An Average Day
A/N: Well hello there, good reader. This fic isn’t exactly inspired by anything, but I suppose I wrote it because I’ve been
asked for “Creative Input” for the last few weeks. I guess has driven me to write a fic of my own. It’s my first, so criticism is
welcome. Expect the worst. xD
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You are regular. Everything about you, your life, and your hobbies, are just regular. Nothing more, nothing less. But you were content. Life was easy, you can get average grades in school without trying, you played your fair share of sports, and you can hold a conversation. Oh, and you were obsessed with a TV show called My Little Pony. Still normal, right? To state the obvious, you hadn’t told anyone. If people knew you liked that show, you’d be dubbed homosexual for the rest of your life! Yeah, no. You were just fine with being a closet brony. But sometimes, things happen in people’s lives that isn’t so normal. And oh, were you were in for it.
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The sound of your favorite song interrupts your slumber, causing you to groan and slap the “off” button on your alarm clock. Reluctantly, you crawl out of the warm bliss of your bed and get ready to face the boring day that is sure to come. Quickly washing off any remnants of sleep from your appearance, you walk downstairs to eat breakfast. Another boring day. You sigh. Hearing the school bus pulling up outside your house, you quickly take your last bites and head outside.
You pick an empty seat near some of your friends and reach into your bag to pull out your treasured iPod. Hitting shuffle, you put the device in your pocket and proceed to do what you do every day. Stare out the window. You sigh to yourself yet again and rest your arm on the window. You hear the “Smile Song” come on and you can’t help but feel a little gleeful. That happiness is quickly drained as one of your earpieces is swiped out of your ear.
“Hey dude what are you listening to?” One of your friends says, putting the earpiece in his ear. You watch in silent horror as his face turns from one of disgust to one of amusement. He burst out laughing. “Pahahaha! You’re a BRONY? That’s so... GAY!” he says throwing the earpiece back at you. You are at a loss for words, to say the least. “HEY EVERYONE! THIS KID HERE,” He yells, pointing at you. “LIKES MY LITTLE PONY!” Most of the kids on your bus burst out into uncontrollable laughter. You do your best to slink down as far as you can into your chair.
Your mind is put into mental breakdown mode, still processing what just happened. Okay, everyone knows I’m a brony now. What do I do? I can move to a deserted mountain! Or maybe kill everyone on the bus! Suicide isn’t out of the picture either... You bury your face in your arms. My life is over, I will never be happy again. Your thoughts are interrupted by a rough shaking of the bus. Latching onto the seatbelts below you, you hold on for dear life as the bus is rocked in all directions. The shaking comes to a stop and you fall to an abrupt stop.
“Ugh... Wha- What just happened?” You hear the green unicorn in a nearby seat say. Wait a minute. GREEN UNICORN
You double take and rub your eyes to make sure you aren’t seeing things. Then, another white colt rises from the floor.
“WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU?” He shouts, pointing a shaking hoof at you. He seems to notice his distinct lack of hands. “WHAT THE FUCK AM I?” You looked down at your hands. Or at least where your hands used to be. Replacing it was a set of hooves. Mixed feelings. For starters, you were ecstatic that you are a pony and probably in Equestria! On the other hand, you had no idea why or how you were. Looking around, you could tell that everyone else has become a pony as well. Confused even more, you look out the window to see absolute darkness other than wide expanse of flat surface, which has a grey shade to it.
“Exhibit A, right here. You see that? It’s easy as that to cross dimensions. And now that I’ve taken over Equestria, I can continue to spread my Chaos elsewhere.” a familiar voice boasted.
“You won’t get away with this, Discord!” was that... Rainbow Dash? You mentally squeed with joy at the thought of seeing your favorite pony. But your thoughts trailed back to what Discord had said... He had taken over Equestria? But how? What happened to the the Elements of Harmony? Was the rest of the Mane 6 with her? a flurry of questions went through your head.
“Why, I already have. Take a look around you. Do you see the your precious town of Ponyville anymore? No. Do you have the Elements of Harmony to stop me? No. Do you have your little friends anymore? No. You have nothing left, and you say you’re going to stop me? Please, entertain me.” Discord stated mockingly, a devious grin growing on his face. You pushed aside one of your pony classmates and looked out the window for a sign of Rainbow Dash. Sure enough, she and the villianous figure stood a few meters apart, the former with a sorrowful look on her face. She began to trot away from Discord when she spotted the bus you and your dumbstruck classmates. You give a friendly wave and smile in her direction and she looks at you quizzically. You motion for her to come toward the bus with a wave of your hand, er... hoof. Making a quick flight over to the bus, you crawl out the emergency window to meet your idol.
“Oh my gosh, is it really you, Rainbow Dash?” the inner fanboy inside you talking.
“Uhh...” She begins, obviously confused, “Yep, in the flesh!” The sheer excitement taking over your mind, you blurt out the first thing that pops in your head,
“YOU’RE SO AWESOME!” her countenance wore an expression of surprise, before she burst out into hysterical laughter. You realize the stupidity of what you said and look down at your hooves. Clearing your throat and straightening your poise, you intend to get some answers.
“Where is everyone else?” You say. Your seriousness catches Rainbow off guard, who is still rolling on the floor laughing.
“What do you mean?” She says, still trying to regain her composure. She seems to remember the situation at hand and sighs. “Right. I don’t know. But I assume my friends as well as the rest of Ponyville are either dead or imprisoned somewhere.” She looked longingly into the distance.
“I...” Oh crap, What am I supposed to say to that?” “I... Wha... How?” you managed to say.
“Discord’s back. He did THIS to Equestria, and took everypony away.” Rainbow stated bluntly.
“What about you?” you inquired.
“Hm?”
“Why weren’t you taken?”
“Well, you said it yourself! I’m the super awesome Rainbow Dash and he couldn’t catch up to me!” She says, puffing out her chest. “Can’t say the same for everyone else, though...” You place a comforting hoof on her shoulder and she looks at you thankfully.
“Is there anything we can do?” You ask hopefully.
“Not really, no.” There was a brief silence as you think of what to say to that.
“If it makes you feel any better, whatever we have to do to get you friends back, I’d do it. For you.” She looks at you with a questioning gaze, “A-and for the good of Equestria!” you quickly add on. Dash giggles and punches you in the arm as a “thank you”.
“Where are you from? I haven’t seen you in Ponyville before.”
“Well, I uh...” Should I tell her about being a human? But what if she freaks out! “You see...” you are interrupted by a flash of light, followed by Discord appearing where it once was.
“Well well, it looks like you’ve made a friend! How adorable. Now, I have a proposition for you ponies. I’ve devised a little game for you to play. Oh how fun it will be! As you are well aware, I am capable of cross-dimensional actions. And so, there are 6 dimensions to travel to! In each, you’ll have to find one of the 6 Elements of Harmony and its pathetic embodiment. Exciting! Once you have all 6 and your little friends regrouped, then you can use your magical friendship to destroy me. Sound simple enough?” I don’t get it. He’s just letting us take back Equestria? Just like that?
“I accept your little game, Discord.” Rainbow Dash states. A devilish grin began spreading across his face. He snaps his fingers and you appear in a regular looking Equestria. Behind you, a dozen ponies begin to scream. You had managed to forget about your classmates until now. You’re going to have a lot of explaining to do...
“One small thing,” Discord began, “Everything in every dimension is going to want to kill you. Now have fun!” He snaps as fingers and disappears.
Well, this isn’t going to be good.
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A/N: So what’d you think? Terrible? I agree! In all seriousness, please leave a rating and your response in the comment section below. I’d accept all criticism! How is the pacing? How is the grammar? How is the spelling? How is the plot? Tell me everything! Also, do you mind if the first mini paragraph and the description are the same? And of course, the most important question, should I continue? If you guys don’t like where it’s going I can end it right here and right now. Thanks for reading!
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Hey everypony. The title is a work in progress, so don't judge.
If you see any formatting errors/missing indent, let me know. I'm pretty new to FimFic. Let me know if I'm missing any tags too. I'm thinking about changing the description too, since it's not really interesting unless you hit "more". And that's way too much to ask from people. 
Also, I'd really like to heard your feedback! Thanks!
You need to be careful about sticking to one perspective- "You looked down at my hands. Or at least where my hands used to be" can be confusing!
1214638 Thanks for pointing that out xD Thanks for the advice.
Well, I for one, am enjoying this. It's a lot less cliche than most teenage-brony in equestria fics.
Has to be said though, fimfiction readers tend to loath second person perspective. Learned that one the hard way. Looks like you might learn it that way too, we'll see...
Grammar's decent, but you bucked up on some 2nd person things 'you look at my hands.'
And although I find it a bit lacking in detail, how many times do we need to read about *exactly* how furry their new forelegs are, anyway?
Also, your 'friend' is a dick. And he's also a brony, since he could so easily recognize the smile song.
img33.imageshack.us/img33/5764/likethischapter.jpg
1214651 Yeah xD You're not the only one who noticed the issue with the mess up in perspective, but fear not! It has been fixed. But thanks for the positive feedback and criticism! I assume the reason he could recognize it would be "Come on everypony, Smile smile smile!"
1214651
Is it really this bad? I rather enjoy them. Hearing that 2nd person fics are loathed comes as quite a surprise...
1214651 I love 2nd person stories.
1214670>>1214717>>1214651
On the topic of Second Person stories, I love them and it seems a large amount of the public does as well since a bunch of second person fics go in the feature box. Although I can see why some people wouldn't really be in to them.
1214670 1214717 1214745 Well I wrote one -as an experiment- and everyone openly hated it just for being 2nd person. The reason makes sense, as I was told, it's because it becomes difficult for the reader to connect with the main character, and tends to hinder the main char's development as well. Personally, I'm probably never going to do 2nd person ever again. Though, as a reader, I don't find it to be that big of a deal, honestly. In fact, one of my all time fav HiE fics is 2nd person. Whatever floats your boat, just giving you fair warning.
Oh, and thanks for the watch, yellowdonut. Read my fics, you'll like them
1214745
Well hello there FlutterDashFTW
Time to review!
1) Brony in Equestria... well, I suppose you gotta start somewhere, but this really has been done about 15 million times, and every one of them seem to fall into some of the same pitfalls. Here are a few I found in yours: Brony doesn't react like a normal human being (i.e. panicked) when entering Equestria, Brony doesn't act like a normal human being (i.e. terrified) upon being turned into a pony, Brony is instantly accepted by one of the main characters (in this case, Dash), Brony ends up in a relationship with one of the main characters (again, Dash). All this usually adds up to a boring Sue or Stu, which is where your character seems to be heading.
2) I have nothing against second person, but it's incredibly difficult to do because there's a good chance the reader won't agree. For example, as awesome as Dash is, she's not my favorite pony. On a more fundamental level, I'm not in high school, nor was I a Brony in high school, so I can't really connect with that detail. There's a reasonable level of suspension of disbelief, but it's really hard to pull off with second person.
3) The premise itself is interesting - dimension hopping to find the Elements. I do have to wonder which dimensions you plan on entering, though, and how many crossovers will be involved. Again, I've nothing against crossovers, but each new universe adds another layer of potential confusion for those who don't know what you're talking about as well as another layer of potential rage from those who do know and disagree with your interpretation. Or maybe you're going a different route and that mini-rant was all for nothing.
4) Your punctuation and grammar looked okay to me. You're missing a few indents, though.
Hope that helps!
This is really good.
Make more chapters.
1215147
I see. Thanks for the feedback, and I'll try to work on some things.
1215167
xD Thanks, Pia.
Good enough for me. Don't let me down, laddie.
I think your story is great so far! Its funny tht Ive been able to make so many references to my life while reading this! Execpt for the going to equestria part
. Ive only found some errors with punctuation so far and would be happy to pre-read your chapters if you're looking for someone to do that. But other than that I strongly encourage you to continue your story! O and by the way, be sure to make the character a Pegasus, before its too late!
1216425
Don't take it personally or anything. You should read my blog post about this story, though.
That's great! Awesome you can relate to the main character so far. I try to make it as vague as possible so people can relate their OC with the main character. That's part of the reason I won't be naming what type of pony he is. Thanks for your offer, but I don't really need/want a pre-reader.
1215824
Thanks, I'll try my best
>> Crucifix
Allright! Ya sorry if I confused u with the part about making him a pegasus. I had only mentioned that because I thought it would make sense to do that so 'the character' would be able to keep up with dash while on the run. So if you hadnt thought about that already you might want to watch out for how you 'word' certain scenes. But ya, good luck on the story!
It seems I haven't gotten to say something yet....Hi also keep up the good work :3
For Chapter 1 - An Average Day
I have some critisicm to give. (Might be a bit harsh. But, it is okay right?)
Grammar and spelling critisicm is HERE!
"remnants" is umm... weird saying. I would instead prefer something else. Like "dirt", "eyecandy" or something less complicated for a simple thing.
I have noticed that while through the story. You have said things like that. It makes me confuse a bit. Because, at this sentence. I feel like I am looking at your hands rather than mine. There maybe some other mistakes like this as well.
And, that "set of hooves" was really weird. This whole part can be like "You look down to your hands and legs. But, instead. Your hands and legs were replaced with hooves." Or at least something like this.
I don't know why you have wrote the underlined part. I got confused like "Was that a narrating or my thought?". So, that was unnecessary.
Simple spelling mistake here. It should have been "your".
Now, I will give my rating for this chapter.
Idea - 4/5 - The idea itself seems a bit decent. But, you have to make it a less... predictable. I can imagine what is gonna happen from here. It needs to be unique.
Pacing - 3/5 - This was a bit rushed. If I take out your author's notes. It goes to 1'381 words. Which is really short. Even though with the notes. It is still short. For your type of story. The average word limit for each chapter has to be at least 2'000 without the description and author's notes. And, that draws interest a lot. Adventure category leads to many words. I wrote my first chapter with like 4'000 words.
Grammar/Spelling - 4/5 - The misspelling and grammar mistakes takes some points out of this. But, I don't mind them that much. So, 4/5 for it.
Overall - Not bad for a first story. Because, some first stories make the reader feel like getting trolled. Idea wasn't that much of a problem. But, needs to be more unique. Pacing was a bit rushed. You have to add some more moments, feelings, thoughts and other things. I say that this chapter can have like 3'000 - 4'000 words. Grammar and Spelling kinda confused me at some parts. But, pretty good for a first story.
So, I give this chapter a 4/5!
To be honest, I enjoyed this and I would have wanted it to continue.
And, I can help you with continuing this story as well.
Wish you luck in further writing!
1317996
Finally! Someone with actual critique!
remnants(noun) - A small remaining quantity of something. Meaning any signs that you had just been sleeping.
Could have sworn I fixed that...
I was thinking the same thing when I wrote it. I'll most likely change it.
Thanks for pointing it out.
Idea - Good point, I'll try to make some unexpected things happen to keep people reading.
Pacing - Good to know. I'll work on it...
Grammar/Spelling - Meh. It's what I get for deciding to write this at 3 AM.
Overall - Thanks! Personally, I've been surprised by the positive feedback. I thought it was garbade, to be honest. xD If you couldn't tell, I'm terrible at intros, so I can assume the following chapters will contain a much higher word count.
Thanks again for the advice, I really need to start writing again... Stupid school.
1320831
Yep, blame stupid school. It is getting in my way as well. And, that cursed homework as well.
I am glad that I have helped. And, that "remnants" I didn't know that. Sorry.
And, if you need some several minor ideas. Like those small moments and feelings. I can also try to think about it more, focus. And, then I can give you some ideas as well. But, I can't edit though. Sorry.
And, I have read the comments here. I can see that only 2 person besides me gave you some critique. And, they are all ideas. That is an useful critique. Very useful.
Also, writing your first story as a 2nd person? That is quite a challenge. But, if you pull it off. It will be positive. But, it can also backfire on you. Because, right now. You have 21 likes now. (I liked it of course. Including it.)
Because, 2nd person fics attract attention as well. Because, even though theRedBrony, ScribbleStick isn't interested in it. They were still here. Which is why your story attracts attention. And, I am glad you didn't screw it up. Because, if you did. Your account, story. Will be destroyed by TWE.
It is a group that whenever there is a bad story. They harass it.
Oh well, this comment is gonna be long one.
As you can see, this 2nd person fiction. It is difficult for the reader to connect with. But, if you add a good intro. It is not a problem. You can just start like
You are/was/will be a college student. And, you are now waking up... and...
And, you can go on like that. Of course, I can think of better intros as well. I just picked the basic one.
But, the real problem is... the character's personality. It is hard for the reader to continue. As you can see, some people's personalities are different. And, they will be like "Hey, that's not what I would do if I was here."
BUT! I have a difficult but, awesome way to write 2nd person fics. Which will be the perfect way. I promised myself to only write like that myself. But, I can't be selfish. I am PM-ing you.
P.S. Garbage? Nah. If it was. Why would it have 21 likes? (One of them is mine.)
After all, it is turning out better than mine. If I just release the second chapter today, I will be able to get some likes. But, right now? Nope. Mine has worse ratings. Even though it is 4'000 words. But, many people favorited it. So, that means Adventure stories will have to be long and many chapters.
Wait, isn't your story Adventure? Doesn't it involve Discord? Woah. Our stories are a bit similar. If you are interested. You can check it. Here.
1 dislike vs 23 kinda tells everything about your storry
o and here are some moustaches 
1359266
But thanks!
Well, the Brony community is pretty awesome.