• Member Since 11th Jan, 2021
  • offline last seen Jul 1st, 2023

A random pony oc

The absolute most random pony you'll ever meet. :>

A random pony oc Joined 11th Jan, 2021 · Offline

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Twilight was living happily with her friends, but until Sombra tries to unleash the darkness within her. Little did both of them know an lurking evil was hidden right under their noses. After all they've been through, they should know how to bow down to their tyrant, right?

And Mystia is the perfect fit for that.

Edited by Relux_the_Relux. Go check him out!
Chapters (8)
Complete Published: Jan 22nd, 2021 Download
6,381 words
Comments ( 12 )
Mystic Sunrise
Mystic Sunrise #2 · Jan 23rd, 2021 · · · Chapter 2 Mystia Toll ·
Reply

Oh boy. The description is a mess. And that goes the same for the Short Description. That's never a good sign for a story. Let alone someone's first.

Comment posted by A random pony oc deleted Jan 23rd, 2021
A random pony oc
A random pony oc #4 · Jan 25th, 2021 · · · Chapter 2 Mystia Toll ·
Reply

I'm sorry if it cringy, or anything. I try to fix that and try to update weekly. No promises though. Thanks for telling me what I did wrong!

Relux_the_Relux
Relux_the_Relux #5 · Feb 19th, 2021 · · · Chapter 1 Corruption ·
Reply

Btw do you want an editor? I would love to help you.

Anyway, some grammar mistakes I found.

Twilight groan as she wake up in darkness. She was confused why she was here or where she was. But a little part of her mind that even she can't access did remember. In fact it was still in it. She was stuck in place for now but that did not matter for now until she finds a way to get back to her friends. She can tell Celestia and Luna about this later too. If she ever get out of this place that is.

Should be groaned and woke. There should be a comma after "in fact". You use "for now" twice in a row consider removing the second one. Also, it should be "gets".

"No Twilight, get it together! You are not going to be stuck here forever..." she said. Then she realized she can just use her magic to teleport. But then it failed. Then she tried to fly away but it still didn't work. She only remember this type of magic in the Crystal Empire when she was foolish enough not check for traps and got stuck. She was thankful Spike force himself to come. Without him, a whole empire would be lost because of her. What surrounded her was darkness, of course but something felt off. A feeling of dark energy flooded the room as it washed over Twilight wave after wave. All of this reminded her of one thing

Should be "remembered". There is a "to" missing before check. Should be "forced". There is a comma missing after "of course" and the last sentence is also missing a dot.


Also, Paragraphs after "Sombra" are missing line breaks making them hard to read.

Relux_the_Relux
Relux_the_Relux #6 · Feb 19th, 2021 · · · Chapter 2 Mystia Toll ·
Reply

"You know, I doing Twilight a favor too when I think about it. You were about to enslave her in the Crystal Empire when really Cadance saved the day. Spike only carried the Crystal heart, besides he could have eaten it at any time.That only my opinion." she said, closing the gap for even a tinest escape Sombra could have. She then used her magic to start to break Sombra mental defenses he could have put up to save at least his mental health. Too bad. He should of had ended the dream while he had a chance. Anyways she started tormenting his mind with voices like needles and he started to cry a little bit while sniffing.

"am" is missing in "I am doing". Space missing before "That" and a "is" after it. Should be "tiniest". "should have" not "should of".

"No please....stop." he pleaded to no one. Mystia wasn't done though, as her started to actually scar him. By this point he was a shivering mess. He was also in a manipulate shape good enough for her.

Ellipsis should be 3 dots, not 4. As "she started" not "her started". Also, there is a comma missing after "point".

He wasn't regular pony though. He a monster who about to bow down to another one. A real Monster. Queen of monsters who was trapped.

"a" missing before regular pony. "was" missing in "He was a monster".

"Feeling better? You will be in the north next to the Crystal Empire. I will enslave Pony vile so we can take over The North." she said. Sombra nodded and Mystia ended the dream.

Ponyville.

Also, again paragraphs are missing line breaks.

Relux_the_Relux
Relux_the_Relux #7 · Feb 19th, 2021 · · · Elements of Disharmony 2 ·
Reply

Twilight sat in nothing. She did nothing. She didn't even move. But her brain was rushing with thoughts while she look on a screen. The screen who was showing her what happening in the real world and what's Mystia doing. But anyways, one thought was the main one.

"looked at a screen". "which" not who.

She always wondered why she would trap her in a place like this. She thought this because as Sombra threw the dark magic at her, that voice said-
"Goodbye Twilight. Wasn't even good even being in you." It sounded like she had a bit of remorse.

"was" is missing in "this was because". Also, remove the "the".

Rarity was working on a special dress for Fancy Pants in the afternoon. Sweetie Belle was off with the cutie mark crusaders for "Tree planting cutie marks". Twilight and her friends keep on telling them hints about their cutie mark but they never listen. Oh Twilight..... Then someone knocked on the door on Rarity's door which interrupted Rarity thoughts. She stood up where she was working and walked up to the door to open to Rainbow Dash and AppleJack.

Cutie Mark Crusaders should be capitalized. there is a comma missing after "Oh". Also, a 's missing in "Rarity's thoughts".

"Why hello there darlings. Why are you here?" she asked.

There needs to be a dash after why and a comma after hello there.

"We just wanted to talk for a second." said Applejack and Rainbow together. Rarity thought this were weird because their
vicious rivalry they would have tried to jinx eachother but she just shrugged it off for now and let them in. They sat down on the living room couch while Rarity sat down too. They sat in silence before Rarity started off the talk.

It should be a comma after "second", not a dot. "was" and "there" instead of "were" and "their". Also, there is a space missing in "each other".

"So.. What did you want to talk about ."

Questions should end with a question mark.

"Why helllllllllo Twilight." she said. "What bring you here today?"

Commas instead of dots. Also, it should be "brings".

Also again with line breaks missing.

A random pony oc
A random pony oc #8 · Feb 19th, 2021 · · · Elements of Disharmony 2 ·
Reply

10686377
Thanks for pointing out what I did wrong. I try my best not to do them again. :twilightsheepish:

A random pony oc
A random pony oc #9 · Feb 20th, 2021 · · · Chapter 1 Corruption ·
Reply

10686338
I would love to have you as an editor! Also thanks for proposing! Now all I need to do is find how to make you one... :facehoof:

Relux_the_Relux
Relux_the_Relux #10 · Feb 21st, 2021 · · · Thy Cake Is Thou Lie! ·
Reply

10687656

Putting someone as an editor for a story is not a setting in Fimfiction. It just means that you send the chapter to them beforehand so that they can check for errors and such. Generally, Feel free to PM me so that we can talk more about it.

I pretend to go through the current chapter in more detail during this week.

P.S. Chapter 3 is also still missing some line breaks.

A random pony oc
A random pony oc #11 · Feb 21st, 2021 · · · Thy Cake Is Thou Lie! ·
Reply

10688934
Oh.
All the things that I can say to myself and I say, Oh.

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