Some time after defeating Nightmare Moon who had somehow returned. A filly resembling her is found in The Castle Of The Two Sisters.
Is she evil or is she just misunderstood.
More importantly what damage has been done to her mind.
Chapters (7)
- Member Since 18th Jan, 2018
- offline last seen April 11th
TimeLordStudios
Just a brony looking for a way to create work for others to see. here you will find stories that are mostly similar to each other, as most of them will be alternate timelines.
TimeLordStudios
Joined 18th Jan, 2018 ·
Offline
Also LikedSimilarAuthor
- The Sound of Loneliness · 129k words · 65 11 · 2.2k views
- hmaf43 · 60k words · 663 61 · 11k views
- ocalhoun · 10k words · 237 13 · 5.7k views
- Grand-Galvatron · 2.5k words · 30 3 · 729 views
- Anonomis · 50k words · 40 9 · 2.9k views
- ShinigamiDad · 163k words · 41 17 · 922 views
- Mister Horncastle · 181k words · 159 11 · 3.4k views
- Mockingbirb · 1.3k words · 185 19 · 3k views
Join our SubscribeStar to remove these adverts!
Join our SubscribeStar to remove these adverts!
Stats
Page generated in 0.069 seconds
Total duration
1,121 users online
1,916,048 hits today, 1,872,792 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
Careful, they might acuse you of ripping off "Past Sins"
10759878
I didn't even know that story existed till you told me.
Edit: after reading the first two chapters I recognized the character nyx as she appears in other story's that I have read.
10759878
If things continue to go as planned. My story will be fairly different from what I've read of Past Sins so far.
I saw some missing whatever these are " " at the front of some dialogue otherwise the story seems good maybe a bit more detail would be nice
10770137
Thanks I will look into that.
Please don't stop. This is really good. The only thing close to this is the nyx series where nightmare moon essence acts like a mind spell to make a living breathing nightmare moon only for her followers to end up with a child.
10782012
I thank you for the praise, but I want to know. Is there a part of it you don't like. I'm looking for criticism to improve the story.
You've got a good story going here and you're using your characters well, but it's being held back by a variety of writing errors. An editor or prereader might be able to help you catch these if you can find one. I'll try to outline some of the writing issues below - I apologize for going to such lengthy detail, but hopefully this should get you started.
This should be Chapter 1: The Beginning. I know that's a trivial thing, but this is the very first thing someone will see when they start reading, so it's worth getting right. Without the colon, Chapter 1 The Beginning would be read as four consecutive words, which isn't a meaningful sentence.
Twilight's proclamation sounds a bit hammy, but honestly I kind of like that. :) There are two minor punctuation issues with Twilight's dialogue:
1. Use a space after an ellipsis (the three dots).
2. If you have action after dialogue, the rule is that you don't end the dialogue with a period. You instead end it with a comma. This rule is a bit of a difficult one because we are always taught to end sentences with a period, and this seems to break that rule - however, it's because your dialogue is followed by Twilight called out that we would use a comma in this case.
The corrected dialogue would look like this:
"It is over Nightmare Moon. Now with the power of the final element of harmony, we shall defeat you... again," Twilight called out, with the power of harmony surging around her.
Although these are very trivial nitpicks, I highly recommend taking the time to get dialogue correctly formatted. This is how your readers will hear the characters in their head, and it makes a big difference to how your story is perceived.
This is a sentence fragment - it doesn't really make sense on its own. Obviously you mean that Twilight is channeling the power of harmony through her element, in which case this is really a part of the preceding sentence. Personally I'd write the line like this:
"It is over, Nightmare Moon! Now with the power of the final element of harmony, we shall defeat you... again!" Twilight called out, the power of harmony surging around her as she channeled it through her element.
Your addition of the "again" is a very nice detail. It immediately lets the reader know that this isn't the first battle with Nightmare Moon, thus setting the scene and avoiding any confusion straight away, while raising a bunch of interesting questions to hook the reader in and keep them reading. And it's accomplished in one word of dialogue. That kind of efficiency is great in storytelling.
A few issues here:
1. you shall never defeat me again! is a full sentence, and sentences must begin with a capital letter.
2. Again, since this dialogue is followed by action, you should end it with a comma, not a period - however, since this is something Nightmare Moon is "calling out", it's probably better to use an exclamation mark anyway. She's probably shouting it.
3. Nightmare Moon called out defiantly charging her horn - this is missing a comma. It should be Nightmare Moon called out, defiantly charging her horn. (Without a comma, there are two different ways to parse the action - either Nightmare Moon is calling out defiantly, or she is charging her horn defiantly).
Again, there's another nice detail here with "she hoped" - we see that despite Nightmare Moon's bravado, she isn't actually confident she can win. Once again, an important detail is communicated in very few words. Good stuff.
This is a little out of order - we see Nightmare Moon's reaction before we've seen what she's reacting to, so her statement feels a bit out of nowhere (particularly since she was the last to speak before this, so it seems like she's talking to herself).
The dialogue has a couple of issues:
1. What no this can't be happening. - this is just a string of words. Read aloud, it sounds flat and robotic. Nightmare Moon is surprised and panicking - it should be more like What? No! This can't be happening!
2. I Nightmare Moon can not lose, not to the likes of you! - Use commas to create natural breaks in speech. If you don't, characters sound robotic since the words will all just be read out one after the other, with no inflection or emotion. Should be more like I, Nightmare Moon, can not lose, not to the likes of you!
Here's a prime example where commas need to be used - since there are none in the sentence, this sounds like a robot is talking. I would do it like this:
Save your breath, Nightmare Moon. There is no way you're gonna weasel your way out of this one.
I actually broke it into two sentences because Twilight is really saying two things here. Also it's "you're" (short for "you are"), not "your".
Careful with Applejack's accent. It can be tricky. :) It is actually fine not to write out Applejack's accent at all - some people even prefer not writing the accent phonetically.
Some issues here:
1. Ho we - I know what you mean here, but it looks a bit weird. I looked up ways to express this sound and the consensus seems to be "Hoo-wee!"
2. Applejack asked worryingly. - "worryingly" is the wrong word (it means "in a way that causes worry"). This should be Applejack asked worriedly, because she is worried.
3. Is there ah chance - nope! This is incorrect. "ah" is not a replacement for the word "a". It's how Applejack says "I" in her accent.
4. Is there ah chance she can reappear just like she did this time. Or is she gone for good. These are both questions. Questions must end in a question mark. If they don't, the speech sounds flat and robotic.
5. I mean she returned without needing princess Luna's body as ah vessel for petes sake. - "princess" is a title and should be capitalized. Again, "ah" does not mean "a". The "Pete" in the expression "Pete's sake" is a person, so that should be capitalized too. Otherwise, I like the exposition here.
This is a question so it should have a question mark, but I just wanted to say that I love how Rarity is concerned more about the state of the castle than anything else. XD
It is never necessary to announce the perspective in which a scene or story is written. The reader will determine this as soon as they start reading. Specifying the perspective breaks immersion.
In general, you don't need to specify the character or the location either, unless this is a specific framing device you are trying to employ consistently. However, I would say it isn't necessary. A written story is not a movie or a video game - the reader doesn't need visual information dumps. (You can include them for a style, but you don't necessarily need them to tell the story).
In fact, I would just open this section straight into the narration. I'd probably do it like this:
Italics are a common way to express a character's inner thoughts without them speaking them aloud. I also took some liberties with the text justification to make this part seem disjointed and separate from the main text, creating a dreamlike feel, reminiscent of someone waking up.
Note that this section makes the infodump entirely unnecessary, since it contains all of the information from it - we know that this is an unknown character, we know where they are (they refer to a battle, which we've just seen), and we can see it's in first person.
Hope some of this information is useful!
10782895
Thanks I will look into that. The ending in "," action thing will take a while to implement properly. But I will try to do it. Also thanks for pointing out the grammer and structure mistakes. As I failed to see them in my many editing runs.
If you want a character suggestion get Luna involved sooner than later.
Why is this already on hiatus?
10791368
I had it set to hiatus as a cautionary measure. For when I don't update for a long time. The updates are going to slow down soon, as I work on planning and execution. As well as to giving time to go back, and fix any mistakes that I can find in earlier chapters.
But seeing as I am currently working on it, I will take it off for now.
10786739
I will see what I can do to add luna in sooner.
I'm wondering how ticked will she be when she discovers her sister is trying to keep her in the dark. Considering hogging the limelight whether she meant to or not was how she lost her sister in the first place.
10809992
I am still working that part out. We will what happens.
Is it bad that I would have shot her just to end the nagging?
Monk
“A spider’s got to spider.” -Scarheart
Ok, just caught up to this one.
So far, I'm liking this one. While it's not perfect, its still a fun read, and I'm definitely looking forward to more.
I read a comment from the Author on another story saying that he isn't a very good writer. In my opinion he is not that bad at all.
While I do complain that the character nags like a angry teenager, The character IS supposed to be young, and so not much I can say about it.
So acting like a morbid goth teen, is in character for a young version of Night Mare Moon.
Oh, and you get points for not making it a HIE story, those are a dime a dozen, but there really aren't many of these versions.
Very much looking forward to more.
The Monk
“Puberty was a curse for those inflicted with it, and boundless amusement for others who survived the process.” -Scarheart
10811588
I agree. This is good. Plus there aren't enough nightmare moon child stories.
10822916
I agree. Not enough good ones.
As for this latest update, I do like it, My only complaint is the conversation after nightmare moon leaves. Starting at
It seems really off in some way to me. Might be the lack of commas making it read oddly. Not sure.
I advise the Author to leave it alone, but down the road if you ever clean up the earlier chapters, you may want to redo that conversation.
Over all, well done.
Monk
"He's witnessing an honest to god catfight. While it would be entertaining, Weiss doubts either of them would appreciate being splashed with mud, then expected to wrestle until their problem is solved" -Shadestyle
10860525
I agree that it is good. Finding something to complain about is hard.
need more