as a result was understandable, and typical for this kind of stories, so yeah, no issues there
Some oddities and errors:
)
> she saw that she was in a largeish bed
Double space between "saw" and "that" (yes, yes, I'm nitpicking
> next to me on the bed when I woke up”
> bleeding on top of some rubble”
Missing period at the end.
> Were you two trying to do?
Probably needs to start with "What".
> “I am going to find Twilight, Will you be coming back later?”
Period in the middle, instead of a comma. Those are clearly 2 separate sentences. I'd also think Spike would say "I'm".
> Garden Tour
Needs underlining, like the previous titled sub-parts
> Knowing that she couldn’t stay angry and her son-in-law for too long
Huh? Cadence isn't Celestia's daughter, is she?
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Good catch on the little grammar bits. Even after a bit of proofreading and all that, the little things still manage to slip through.
re: cadence: I always figured that Celestia was either Cadence's mother, or they developed into a mother-daughter relationship while Cadence was growing up.
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Like CanterlotGuardian said, It's about the lord of chaos falling in love with Apple Bloom.
Glad to hear that y'all enjoyed the new chapter though.
1253619
Heh. A small hint one of my fellow writers gave me (not sure if it was MidnightShadow or Mimezinga) was to just leave a chapter alone for a full day and then reread it, since then you can look at it without having the actual sentences as you intended them still firmly pre-embedded in your mind
My reaction when seeing the shipped pair in this story: WHAT DEFAUQ!
After reading this chapter: I REGRET NOTHING!
MORE! Uhhh... pretty please?
So, after almost a month, I finally manage to get the next chapter done for Discord in Bloom.
I literally sat and debated for several days as to whether I was going to keep the part about Scootaloo's wings in there, but I like to think (in my headcannon) that Scootaloo had a birth defect that prevented her from flying. That is, until her friend the super engineer Apple Bloom built her some. Though with the overall kinda 'sciencey'/'steampunky' feeling to the story I ended up leaving it there.
awesome chapter i really liked it please continue!
1408017
Steampunk Scootaloo? That's going in the Headcanon Files, Section Class Scootaloo, subsection "Wing Defects."
That's right! He saved yo sorry asses! All hail the Lord of Chaos!
1408017
Apparently that was how Lauren Faust envisioned her, too. The steampunk wings idea is awesome
wow that is really awesome^^
just... don´t let me wait to long for the next chapter ok?
Aww. You got rid of the bold and daring title that got most of us subscribed to this little gem?
Ah well. Reading on, anyway
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Eh, I am back and forth about it. I may change it back if the mood strikes me. It does seem a bit more fitting though.
Spike sees that their cycles are synchronised.
ALTERNATE COMMENT:
Good times, good times.
Woah. Twilight has aged to be quite a grump, I must say... that didn't seem very in-character, to be honest
Some (hopefully helpful) writing remarks:
-The sub-titles are kind of an unnecessary interruption. Most people just use something like "* * *" or "~~~" as time skip / perspective skip.
-End sentences in quotes with punctuation. A lot of your spoken sentences simply don't end with any punctuation at all. For normal sentences that should end on a period, the general rule is to use a period, unless it is followed by a "s/he said" type construction, where you use a comma instead. For question marks and exclamations, there are no special rule, so, just use them.
-Separate addressing terms in spoken sentences (like names) with commas. For example, in "Can I get you anything to eat Miss Twilight?", put a comma before "Miss Twilight". If the addressing term is in the middle of the spoken sentence, put a comma both before and after it.
To make it perfectly clear, here's a little example I sent to someone I do prereading for. Compare these two sentences:
"I kill, my Queen," the soldier said to Elisabeth. "That's what soldiers do."
"I kill my Queen," the soldier said to Elisabeth. "That's what soldiers do."
The first is the soldier saying, to his queen, that he kills. The second is the soldier saying he kills his queen. That little comma can make quite some difference. So please pay more attention to that. If only to avoid accidental regicide
-Equestria Daily has a very useful document called the "Editor's Omnibus". Especially the "Self-Editing section" contains a treasure of information on correct formatting
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Thanks. I will look over it.
Edit: And I am redoing the opening section a bit to make it seem more in character.
Another note: "it's" means "it is". For the possessive form of "it", use "its". These three should be corrected:
> the black caffeinated beverage began to slowly work it’s own kind of magic
> right in the center of it’s trunk
> Being a unicorn does have it’s perks after all
In case of doubt, replace "it's" by "it is" and see if it still fits. If not, it should probably be "its"
This is great!
I NEED MOAR OF THIS STORY! XD Applebloom and Discord huh? I never really thought of that ship, but I'm always willing to read a story that ships Discord. From what I've read so far, it definitely works! Oh, and congrats for writing a very obscure ship and totally making it seem natural. You writing style is nice and fun to read. I can't wait to read more!