Sometimes you just have to break T̶̝͐ḩ̴̎ḙ̴̃ ̶̫́L̸͎̊a̷̤̿w̷͕̔s̷͓͘ ̵̚ͅo̵͔͑f̴̯͆ ̷̫̏P̸͇̚h̴͇̄y̶̗͐s̸͕͘i̵͖̒c̷̹̽s̵̀͜
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After a long day at work Marcus just wanted to play the new Mlp game that's been released but instead he's been sucked into the game along with every other player that logged into the servers during the opening day and now he has to deal with dark gods, bandit kings, abominations of all kinds, and worst of all... drama.
Here's hoping he gets to a high enough level to be able to deal with it all.
Inspired by qwefg and his story Equestrian Landings but not in the same universe.
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Interesting first start, I am happy to see someone picking up that concept again, the HiE where they think it's a games summoned by unknown entities, and I am happy to see that you are taking your own spine on it, with the idea of a corrupting ability tree and generating a corrupted cutie mark for it. At the moment Archane Hope comes off as the one ab hero, I think this monster forest will fix that up or will overblown his ego to obnoxious levels, so this to could take interesting terns. The Twines I can't say much at the moment, other that the brother seems to have a ship on his shoulder, and Archans seems to be nervous around him to en extent. the sister seems to be the more competent of the three at least for cooking, which is a very useful skill to have in making new acquaintances in the middle of now where where everyone is starving; a bit typical for guys not to know how to cook but could serve to show swinging weapons and magic aren't as useful as actual wilderness survival skills.
The overall Writing isn't bad, it just massively is missing a LOT of punctuation's with how really long your sentences are, you might want to use a text to speech program like Balabolka which is very useful to hear out, your sentence structure, which again it's really only your punctuation that is really suffering at the moment. Other tips I would also make don't put extensive description of skill one next to the other with needless stats description one or twice in the chapter is fine, would still need to shorter through and hearing what the protagonist think of these abilities are useful or not before piking them would help see some insights on how he thinks or his priorities, but you where really starting to get a hang of it at the end of the chapter with the black tendril. On that same note, you manage pretty well with the descriptions, but it lacks the extra twist of adding an undertone on what he thinks of feel about the situation just to add that extra subjective undertone for the reader to understand him. If you manage that you get a good engagement from the readers.
Also, if you are ever interested to know, I was the artist how did the last cover art for Equestrian landing for qwefg and I was a proofreader and editor for him at the last few chapters. If you are ever looking to commission a cover art for you story PM, you can go see my DeviantArt Gallery Here and my youtube channel here.
Here is a demo of some of my speedpainting:
Oh didn't noticed the third chapter published so soon. overall even better then the last one, with an extra chilling effect to learn that a former human was eaten by that creature to drive the point home that his isn't a kids show at all. Arthurs behavior interesting he sounds like self entitle boyfriend or sibling who can't get his shit together and shift blame on everyone but himself just to avoid and expects to be served on demand by Morgans. nothing good will come from this until he gets his own wake-up call. I think the next chapter might need some introspection on what they had just lived through and will probably. But, you did a much better job at explaining what Archan is feeling at the moment, and it's interesting that he has trouble standing up for Morgana instead of letting her being used as rug by Arthur which shows some of the character growth he will haft to improve upon and not let himself be intimidated by others when faced with an injustice, which to think back on his old job he was being berated by a brat at his job so that will probably be a running theme with him. I wonder if her ran away from the other because he panic in that moment.
Good luck on your next chapter
well, I'm interested, although I have a couple of things that I don't like, that
"Arcane Hope" wasn't the only one that ended up in ... that version of equs?
I like the way they get their knowledge, instead of just using the skill, the skill gives you the knowledge of how to use it, I really like it.
Very tell-y, and you switched between third and first person.
Indications are solid that this MMO wasn’t funded by EA though, so hopefully it’s deeper than the average microtransaction-bait!
I'm curious, can players only choose the three pony races or can they choose any of the races, minus a certain few that are a given, they want? Like can someone choose a griffin or a dragon as a character? Also can all species use magic?
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Don’t worry, that’s going to actually come up later hehe
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Oh cool. Cause I was just thinking it would be a boring game with only three things to pick for race. I personally would choose a griffin
Over all, this is an interesting story, however, it can really use an editor. There are numerous punctuation errors and sentences that are awkwardly written.
Still, it's good enough to follow. I can't wait for more.
Hum, this was a definite improvement over the earlier chapter. While missing punctuation's are still an issue, with really long unbroken sentences that took nearly the whole paragraph before, it's a lot less rampant then it was before, I would still recommend using a text to speech program to better help you to detect those break points. On the emotional side, it's also a lot less stiff then before, adding a little more focusing on the protagonist's opinion/feeling on a situation, like fining wild crab apples, or the heart to heart with Morgana, or how miserable everyone was, which felt a lot easier to be in his horsehoes and empathize/relate with him. While I did felt that Morgana spilled her guts to Marcus a little too quickly, despite I can perfectly understand why, I feel there could have been a little coaxing in trying to get her trust.
From what we can gather this MLP game was true for the twins as well as Marcuse, so that is one consistency with how they all got there, so part of the answer can be found in that, unless their get a different story form others. What was the games themes and setting in the descriptions before they started playing it?
From what I can see Marcus' magic or skill doesn't relate at all with his physical or mental situation it just replenish itself like that, just like his skill tree, I wonder if it's power that is in, so there is a magic affecting his very being, why would anyone want to do that to a bunch of people, sending them to another world giving them and powers that most beings don't naturally have and why bother make it obvious choice in the skill tree has a corrupting effect on them, why even give them the choice at all or not both to hide it?
Sending people to another world and in different bodies without warning or goal, or have anyone to rally behind or against, doesn't help anyone in particular and would sow discord with in the group hampering any chance for a structure to form or a reason for each of them to want to stick together and with a number of them thinking this is still a game, it sounds more that everything was meant to fall apart right from the start. My best guess would be that they are all unwittingly sent to create chaos in Equestia or any other nation they all stumble into with powers that most ponies can't match in normal circumstances, without this skill tree ability, it will naturally lend itself for the players to get a faux sense of superiority and create a sense of entitlement of might makes right reasoning for them, which is easier to fall into then what most would think if they have a clear edge over others.
Looking forward to the next chapter
Not only the person, but also the tenses, and odd comma usage… the erratic grammar is very distracting.
I'm honestly surprised this story doesn't have more attention. It's honestly one of the better fics I've read in about a year or so. Keep up the good work friend.
Great chapter I have no more complaints on the punctuation's, everything is pretty much breathable and understandable now. I might suggest going through the first two chapter once again, to do justice to the story you are tying to tell. But I wouldn't want you through a spiral of endless edits trying to seek an unobtainable perfection, which I have seen too many writers lose interest in their stories right before they said they would just do that.
It was interesting to see what happened to the earlier groups of human and they they were also immediately attacked just as they kept on arriving and that something destroyed the pile of weapons there was, I wonder if they was meant to make sure not everyone has the same advantages as the others just to keep things as unbalanced between all of them to feed resentment on the others? I wonder why pegasus were so rare compared to Earth pony and unicorns was it because their seemed to be a lot more better stats for them or was it that most of them didn't get the chance to pick and just ended up being 'given' a pony body? So we have three confirmed corroborating stories on how they arrived there so there is a patterned to all of this, now we just need to know if they all have the same skill tree UI. It was a shame That Nimbus friends bugged out and left him to fend for himself, I might just put it on shock at their situation with barely able to move around on their own and their flight instincts took over in such a chaotic situation and it would be just a case of panic and didn't meant to abandoned him, lets home they can mend relations later on. But on the other hand, sense they had the chance to get some equipment for themselves it sounds like they had a little time to get to grips with the situation and should have been prepared to whatever was coming while defenseless people ponies that could kill them before they even have a chance to get to grips. I guess you don't know if you know what it takes to fight until you are confronted with it. I wonder what's happening to Moregana, I hope it's not the same case as Stardust in Equestrian landing, it would add a lot of complication to the situation, if that is the case then would it be the same issue with her brother
I wonder if some players still think they are in a game and think that no one actually die in what's happening, with how surreal that they just appeared as another species, I wonder if they see the world like they were actually in the show line in the LoE game or is does it look nitty gritty for them?
Looking forward to the next chapter, good luck.
Fun
Can I please get a link?
I remember when my own Wisdom teeth, it was a pain for nearly a week. Interesting chapter not much. The writing for the action scene wasn't bad at all, it wasn't slow or drawn out or lacking in detail or too tedious, with a fairly good feeling of the danger. I could say the choice of words could benefit of getting more visceral and imagery descriptions and emotions, but I think you will managed to reach it on your own. Not much in the character development or personal struggles to show the desperation of the situation but that's just me. I am surprised that he didn't try to use his point system to get an extra edge in the fight or use any of the corrupting magic. So I take it is was a relatively easy win for them once they where completely caught off guard by the creature so it didn't warrant panic choices for them, I wonder if it will stay that way for long. I wonder how the score point work to know that they creature was worth x amount of points or how it allows them to have better skills, do they already have all the strength within their pony bodies and just need to progressively unlock them with each time they use their power like a limiter, could they break it and be at max level immediately? Or do they steal or drain something from the creature, and if they can do the same with each other? Do they still think it's a game virtual world, or something else? we haven't really scene them contemplating their situation they are in as such, I wonder why? Could they have something in their mind that prevent them to think about it or is it unconsciously drift away?
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Here you go
https://www.fimfiction.net/story/290323/equestrian-landings
Marcus the Muddy, Master Mage of Mankind’s Multitudes.
Amusing pictures earn unicorns silly titles.
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Yes!
That is perfect! I might even give him Muddy Mage as his first title
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Is that what the wisp looks like?
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For now yes, it’s like a flickering silver flame but as the skill levels it will change and every once in a while I’ll show how it would look at its current level
he may be forced into the role of leader but he seems to be doing good at it so far
nice art. Sorry for not commenting on the last few chapter been very busy and exhausted. It was nice to get them to finally meetup with other players groups at least some of them, there are probably others too. I wonder if that other group that we get to see will become the mirror reflection of theirs and the coming event we will soon see will start to diverge to a dark path, all over a choice they did and that he could have just easily have done the same choice or didn't hesitate and become prominent minor antagonists? I wonder if the bandits could also be players or at least some of them were pressed into working with them on pain of death? are they even ponies or some other race too? Well we haven't had any frame of reference in what time they have arrived in Equestria, we haven't seen the moon so they could be in the ball park of a thousand years, and we haven't encountered any native pony to interact with assuming they can even speak the same language(probably ponish/English) or even if this is Equetria at all with a whole world created to resemble a ponyfied MMORPG and there is nothing that relate to MLP, which in any case it's free for all to what they can do to try to try to get home in some way; my personnel rule everything is subject to abject suspicions what ever they are told the reasons they are there or solutions presented to come back home can simply be away to use a bunch of disorganized over powered individual who have no idea what they are doing, lost and confused and are desperate enough to do anything to get back home. For the most part I would guess their safest option would be to just avoid those groups of raiders and warn whatever militias of what's happening, )assuming they are in turn (mistaken for them with the weapons they carry), or come in and help heal the inhabitants, which they could easily be mistaken for just the same attackers and are chaste away. The only reason I could see them having no choice but to fight if they just so happen to stumble them or that they learn that many of the villagers were captured enclaved or raped and are pressured by the the remaining villagers to rescue them or that they just go the camp to locate it and see what are their numbers weapons supplies and come back to warn local forces (better idea) assuming they don't get captured. The worst choice they could possibly do is to just stupidly attack now without knowing what they are going to face, or have any experience in fighting with medieval weapons or in bodies they aren't familar with, which they probably would, because most of them still think this is a RPG game, which could lead to some interesting results find out who each of them actually as people. Would they want to protect the villagers, would they fight then and chasse them off until they are broken, or would they hunt them down to the last, which to be honest I can see good and very bad in all those. Avoid them they would be safe but could be judge for doing nothing with their powers and weapons, and would be seen as cowards and suspicions (even if they warn authorities). If they chaste them, protect until reinforcement arrive(hope fully), away would limit the potential death they could come back later again and slip their throats or just escape retribution from local law enforcement , hunt them down they won't ever be a threat again but they could be scene as being as being just as blood thirsty as the bandits and be attacked in tern by local forces.
The only thing WE THINK they have on their side is that RPG skill trees that gives them an extra edge over maybe the 'native'. This could also be a problem as the skill tree is essentially incentives killing and murdering people; the more you kill the more powerful you become, this can create very nasty people that think all that is important is power and intimidation which unsettling to say the least.
I wonder if the Skill tree will give them a 'mission' with the objective of 'saving' the village with a list of secondary objectives that could both go in light and dark path with would solve the choice if they should go there have.
Looking forward where this could lead to.
So... what's up with the pegasi? They don't control the weather, so they're bad? I'm sorry, but the entire bit at the beginning makes absolutely no sense.
That fire is fuckin brutal
It just accrued to me that the main character has all the makings of a necromancer
Summoning check
Dark magic check
going to be regularly around dead things check
Hey i found this story recently and loved it. I just want to make sure that more chapters are going to be coming out eventually. I would hate to see this die to early.
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Then I’ll happily tell you that I have no intention of stopping this story anytime soon
I was just swamped in college work for a while but everything has calmed down now and I’ll be able to pump out chapters again... hopefully at a higher quality
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If he does become a ‘pseudo’ necromancer then he’s Gonna have to play it in a way that doesn’t make him look evil
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Simple enough he could just the bodies of those bandits
And when not useing them for something he could just have them hide in the woods or something.
Who is HIM
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You don’t want to know
Then what is HIM as a entity Demon God or Eldritch Horror unless he is a Bing so high we can't comprehend HIM
To the point where just being around HIM Causes are total existence to just Stop existing Feeling pain worse in falling to the madness of eldritch horror.
Ember Imbuement with the rock collecting reminds me of a trick from a book I have, Triplet. Now all you n3d are some mini-catapults to make it all complete.
Nice to see an update again, a bit rusty but you see to be getting back in the swing of things quickly enough. I am happy to see that the dude realizes that isn't a game and that peoples/ponies lives are at stake here, after he actually go blood on his hands/hooves. from the looks of it the villagers just accept him as the nominal leaders sense no one stepped up to the plate, which is as good as any to follow. I wonder what are the opinions of the other players on the fight between being shock, disgusted, or having discovering that they had bloodlust within them that they didn't think they had. I think the players would be more trouble to manage for the dude, sense they know that he is just a regular guy and that they each have their way of doing things, like herding a bunch of cats, which I might be wrong if most of them are used to be part of guilds or teamwork games to some degree but would need a lot of convincing, unless he show enough commons or forward thinking, which I am not sure that he does. One important quality for leadership aside for not showing hesitation or indecision, is that he have to be open to input from other for better ideas and show some trust in them that they cam make good decisions on their own. If he starts getting flustered by that or resist everything that is other his leadership can come into question. I wonder how he will learn and adapt from his mistakes that he will inevitably?
I still wonder if this is Equestria or not
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Lemme guess, it's not that one Powerpuff Girls nemesis.
I would've thought Marcus might take note of some of the odd things coming from this "game". Things like the bleeding cuts ("What? This game is rated E, not T!") or how the workings of the world are awfully realistic. And comparisons to Sword Art Online come to mind as I wonder why they weren't told from the beginning what's going on. And thoughts of the mechanics of honey on bread in-game (in SAO).
Btw you do know horses can eat meat? Look it up. Or is it a rule from the gamemakers who maybe didn't know any better? Or it's just Marcus' flub?
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Yes, horses CAN eat meat, but not digest it, they are more interested in the salts in the meat then the protean worth, you can habituate horses to eat meat as well, if they eat too much they will have serious digestion problem which can become a serious heath problem in turn, even die form it, They also don't have the dentistry to actually cut/chew the meat properly, meaning that what ever meat they eat they have to swallow whole; look it up. And yes horse, as well as other ungulates, have been know to kill smaller animals then themselves but it's mostly to compensate for a deficiency in mineral or just being dicks. In the winder Scandinavian countries have been know to feed their hoses with salted fish, and apparently as mentioned before just swallow it whole, and it is assumed that they are more interested in the salt content then the fish themselves.
interesting chapter I wonder WHO those bandits or raiders are, they should have ran off the moment the settle had show any resistance or at least scout out the place to establish the best point to assault. If they have heavy cavalry like the berserk they are probably a bigger organization then that. Unfortunately we still have no frame of reference as the geo political situation of the area, it could be that there were payed to raid a neighboring nation. Though, even with buffed up bodies none of the players are really fighters and should still have have a lot of trouble with a determining attacking them and have already raided, pillaged and killed before, unless they are almost all earth ponies which would have more trouble handling a mix or races like that unprepared.
...Well I certainly think I missed the episodes where those events happened. Did they happen in the comics? I never really read those...
Is this based on SAO?
Holy crap, that scene where he is teleporting all over the place was awesome!
Hum, I wonder why would bandits surrender instead or just break up and running away sense they probably don't have any leverage to negociate their leaving unmolested or strong leadership to keep them together or expect any reinforcement or anyone or nation to pay their ransom?
Not the best at writing fight scenes, you say?
Well, you may be right. But you’re far, far, far from the worst at it. Much farther!
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That is all I can hope for!
Wait....is this implying they can have kids(foals) while in the game? How does the game know who is related to who? Or is it just another way of saying its a unique skill that cant be taught to anyone else?
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Both
Go team work. Well written battle.
They are going to end up with do many mental problems. An interesting story so far looking forward to what happens next Keep up the good work.