Super_Big_Mac
Joined 15th Oct, 2011 ·
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Hopefully, this isn't as bad as I think it might be. Please enjoy!
Well... I like it. A bit short though... But I'll be waiting for the next chapter anyway.
If I may. Im not the one for Clopfics but i do enjoy critiquing .
She closes and latches the door, then pulls the wall-length curtain across the front of the store.
Should be "she Closed and latched the door, pulling the wall length curtain across the front of the boutique "
"and... Rarity's thought processes melted away when she felt her friend's tongue slip into her mouth"
Try not too end into with "And..." it feels to jumpy and it doesn't flow.
Remember to not use "says" its not conversation its writing Said is the right context. same goes for anything that ends the same way.
It really just needs to be smoothed out.
Remember its YOUR fanfic. this is just my opinion
77473
I'd have to agree with the stuff Bon said (plus there's a "What\s" that needs correcting at this point). Still very solid effort, I rated it
what
(Wow, confirmation character is Pinkie. Coincidence?)
Marshmallows
77473 Thanks for pointing that stuff out!
You were shifting between past and present tense in the beginning which makes it difficult to read. Also it generally feels "rushed". Maybe try to involve a little more build up the next time.
But all in all, a solid clopfic.
Bonus points for not posting it in my comments section
77817 Ohmigosh!
Your right!
*Posts next chapter in Draconic Troubles' Comments section*
New chapter's up! It's got some TrixiePie!
Made while listening to *Pour your sugar on me*
i will kindly suggest more if there is none then i WILL RESORT TO FORCE!!
78159 There shall be moar. be patient.
New Chapter, wut, wut!
assets.diylol.com/hfs/4b5/4d3/864/resized/bisonyes-meme-generator-hahahaha-yes-yes-this-is-delicious-6c3e7d.jpg
78804 Thanks, I did my best! (I hope, heh.)
78807
IMO, I say you did very well keep up the good work!
78827 ^_^
U so nice to me! 
77473 To the "ending with 'and' " thing:
I did this to show that what she perceived in the world around her was cut off by the unexpected and quite enjoyable kiss. Would you be able to completely comprehend something thst's going on if you had a girl suddenly kissing you in a deep, passionate way?
Personally, my eyes would cross, roll into my skull, and my knees would stop functioning as my body melted. I know, because I've only had two kisses that I count - one was a french kiss that lasted the entire seven minutes, and the other was a kiss with a girl I really liked but was too afraid to ask out during a game of spin the bottle.
I got the royal shit beat out of me by her brother the day after the game, but it was worth it
You're doing no worse than I am, buddy! Nice shot clop and to the point! Whereas I try to make mine sweeping epics and get bored with it before I get hard...lol.
78940 *Manly fangirl squee*
I wub you!
I wub wub The Back Room, and I totally, totally, wub you with all my 
78948
Hey don't mess up my mane now. I'm in a bit of an emotionally delicate state.
hubworld.com/hubworld/img/shows/my-little-pony/mlpfim-character-fluttershy-large-570x402.jpg
DO IT
78896
I know what you were trying to get at but it just needed to be smoother out
81662
Eh, If I knew how, then I would...
img.ponibooru.org/images/98/984dfb1f429c022ad87d181dec396136
90121 When ever I clop, you kill a pony? Okay, as long as it isn't Fluttershy! She is sexiest pony, after all.
Ok.
There are a lot of issues here. If you really want, I can probably point out some of them.
BUT
This is hilarious. Please don't be mad, but I think some of the 'issues' make it even more funny. Like Evil Dead or Rocky Horror. I would really like to read the rest of this at some point.
97277 so... What are the issues?
97295
Boring issues:
The pillows under her head were fluffed a lot better than the ones on her bed at home
/on her bed at home is awkward, suggest removing 'on her bed' as that's implied.
so I bid her and Twi farewell / Rarity dialogue choices
'Pinkie Pie, you're friend's had her mane in the same / your
bestest way Rarity showed me - You / use —, don't put spaces, treat the dashes like a comma (no capitalization). Others may tell you no dashes ever, but I think they have a place when 'nesting' sentences.
Applejack had to stop this train before it went through a loop. "Pinkie. Please. Short version." / This needs to be it's own paragraph, Pinkie was talking in this paragraph and you never want two speakers in one paragraph.
(You started the story in past tense, and that is the normal, so I'm going to point out present tense issues)
Pinkie looks past Applejack, with an apologetic smile. / tense shift to present tense
Pinkie's smile is a little too wide. / again present tense
Applejack moves (moved) to get up, but stops (stopped_ when she sees(saw) Pinkie's expression go from gaily happy to less-than-normally happy. "Oh... Okie Dokie... Lokie... See you around." Pinkie backs(backed) up to give Applejack room to get out of the bed, but she can't(couldn't) stand to see her friend like this. / in addition to the now-normal present tense swing, the last "she" is totally ambiguous. I _think_ you mean Aj couldn't stand to see Pinkie like this? It's unclear.
Please decline... / is this a thought? If so, why?
Pinkie squees(squeed) and jumps(jumped) into the bed, nuzzling her friend's freckled face in a show of thanks before cuddling up against the orange coated pony as she gets(got) under the covers.
(it seems to now revert BACK to past tense)
Applejack could(past) feel the pink pony’s hot breath on the nape of her neck, and she got(past) the strong urge to play with herself. C’mon, now, AJ... Ya gotta calm down. Her forehoof slid (past) down, feeling her silky smooth coat and making her shiver.
Now. I have no clue what is making AJ horny. But the sudden shift from almost-normal interactions to cloppy!AJ is made me laugh.
~<3 / wat
Applejack’s hind legs were wrapped around Pinkie’s head, holding it in place as she ate her friend like an excited puppy would a bowl of stew/ #1 What you wrote is ambiguous. She ate her friend makes me think that they are 69-ing? #2 that metaphor is so unsexy that I laughed out loud. Very trololo. Not sure if you wanted that, but that's what happened.
Her brain once more finding the ability of coherent thought / awkwardly worded - Her brain once more capable of coherent thought. Or something
Pinkie doesn’t hear her, she’s already fast asleep. AJ gives Pinkie a quick kiss, and dreams of a world that tastes like cotton candy. / more present tense shifts // didn't hear, she was already, AJ gave, dreamt of a world
97356
I... have a bad time with tenses. Sorry, should have gotten a prereader. I'll fix those problems soon, mmkay?
Written on my iPod.
And it was Pinkie eating Aj, and that was a Laff.
97383
No problem! Since you say Pinkie was eating AJ, I'd suggest
>Applejack’s hind legs were wrapped around Pinkie’s head, holding it in place as the pink pony ate her like...
replace "pink pony" with the epitaph of your choice.
97403 Kay, fixed it! Anything that I could do better in chapter two? Or is MH pretty darn tootin' as is?
97456
I'll try to look later. I'm in the middle of another review right now. I'll post it up when I get a chance.
97460 Okay, thanks!\
... And if you could help me get past some writer's block... I could really use the help.
Some ponies are easy to write about, but my Fluttershy chapter isn't coming along, like, at all. I'm starting to get mad at myself, and I don't anger as easily as I used to. If you got any ideas, please PM me, okay?
That goes for anypony!
90134
Fluttershy sexist? Silly Big Mac, that's not how you spell Twilight Sparkle!
.......I now wonder what Twilight's going to taste like. Alcohol?
98803
*ohgodImeansexyist
98803 I was thinking grapes...
98824
Maybe a fine wine.
Cause it's made with grapes and all.
I am not a clever pony
99305 heh, do not worry, friend. If I were a clever pony I would already have this fix finished.
When the hell is chapter 3 coming up??
99804Right nap you ungrateful, impatient whelp!
It is yet to be finished, so you're welcome!
99810
Jeez, like for real man.
Why so serious?
Don,t have to act like a douchbag about it either bro.
So Yeah
99829 Sorry, mate. I'm a little tired, and when you've got a mom who yells at you about deadlines all the time, you might be a little cranky too. Really sorry, I'm just in a bit of a bind.
Written on my iPod.
99843
It's alright dude. I know how parents can be bossy and all .
Sorry for getting you at a bad time and all.
Still, you're stories are pretty BADASS.
Bueno...
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99865
tumblr.com/photo/1280/10927358990/1/tumblr_lsfjfofDnB1qkblut
97356 And actually, To the 'why was AJ getting horny' thing, Pinkie WAS breathing on her neck and had her body pressed right up against AJ's.
100053 GAAAHH!!!! KILL IT!!!! KILL IT WITH FIRE!!!!
100052 *shivers* Twi will be in a chapter or two...
100075
img.ponibooru.org/_images/42564c753f7d13d09ec25f8adafc1734/104172%20-%20Abandon_Thread%20celestia%20Molestia%20princess%20trollestia.jpg
(no, but srsly, I lurve this fic)